Narcissistic mother now has dementia and needs my care. I don't know where to turn.
I've known for many years that my mother is a narcissist. She was and IS a horrible mother who damaged all three of her children. I'm the oldest and somehow I got the brunt of her guilt manipulation and all growing up she tried to make me responsible for her happiness. My dad died 25 years ago and my mom never dated or remarried. I saved my sanity in younger years by living far away from her when I became an adult. When I would visit I would just indulge her the best I could and count the seconds until I could leave.
Starting about four years ago her health started to decline after she had a stroke. Right after the stroke she had mild aphasia but cognitive function wasn't bad. She seemed to recover okay and continued to live independently with some help from her best friend. Fast forward to now- her friend kept telling me she "needed to live by me" because she was becoming too forgetful and basically the early signs of dementia were all there. Her friend was getting sick of taking care of things and I don't blame her one bit.
So I moved her next door to me in my condo building. My husband and I are now invested financially in her unit. It was the only way it could be possible as she couldn't afford it on her own.
That was last Oct. Now that I see her pretty much daily I see that her cognitive decline was much worse that I realized. I finally got to go through some medical records for myself and I now know she has significant vascular disease, and this dementia has to be vascular dementia, although there is no official diagnosis, yet. She developed epilepsy after her stroke so she takes meds for that, and because of it she thankfully has an appointment scheduled with a neurologist for sometime in March.
I am so overwhelmed and depressed. Putting up with her moods daily, her subtle constant criticism and guilt trips. Nothing is EVER good enough. My two siblings were relieved that she moved here, but are now nowhere to be found. I'm getting NO support from them outside of the occasional phone call where they tell me I'm doing the right/nice thing putting up with our horrible mother. I'm so resentful. My husband and I worked hard to early retire and now we have THIS.
I would say her dementia is at a mid stage. The notes from her old neurologist said she has "Stable atrophy with chronic microangiopathic disease and chronic left middle cerebral artery territory infarct."
Needles to say I will have many questions for the new neurologist.
But my main vent right now is every day I am waking up with crushing depression. I know this is only going to get worse and I feel so overwhelmed and alone. My husband is supportive, but keeps his emotional distance. This truly feels like it is solely my problem.
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm a mess and don't know where to turn.
12 Answers
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Get her assessment done, get her placed and go enjoy your life.
You have zero obligations to be her hands on caregiver.
Making sure she is in a facility that provides her with her needs is the only requirement that you are obligated to. It utterly floors me that narsisitic parents think they can steal their adult offsprings life.
Choices have consequences and hers is that her daughter goes back to being a daughter and leaves the caregiving to the pros.
You and your husband worked hard and it wasn't so she could continue to keep you feeling like crap so she has it nice.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I have walked in your shoes and I have no tolerance for this or people that make it seem like you get some reward for giving up everything for your parents. A truly loving parent would never ask or expect their children to sacrifice everything for them.
Hugs, it is okay to place her in a facility on Medicaid and if your siblings give you any flack, tell them to come get her, period.
Have you gotten a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging? They will come and assess mom and tell you what her care needs are. They can assess her assets and income and tell you if she qualifies for aid.
Get yourself to a therapist or counselor to discuss why you feel that you need to do this yourself. Your mother's life is HER responsibility.
If you tour some places and decide on one you think is the most appropriate for your mom the social worker will help you with the Medicaid process and paperwork.
in order to preserve my own sanity i have set boundaries of what I am prepared to put up with from her. If I am at her house or out with her and she starts blaming me for everything that is wrong or has ever been wrong In her life, I just get up and say I don’t want this conversation with you yet again and I am going home before I get angry and if necessary leave her in tears, because when she used to be unable to control me she used to get up and slam out of the room, but she can’t do that now so she cry’s.
I am an only child and I can honestly say I don’t love my Mum and on,y moved her close by because she was struggling living alone and I, like you, felt guilty that she was using her neighbour as a carer. It was the worst decision and she moans about having moved all the time. If I could I would put her back where she was in a heartbeat and just get carers in.
i am on anti depressants and still work full time even though I am 67, I would love to retire but she would then just think I should be with her 24 /7. Our retirement plans are on hold because they involve us moving away from here to sunnier climes.
All i I can say is that I make sure I have a bit of me time at least once a week, take a yoga class, go out for coffee alone, take up a hobby that takes you away from home for a few hours it helps.
i don’t believe in God so I won’t say god bless but keep strong and invest in yourself and your husband before she sucks you dry. Px
I made appointments for as many doctors for her care. I would send a letter to the office regarding my specific concerns of her issues prior to the appointments so that they knew before she was seen. Any discussion from me in front of mom would send her to the roof!
Also, check into Area on Aging! There are facilities in some states that offer Medicare beds in well rated Board and Care homes and Assisted Living Facilites although very limited in most counties.
Maybe consider a service such as Comfort Keepers or someone to come in 2 or 3 times a week to hang out or care for your mom to give you a break. Use a good well rated company so that if the caregiver is sick they will replace her with someone that is personality matched with your mom.
Long Term Care Insurance if you mom does not have any, unfortunately might be hard to get at this point in her diagnoses.
Now about you! You need a break! I went 10 years doing this and I was a stress case the entire time. Depressed, a ball of nerves, and guilt tripped the entire time! Take a vacation even if it’s for the weekend. Have someone come take care of your mom and you and your husband leave! You have siblings that can fly in to be emergency contacts if need be. Do NOT feel guilty! You deserve it and need to take a break for your own mental health and physical health. I waited 8 years before I did and I’ll tell you, I fell like a new person and it helped me deal with my mom’s situation and her in a whole new way.
You have a slew of friends and help here and we’ve gotcha! We will be your siblings in your venting and suggestions! We will never go away so comeback to us anytime. Your good works and love toward your mom will be greatly rewarded when you get to look back on it someday! Already you are a hero in my eyes!
Here’s the link for your state. It is the 1915(c) waiver regarding the state services for elderly and waivers for assistance. Each state’s Area on Aging should provide this info. Also call your local Ombudsman Office. They actually are amazing with community resources and assistance as well.
http://ahca.myflorida.com/Medicaid/Policy_and_Quality/Policy/federal_authorities/federal_waivers/index.shtml
My mom lives next door to me, she's 90. I don't think she has NDP and she wasn't abusive but she is a negative, skeptical, pessimistic person who barely sees boundaries. She had her whole life to make friends but didn't. I've gotten over the delusion that I'm responsible for her happiness. I'm not her entertainment committee. So now i no longer feel guilty when I go out with neighbors and i don't allow her to "tag long". She had her chance. Plus she's Debbie Downer. I do love my mom but as I said, she's had her chance.
I might get appointments with all the experts you'll need, like an attorney to explore your rights and responsibilities. You say you are part owners of her condo? Also, explore Medicaid eligibility her assets, long term care insurance, and prepare yourself for what is to be expected for someone with her condition. Most people who are mid stage dementia, really aren't able to live alone. They are at risk of fires, strangers, falls, mistaking medication, eating non-food items, wandering, inability to handle hygiene, etc.
I hope you can find some answers and some support. If you can make arrangements for her care, maybe, you can start some healing.
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