Narcissistic brother is catering to Mom's every whim because he desires control. Any advice?

Oh, boy he is in denial bigtime. Mom will take his side because she wants to stay in her home. My advice is back off until the GF bails out and the Mom pushes him beyond his limits. That will be soon, because nobody can do this alone.

Your question was, What do you do?" My answer would be "Let him". If he lives with your mom now he has a right to some privacy. Being a care-giver is no picnic. Knowing what I know now, I would love it if someone who could "Handle my Dad" better than I, would do it. It's better for the person who lives with your Mom to handle the medical & money matters which is also an enormous undertaking, considering he is caring for everything else. I don't think it's to exclude you that he wants control. But, that it would make things easier for them both under the circumstances. You have to ask yourself some things. What is it that I want for Mom? What's the best way to care for her? If my bro leaves, then who will take over her care in her home. You are smart to know that it's not going to be you who moves in w/ Mom & to stand by a decision you can live with. Your Mom wants to stay where she is & your brother is the only person willing to do that, right? Ask yourself how much control you really want in all this. Then, ask yourself how controlling her money or deciding where she lives would matter. Do you really see that working? Sometimes we have an answer to our prayers right in front of us & working to make all happy & we let our fear of what could go wrong mess up a good thing. So, if bro moves out, & you are in charge of things---I can already tell you , you WILL practically be living at her house & spending way more time taking her places, doing this & that HER way. Just picture it. I don't think that is what you want. Maybe a little praise & support thrown your bro's way will Help everyone to relax. If you are afraid of someone taking advantage of Mom, Who do you suggest do it? You HAVE someone already very good & you trust him more than a stranger because he's family. He's not perfect & he will make mistakes. Sometimes it takes someone outside a situation looking in to remind us that we really love our family & if we keep saying we love them we will remember to treat them better than strangers & work on showing support & love for each other when we need each other the most instead of how we are going to get them back when they really probably think they are doing something nice. Communicate your fears. But, be ready for a workable solution or two that you have up your sleeve or it will be taken as criticism and caregivers simply hate that, you know.

Guardianship is your only legal recourse in this situation. And you might want to do it quick before your brother beats you to the punch.

If bro thinks he can live on Mom's money and put her in a NH he has another think coming. Medicare will get him.

I have a narcissistic sister who managed to "take over", too. She somehow got my Daddy to sign all his property and bank accounts over to her 4 years before he died. It has be a terrible experience for me; one that I would NOT wish on anyone. I contacted "Elder Abuse" in my home town. They warned her before they came to inspect so she had time to move him into his rental home with around the clock care givers. She plotted, schemed with my cousin and managed to take EVERYTHING my parents had. When my Daddy died she was left "in control". I had no recourse. There was literally 2 of everything; 2 houses, 2 cars; 2 bank accounts; 2 coin collections; etc. Of course, she was executor and she took everything! I had no way to "fight" her because everything was done before he died! So watch your brother carefully and I would suggest checking with an Estate Attorney. I tried but Daddy had added my sister's name on to all his property as "co-owner" and put her "pay-upon-death" on all the bank accounts, needless to say, I still have nothing! She recently landed in jail and attempted to "double-cross" me by having our cousin (her partner in crime) mail her a Power of Attorney at the same time I was paying an attorney to draw up the paperwork. Check with the "Elder laws in your state" and seek legal advice. Please do not let "what happened to me also happen to you." I wish you the best. Take Care. DeNeice

Ditto, here. Sis is our "culprit". Get to your own attorney and secure POA or guardianship ASAP, before the bro does. He probably already did and you just don't know about it. My sis actually had my mom's changed (removing me as shared POA) and no one knew about it until long after mom wasn't able to change it back. We are in the throes of a nasty battle over getting mom the care she needs. Things only get worse when dealing with those personalities, and they are so good at making everyone else look like they deserve all the blame, while they retain all the credit. And the money will be gone before you know it, if you don't intervene immediately.

bloujean: I wish you could get my sister to understand the gist of your message. It makes such perfect, logical sense. In our case, the impossible complication is that I live with mom part time and have until recently been expected to provide all the care, and sis is POA and is withholding access to medical care, medical information, food, etc. There are some siblings that you just cannot trust to do the right thing.

Taking care of parents is stressful. It doesn't help if a sibling questions everything you do and accuse you of everything from alienation of their affection to stealing their money. Having personally gone through this with the care of my Father, I empathize....I practically gave up my own life for six years taking care of Dad....I received no help aside from rare visits and "vacations" at Dad's house during the Summer, (Dad lived in a beach area), during which my Dad's care and routines were disturbed by the "vacationers" and their visitors. After all, the sibiling and her family could not be disturbed because they were on "vacation".....Dad would get so upset with all the turmoil that he wanted me to change the locks on the house so he could live in peace....I did not change them...It got so bad that the caretakers would leave because of the verbal abuse and the "vacationers" treating them like dirt. It was a nightmare dealing with them. I question when siblings criticize when the burden of care of a parent falls on one without help from others....

2nd Best: It is a train wreck happening in slow motion. We have a very similar situation in our family. You can check some of my posts to see what I've had to do, and am still doing to try to make sure mom is getting care for properly. My advice to you is this: forget reporting to local agencies, or mom's lawyers or doctors. Forget about the inheritance - if she's taking care of mom (even if she's not doing it well or the way you like it), isn't she entitled to compensation for that? (Yes, another issue, there are lots of posts on this one, too, but you need to stop and think about that...) More importantly, you need to find out if your mom is getting care for, and that your sister isn't going something dastardly, either with mom's care or her money. The only way you are going to really get what you want, without running into brick walls everywhere, is if you bite the bullet and put the money to hire a lawyer to help you. Nothing else will work -- I know, and you'll beat your head bloody against the wall trying. A lawyer might not be able to succeed in making you feel completely comfortable about your mom's situation, but can at least get access to the info you need a lot faster. Be prepared for WWIII with your sister, and be prepared to leave that relationship in the garbage heap, where it probably belongs.

Dear Deniece,

I am hoping that you read my post because some states carry laws protecting the elderly under such circumstances as what had happened to your Father. Speak to an Elder Attorney as it can be illegal to make alterations to an elderly persons assets within five years of their death, even if a person has a legal Power of Attorney or regardless if the elderly person has alzhiemers/dementia. A P.O.A. gives an individual the right to sign anothers checks, but in doing so legally you sign their name, then yours followed by POA. All checks written against the bank account can be interpretted by the family or an attorney if there are any questions regarding an elders bank account and how that money was spent.

In the state where I live, if anyone tries to move assets of any sort, into their name, for whatever reason within five years prior to the elderly person passing away and gets caught doing so they are automatically thrown into jail along with whatever fines the judge deems fit for the crime. Making the family members entitled to recovery of those assets, be it a home, property, cash, automobiles, etc.