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My mom has always not treated me well in comparison to my brothers. As I got older, I had 3 girls and decided I didn't want to carry on her tradition, so I have broke the mold. She favored my 3 brothers and it was brazen. Over the years, I learned to distance myself from her. However, when my Dad passed away, I found myself doing more for her in regards to insurance, finances, etc. Then she got dementia and could not live on her own anymore. She has been in our home for over 2 years now. I've had to have her put on anti anxiety meds the first 2 years because the arguing was just not something I wanted to deal with on a daily basis. That helped somewhat. Now she is progressing and is back to being a nasty nasty snake. I don't think the devil has ANYTHING on her. I just found it interesting that so many people on here (based on other posts) have the same situation with a parent with NPD and dementia. I have RA and just don't have the energy or patience to deal with her drama on the daily. We are waiting for her Dr to refer her to a facility that does a 2 week evaluation to determine what meds will help her outbursts, pacing, agitation, general nasty behavior. Anyone had any experience with this?

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I suspect that people who are caring for their parents who have dementia do a lot of research online about mental disorders, personality disorders, etc and that is when they make the connection to narcissistic personality disorder. I think there are degrees of it and some kids are affected in a major way and others not so much. I think sometimes, the parent is deemed as eccentric or even outstanding by people who don't know the true person.

I don't have to face dementia yet as far as my parents are concerned, but, if I did, I do not think that I would be a good candidate for hands on care, due to my upbringing and certain narcissistic behaviors on my mother's part. It's taken me many years to arrive at that conclusion. I do deal with her depression and anxiety and that is a lot. I'm making plans to stop that too.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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She,

Your last post is showing up on my newsfeed but not on this thread so not sure where this will appear.

To clarify a bit. My Mom was never Diagnosed as NPD. I am not qualified to give her that label. But Mom did always have mental health issues. And yes she did have a type of Dementia. In hindsight and things I’ve learned on this sight she probably had a mix of Dementias.

I know Mom appeared to struggle with Depression as long as I can remember, probably some anxiety, some erratic behavior, etc.

In hindsight, again, I could check off several boxes in the different categories of Narcisitic traits.

When Mom was in the Facility for evaluation the Psychiatrist mentioned a Depressive Disorder but said in the time he had with her he suspected other things going on.

When Mom was a resident in the NH one of the visiting Psychiatrist called me and asked me a lot of questions. He was exploring Bipolar. I honestly don’t know if that diagnosis stuck. She did have Dementia after all.

In my other post I suggested your Mom’s care plan should not include you. That’s not what I meant. I meant in your home. Of course you should be her advocate and oversee her care.

Only you can decide how much you can tolerate in your home. But no one should have to tolerate abusive behavior in their own home.

My Mom never lived with me or my sister. Mom refused that or any help. Living with me or my sister would have been a bigger disaster than her living alone for way too long.

During the last couple of months in her home I was there filling her meds, tidying up, doing what I did when I would check on her. I don’t know how I offended her on this occasion. There was no argument. Just a conversation but her demeanor changed and her eyes were like two black lasers. I don’t even know what words she was saying calmly mind you, but it was the look in her eyes. I honestly thought she might kill me. Was this Dementia or her Mental Health issues I was looking at? Maybe a bad combination of both...

I got out of there and immediately called Mom’s geriatric Physician. Told office staff it was an emergency. Dr called me back. We started working on a plan to get her to the ER then to the geriatric psych unit in that hospital.

The Facility your Mom is headed to may get her Mental Health somewhat stabilized but the Dementia WILL get worse. The tweaking of the meds will be an ongoing process and better done by a psychiatrist. In my honest opinion.

I apologize this post is so long. I just felt I needed to spell some things out and explain why you should cut yourself some slack, deal with your own health issues and let professionals deal with your Mom’s daily hands on care. You could could then walk away from nasty behavior and return to the safe haven your home should be. Then go back and check on her when you were up to it.
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Reply to lizzywho61
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Does your husband think you should just suck it up and continue to provide a home and care for someone that has hate for you?

Just because she gave birth to you does not obligate you to give up your peace of mind and wellbeing to her.

Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for, I believe it is the ones that are subjected hourly everyday to hate that plays a huge part in their demise. That is just awful to have to live with hate in your home directed at you personally, it wears out your spirit and exhaustion physically, mentally and emotionally are never relieved. Yeah, it can kill.

Tell him it is admirable that he wants to care for your mom, but he promised to forsake all others for you. Time to honor those vows and get this woman called mom out of YOUR home.

Meds can't change the hate she has for you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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She,

Yes my Mom was admitted to a geriatric psych unit to get her mood stabilized. She was there for 10-14 days.

She fell at least 2 times while in the unit. Her PCP and the unit staff worked to get her admitted to a NH for physical rehab. She then became a resident of that NH.

This series of events was not planned but it could not have worked out more perfect.

The NH had a psych service visit their patients. Mom’s meds did have to be tweaked occasionally.

Do yourself a favor. Start working with your Mom’s Primary Care Physician and put together a plan for her care after her 2 week facility stay. A plan that does not involve you, your home, or you as a hands on caregiver.

Edit: The Facility where your Mom is headed for evaluation may have a Social Worker on staff. If so, and they are a good one, The may be a great resource to help you put together a plan.
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Reply to lizzywho61
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You don’t divulge why you made the choice to take your mother into your home when she’s always had mental issues and you’ve always had a rancorous relationship with her. Perhaps it was a wish to finally be recognized as a “good daughter”. But almost every sentence in your post contains a negative reference to your lifetime lousy relationship with her. And now, as you age, your own health is declining and this makes caring for her even more difficult. I know I speak for Barb when I ask, “Why?”

I agree that having her tested and evaluated may change her behavior, but probably only marginally. At least you’ll have a 2 week respite. You can’t change a lifetime of being treated like a second-class citizen with a few pills. The way that dementia progresses, she will need to be retested and evaluated frequently.

If you are out of patience out of energy, and in pain, could it be time to meet with your golden children brothers and make an alternative plan for Mom?
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Shexhaustsme May 23, 2019
I'm 57 and NEVER even realized she had narcissistic behavior until my husband and I took a well overdue 2 week vacation to regain our sanity. I stumbled onto the information while on vacation and started reading books, symptoms and realized she definitely has this behavior. This was just 5 mos ago! I have 2 living brothers, both younger than me. Both her 'golden' children. Neither would take her in. One is just like her, the other is 19 years younger than me and lost his wife 9 days after she gave birth to their first child. I couldn't expect my grieving brother with a newborn to deal with mom's craziness. Now, I will say, I did not want her to move in with us because even though my husband and I have been together for over 37 years, he just did not understand the disdain she has for me nor the evil that comes within her package. But he thought it would relieve guilt for me, provide closure, etc. He now see's her hatred for me and admits he was wrong. My grandmother also had dementia but she did not have this evil streak, nor did she hate me. So I know what to expect re: the dementia, but the dementia combined with narcissism is a whole new animal that I'm trying to wade through. I know that the past month has been extremely hard on my illness, my mental health and if they can't regulate her behavior, I can't have her in my house anymore. I should have also said that we have a large 4 bdrm house and my husband is self-employed and works from home. He is her main caregiver (his idea). His mother is a saint and he can't wrap his head around not being there for your parents. But he is beginning to understand. I was just surprised by the number of people who have a parent with both dementia and narcissism and was reaching out to see if meds can be tweaked to help the behavior. Thank you for listening and for all of the feedback. I appreciate it. This is not a cake walk by no means.
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I believe my MIL is a narcissist and my husband agrees. She does not (YET) have dementia and lives in an apartment in a retirement facility. She is mostly still independent but, at 92, it won't be long.... My husband is the only child since his brother was killed in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago. My FIL just died in December so my husband is solely responsible for her and did ALL the paperwork after his dad died and moved his mom to a smaller apartment that she could afford. We talk about "what if" her money runs out and she is not yet eligible for Medicaid and a nursing home. We agreed she will NOT move in with us. Not a chance. We are retired but would go back to work to pay for her to live elsewhere or stay where she is. My husband is showing signs of possible dementia. He is slowing down and needs to take care of himself and US. You have RA and must also take care of yourself. How can you take care of your Mom if your own health is suffering? Please take care of YOU and try to find a caring place for your Mom to live. As a side note...I would have taken in my FIL and my own mother in a heartbeat. But my MIL? Not...a...chance. Narcissism will destroy you if you have to live with and care for someone who has it.
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Reply to Monica19815
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3 brothers? Why are you the one who took her in?

If one of your brothers won't take her in, it's time for a facility. You've more than done your time!
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Reply to CTTN55
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Why one would take a parent with a history of mental illness into their home to care for them has always puzzled me. And now with dementia, this is a task that simply is not possible for one person to deal with.

I'm glad that she will be getting an inpatient psych evaluation. Getting her on the proper medication regimen will be helpful. But dear lady, you SHOULD NOT have to deal with this in your home!

Your mother needs to be in memory care or assisted living. With social activities, with lots of staff around and with professionals who can evaluate changes in her behavior.

Make sure that her doctor understands that your health is being impacted and that she will NOT be coming home after this evaluation.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Shexhaustsme May 23, 2019
I only recently realized that my mother's behavior actually is a condition (mental illness). We are wading through the process. The respite care unit has not been communicating with me the past couple of days, so I'm still waiting to hear on the evaluation. I'm also trying to wade through all of my own emotions and memories and recent attacks and coming to the realization that I didn't cause it all in some way, it wasn't me, it was her. I did make an appointment with a therapist because even thought the woman loathes me, I am her POA and I still feel responsible and guilty for her care. It's a lot to take in. Thank you for your insight. I know she has to go at some point, but I watched my mother verbally abuse and provoke fights with my grandmother and she never took her in, just took her $ and put in her a NH. My brothers just wanted to do the same. I don't want to be that role model for my own children. I would hope they would be more caring about my well being and happiness. So I'm trying to break that mold as well.
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