Follow
Share

She had broken a hip and is now in a nursing home.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Some people are very afraid of going to a nursing home to visit their parent. They only see the damaged people, hear the ones that are hollering out, and they just can’t do it. They want to remember their parent as they were when young and healthy.
If they already know she is there, they are probably avoiding going.
Of course you are upset, I see nothing wrong with telling them you love her and think they should visit her. Then I agree with “Let it go”.
Just focus on your wife.
Hugs, families are complicated.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Daughterof1930 said almost exactly what I was going to say - of course you have a reason to be upset but it really won't get you anywhere. Family dynamics are all different and family conflicts can be full of hidden minefields, this is something best left to your spouse to sort out.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Yes, I would be upset. But I guess another question is “Is your wife upset?” If she’s aware that they don’t visit, and it upsets her or makes her sad, I would be inclined to pursue it vigorously. If she doesn’t know or doesn’t care, then maybe this is something you’ll just have to deal with knowing it’s their loss. Either way, have you told them you’d like them to visit?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Visiting can be hard, particularly when nursing homes are depressing, when conversation runs out after five minutes but the trip takes three hours, LO doesn’t seem all that pleased to see you, may be tied up doing something else, or at worst may not even recognise you. A couple of comments, for and against pushing.

One ‘for’ suggestion would be to ask sons to send her cards in the post every couple of weeks. I found that they were a big success for a LO who was a long way away, as they were ‘an event’ to receive and the staff often used them as conversation starters. Are there daughters in law? Wrongly or rightly, they might be a better bet to ask for this. You could even try sending them a stock of cards to use – a fairly solid hint!

Against is that if relations with sons are not good, they can always get worse. You can end up on bad terms with them, and the situation can stress your wife out if she understands that something is going wrong. You may be better off letting the whole thing fade. Sad but true! There may seem ‘no point’ to her sons now, but it may change if there is a crisis. That will be easier if your relationship with them hasn’t deteriorated.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
MichaelC Sep 10, 2018
I wwould also ask for pictures of them, their families, etc... With the phones almost everyone carries that is simple and they can send them to you to share...
(1)
Report
Of course you are upset! My only advice would be that when people do show up, try very hard to be welcoming and encouraging. Avoid any "It's about time" comments no matter how justified you would be in saying that. Reminding people that what they are doing isn't enough doesn't encourage them to do more.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Absolutely you should be upset. Was their relationship good or strained previously? Sons should visit their mom’s, but all too often it doesn’t turn out that way. It’s good you’re there for her. Please don’t waste precious time and energy resenting the sons, it makes you bitter and doesn’t change them at all. It’s fine to contact them and ask that they visit, then if they don’t you’ve done all you can
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I would call each of them and ask that they come and see Mom. Explain that a broken hip in older people can be serious. She would be so glad to see them. If they hm and haw around, then just say you hope they won't regret not seeing her. Then say goodbye. Then let it go.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

If she is not asking about them it might be best to let these boys slide.
My wife and I visit my parents daily, it’s a half mile away. We run to the store and try to stay out of the way.
A year or so we were mad at the 20 or so children, grandchildren, etc who certainly enjoyed the help my parents provided. We sent a photo of my mom after a fall, mom is on blood thinner and it looked so bad my grandchildren would come to her.
One of her favorites was so mad at this visual prompting they excluded my wife and I from their wedding. And, I had to explain this to my parents as well.
You can’t make punk kids grow up.
I hate an ingrate.
I pray that peace and comfort will come into your home.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
robin4gsltw Sep 8, 2018
So sorry to hear but know how it is. Some do nothing but just want the money. You really find out what people are made of in a time of need.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
You don't need permission to be upset. You are upset. Of course, they SHOULD have come, but there really is no point in worrying about it because they are obviously not worried about it themselves. Besides there is nothing you can do to change them. People always end up doing what they want to do. In any case, If they did come you would know it was only out of a feeling of duty. Just chalk it up to experience.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Being upset is natural, and justified in your case.

But it can be difficult to visit a really sick parent- I went through that and felt like I was having an out-of-body experience the entire time mom was in hospice before she died.

You don't want to say 'How are you?' because you know how they are- sick and unwell, and may never be well again.

You don't want to seem cheerful- because they aren't. And it seems selfish on your part to be happy when they aren't.

You don't want to talk about your life- because theirs is now confined to a bed or room.. what kind of life is that?

That's when it gets tough, to put aside your own feelings for theirs. To smile when you don't want to, to cry in private because it would upset them. Sending cards is a great idea... short phone calls, too. Just saying 'Mom, I love you' is usually exactly what she wants and needs to hear.

So-- get in touch with those boys and tell them to man up and call their mom and at least send a card. They just may need to be reminded that this isn't about them, it's about her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter