My boyfriend and I share taking care of his elderly parents with his sister, who no longer lives at home (she is 34 and he is 30). He and I have decided we want to get married once I am finished with school. He never got a chance to separate himself from his parents, and still lives at home with them. His mom will be extremely happy to know about our decision, but his narcissist father will be very unhappy. He is very unhealthy, blind, and stubborn, and can't be left on his own, and has threatened suicide before when the subject even came up of my boyfriend moving out. I want to be able to share our plans with our families, but I know that sharing this with his dad would push their relationship to its limits, and we would likely never be able to see either his mother or father again.
We have been together nearly five years, so I can't imagine that it would be a surprise. It comes down to that if we were to marry, we would move in to our own home, and have our own lives, not able to be dictated as easily by his father. We would still be open to coming over on weeknights and weekends to help with household chores and to visit and socialize. His father also regrets his decision to marry and have children, and doesn't think anyone should. His sister has been with her boyfriend for almost five years as well, and cannot speak her bf's name in her fathers home, much less have him over for family events, and was in all honesty kicked out of their home because she stayed out late with her bf one night.
I don't know if I can wait to start our married life together, longer than we've agreed on. His father might only be around another year or two, but could live for another 20. I hate thinking that we can only be a married couple once his father has passed away, but it is the only way that will happen without causing a deep divide, and possibly driving his father to commit suicide.
I don't want to make an ultimatum for my boyfriend, but we need to have our own life. And my upbringing did not prepare me to emotionally handle how manipulative his father can be, partially because he thinks we won't leave him now that he is older. I just don't know what to do. I love his parents, and would want them involved in our wedding and our married life. I just want to be able to be married before I am in my 40s.
Any suggestions? I feel like there is no answer because his father refuses to compromise. Either we live our lives for him, or we don't love him.