It sounds like you're probably going to have continued problems as long as your mom is living there. It would probably be a good idea to pack her up and relocate her if it means saving your marriage
Joe, caregiving puts a REAL strain on a marriage! You haven't given us much background to work with but here are some things to consider. What is the reason your Mom moved into your home? How much care does she require and is she cooperative? Does your wife work outside the home in addition to the added responsibility of caregiving or are you doing most of the caregiving. Since your mom is now with you, she should be contributing to the household. That money can be used to buy additional services to help her. How about house cleaning? There isn't a woman I know that wouldn't gladly give up that job. (Imagine your wife's delight) . Does Mom need help showering, etc? Bring in a home health aide a few times a week to do that task. Who is accompanying your mom to medical appointments? Have you taken a turn? Caregiving is a LOT of WORK. Depending upon what help Mom needs, your wife may just be exhausted and need some help. Let us know more about the situation.
Caregiving is a strain on marriages. I see it happening in our family even though everyone, all my siblings and spouses are trying to be and want to be helpful. All of our marriages are strained as we try to manage moms dementia. We are all held hostage to it. We love her, and care for her, but it's hard. You need to be sure you are doing your part, and not all the responsibilities fall on your spouse too. It's your mother. For us we are seeking full time care or assisted living for mom. Also don't neglect your spouse or marriage for your mom. We are not guaranteed that our spouses will out live our elderly parents, or even live another day. As I care for my mom I try to make sure I don't totally ignore my husband. We are not promised another day. I don't want to ignore him because of what I'm going through as caregiver. He could be gone in an instant. It's very easy to let the urgency of caregiving cause you to neglect your life.
Very simple answer. If the problems started with her moving in, then move her out. If she won't go, or the husband won't allow it, then get an apartment for a week or so to give them time to come to a realistic plan. Drastic? Yes. Necessary? Yes, unless you wish to continue like it is now. I am not advocating a divorce, quite the opposite. Let mom and your husband, well, maybe your husband, find out firsthand how much 24-7 caregiving will drain a person. After a week or so they should have a plan, or at least the desire to find a plan, that will work for all of you.
When we were first married, we were often charged with "babysitting" for my husband's retarded sister. My husband's #1 goal in life, other than working at the family business 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, was to ingratiate himself to "The Family". When we babysat for sis, Hubby was working and it was up to me to entertain Sis. I didn't t have that great of a relationship with my in-laws and I felt used and unappreciated. Could this be what's going on with you? I highly resented having my personal space invaded by Sis. She rifled through my things and took what she wanted. My husband never expressed appreciation for my care of his sister, which included bathing her and helping her dress. Resentment ran rampant! When my children and grandchildren came along and we moved to a smaller home, I put. my foot down and said enough. Talk calmly and kindly to your wife and listen to her feelings about Mom. Your first obligation is to her and your marriage. Discuss options for other placement for Mom. Good luck!
Bringing a parent into your home to care for seems like the right thing to do. In our parent's day, care giving for the elderly was a natural thing, as family was close by. I also believe back in the day, there were no places for the elderly to go. I have personally experienced having my mom move in with my husband and I. She had early stages of dementia. For the first 6 months, it was a joy having her, but then things began to change and not for the better. She could not be left alone, ever. My husband and I adapted our lives, but ultimately it came down to our marriage unraveling. I was stressed out from care giving and there was no energy left for him. Here's what I can suggest: Make sure you have covered all your bases with information, information, information regarding your mom's diagnosis. I didn't do this. I didn't know where to begin as it was all new to me. If you have siblings, you must work together! This cannot all be on you. I didn't do this. Get her doctor's opinion on what's best for your mom. When I did this, I found out I was not doing my mom any favors after her dementia increased. She needed routine. Living in assisted living with others her age with planned activities, etc was needed. Do I fight the guilt of not having her with me, especially when she asks why she can't live with me? Oh yes! But, I have gained so much counsel from her doctor, who specializes in elder care and this is a must. It was night and day counsel between her General MD and a Geriatric MD. He specializes in elder care. Just a few pointers I wish I had known before I began this journey. My marriage? We recovered, Praise God!
Geewiz is right. We need more information. Caregiving is very draining, and you need to examine the reasons you moved your mother in with you and your wife, what your mother and you and your wife's needs are, and how to best solve the problems that have contributed to your wife and you not getting along.
My problem was my husband thought I should be doing more with Mom. First I had taken care of my infant grandson for 18 months and then Mom. They overlapped for a couple of weeks. I live in a split level. Moms room was on the lower level because of the bath and easy excess to the outside. I have a den two floors up that I spend most of my time in. Just big enough for a loveseat, TV and office chair. Husband felt that I should bring Mom up two flights of stairs to be with me. I never really adjusted to caregiving. This was my get away. Things are better now she went to an AL and then a NH for her Dementia.
Since being on this site, I find that when the husbands bring a parent to live in their home, they either feel or let the wife do for her in-law. Have you down this? It seems like our society still thinks caregiving is the womans job. Or, is it the opposite, you are spending all your time with Mom? Do Mom and wife get along? You and ur wife maybe need to sit down and find out how she feels. If Mom has the money, consider an Assisted or independent living place for Mom. If that can't be done than maybe Daycare or hiring someone to sit with her while you go out. Mom must have Social Security that you can use for this.
Whose idea was this, what discussions took place beforehand, and what are your mother's care needs?
Since your mom is now with you, she should be contributing to the household. That money can be used to buy additional services to help her. How about house cleaning? There isn't a woman I know that wouldn't gladly give up that job. (Imagine your wife's delight) . Does Mom need help showering, etc? Bring in a home health aide a few times a week to do that task. Who is accompanying your mom to medical appointments? Have you taken a turn? Caregiving is a LOT of WORK. Depending upon what help Mom needs, your wife may just be exhausted and need some help. Let us know more about the situation.
Also don't neglect your spouse or marriage for your mom. We are not guaranteed that our spouses will out live our elderly parents, or even live another day. As I care for my mom I try to make sure I don't totally ignore my husband. We are not promised another day. I don't want to ignore him because of what I'm going through as caregiver. He could be gone in an instant. It's very easy to let the urgency of caregiving cause you to neglect your life.
relationship with my in-laws and I felt used and unappreciated. Could this be what's going on with you? I highly resented having my personal space invaded by Sis. She rifled through my things and took what she wanted. My husband never expressed appreciation for my care of his sister, which included bathing her and helping her dress. Resentment ran rampant! When my children and grandchildren came along and we moved to a smaller home, I put. my foot down and said enough. Talk calmly and kindly to your wife and listen to her feelings about Mom. Your first obligation is to her and your marriage. Discuss options for other placement for Mom. Good luck!
It isn't easy caregiving and it takes more time than many are prepared to give.
Are you taking on 50%+ to take care of your mother? Or are you expecting your wife to do it all??
Since being on this site, I find that when the husbands bring a parent to live in their home, they either feel or let the wife do for her in-law. Have you down this? It seems like our society still thinks caregiving is the womans job. Or, is it the opposite, you are spending all your time with Mom? Do Mom and wife get along?
You and ur wife maybe need to sit down and find out how she feels. If Mom has the money, consider an Assisted or independent living place for Mom. If that can't be done than maybe Daycare or hiring someone to sit with her while you go out. Mom must have Social Security that you can use for this.
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