Did any of you have a narcissistic mother and father? - AgingCare.com

Did any of you have a narcissistic mother and father?

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I would love to hear from those of you who grew up with a narcissistic father. My father was far worse than my mother. He was verbally abusive and emotionally absent. They enabled each other at my and my brother's expense.

I have read many books dealing with narcissistic mothers but none about the effects of having a narcissistic father. Both my brother and mother agree with me that dad was verbally abusive and narcissistic. But I am not allowed to talk about it now that he has died. Sound familiar?

I am in the process of dealing with my narcissistic family. I have made great progress. But I know there will be life long wounds. I have to deal with them everytime I deal with NM and golden Child brother. I just am learning everyday how to get over this. But it is a work in progress.

Let's hear from you all!

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I had two narcissistic parents although others have stated they lean more toward being sociopaths. It's not easy and I've decided to have nothing to do with them. However, they decided to "steal" or "buy" my adult sons and one of them has caved in and decided to start a huge fight over nothing with our family and go to the so-called dark side where he will be financially rewarded. I think that no matter how hard we try to get over such parents by being good parents ourselves, it's a legacy of pain that crosses over many generations.
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Reply to biblioscribe
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every time i think i have figured out the pathologies of my parents (or others), i realize that we are all on a journey here and that we are all trying to do the best we can. so much of these personality disorders or mental illnesses manifest themselves in reactions to others because our loved ones did not know or do not know any other way to react. my dad would scream at my mother in frustration while we were growing up because he, as an action-oriented, do-it-now, organized, efficient person couldn't deal with her lack of focus and do-what-i-want-when-i-want-and-don't-tell-me-what-to-do personality. it doesn't make his reaction right or justified. they just didn't know any better how to deal with each other. did their pathologies have an effect on me and my sisters? yes, indeed. did i often wonder why my mother stayed with my dad? i sure did. did i one day wonder why my dad ever married my mother? i have. yet they still loved each other and supported each other in ways i'll never understand. and i've come round and round in circles through anger and sadness and joy and happiness knowing they met and married and had us children and shared 50 years of marriage together before my dad died this past year. now my mother, in her dementia, only remembers how much she loved him and how proud she was of him in his career and of the parts of his personality that she fell in love with. i'm sure this answer isn't very helpful. i agree that counseling could help you. cultivating compassion can go a long way in helping too. it's all a journey and we take many different roads along the way.
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Reply to Maria17
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Silver, thank you for your concern. My husband and i moved to Florida 24 years ago, our girls were 3 year old twins and a 5 year old. Mom never forgave me. Husband had lost his job and we had to go. For about ten years mom and dad would drive down to see the girls about twice a year, then we would go up once during the summer. All of a sudden, when they were 13 and 15 and mom was 68, dad 72, both retired, plenty of money, announced she was no longer coming down. It was our "duty" to visit her. So, I told her, well I guess you just won't get to see your granddaughters. I was not going to be manipulated that way and I figured she would cave anyway. Nope. Five years went by and neither one of us visited. The girls didn't care, they had long figured out how selfish these two were. never could please mom and dad. When I did visit alone, after five years of not seeing my parents, Mom was furious that I was staying for two weeks. I got in her way and had to, God forbid, drive her car. She told my brother and her neighbor, I stayed too long. Of course, they told me, triangulation at work here.

One of the first conversations we had was how everything they had (almost 1 million dollars) and their home would go to pay for their nursing home care. And if anything was left my brother and i could have it. That was fine with me, I don't care. Now at the end of the day, dad has died and mom WILL go into a nursing home. And when she hates it, as I am sure she will, I will always remind her that a nursing home is what she always wanted, was smug about, and I wish to honor her wishes. I will not take care of her. She gave my brother her financial POA, put him on her checking account, made him her executor, left me out of everything legal. Tried to put my newphew on the POA as alternate (brother would not do this) and that was in August. Why? Because my dad told her I asked him for money. Now he is dead, i can't talk to him and she will never believe any different.

I never asked for anything from my parents, never had to. This is just her way of keeping secrets. And it is more important to keep me away from her money and lie than to include me in the family. So..........................when time comes to care for her, she is my brother's problem..........don't know how I could do much anyway. The chickens will come home to roost.
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Reply to palmtrees1
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I had both, who saw their three kids as a "burden" and always let us know it. My brother committed suicide, my sister is a total whack job and I deal with my own rage every day of my life. Now I care for my mother who has Alzheimer's, so my "past" is there staring at me every single day. I don't know why I care for her. I've asked myself that question many times.
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Reply to Dunwoody101
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Raising my hand! My Father has a narcissistic personality. It wasn't until my early 20's that I was able to identify that my Father had a problem. With this understanding, I struggled with who my Father was as a person. Hard worker, provided well for his family but was very hypercritical. Nothing anyone did was right ... He knew everything and his way was always better. I never received praise for anything ... Was never told I was a beautiful young lady .... Was never told I was smart and had the potential to do great things. Instead of encouragement, I received criticism. Because of this practice, I turned into a perfectionist. I find myself triple checking my work ... I spend so much time making sure everything is perfect to avoid being criticized for any mistakes. Thank God I had the good sense to not allow the constant criticism to break me. It's pure venom and has no place in my mind nor heart!

You are not alone!
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Reply to Hopeless
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YES YES YES...andme father...at 83...is still cutting us down...when my sister and brother went to his discharge meeting ..he pointed at both of them..and said i hate you...i was abused the most...he hated me...because i was born 10 months after my parents were married...just total abuse...my entire life...i have tried to bother with him as little as possible...he begs to go home after hospitalization..and then..he curses my mother...and eventually calls the police to report she isn't doing enough for him...as always..i get the call...and my mom..who is childish..asks me for help...i am getting to the point...where i just feel numb..i've had brain surgery..he never visited me or called me in the hospita..when he eventually saw me...he praised the weight i lost..and so on and so on...are any of you familiar with john bradshaw? he writes about the wounded child...he himself was one...i attended a few of his workshops..i am here for any and all....YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE..BIG BIG HUGS...LOTS OF LOVE AND WHITE LIGHTS..AND GOD'S BLESSINGS...marylee
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Reply to marylee58
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Madge; I would find myself a therapist. Doesn't really matter in the end what their training is, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist or licenced mental health counselor. the important thing is to find someone you trust and feel comfortable talking to. This is not a journey you should take on your own, even with the help of books and friends. My best to you.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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madge1, I did a search on amazon dot com of narcissistic fathers and found the following book: The Unavailable Father: Seven Ways Women Can Understand, Heal, and Cope With a Broken Father-Daughter Relationship. A more generically aimed book is Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up"s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Type Parents.

My dad was a hyper-critical, perfectionist and emotionally distant narcissist. As a result instead of being my own best cheerleader, I'm own worst critic. Even as an adult he has brought up things to criticize me about.

My mother taught me to swallow my feelings as a young child and to focus on her for her focus was on her in ways that was very destructive to my having my own identity with healthy boundaries. I could say more but I have written so much about her at such length and dealt with it in therapy that I prefer writing the short version.
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Reply to cmagnum
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You are probably 100% correct. I disassociated with mom and brother a few months back, I was extremely happy,only to be drawn back into their world when mom had a non serious health issue. It is a struggle to call mom once a week. A therapist would more than likely tell me to distance myself and I have already done that. The damage is something I have to work through and probably never will get completely over. Maybe a professional would have some answers. Thanks for your input.
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Reply to palmtrees1
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My initial response: BLLLEEEEHHHHHHYYYYIIIIKKKKEESSSSAAARRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
(That would be = YES!)

It's my mother, though. My dad is much more balanced, but my mother definitely would fall into the narcissistic category. They are both still alive and I am the medical POA so it will be interesting to see how this progresses.

For me, it was definitely counseling but more so the 12 step programs I attended that really helped (Alanon and ACOA) me learn how to stay sane in a not so sane environment. Just reaching out and asking the questions is really the beginning of the healing. I would encourage you to keep sharing and keep seeking support. I think it's pretty impossible to get through this on your own.

Hang in there and keep reaching out!!
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Reply to TakeDeepBreaths
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