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Let me begin with, yes my mother is a Narcissist. Growing up, it has always been about her. She had 4 of us, one she sent way to foster care. The other three she pit against each other. She lies like no tomorrow. There is no room to love others because of her own selfishness. My father always worked and was never home. So she yelled, pushed arounds her kids, and ignored us as much as possible. I was the one that she admitted she hated as a child. How ironic, I am the only one that is taking care of her..Today she had many medical issues that forced her with my family that includes my mental ill husband, and ADHD son.
What was I thinking!! She lies ALL THE TIME, to family, doctors, etc. Refuses to do what she had to do to stay alive. Yet, if she thinks she is having a heart attach, call 911 now! Then when caught in lie or deception she hates life and wants to die. She is still trying to pit my own family against each other. She fake cries, lies all the time when corrected. Then when she doea nor get up and walk, she falls, unstable,gets dizzy. When she gets up every hour and walks her stability returns to normal.
My husband takes care of her. He came down with mental illness 2 years ago from high stress managent job. It is chaos daily. He tries and tries to get her to do the right thing, she lies, he feeds her balanced meals as instructed by Dr. She refuses or cries or lies. She has CHF and has to walk every hour and drink 6 8oz water daily. I come home from work, he is stressed, she is stressed. She does not walk, too tired, 1 glass of water Total and she is dehydrated. She is now longing for my attention, my son NEEDS my attention, my husband needs my attention. My mother puts on her narcissist behavior, starts crying, hand over face. Then starts, nobody cares or loves me. My husband now in anxiety attach, he has had enough, my son want mother, cant handle the chaos my mother is causing.
I am told by doctors she will die within 3 months if in nursing home because she has to walk every hour. Most of our battle..well lies, walking and drinking.
My grandmother had CHF and went to rehab, died 2 months later of CHF. If I can keep her, she will live. We kept her alive for 11 months but at everyones expense.
This family is stressed out.
I am stressed, working, trying to mend my family and I just want to put my mother in time out, in her room! I cant hand handle much more. Oh, my sisters and brother dont want her. And my mom is a Christian that lies, deceives and hurts others.
I dont know what to do. I started to lay ground rules and she does more fake cries, pouts, negative talking that nobody loves her. Husband is over it, losing patience, son losing patience and losing respect for grandmother.
And my mother seems to be holding the strings!
One minute she is crying and 5 minutes later laughing at the cat or dog! The family is upset because of her actions, and she acts like nothing is wrong!
Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas to bring this house together in Harmony.

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You are right, you and your family do need and deserve peace in your own home.

But here's one more good reason. You will find that once your mother is safely placed in a good care facility, she won't be hurting you all any more and you will be able to love her again. It will be better for *her.* Remember that for when she kicks back.

Best of luck, please let us know how the search goes.
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Thank you everyone. I needed to hear the advise given. It is a hard choice. What I now realize after reading the advise, is I dont owe her and she does use my kind nature against me. Out of the 4 kids, she sent one away and beat me. Amazing I am the only one that has ever helped her. I do forgive her but I will NEVER forget.
Just today she said she wants my husband gone because he makes her walk. She gets pleasure if she hurts you, yet she puts a smile on her face and acts like a sweet old lady with a knife behind her back while she weaves lies and deceives. The stress is horrible trying to do the right thing.
Thank you all for the insight. I now know what I need to do.
My family needs peace. I need peace. I will call around for a good nursing home where she can be happy.
Thank you ALL again.
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I am not reading through the answers. From what you describe she is sick and needs placement. Not Caring for her in her condition by no means you don't hold a place for her in your heart. You will never have a loving mother, let it go. You can be a loving mother to your son. Go for that
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Invisible, I'm not sure what you are referring to about things are"often remembered out of context or inaccurately".......but many of us who had/have narcissistic mothers have perfectly lucid and very accurate memories (unfortunately), which should never be pooh-pooh'ed away! How things are 'supposed to be' and how they actually are, are often two different matters entirely.

I had lunch with my mother today, and the waitress at the ALF told me how lucky I was to have such a delightful mother! She asked me if I had a lot of fun growing up, saying she could just imagine what FUN it was growing up with Joanne as a mother. Uh huh, I could have told her stories that would have turned her hair gray........that's the thing; these women present one face (false) to the world, and an entirely different face to their 'loved ones'. The offspring of narcs are often looked at as being mean or nasty, since the rest of the planet thinks they're soooooooooo wonderful. It's no easy feat dealing with these people, and surely no FUN at all, believe me.
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Things are often remembered out of context or inaccurately.
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I'm wondering....my brother says because of how crummy our childhood was...unsafe..scarey..he doesn't feel like he is responsible for mom...no guilt for him...but I feel a moral obligation to help ...but at what cost? Am having flash backs..as her behavior is still demeaning..critical and manipulative ..while more subtle..she's perfected her technique over the years. This is hard to understand...hopefully counseling will help.
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One thing that concerns me is your statement, "If I keep her she will live."
No. Not so. We are, every one of us, going to die. Your mother is nearing the end of a long life on this planet and unless there is some unusual circumstance she is going to die before the three of you. Imagine the personal disasters you will be left with as a result of her living out her days with your family. Your family structure was complicated enough before she arrived.
Bottom line, she will die, it's inevitable. She will die in your home or she will die in the nursing home. Decide. ....And God bless you sweetheart.
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How sad that so many people had narcissistic mothers. I wish my mother was still around. I miss her so.
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I cannot tell you what to do but my mother is the same way. She is now 90 and has Alzheimer's. However, she had 6 kids and I am the one left holding the bag. No one else wants anything to do with her. Narcissistic puts it mildly. Sounds like the same with you. I am the one tho that is Bi-Polar and has had a very hard time with the fake everything. Never knowing what to believe. Always has been very manipulative. I had to move across country to get away from her finally when my kids were small. Looking back on the last 7-8 years though I do believe she had Alzheimer/Dementia for a long time and hid it very well in her web of lies. YOU are the most important person in all of this to make sure is well tho because without you the whole bunch will fall apart. Step back. Find a counselor you can talk to if nothing else as a sounding board. Write me and we can talk too. You DONOT have to do this alone. I truly feel your pain and heartache. It really sounds like she may also have more than you know. Get her in to see someone, a neurologist or geriatric doctor. Are you guardian? POA? I hope you get the help you need. Good luck and PLEASE let me know if you need anything
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I too have a Mother like this. She is abusive and I concluded that I would never get anything from her but the destruction of my self-esteem.

I feel the key is to take care of yourself and do what's right for you and your family. I am the Scape-goated one too and although it became a habit to try and win my Mother's approval - only the opposite could ever happen.

Save yourself - leave her to those who are better able to cope with her.
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Superbly said countrymouse. I have nothing to add.
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What you have been doing is more than any one person can handle and be responsible for. I echo the others who have said to get her into a care facility with people trained and paid to deal with the elderly and all their problems and ways. You already have your hands full caring for your husband and son and work. That is a big load, too. Do not feel guilty. Do not let yourself be "used" by someone who doesn't really care. You have gone more than the extra mile and for your own sanity and well-being should get out of this situation. Your husband and son need your love, too. You can do that once rested and away from this toxic person. I, like you, would want to be able to deal with her, too. But I would be lost far sooner than you were in spite of all my good intentions and deep caring. This may take some time to get past once she is out of your home, so counseling is a very good idea to help you heal. May you be guided to the best choices and path to follow.
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Has the thought come to you or anyone out there that we contribute to the delinquency of our loved one by doing almost everything to help them? Well, if it helps you my wife has vascular dementia and really many times not responsible for what she says or does. She is happy in the Assisted Living portion of the retirement community and I help her and the staff as much as I can. We do have a DNR and most likely will not let her go to the local hospital if she may need to. God knows our days and we can make our days enjoyable or not to a point. I want to make it enjoyable both for her and me, so my times are in HIS hands. Love while you can and make memories when you can also.
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Wow--this is probably THE most discussed topic on these boards--the narcissist parent making their kids' lives miserable--but the inability of the kids (no matter your age!!) is still living in the past with all the past dynamics and control issues.
I would have put mother in ALF last year, but was shot down by the other (MIA) sibs. They think everything is peachy.

You are worried that she may die if sent to a NH? She's going to die, anyway, not be crude about it, and do you WANT your son to watch that happen? Should your hubby be the primary caregiver as that happens?

What THEY want and what WE KNOW is possible for their care are often miles apart.

Moving your mom to a NH will be hard, but if you do not do it, the end may just be so absolutely horrible your family won't survive it. Sounds like your mom rules your house with an iron fist. How awful. My hubby would have left this situation years ago.

Good luck.
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I am sorry for your situation. I have seen cases like this in families. Every attempt is made to find peace but it never works and the end result is that every family member is filled with anger and resentment and things get worse from there. When you have a parent who is narccistic and another parent who has mental issues, and there is constant chaos - well, then do something about it. Remove the worst one and put that one into a facility. Perhaps this will make it easier on your father to be part of the family. If not, you know what you have to do. Families cannot and should not be torn apart because of bad behavior from their parents. Be strong and put an immediate stop to it. You know peace will never reign otherwise.
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Why do you assume a nursing home will neglect your mother? The experience you had with your grandmother does not need to be repeated. What kind of doctor is so specific – 'walk her every hour or she'll die in three months'. If that's the doctor's orders, he can find an environment for her where those needs will be met.

It will be difficult, because your mother has been pulling your strings your whole life, but you need to place her somewhere she can be cared for without hurting anyone else. If it helps motivate you, think about how your mother's demands are causing you to not meet your son's needs.

The next time your mother has one of her 'spells', take her to the Emergency Room. While she's being evaluated, ask to talk to a social worker about placement.

Of course, if your mother has the financial resources, pick out an assisted living community TOMORROW and move her in. No arguments, no discussions.

As is typical for the children of narcissists, you are having trouble saying no. You're trying to please her even though you know she can't be pleased. That's a very unhealthy way to live.
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hobeclaire,
She's an adult. Give her the ultimatum to either pack or you're leaving it on the curb on the first. As for her finances, I wouldn't even take care of that, let her make her own mistakes. But choosing to take care of anything for her, you're keeping yourself tied to a toxic person. Just let it go and let whatever happens happen. She already made your life and the lives of the rest of your family miserable, just wash your hands of her and let her be. I also was in a situation where I could never again be in the picture no fault of my own, it was their choice to push me away and keep me away. The more you stay in contact with the narcissist, the more they will abuse you until you cut them off. 

Problem
* You will see that even taking care of money or something like that for the narcissist, the problems will continue.

Solution
What I would do is just change my number and don't give it to the narcissist. Only give it to people you trust, but if the narcissist somehow ends up with your number, change it again and keep changing it and find out who gave your number away but just don't give them your new number from now on. You're trying to stay out of reach of the narcissist, and the more distance between you and the narcissist, the better.

I don't know if you ever heard of a thing called the no contact order, but many people who have survived and escaped a narcissist knows about a no contact order. It doesn't matter what you do for her now, she's always going to complain, look what she did when you showed her the new place, she had complaints, right? She will also complain about you taking care of her finances and other stuff. That's why you really need to cut her off and drop whatever it is you're doing for her and just stop doing it because she still going to make your life miserable if you don't cut her completely off. Trust me on this, she will keep hounding you in one way or another until you give in and give her what she wants. This is why you really need to completely cut her off, you'll be sorry if you don't. I know, it's your choice and your life but I'm just warning you from experience because I've been there in someway or another, and I know what a narcissist is capable of and what they'll do if you're attached to them in any way whatsoever either directly or indirectly. Moving the narcissist away from you or even moving out is not going to be enough because they will always want something from their victims and the will always victimize you if you let them
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Hobeclaire, for what it's worth, the BEST decision I've EVER made was to put my narc mother into assisted living, then allow the caregivers to deal with her rather than me. I call her and visit weekly, but basically, THEY have to deal with her rather than me. She shows THEM a much friendlier, happier face than she shows me, that's for sure. She's the social butterfly in the ALF, and everyone loves her. If she were living with me (God forbid), she'd be miserable 100% of the time. She's incapable of making decisions to begin with, so I did her a huge favor by making that big decision FOR her.
Best of luck to you.
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First, u need to have ur Mom evaluated. Then u need to talk to Medicaid. Hopefully, she has no home or assets, will be easier. Find out what you need to do to qualify her for help. A doctor maybe able to get her in a NH. When all is said and done, u may need a lawyer to help u around Medicaid and making the correct decisions. I think Medicaid allows his fees from any income Mom brings in. Check with them. Good Luck.
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I'm somewhere in the middle. I know mom is a narcissist. After 4 years of mostly misery. I'm moving mom to senior housing. Her move day is March 1st and she is in denial. The movers are scheduled and she refuses to pack. I've taken her over there once to look at her place, brand new! Did nothing but complain. I'm taking her back on the 1st and there she stays. She is all of the above everyone else has mentioned. I must stay strong! She does have her own home which I will continue to take care of along with her finances.
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Your narc mother is a grown adult, making her own decisions, and will either live or die as a result of those decisions. It is not your place, or your husband's place, to force her to drink water or to walk her around every hour, especially when she's making such a federal case about it! Get her into a facility right away and you know what? All that bad behavior will stop, since there will be nobody to manipulate in the facility. If she refuses to walk and drink water in the facility, then she will pass away as a result of her own behavior, and have no family members to blame.

Enough is enough.

Best of luck to you.
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OMG I feel you........in my case I get SOME respite every couple of months. In my case it's the daughter-in-law who is a Malignant Narcissist.....the first year I was here the son came down to relieve me for a week the day AFTER Christmas (I suppose being with my family over the holidays isn't as important as his being with his family....ugh)......the daughter-in-law called every day threatening to kill herself if the son didn't go home. Really? She has changed nearly every date I was to be off......she has called me horrible vile names.....she told this precious 96 yr old that I care for......that she "guess I won't see you again" as she left the day before his 95th birthday.....I cannot imagine having one of her and then two others with needs under my care......and WORKING outside the home as well. My heart goes out to you because I don't see a way with the one involved with me......I can't imagine being you.......heartbreaking.......for me? I am about to see a lawyer for the first time and already talked to an accountant about the $50 a day I was paid.......that is sure to blow the top of the Narcissist......I'm anxious about this, but enough is enough.....sometimes we have to look within to find the answers and resolutions to dealing with people who are killing us.
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Please reach out to your Area Agency on Aging or even Adult Protective Services. You are asking for help. You've done the very best you can and everyone is suffering. I give you permission to make the loving choice to move your mom. You can just be the daughter, you no longer have to be the care giver. It's really ok. Blessings to you and your family.
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What we casually call a "nursing home" is actually "skilled care" -- because that's precisely what they do. Nothing against your well-intentioned efforts, but this level of medical care and physical assistance and monitoring and cajoling is NOT what you are professionally educated in, right? Don't sweat it. You wouldn't expect yourself to be a successful aerospace engineer or concert violinist during every moment your free time, would you?? So stop expecting yourself to be 3 shifts of Rx and vitals management, dietician, PT, wound care, adult diaper care and every other physical need that will arise.

Make an appointment with a social worker from your county's senior division. Today. If mom is not already on Medicaid, the SW will get her application rolling. At the same time, he or she will help match mom with a facility that can address her constant (and escalating) needs.

Your mother is the type of parent who convinced her children from an early age that they only exist to be tied up in knots over her drama. You have every right and every reason to put a healthy distance between yourself and mom's toxicity. If you do that by placing mom in skilled care, you ARE taking care of her needs. Despite what the guilt machine in her mouth and the guilt machine in your mind are telling you. (That's all false guilt, BTW.)

You and your husband and son need to heal as individuals -- and as a family. This won't "just happen." This requires courage and action on your part. Again, you are not "putting mom out." You are matching her with the proper level of care.

It's time to reclaim tour home. And tend to your own needs....and hubby's and son's needs. It's OK to do this. It really is.

Good luck. Stay strong!!
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I had the same type of mom. However, when she "went down" I was there for her. I sold her house, moved her into assisted living and she thrived because there were others her own age. I visited at least once a week, sometimes more if I could swing it. I took her out for the day, treated her to lunch, etc. and we began to enjoy each other's company. It was the best 2 years of our lives. It was wonderful. I'm so thankful I did what I could and she appreciated it. BTW, my siblings seemed to have forgotten her and only visited her a few times in assisted living. I have no regrets. I loved my mom dearly - thru it all - and know that she loved me, too. Do the right thing for yourself, your family and do what you can for your mom.
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All of these answers are excellent. If it's one thing I've learned taking care of my inlaws until their passing, my parents until my mom just passed still taking care of my 95 year old dad, my sister until her passing, my son who is divorced and living with us along with his 2 young boys, is that it's vital to keep yourself healthy and happy......which by the way is the hardest thing of all (i'm fighting a cold from one of the boys right now). If you are not happy and healthy there is no way you can take care of anyone else to the best of your ability. You have got to get your mom out of your home......quickly. If she doesn't have any money there is always medicaid to help and other ways. Talk to a social worker at a nursing home or at least assisted living. My husband had an extremely stressful job along with traveling almost every week until his retirement. There is no way I would have brought that chaos into the house for him to deal with after 42 years of his job. I'm not blaming you at all. You thought you were helping or ma;ybe she didn't have the money but like the other posts said.....she's not happy and will NEVER be happy. She sounds like she needs to be on meds which I doubt YOU could ever get her to admit she needed them or take them but a facility probably could because they deal with this every day. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you need to take abuse anymore. You are the adult now and DON'T take it. Tell the siblings she's out of your house in a month. If no one takes her then she goes to a nursing home, assisted living, or psych hospital. For a breather, look in to respite care at a facility. That's usually for 5 to 7 days. It will give you time to talk to a social worker and get things in order (plus, bonus is that you get some much needed rest). By the way.....have you ever TOLD her you are not takiing her abuse anymore and the next time she starts in with the lies and the acting out she's out of your home?? Just curious..... Good Luck and God Bless
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Listen to Countrymouse and the others.

You have had your taste of hell. Now get her settled somewhere and take care of yourself and immediate family.

Placing her will not be easy--she will cry, blah, blah, blah. It will not be pretty--but it will be short-lived. Steel yourself, grin and bear it. It will be over in a few hours. Then--DO NOT VISIT FOR A MONTH. Give her a chance to get used to the place and for the place and doctors to get her on the right meds.

Sending you a big hug!
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Sorry to hear about the challenges you are being faced with. My mom is a classic narcissist so I know the games they play to get what they want. Persons like our mothers prey on the weak, kind and generous. PLEASE PUT HER IN A FACILITY. I know it's your mother but you also have a husband and son to take care of. A nursing facility will have the resources, the staff and the knowledge to deal with her. If she wants to play with their emotions they will take it with a grain of salt and not really take it to heart.
Do what is best for you who is number 1. Don't feel obligated.
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Bless your heart you have your hands full. BUT, you have to take care of number one (YOU). You are the rock that holds this family together. If a doctor say that your mother will not live long in a nursing home. Look at other nursing homes or In home care homes. There are homes that take in seniors and care for them in there homes. They have several seniors and it's more one on one care. I feel your Mother would be happy after a while. You need this and your family needs this. I cared for my MIL in our home for years and it's a hard job. Plus I took care of my autistic grandson daily. Your family is so luck to have you. Good luck to all of you..
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Listen to all those who tell you to take care of yourself. I was reluctant to put my husband in a nursing home, but I'm glad I listened to a social worker and placed him. Two years later, my body and spirit are still recovering from the stress I put myself under by taking care of someone who needed a team of people to care for his needs.
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