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Let me begin with, yes my mother is a Narcissist. Growing up, it has always been about her. She had 4 of us, one she sent way to foster care. The other three she pit against each other. She lies like no tomorrow. There is no room to love others because of her own selfishness. My father always worked and was never home. So she yelled, pushed arounds her kids, and ignored us as much as possible. I was the one that she admitted she hated as a child. How ironic, I am the only one that is taking care of her..Today she had many medical issues that forced her with my family that includes my mental ill husband, and ADHD son.
What was I thinking!! She lies ALL THE TIME, to family, doctors, etc. Refuses to do what she had to do to stay alive. Yet, if she thinks she is having a heart attach, call 911 now! Then when caught in lie or deception she hates life and wants to die. She is still trying to pit my own family against each other. She fake cries, lies all the time when corrected. Then when she doea nor get up and walk, she falls, unstable,gets dizzy. When she gets up every hour and walks her stability returns to normal.
My husband takes care of her. He came down with mental illness 2 years ago from high stress managent job. It is chaos daily. He tries and tries to get her to do the right thing, she lies, he feeds her balanced meals as instructed by Dr. She refuses or cries or lies. She has CHF and has to walk every hour and drink 6 8oz water daily. I come home from work, he is stressed, she is stressed. She does not walk, too tired, 1 glass of water Total and she is dehydrated. She is now longing for my attention, my son NEEDS my attention, my husband needs my attention. My mother puts on her narcissist behavior, starts crying, hand over face. Then starts, nobody cares or loves me. My husband now in anxiety attach, he has had enough, my son want mother, cant handle the chaos my mother is causing.
I am told by doctors she will die within 3 months if in nursing home because she has to walk every hour. Most of our battle..well lies, walking and drinking.
My grandmother had CHF and went to rehab, died 2 months later of CHF. If I can keep her, she will live. We kept her alive for 11 months but at everyones expense.
This family is stressed out.
I am stressed, working, trying to mend my family and I just want to put my mother in time out, in her room! I cant hand handle much more. Oh, my sisters and brother dont want her. And my mom is a Christian that lies, deceives and hurts others.
I dont know what to do. I started to lay ground rules and she does more fake cries, pouts, negative talking that nobody loves her. Husband is over it, losing patience, son losing patience and losing respect for grandmother.
And my mother seems to be holding the strings!
One minute she is crying and 5 minutes later laughing at the cat or dog! The family is upset because of her actions, and she acts like nothing is wrong!
Help, I dont know what to do anymore. I am out of ideas to bring this house together in Harmony.

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Here are your priorities, in order:

1. You. Because if you go under, so does everybody else. What do *you* need to keep functioning?

2. Your husband. Because if he melts down, your son and your mother will lose his crucial input.

3. Your son. Because he's your son.

4. Your mother. Because she's your mother, and you are a compassionate person.

But at the moment, the person who should be the lowest priority is taking over everything else. You look after your mother in your home because you fear for her health and her happiness. So. Is she healthy? No. Is she happy? No. Looking after her in your home is not even working for *her*, let alone the higher priority members of the family.

You are not responsible for your mother's chronic heart disease. You are not responsible for her chronic misery, nor for her mental instability.

You are responsible for making the decisions that impact on your family's wellbeing. So if changes need to be made - hint: they do - it is up to you to make them.

A good nursing home will not neglect your mother's needs. The 'up and about every hour' prescription - you may find that they're actually better able to cope with that than your poor husband is, because they won't care if your mother argues with them. But in any case, your mother is too big a handful for two people. She needs a whole team. Place her, as fast as you can.
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You have some great answers here but let me tell you from experience, your mother needs to be put into a nursing home. You cannot keep going on like this and neither can your husband and child. You cannot take care of everyone and your husband is having panic and anxiety attacks and your son is ADHD....put mom into a nursing home, you and your family have done all that you can and do not beat yourself up over it!
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It sounds like there are very long standing issues of hurt, pain, abuse, etc. Has your mother suffered with depression or some other mental health issues? Sometimes, that causes people to be miserable, neglect their responsibilities and generally behave n odd ways. I'd discuss it with her doctor to see if she can be treated.

Having that person who caused you such pain living in your home and causing your family more heartache sounds troublesome. Do you think that she has changed for the better? Not likely. Did you go through therapy to get past it? If not, then, I don't see how you expect things to be good. Plus, it sounds like mom might be having some cognitive issues herself. If that's the case, she may be progressing to become even more difficult to manage.

I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish, since your mom would be perfectly cared for elsewhere, since, it's apparently not working in your home. I'd explore where she can be placed and then do it. If she has the funds to cover it, they can be applied and if not, apply her for Medicaid.

I don't understand allowing your mom, who didn't do right by you to make your husband, who has his own medical problems miserable in his own home. I can't see how it would help your son either, if she is impossible to accommodate. Living with a person who is miserable, depressed and generally, unhealthy can take a toll on you and your family. It sounds like a big sacrifice for no real gain. I'd also consider counseling for yourself, as your pain still sounds fresh.
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Pzatvarn1, your mother sounds so much like mine. If we spoke the truth of how things are, people would say we're terrible. So we keep suffering through it. My mother is 90 years old now and has dementia. For years now she has set in front of the TV all day, getting up only to eat and use the bathroom. I used to encourage her to get up and get out. I would tell her to use it or lose it. That would just get her upset with me that I didn't understand what it was like to be old and hurting. The trouble was that I knew her and knew that most of it was that she was more comfortable just sitting. I finally let her be, since it was just making my life more unpleasant by encouraging her to do things.

Is your mother's mind okay other than being narcissistic? I would say if it is, then let her know what she needs to do, then if she doesn't do it, then it is her decision. It is sad that your husband has to be around her. Living with someone who is like that is torture. Believe I know! I wish there was another option for the sake of your family. Daily stress can ruin people's lives when it goes on too long. What does he think you should do about your mother? He and your son are your primary concern. You are concerned that your mother would only last 3 months in a NH because she won't walk or drink enough. How long has she been living at your home? She hasn't been doing the things she needs to do, so it doesn't seem that things are any different than it would be at a NH.
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Dear Pzat...you are at burnout...where do you place the dividing line between being compassionate and constantly being used and abused by your own parent. You and your entire family...and for most of your life? I live here too. Narcissitic people can be very charming to outsiders...and will use lies to get what they want. Often you won't find a lot of support as society thinks older people are so sweet...right? Wrong. After years of me towing her line...after she refused to take rx ..just Paxil for obvious reasons...I finally hit the wall..set up counseling...told my brother I'm Done...I feel ashamed..but he is stepping up finally....my moms in a beautiful senior apt I worked years to get her into...all she needs is transportation to dr apts..so I live in guilt and shame...now...hopefully counseling will help and I can resume what feels like the right thing to do..help her..with strong boundaries...which she's never respected...I recommend counseling...your sanity depends on it..prayers for your entire family. Hugs
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I can tell you from experience that the only way you're ever going to find a peaceful life is to cut off the narcissist and move on. You say you're taking care of her? You don't know her anything! What you need to do is get your priorities straight and decide what really matters and what doesn't. You don't know that narcissist one more part of yourself, she ruined it  so let her decide how to take care of herself. She's probably not paying you either, you can't just hire free caregivers and not expect to pay them, they deserve decent pay especially in your situation. I would call APS and alert them to the situation. I would just leave and let whatever happens happen because you don't  whatever happens happen because you don't owe her nothing, and next time she tries to order you around, just don't cater to her demand, I'll just pretend like she doesn't even exist, kind of like she's just not there. Yes, just ignore her like she's not even there and go about whatever you're doing.  If you have a mobile device with downloaded Music and a pair of earbuds, just turn on your music ahead of time before she has a chance to bark out orders. Yes, kind of distract yourself and get into your music and before long you won't even know what she's saying or doing, but at the same time be aware of your surroundings and don't let her attack you. If she does anything to you, call the law and press charges. Make them stick if you do. If given your particular situation, I personally would take the first opportunity and go somewhere on an outing as far away from home as absolutely possible. Get her engaged in some kind of activity she really enjoys and when she barely knows you're there, just simply leave and never look back but be sneaky about it. Yes, just dump her somewhere, I sure would, I have no tolerance for these types of people after having been through too much abuse in my life. After all, this person is an adult and I remind you again, you don't owe her nothing and you're not obligated to her especially if she's living in your home and has no home of her own. Yep, I would definitely dump her as far away as absolutely possible if she was living in my home and trying to take over everything and making the lives of me and my family miserable. Dumping someone like that is about the best thing you can do. If she's left somewhere, she'll just have to scrape scrape up all her money and start over, because I wouldn't let her back in my house, no way not know how! If she has a key, I would change the locks. 

My experience with narcissists 

I can tell you that the narcissist behavior will never stop and that it's just a different pattern of the abuse cycle and in less you've actually been physically abused, you'll never understand the cycle. Hindsight is a very good teacher and there are different abuse types that you may not recognize even though you may have been in one or two. You may have experience was with one or two abuse types but you may not be able to spot or recognize unfamiliar ones. Sometimes we must go through something in order to understand it because sometimes it takes experience to learn a lesson. Sadly, something people must go through the same thing over and over and over until they get it but other times they must go through it because there's no escape. I can tell you as an abuse survivor that the only way to have a peaceful life is to cut off the person who is hurting you because they don't care about you or anyone else, they only care about themselves and not the needs of others. Cutting them out of your life may very well include dumping them somewhere if they are living in your home, but dump them as far away as possible, change the locks and your number. Selfish people will go to great links to make sure the needs of even their own people are never met, I know this for a fact because I grew up around two drunken abusive and very selfish parents. It's sad how selfish people very often end up using even their own, only to leave them struggling in ruin and not provide for their needs later in life despite not providing for them during childhood. I think new laws should be made to crack down on all abuse types, meaning that new laws would make some kind of provision for abuse survivors if those laws don't already exist.
Narcissistic people are very capable of tremendous damage toward their victims, and doesn't it seem funny they often attract the company of other victims and sometimes other narcissists? Now I know what's meant by birds of a feather flock together because they really do flock together. The kind of person you are will reflect what kind of company you keep, and whatever kind of company you keep speaks volumes of you. You may or may not agree with everything your type of company does or supports, but if you don't support it, don't do it or you become just like them. If you don't want to become narcissistic, don't hang with narcissists and learn their behavior. What you need right now is to hang with only healthy company and sever toxic relationships that are poisoning you without you knowing it. 

Before judging anything I say, try walking a mile where I've been because you have no idea until you've been where I have. Most people couldn't handle where I've been nor could they have survived what I survived. I don't think you could handle where I've been, but I've learned many lessons, and I have the sense to not deal with those types of situations ever again. Yep, I've developed a no nonsense strategy of no tolerance whatsoever. 

You say she won't do what's necessary to stay alive? OK then, let her die if she wants it that way. I can tell you right now she's just keeping the illness cycle going on, I've seen this kind of behavior before with an elderly friend who is now dead. If they don't want to take necessary steps to stay alive and healthy, then just let them go because they have a death wish. I can tell you I've seen this before, I've known different types of narcissists before, and isn't it strange how they just keep the illness cycle going and don't even try to make improvements to better their own lives? Yep, these are the kinds you must absolutely say let them die, they're taking away from other people who really need the help and will put forth an effort to better themselves. What I see you doing right now in this so-called caregiving is actually enabling her when you could move on to someone else who really needs you because she doesn't or she would be making improvements to stay alive and healthy. Look back at everything and you'll see where I'm coming from.
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Another thought...if your parent you are care giving is a narcissus ..and you have a kind nature...compassionate...you are their perfect prey...they will definitely use your good nature to get their demands met...
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You are entitled to live the life that you choose. You are entitled to some peace of mind and happiness. You are entitled to live in a peaceful environment. Your mother didn't deprive herself of living her life in the manner she chose and she is still is trying to do that. You know what action needs to be taken. There shouldn't be any guilt attached to your decision because it's the right one for you and for her.
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What we casually call a "nursing home" is actually "skilled care" -- because that's precisely what they do. Nothing against your well-intentioned efforts, but this level of medical care and physical assistance and monitoring and cajoling is NOT what you are professionally educated in, right? Don't sweat it. You wouldn't expect yourself to be a successful aerospace engineer or concert violinist during every moment your free time, would you?? So stop expecting yourself to be 3 shifts of Rx and vitals management, dietician, PT, wound care, adult diaper care and every other physical need that will arise.

Make an appointment with a social worker from your county's senior division. Today. If mom is not already on Medicaid, the SW will get her application rolling. At the same time, he or she will help match mom with a facility that can address her constant (and escalating) needs.

Your mother is the type of parent who convinced her children from an early age that they only exist to be tied up in knots over her drama. You have every right and every reason to put a healthy distance between yourself and mom's toxicity. If you do that by placing mom in skilled care, you ARE taking care of her needs. Despite what the guilt machine in her mouth and the guilt machine in your mind are telling you. (That's all false guilt, BTW.)

You and your husband and son need to heal as individuals -- and as a family. This won't "just happen." This requires courage and action on your part. Again, you are not "putting mom out." You are matching her with the proper level of care.

It's time to reclaim tour home. And tend to your own needs....and hubby's and son's needs. It's OK to do this. It really is.

Good luck. Stay strong!!
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Although I cannot classify my mother as a narcissist, she definitely needs to be the center of attention. I had to pick her up, in December, from her home in GA because APS had been called. She lived with me for two miserable months. I found a great assisted living place about 2 weeks ago and she seems to be thriving! And, our relationship is much better! Find your mother a place and move her, immediately. I am not sure what kind of doctors would guilt you into keeping her at home with you? Telling you that she will die within 3 months? They really don't know. Your family needs to be able to heal, so do what is best for you, your husband and son. Mom had her chance...
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