Narcissistic mother with Alzheimer’s. Any words of wisdom?

Hang Up On - "DRAMA"

too much of that is not good.

Call your parents on YOUR TERMS. Keep it sweet and short. nothing else.

Sounds stressful. Stuff her. A baby bird doesnt feed its elderly parent. You owe your mother nothing. Especially if she has been abusive to you and you have been in therapy over it. Way I see it is that aging parents will get the care from their children that they deserve. They have either raised their children to want to care for them or they have not. If their children dont want to care for them then it is their own fault and is because of their behaviour.

I do feel a bit sorry for your dad and understand the tricky predicament. However, I guess he did choose her. While you did not.

The only thing worse than an NM is an NM with dementia. Ain't that the truth? The little filter they once had is now completely flown the coop, along with their mind, so it's become a no-win situation entirely.

One of the things I cannot stand the most about my own NM with dementia is when she makes a nasty comment & then says "I'm only kidding", which we all know is a LIE, or another of the 1,000,000,000 lies she's told over the past 63 years of my life. She's told so many lies she wouldn't recognize the truth if it hit her over the head with a hammer!

So, if the Phone Calls are giving you chest pain, increased heart rate & hyperventilating, my words of wisdom are as follows: CUT OUT THE PHONE CALLS. When my NM gets into a particularly foul mood, which is most often, and gets sniping at me over the phone, I tell her the following: "I am hanging up the phone now since you are obviously in a bad mood.. I will speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood." Since she is infrequently in a good mood, those chats are rare.

My father put up with my mother's horrible antics for 68 years. I often felt really sorry for him and tried to stick up for him, but most times, HE wound up getting irritated at ME for doing so! True story. So I was The Bad Guy for calling my NM out on HER behaviors! Moral of the story? My father made his bed with this woman so he was welcome to sleep in it. It was not MY job to step in between THEIR marriage and 'fix' it. It's not your job, either. If your father chooses to stay with this woman, he's made HIS choice which is independent of YOUR choice.

You need to make a choice now that's going to preserve YOUR sanity, YOUR health, and the hair on your head! So cut down the calls and immediately tell mother you're hanging up if/when the histrionics amp up. Look at it the way I do: I'm not doing my mother any favors by talking to her, really. I seem to irritate the living hell out of her ANYWAY, so why bother? I have my DH call at least once a week and that's helpful. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I know all is well unless I get a call from them that it isn't. THEN I can worry.

Take care of YOU now and don't subject yourself to all this stress and aggravation when it's nothing more than a game to her. You'll wind up dying before SHE does, God forbid, so don't be a statistic, ok?

Thanks everyone! Appreciate the feedback and the support even more. Take care!

You say that not responding to your mother leaves her feeling that she has ‘won’. If you respond, she hangs up on you. You can’t win, so why bother? Yes, it would leave your father to cope. But he either knows how to cope, or else he has ducked the problem for years and that is why it is landing on you. Either way, your parents need to manage their own marriage relationship – you can’t do it for them. Your first responsibility is to look after your own health. If that fails, you certainly can’t help them.

HI dad, I noticed Mom called a few times today, is everything ok?

Hi Mom, I noticed you called a few times today, are you and dad okay?

Mom, I was calling you back to make sure you are ok. I am busy, I will call you back in a few days. bye for now.

can you get them Meals On Wheels?

Shell, Beaty and Zippy are right, you don't need to take it. but if you feel you need to talk with them, make it on your terms. you can call them back say for instance once a day at the same time. Make it quick. Are you ok? I have to go now. Luv Ya. mom starts negative talk, quitely end the call and turn off the phone.

I would see about getting mom & dad some care into their home and you can back from slowly and stop answering the phone. You don't need to answer every time they call...do you? If they call you 6 times a day then start by not answering one call then two calls until you are down to the number of calls you will take!

You need to take care of yourself and Beatty is right, not all the work needs to be done by you!! You matter too!!!

Hugs!!

Agree with Zippy.

But you could call your Dad. Ask how he is. No doubt Dad has been married to Mom for a long time, has his own way of dealing with her.

No need to discuss every minor point with Dad. Just how are you, how are things, is Mother well?

IF Dad is struggling, work with him to find the support they need.

In a nutshell... step back (to a safe distance).

It does not all need to be done by you.

Go no contact and place an annonymous call to APS after a week or so to get them checked out.

If you really must talk to her, hang up the second she says anything negative.