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My mother is 83 and in somewhat good health. She's had a narcisstic personality my whole life but at her age it seems to be getting worse. She has turned my siblings against each other so now I am the only one careing for her. She lives in her own apt. but it's up to me to take her where ever she wants to go, store, drs. appt., etc. She is on a very limited income, all she wants to do is spend and spend, a VERY touchy isssue to discuss with her about to say the least. How can I keep her on a budget? She thinks if she runs out of money one of her children will take her in, so untrue. I an in charge of her checking account but that doesn't mean anything. When I do try to discuss this with her she becomes very angry and yells and hangs up the phone on me. She could easily live another 10 years, I don't want her to run out of funds. Can someone give me and suggestions?

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Of course you're not. Part of you is clamoring for you to pay attention to your survival, and that's a good thing. It's interesting that you say she has "threatened" you with getting other transportation: fine! Let her try! If you're insisting on helping her, and you're exhausted from helping her.... well, that's an interesting combo platter, isn't it. That's the sort of bind we often get ourselves into, but we're definitely making choices! Step back a bit, and don't let anyone "suck the life out of you."
By the way, whether or not deep down some part of her knows she isn't perfect is a big topic for the psychologists to get philosophical about, but in everyday life a true narcissist absolutely cannot tolerate the idea of having or acknowledging any flaws, so they have to project them onto you. You must understand that and work that into your handling of this situation. The mere fact that you're doing all this AND wondering if you're a horrible daughter means that the way she pushing negativity away from herself and onto someone else is working on you. Again, step back and look at this. You get to survive and you get to be happy.
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She has threatened me with getting other transportation but she has early dementia and isn't comfortable going into a store by herself, it would be confusing to her. I take her into the store and help her find the things on her list. Maybe it's just me but I don't see her going by herself. She has lived in a ALF before and does not want to go back. I can't live with her, no way! I haven't told her this, don't I think she would understand why. She thinks she is perfect, she doesn't realize that she is sucking the life out of me, I feel I am getting weaker and she is strong as an ox, except for her early dementia. Sad to say but that will be my only way out of this situation. Am I a horrible daughter for feeling like this?
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If she likes to spend her money so much let her use it for her transportation. That will relieve you of some of the responsibilites at least. When her funds are gone then she will qualify for medicaid be able to receive government assistence until her health declines to where she will reside in a NH. Faced with this scenario, your mother may be decide to become more financially responsible.
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Fantastic advice, alwayslearning! Alignment with sibs to reinforce their unity. xo
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You wrote "She has turned my siblings against each other" and "So now I am the only one careing for her" and "it's up to me to take her where ever she wants to go..." You and your sibs have, over the years, and quite understandably!!, given her a lot of power over you all. You might step back and look at this freshly. You might even write your sibs a note that says "You know what, I'm seeing something now in a way I didn't quite see before: mom has had a hand in turning us all against each other. I'm wishing I hadn't been so influenced and I want to tell you that I think it doesn't have to be this way. Separate topic -- whether or not you agree with me about any of that: I want to let everybody know what Mom's situation is right now, and I'm planning to just send regular reports so everyone is in the loop." Then write the cleanest, purest facts about what is happening -- no editorial emotions. Then keep including everyone no matter what, and stick with facts not opinions no matter what. Just trying to do that will be a good thing for you personally, and you may be surprised at what happens, because facts and clear communication of facts change things.
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Mom will probably spend all her money and run out of funds.

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop this (unless she is judged incompetent by a court). You can think ahead about what your response will be. Help her apply for subsidized housing? Apply for Medicaid (if she is ill)?

You might tell her sometime what options you've come up with. "Mom, it looks like your money might run out. If it does, you might qualify for subsidized housing. There is a high-rise for seniors over on Glendale. Would you like me to take you to see it, just so you know what it is like?" This might be where she brings up living with one of you. And you get to explain firmly but calmly that that ain't gonna happen.

Somehow I doubt that will stop her spending, but at least it won't be a surprise when she is high and dry and no one is offering to open their home to her.
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I too have a narcissistic mother. She has exhibited this personaltiy disorder all of her life. As in your story though, things have become worse. She lived for a while with my son and his wife, but they wouldn't keep her because she was so mean, ungrateful, etc. So the next stop was assisted living. There, the Dr. tested her for dementia, She was diagnosed as midway in the disease. That in writing was enough to disallow financial or business decisions from her.

From the symptoms you describe, this may be a reality.
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Much of all of your and JessieBelle's situations apply to me when my mom was alive. She NEVER promoted harmony between my sister and me from birth. So was I surprised when it came time to take care of our mom that my sister refused partly because we didn't get along and partly because she flat out didn't want to and told me so? not really but it really infuriated me. My mom had enough money if spent wisely could've taken her through many years. But she got hooked up with a shady paid caregiver and started spending like a drunlen sailor. My son, who she had always trusted, couldn't even convince her to cut her spending and whatever else was going on with this caregiver. She wouldn't listen. She called us to her house and told us we were no longer wanted nor needed, to get out and leave her alone. We tried to get it straightened out but to no avail. The caregiver had taken her to a lawyer. My lawyer said mom was within her rights because she was of sound mind. She disowned us, revoked our DPOA, wrote us out of her will, we never saw her again, she died but we've never been told the circumstances by my sister. Extreme case I know, but your mom has the same mindset as my mom. Just sharing. As long as your mom is of sound mind it's her money. You've got to get across to her that when the money is gone she will NOT be living with any of her kids and life won't be pretty. She is headed down a dangerous path and she's trying to take you along for the ride. That's what my mom tried and it didn't work because we refused to get on the ride. Stand your ground!!
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Much of all of your and JessieBelle's situations apply to me when my mom was alive. She NEVER promoted harmony between my sister and me from birth. So was I surprised when it came time to take care of our mom that my sister refused partly because we didn't get along and partly because she flat out didn't want to and told me so? not really but it really infuriated me. My mom had enough money if spent wisely could've taken her through many years. But she got hooked up with a shady paid caregiver and started spending like a drunlen sailor. My son, who she had always trusted, couldn't even convince her to cut her spending and whatever else was going on with this caregiver. She wouldn't listen. She called us to her house and told us we were no longer wanted nor needed, to get out and leave her alone. We tried to get it straightened out but to no avail. The caregiver had taken her to a lawyer. My lawyer said mom was within her rights because she was of sound mind. She disowned us, revoked our DPOA, wrote us out of her will, we never saw her again, she died but we've never been told the circumstances by my sister. Extreme case I know, but your mom has the same mindset as my mom. Just sharing. As long as your mom is of sound mind it's her money. You've got to get across to her that when the money is gone she will NOT be living with any of her kids and life won't be pretty. She is headed down a dangerous path and she's trying to take you along for the ride. That's what my mom tried and it didn't work because we refused to get on the ride. Stand your ground!!
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rrsams, as long as she is deemed legally competent, there is not much you can do. You can advise you mother, but she can choose not to listen to her. The only thing you can decide is what you will do if she does run out of money. This reminds me of one conversation I had with my mother after my father died. For some reason she decided that it was my place to get a normal job and pay all her bills, so she wouldn't have to spend her money. Yeah, right, so she could leave it to my uninvolved brothers?? I told her simply that it was not going to happen. The simple statement worked and she has not tried to get me to pay all of her bills again. If your mother thinks you might take responsibility for her if she goes broke, maybe a simple statement would work for you.
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