My wife of 54yrs passed away from the virus. I had a lot of assets which I left to her upon my death. Now these assets have to be addressed.

Joel,

My condolences on the loss of your wife, death is even harder now when we cannot grieve as a community.

Having said that your kids and grandkids are not responsible for your care. It is unreasonable to ask them to be at your beck and call. And it is unforgivable to threaten to disinherit them if they do not ask how high when you say jump.

You state, "Their attitude is I pay someone to help me they are too busy with their own family. This hurt me a great deal because they want my assets but don't want to help and when they ever do, they believe they are doing me a favor." They are very clearly telling you to use your assets to pay your way, they are not saying they want your assets. And yes, they are doing you a favour.

You say you have lots of assets, use them to hire people to do the jobs you need doing.

You are driving your kids and grand kids away with your expectations that they will provide you with free labour. If every interaction with you is you demanding they do a job for you or they will lose their inheritance, then of course they are going to avoid you.

You can do what ever you want with your assets, but your family is clearly setting boundaries with you and will not dance to your tune any longer.

You can't use money to enforce help. That is wrong on so many levels and it is manipulative.

Do what I want when I want or no inheritance! That's just ugly.

I agree with your children, hire someone to do your bidding.

I am sorry for your loss, but it doesn't give you the right to treat your children the way you described.

It is not your children's responsibility to jump every time you want something and then threaten to disinherit them if they don't move quickly enough. Sounds to me like you have been 'needing their help' a bit too much which is why your daughter said she has her own kids to look after. Take their advise and pay someone to do things around the house...that is what your money is for. Unless they have outright asked you for money don't go telling people they are just after an inheritance without 'earning it'. By definition alone you don't earn an inheritance, it is freely given. And if you choose not to give you are well within your right. You complain about their attitude but yours is so much worse. Yes when they help you they ARE doing you a favor. Act like it and say Thank You. My grandmother would complain no one would visit her. She blamed it on younger people not wanting to be around older people. The reason was she was demanding and unpleasant to be around. Be someone your children want to visit, not someone they feel obligated to serve.

I am so sorry for your loss; my sincere condolences.

Several years ago, my son said something to me that got my Irish up, and I'm not even Irish. He mentioned something to the effect that my money was 'his money' and I immediately corrected that twisted logic. I told him, make no mistake, MY money is MY money and I intend to SPEND every last dime while I'm alive so there IS no inheritance for ANYONE.

My statement to him is not necessarily the truth. But it IS true that My Money Is MY Money and Not His Money, and I Will Do With It As I Please.

Which is my suggestion to YOU. Live well, my friend. Spend your money on yourself. Renovate your house. Buy a fancy car. Take a luxury vacation when this whole pandemic crisis is over. In other words, LIVE. Have the best of everything and let your offspring fend for themselves.

The 'entitled' generation is entitled to nothing, in reality. They just think they are. You know what they say about rude awakenings and all...........

Personal opinion here....
Forget about trying to "leave" anything to anyone.
(Ok, maybe establish a fund for college for the grandchildren but forget the kids)
Use YOUR money to take care of YOU NOW.
If you need work done, pay someone to do it
If the house it getting a bit large for you find a nice Independent living community that has a full range of care.
Travel, go to the places that you and your wife wanted to go. If you do not want to go yourself then join a travel group.
Start now getting rid of items that no one wants. That China cabinet you got from "Great Grandma Eugenia"..no one in the family wants sell it or donate it. The collection of tea pots ....trust me no one wants them either, donate or sell them. Clothes you no longer wear, if they are "vintage" (polite way of saying really old) donate to the local school Theater Group. And on and on.
Some of these things might be difficult to do now but get a plan in place.
the money YOU earned, YOU saved should be used for YOUR care.
IF there is anything left maybe word your Will so that the money goes into a Trust to be used for College or other advanced education for your Grandchildren and depending on how much is in the Trust and how it grows another generation can take advantage of it.

I am first of all very sorry for your loss. Were I you I would move to the best, most expensive independent living facility I could find, and begin to spend my money like a drunken sailor. Spend up as much of it as you are able, leave the rest to your favorite charity after checking out that charity as well as you are able to insure that they do the work you expect them to do with your money. Should you wish to leave just a bit to each of your children then do so, and leave it in equal amounts. You don't need to spend eternity watching them bicker over who got what. Or, leave them nothing. Do you own your own home? Is there property with it? I have a friend who moved and built another house on property in the thought that when she needs help the people would live in it and provide help and companionship, etc. So that's a thought. Forget about expecting much from the kids. They seem to have made it clear where they stand. You still seem to have the wherewithall to both enjoy your own money, and to spend it. Do your grieving; then move on as your wife would wish you to do. I have seen people find love again. It surprises you when you least expect it. And if THAT happens you just watch those kids show up on the doorstep fast. My best to you. I hope for your healing.

I don't think anyone has the right to expect an inheritance just because they're related to someone who has excess funds. That said, I also don't believe anyone has the right to expect family members to help them. If they help you, they actually ARE doing you a favor. It shouldn't be an expectation.

I helped my mother manage her daily affairs with errands, cleaning, shopping, home maintenance, for more than 7 years as well as being a caregiver when she was sick or injured. However, if my mother had money to pay for help, I would have expected her to do that rather than continue using me as a source of unpaid labor. I would have liked our relationship to be a source of mutual support and companionship, not a source of constant demands and friction. You have the luxury of being able to pay for help and letting yourself just be their dad and your kids just be your kids. You're losing out on the relationships you could be having with them by trying to turn it into a service for payment relationship. I'm sorry you lost your wife. You don't need to lose your kids and grandkids too.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I went back and read your first post. Seems one son has been avoiding you since the shutdown. You have gotten some good replies here, and I agree with all of them.

The sooner you stop expecting anything from your children the better. I will assume you are in your mid 70s, early 80s? Like said, spend your money. First, I would see a lawyer. You might want to assign a POA but I wouldn't make it one of your children. Then draft a new will. Maybe a simple one for now. I would mention in it since your children had no interest in helping you, that what is left of your estate will be split among your granchildren. That money will be put in a trust till they are 21. Or, give it all to charity.

I, too, would start downsizing. Believe me, you accumulate a lot of "stuff" in 54 years. Start by getting rid of things you have never worn or haven't worn in years. Keep only kitchen stuff you will use. I doubt if you will use that 12 place china and silver that ur wife had. Crystal? This kind of stuff an estate sale company may buy from you. You could make a list of things and ask the kids what they would want. Giving them a time to get back to you. If they don't get back o you, donate or sell. If you have a home, like suggested, downsize. Do you really want the upkeep and taxes. (I live in NJ and what I pay in taxes would get me a nice apt for at least 4 or 5 months) Facebook has yardsale sights. Find one in your area. You would be surprised what people will buy.

These are all decisions you will need to make, it looks like on your own.

I’m sorry for your loss. What a huge life change to be without your wife after so many years together. I’m sure your adult children’s lack of interest in coming to help you go through things is increasing your pain. To lessen this, I hope you’ll stop asking them. Go through things as you feel able and ready. Dispose of items in the way you’d like, no worries about giving them anything. This may be a big disappointment to you, but they’ve shown you that they don’t want to be involved, there could be many reasons why and in the end it doesn’t matter. It only hurts you to keep trying to get them involved. Your assets and money need to be kept for your own future. Decide now what you want that future to look like. Get your belongings down to what you really want and need. Update your will to reflect your wishes for what you will leave behind one day. I wish you peace through this

I am so sorry for your loss. That's a very long marriage and that is rare. I'd consult with your attorney about your plans to dispose of your assets upon your death. They can give you advice on what may be the best route to take or if you want to consider Trusts.

You are free to leave property as you please. I do understand how you feel that in light of the inheritance the adult children should help you. While I normally say that adults don't owe their senior parents time, work, help, etc. in some cases, it only seems fair. If there were an inheritance in place, I think that I would be very willing to help out my father who needs it. To thumb your nose at an inheritance seems quite foolish to me. I've learned that we can't make others feel and act in the ways we think are wise.

But, the choice is yours. I would keep in mind that when some children are left out of a will or get very little, they may remain bitter to those who did inherit and it brings out family strife between the siblings forever. I hope things work out and get resolved to your satisfaction.