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So she raised me with invalidation and hate and made my dad and I hate each other etc. etc.
Now she's got dementia and congestive heart failure and copd, had the bag thing but doesn't anymore, needs oxygen and can't walk really on her own, (except recently when she came home from very short visit to hospital, where she walked across the room on her own). Ever since then it's impossible to keep her in bed; you turn your back for a second and she's getting up going who knows where. The caregivers she hired are no help. They clean the house while she sleeps and she can tell them what a great job they did, when I'm the one who already cleaned the house. She has sundowning and is crazy from midnight to sunrise. The hate she feels for me just pours out of her and she yells for me and at me all night long. I just can't stand there and be patient, like she needs. All I can do is check on her and urge her to stay in bed, otherwise I can feel mean getting ready to come out of me. She's currently in a nursing facility but I'm having to fight kaiser to keep her somewhere and to understand that its not good for her to come home and she just can't again. Anyone know where or what you call for help? Working on Medicaid and Medicare for housing costs but that can take a while even with special help. I think her housing runs out on Friday and I'm scared. They keep trying to deliver another bed. Everyone else sees such a sweet woman, they don't see the mean.

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Is her current facility Medicaid "certified?" (Does it accept Medicaid as a payment)? If her current facility takes Medicaid as payment for some or all of its beds then federal laws mandate your mother should NOT be evicted from that Medicaid approved facility while her Medicaid application is being processed, she would stay in the same room possibly or she would be moved into its Memory Care unit.
In the meantime
Describe your home as being unsafe, Keep saying that she cannot live with you. Her current facility would normally need to approve (evaluate) her next location. So, its social worker might keep asking you ... Nope, nope, just say "No."
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Reply to Screennamed
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You mention that her housing is running out so I'm going to assume you don't live with her.
If she's already in a nursing facility, tell them that there is no one to care for her at home and that you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for her care. The lace she's currently in will make arrangements for her. They will very likely try to convince you to resume the role of caregiver. They might even make threats to you and claim you're legally responsible for her. They are only threats because you're not. Leave her at the nursing home and refuse to take her back home. They will not put her out onto the street. If the nursing home won't keep her they will make arrangements at another facility. Then ask them to apply to the court for conservatorship over her. That way they will be responsible for her decisions.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Been there done that I had to get Guardianship for my mom then I can decide where she goes and they have to call you about any changes, medication, flu shots , wounds and etc. Other wise her doctor gave me his personal cell number so If I am unhappy he gets back with me pretty quickly, whether Medicaid or Medicare, you have to have had less than $2000 in her account and everything out of her name for at least 5 years. And get progress from doctor and send to county clerks office every year until her death. Then tell then when she dies and they should give the money you have to put up.
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rovana Oct 31, 2020
Medicare and Medicaid are separate programs and have different requirements and purposes. Please do not confuse the two.
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My husbands cousin is now going thru this. He went to Office of Aging and they told him nothing how he should handle this. They gave him a list of Medicaid providers but then Medicaid told him he can only get 4 hrs a day. The man has his own business, is basically an only child and cannot leave his Mom at home alone.

I was the one who told him to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. He should be able to transition her from rehab to the nursing section. Keep telling them it will be an unsafe discharge to send her home. Told him to take whatever money she has and pay privately then apply for Medicaid. He was not given this info by O of A or the Social worker. They just kept saying he could get help. He can't. Very hard in my area.
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mstrbill Oct 28, 2020
This is the gap that so many fall into and there is no help for those who can't afford it. No solution from the office of aging, no solution from the Dr's or nurses. The only solution then becomes the ER dump or refusal to take LO home from hospital or NH.
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You need to tell the case manager and social worker at the facility that you cannot take her home. You are unable to provide the care she needs. If you are comfortable with the facility she is at, ask them to accept her as Medicaid pending. If they say no, they don't have an open bed, then they may send her to the hospital, but you need to be firm in that you cannot take care of her and you cannot take her home. They may try to coerce or threaten you but if they do, you must be firm and put your foot down and refuse to take her home.
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AlvaDeer Oct 28, 2020
She says she is arguing with Kaiser, so I think she is in SNF or Rehab that is part of Kaiser system, Mstrbill. As a guess anyway. She will be homecoming from there, and Kaiser will try that unless she gets their Social Worker on board knowing HOME is NOT an option! I agree. Put that foot down fast and hard. Call today.
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Tell the facility that it’s an unsafe discharge and that she cannot come stay with you. That you cannot provide her the care she needs. Tell them her housing runs out and she has no where to go. She has no other family. They will try and push you into taking her home with you. Just say no. Don’t answer their calls. Don’t accept responsibility for her bills. If you are working on her Medicaid get a Medicaid pending form for the Nursing Home. They will fax that form around to various nursing homes that take Medicaid and find a placement for her with Medicaid pending. Stand your ground. Speak with an Elder Care Attorney if you can. If you don’t step up she may be appointed a state guardian. There are different rules for different states so please learn about yours.
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Browneyes1965 Oct 29, 2020
That’s what I had to do to get Guardianship
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You say she is currently in a nursing facility but you are having to fight Kaiser.
That is the wrong mode for attack. What you do is kindly and gently speak to either the SOCIAL WORKER in charge of Mom's case. You tell Kaiser that Mom cannot return to her home. Tell them you are neither physically nor mentally able to care for your mother now.
The Social Worker will tell you "We can make this work; we can get you help". Tell then "No. She cannot return home" because the truth is they cannot get you enough home help and it will not work.
I am assuming you are POA and Caregiver for your Mom, so that is what you must do. They cannot deliver her home to her "housing" with no one there. Tell them no one will be there. Do not speak to them further. They will then find placement. I will caution you that it may not be placement near you, or that you can easily get to, or that is Covid-19 free, or or or or. Once you do the "ER DUMP" thing, it is fairly much out of your hands.
So you need to tell Kaiser that there is NO ONE at home to care for Mom. If they discharge her home it is an "unsafe discharge" as she needs 24/7 care that doesn't now exist.
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You have her evaluated for 24/7 care. Then you tell them you cannot take her home if found she fits the criteria. Which in my opinion Mom does. Its now unsafe for her to live at home. "Unsafe Discharge" You can no longer care for her.

Medicare only pays for rehab. And after 20 days only 50%. Mom is not guaranteed the 100 days. If not making progress, then she will be discharged. Medicaid only pays if Mom has no money. In my state, she is not allowed more than 2k in assets. Does she live with u or u with her? If she has a house and you live there than you can claim Caregiver if doing it for 2 yrs or more or claim it as your main residence. But u will need to prove u can keep the house up.

If Mom has money, then use it for her care in a NH applying for Medicaid when it runs out. Do not allow the home to do the application, do it yourself. In my state u only have 90 days to spend down assets, get them paperwork they need and find a facility.
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lovegenealogy Oct 29, 2020
she makes 2,100 a month retirement. that goes to bills. we are working on the med I cal. Im going to try the send out a possible medicad that was suggested and exactly what you said, Im not here. trust me I dont answer the phone unless I must, that makes them mad, they sent the police to my house at 5 am on time. I call and no one knows who wanted to talk with me. but every hour its someone new, I have so many social workers I have no clue which one is the current one. Im enjoying a day or two of peace before it starts again, thank you everyone!!!!
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Hi Lovegeanology,
Though I am one of 5 children, my Mom is equally cruel to all of us and is also a dyed in the wool narcissist! Our ages range from 52 to 64 years old. Over our lifetimes I cannot list the many times she has stolen money from us, screwed up holidays and basically taken all she could beg borrow or steal from her own kids. We have often joked “ why would someone like her who should NEVER have been a mom, had 5 kids?” Lol lol Throughout my life, as a believer I have forgiven her and started over just to have her “stick it” to me again after a matter of time. In earlier years, I struggled with self doubt with questions like what’s wrong with me? No matter what I did for her it always came back to me getting my heart hurt with the perverbial slap in the face again. It seemed, though I did nothing wrong, I was the one hurting. I read many books on setting boundaries and sought counseling but she always found a way to hurt me again. In 2012 after the death of her 3rd hubby, I purchased a life insurance policy (value 20k) to help cover any final expenses on her so it wouldn’t be left on us 5 kids. I never discussed it with her, because she has no integrity and if she knew the policy was in place, she would never make any effort to do what she can for herself. Through a course of events she found out about this policy and unbeknownst to me, and after me paying on it for 8 years, she contacted the company directly and took the cash value for herself again completely without my knowledge. She claimed she didn’t know it was mine. The insurance rep said.they told her who set up the policy. The insurance company said unless she signed a form stating The policy did not belong to her, she was free to cash it in. A fact that was not given to me when I purchased it. So, I paid in over $13K to this policy, My Mom cashed it in for $6K. I confronted her and was able to get what she had not had time to spend which was approx $3K.... a loss of over$10K for me. I was physically sickened that she could or would do such a heinous thing to her own daughter. Bad enough that she stole what she knew was not hers, but afterwards refused to apologize..... said I used her social security number (which was required by the ins co) so it was all my fault. Absolutely no appreciation for the intended purpose or any regret whatsoever. Amazing....so in my heart I am so broken that I never want to be in her presence again. Recently Saw a pic of her on Instagram With my niece and I almost physically vomited. I don’t want to feel this way about anyone . But a huge revelation came to me and it is this ...... my forgiveness toward her was my decision and I did that on day one of learning of what she had done. I am responsible for forgiving as God forgave me. I know beyond all doubt I have forgiven her. Further and this the the most important part, the dead relationship is not my unforgivness toward her but it IS a consequence of her wrong doing. God revealed to me that I can decide to forgive someone, even my Mom, but wrongdoings have consequences and THOSE are not up to me nor in my control. So forgive in earnest if you can..... and leave the consequences to God. I once asked my counselor “The Bible says to honor your parents that your days will be long, so how do you do that when they are so dishonorable in their life?” He responded “you honor them by letting them be who they are without trying to change them”. From your writing that may be where you are now. Sorry for such a long post, but Maybe my story will help others.

God bless you and strengthen you to do what is needed to live in peace.
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lovegenealogy Oct 29, 2020
friend once said, some people shouldn't have kids. society doesn't like the thought of not liking your mom and Im tired of hearing about how she's in her final days and won't I be sorry, and etc etc. no, sorry, not going to happen. last thing she said to me was I hope your proud of yourself. no I dont wish to see her again. but together we are stronger!
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Thanks for sharing your situation. I am also an only child... and it is not easy. It’s way too much for even the strongest person to handle. Let the nursing home social worker know you can no longer take care of her. Your mental and physical health are already taking huge tolls. My heart breaks for you. However, everyone has their limits and you have reached yours. Please take action to get her the facility care she needs.
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You don't have to take her home. Others here will give wonderful advice on how exactly to make sure of that.

Why is she in a nursing facility now? Does she need 24-hr care? How often are caregivers there? Do you live in her house with her, or does she live in yours?
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Reply to CTTN55
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If she was abusive to you growing up (or now) you should have nothing to do with her caregiving. Leave her to her own devices, not your problem.
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You have your hands full. I do not have experience with dementia. Others on the site do so stick around for answers.

Best wishes to you.
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