I feel as if my narcissistic mother is manipulating me to be with her every minute. What should I do?

Tell mother you are available to her on X day(s) per week from X time to X time, and that's IT. You will speak to her on the phone once a day (or whatever you determine to be tolerable to you) and that's it. That you work/have other obligations that take up your time & do not have endless hours to devote to her and the chronic issues she claims to have. Not that you don't sympathize with her, just that you can't 'fix' these issues FOR her.

Then suggest she sell her home and go into Assisted Living so she can get all the care she needs at a moment's notice from paid caregivers AND all the socialization/entertainment she'd like as well. Doctors come INTO the AL facility to see the residents as well, so she'd have access to doctors ALL the time w/o having to even leave her home.

"With all of your chronic issues, AL would be THE BEST answer for you, mother, and I'd be happy to help you get set up in one nearby b/c I simply cannot be here for you 24/7. "

Let me tell you, my mother who is now 95 with advanced dementia & living in Memory Care AL is THE WORST person on earth to take ANY medication b/c she will have EVERY SINGLE side-effect on the list! One time I schlepped her to the dentist where she had a few teeth extracted and needed a bridge with 3 fake teeth to be made for her. I bought her a box of Polident and a denture bath to soak the appliance in. She calls to tell me she read the insert and she would NEVER use it b/c the ingredients were TOXIC AND COULD KILL her. Guess what ma? People have been using Polident for 63 years already & I haven't heard of ONE REPORTED death to date.

So yeah, narc type mothers I'm fully familiar with, as well as their never-ending issues, illnesses, side-effects, troubles, problems, insults from others that are unwarranted, slights from people they remember from 50 years ago but not what they ate for bkfst this morning, etc etc. There's no pleasing them no matter WHAT you do so stop trying. That is the best advice you may EVER get on the subject. Once you realize you can't make the woman happy no matter what you do, that's when you stop working so hard trying. #Truth.

And do pull out the Assisted Living card b/c I guarantee she will pull back on her 'complaints' at least for a short while. And now is the time to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she will NOT be moving in with you when the time comes she can't live alone anymore, so what are her plans?? That's what I did with my folks from very early on when my mother said they'd NEVER pay $5K a month for AL, that they'd give ME the $$$ instead and move into my house. After I put down my asthma inhaler, I informed my mother that would NOT be an option b/c I would not be doing any hands-on caregiving or having any elders living with me down the road. Period. And I've stuck to my guns, thank God.

I suggest you do the same, for your own mental health. Dealing with these women OUTSIDE of our homes is bad enough, God knows.

Best of luck!

My daughter liked the book "Boundries". One thing she particularly liked was "when you say NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get. Look up the "Grey Rock method".

You need to remember you are now an adult. You should be respected. Mom at this point needs you more than u need her. If you r not living with her, cut back your visits. If she has money, she can hire someone to help her. Don't use ur money. Don't answer her calls. Let them go to VM and respond to whats important. You need to set boundries for you because she will never honor any u try to set for her. Ex: you have told her she needs to stop calling u 20x a day but she continues. So u set a boundry for you. Cells have a "Do Not Disturb" feature or something similar. Take Mom out of your contacts. Set ur phone for DND and only contacts can ring thru. Your Mom will automatically go to VM. You can then listen and delete what is not important.

With people like your mother you need to be firm and blunt. No beating around the bush because then they read what they want into the conversation. My MIL was like that. She was passive-aggressive and very subtle about it. She constantly was trying to get my DH to move to Florida. He never said no, he never said yes. After DH retired, it go worse. She got me on the phone one day and started and I told her "Its not happening". I had my own responsibilities with my Mom and a disabled nephew she took in. My MIL had the option to move near anyone of her 3 boys but would not do it. None of us wanted to live where she did in Florida.

No one can manipulate you unless you give in to it. I think this where "grey rock" may help. You need to learn how to ignore her. Just do what needs to be done and walk away or leave.

Supporting Mother - does that include you living in or her living with you? Or is Mother living alone?

If you continue to take care of her, you need to set boundaries, and/or limit the time you visit her. You can set things up in the house so that she can manage on her own. It’s not clear of all her medical conditions, You may want to seek out an adult day care or in home care provider so that the burden doesn’t fall just on you. If you do everything for her, she will expect it and forget how to do things for herself. With narcissism, nothing you do will ever be enough and you will always be blamed. Set those boundaries now and set up her house so she can help manage her own care.

Workwoman, welcome!

Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Townsed and Cloud?

It's a great place to start if you are dealing with a narcissistc mother. Google the term F.O.G. It stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It is one of the many tools of manipulation that narcs use.

Is your mother being seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Getting her to one might be useful if the first antidepressant med had untoward side effects.