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We've had to start taking care of Mom who's 77 and diagnosed with multiple myeloma cancer. She was always sweet and caring. Never saw a nasty bone in her. Now she's mean and uncooperative. Says she can't do anything. Won't help us in any way when it comes to getting out of bed, on/off toilet, getting dressed, purposely uses the bathroom in her Depends instead of getting up to go to the toilet/bedside commode, becomes dead weight and says she can't. Gives us the "evil" eye and will cuss saying she doesn't give a s**t. My mom was never used bad language like this. Yet, the caregiver shows up the next day and Mom can transfer herself, goes to the toilet, doesn't poop he pants, gets into the shower with the light assistance of the caregiver. Cooperates and is cheerful. As soon as my sister arrives after work, she becomes nasty and uncooperative. Why?

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Have you talked to the caregiver about this? If you are reasonably close, it might help if you say to her that this is likely to lead to a carehome and the end of her job, if it doesn’t stop. If the carer finds it all hard to believe, get some evidence on your phone or a tape recorder, because M is going to deny it all. Carer can perhaps suggest how she might help herself. It’s just possible that this might help M to realise that this can’t go on, and that she will suffer the results herself. Tricky, but so are all the options.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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The fact that she is cooperative with her outside caregivers, but mean to you and your sister, proves she can control her behavior. I would tell her to straighten up or she is going to a nursing home. Nobody deserves to be abused.
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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She's likely very depressed and angry at her diagnosis and taking it out on her 2 healthy daughters who will go on living while she's dying. There's no big mystery here imo, she's acting out. She needs antidepressants and maybe some CBD gummies with THC to relax. Tell her you're both very sorry for her unfortunate diagnosis, but she'll have to start treating you as nicely as she does the hired help, or she's off to a SNF. What'll it be ma? Meds and common decency or a nursing home?
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Call in hospice for a consult. Also don’t plan on taking care of mom throughout this last illness. For everyone’s sake, there may come a time when she needs to go to a 24/7 care facility where professionals take care of her.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I would discuss this with the doctors. I seems very likely that there is some metastases to the brain if this is such a massive difference in personality. As a nurse I can tell you that these changes WITHOUT brain problems are unusual; generally we die as we lived unless the brain is in some way injured.

In general, depression, while appropriate to this diagnosis and to be expected, and while it may manifest as some form of anger, doesn't take this particular "face". This doesn't sound like/seem like depression to me, as a retired RN.

I am so very sorry. Your doctors know their patient much better than a Forum of strangers ever could. This is very sad. I wish your family best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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So to me it is clear that you and your sister need to step way back now and just allow more caregivers to come in and take on your moms care. You will hire more help with moms money of course which allows you and your sister to just be moms loving daughters and not her abused caregivers.
It will be a win win for all involved.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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There could be many reasons why she is now this way: has she been checked for a UTI? Infections in the elderly often only present with a neurological symptom, but can be tested for and treated.

Or, your Mom is old enough to actually have dementia, which is a progressive disease. If so, her behaviors will continue to change. She cannot help her behavior so now you and your sister are the only ones who can change. If she isn't on medication for agitation, why not? This would be merciful to her and also make your lives with her improved. How would you liked to be forced to live in a perpetually fowl mood? I wouldn't.

Or, she is depressed and angry at her diagnosis and how her life has turned out. Again meds may be the solution.

I'm so sorry for these circumstances. In the end no one can force you to be her caregiver, and you shouldn't do it out of guilt. Put yourself in her shoes, and do the best you can while keeping healthy boundaries so that you don't burn out. May you receive peace in your hearts as you journey with her.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Had this exact situation happen with my aunt and me. She was the nicest aunt before she got dementia.
Every time I tried to assist, she would yell, "leave me alone, you're making me sick." However, when the caregiver or her neighbor were around, she would be the nicest, cooperative person. She never listened to me. It was frustrating because I was often asked to visit her or stay with her, yet she paid me no mind and just wouldn't listen to me.
I finally sent her attorney a letter that I no longer wanted the POA and I just let her be. She said I was making her ill, but she was making me more ill.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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You may well have powdered butter syndrome, as in once someone has once powdered your butt, they don’t accept your opinions or help. Mom likely sees you and sister as her children, ones she cared for, and doesn’t want you in the role of providing care for her. It can be humiliating or embarrassing to her to have you see her in the present condition. Time to back off and let others provide the care, more home health, minus you and sister. Nobody should stick around for rudeness no matter the cause. Hire help with her money, and visit only as loving daughters.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Does it matter why? If she can control it, she can stop treating you like this. The alternative is that she no longer lives with you. If you tolerate it, it will get worse. Make that clear, even if you too have to use bad language.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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