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I don't want to do this. I am 20 and in college and feel that I am way too young for this. I have a (male) cousin (my uncle's son) who is around 40, who is also single and not tied down with a family, but has more life experience. I do not like dealing with other peoples' bodily functions. I am not close with this grandmother, she has never encouraged me, and has made put-downs in the past and told me not to aim high. Aside from the fact that I am not close with this grandmother, I just don't want to do this. Even if she were my favorite grandma, I do not want to get involved in her bathroom functions and bodily fluids and just feel grossed out. My other grandmother found out I said no to my uncle's request for the first grandmother and called me selfish and said that if a granddaughter loves her grandmother, she will help her with the bathroom. I don't want to speak to this second grandmother. It just feels like my boundaries have been violated. I have made it clear that I don't get involved in other peoples' bodily functions. Both grandparents have Medicaid, free home health aides, and other services. I am not necessary, and I will resent it if emotionally manipulated into helping them with bodily functions/bathroom stuff. I just can't look at either grandmother right now. I am okay with visiting them but not okay with helping them with personal care once they need it (they both have Medicaid, Medicare, and free Home Health Aides). The second grandmother said that I need to accept that I am a female and that caregiving is a woman's role. I feel like the second grandmother is anxious that I won't help her with bathroom functions when she gets older. And that is true. Bathroom help, bodily functions, and diapers are my non-negotiable boundary. I feel so grossed out by both grandmas right now, I can't even look at them. I feel like a parent has to get over diaper changing if he or she wants to have a baby, but I don't think a young girl in her 20s, who does not have children and has never changed a diaper, should be asked to do this for an obese and manipulative grandmother. Am I overreacting? Am I too sensitive to bodily functions? I've set this boundary, and I feel so violated along with the boundary. And I just feel like I shouldn't even be asked this question in the first place. I don't know if I should feel ashamed because I am disgusted by both grandmothers because of being asked to get involved with their bathroom functions. I just feel like I want to throw up, and I probably would, if I had to go to the bathroom with them. Is this normal? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to set a boundary of no adult diapers/bathroom/bodily functions, especially when they have free caregiving at home and at the hospital, there are trained staff to help with that sort of stuff. I am not even trained in bacteria, gloves, and pathogens. I don't want to be a caregiver.

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Politely tell the uncle that "sorry, but I can't do it. I am busy with school, and beside I can't take care of someone's bodily functions."

Practice saying this line over and over until you're comfortable saying it to him. Don't offer anything further. If he keeps pressing you, keep repeating the same line. Don't give him anything to fight you on.

No, you are not selfish. The uncle wants to foist this unpleasant job on the you because you're young and a woman, and he thinks he can bully you into it.
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You are completely right in sticking to your boundaries.

I am APPALLED by your second grandmother. She is wrong, wrong, wrong. This makes me teary, as a grandmother. You should NOT be out in this position.

Dear sweet girl, stick to your boundaries. I am repeating it so that you repeat it to yourself.

Sending you a HUGE hug.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Thank you for your kind words. It feels validating to hear the opinion of someone who is a grandmother. :-)
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Just say no. Don’t do it if you are uncomfortable with this.
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First I am very surprised that the hospital would permit anyone to stay with a patient at this time. And there is a liability issue, if something happened to you or grandma and they permitted someone untrained to assist it is a potential lawsuit in the making.
The hospital can and will provide a “sitter” if it is needed.
Staff aids or nurses are there over night to help patients to the bathroom or with any other help that is needed.
The fact that someone has said that it is expected that you take on this role because you are a woman is appalling.
Put on a stern face, look directly at Uncle and your grandma and say “No I am not going to be able to do that. It is not my responsibility”
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Will the hospital even allow this? Seems unlikely...

Anyway, just say no. Repeatedly if need be.

I'm assuming you're in the US because you say Medicaid and Medicare... but this sounds like some 3rd World hospital if they want/allow family members to stay to care for the patients.

Weird
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
To clarify, this was pre-Covid with the first grandmother. The second grandmother found out post-Covid. The hospital was a normal, state-of-the-art city hospital. Pre-Covid, they let family members stay overnight as guests or visitors. They have call buttons that people can use if they need help. My uncle probably just wanted someone there, but there are call buttons that could be used for help.
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First of all, you are not in any way selfish.

I would like to know more about your uncle. What makes him think that he can ask you to do this?

If my brothers would have asked my daughters to do these things with my mother, their grandmother, I would have been terribly upset. My daughters would have felt like you, even though they were close to my mom while growing up.

I had a hard enough time as my mom’s daughter to be her caregiver. I would never expect my daughters to do it.

You are a college student. These are your building years. Your job is going to school so you can support yourself in the future. That is your priority!

You said it yourself, you are not needed. Your grandmother is being cared for. If there is a shortage of staff at the hospital, your uncle can help his mom by paying for a private sitter. He has no business asking you to help!

Why would you be inclined to help a grandmother that isn’t supportive of you? As you say, even if you were close, it would still be hard to do.

Don’t do it. Don’t apologize for not wanting to. You don’t even owe an explanation.

If I am pressured. I say ‘no.’ If I am asked why, I don’t feel that I owe them an apology or an explanation so I will ignore them, close the door and never look back. I no longer waste my time with unreasonable, irrational people.

I suggest the same for you. I wish I had learned this lesson earlier in my life. It’s so worth it. You will be at peace.

Do not ever give up your independence. Plus, your feelings matter every bit as much as theirs.

You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make the most of it!

Your uncle does not have the right to tell you how, when, where and with whom to be charitable. That is entirely up to you and it will mean more to you because however you choose to volunteer your time, it will come from your heart.

Manipulation is not an acceptable way to solicit help. Tell your uncle to back off!
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Thank you for your supportive words. It was nice to get a perspective from a mother of daughters. I am not sure what made my uncle think he could ask me, but it may think it may be my father's inability to set good boundaries with his original nuclear (his parents and sibling). My uncle does a better job of protecting his own son and his own (distant) grandchild. I was surprised my father was okay with my uncle asking. The idea had to come from my uncle, not my father, because my father just told that uncle will be calling me with a request. I think that maybe having an older brother ask may have given it some sort of "gravitas" (as in the family is asking). Not sure though. I don't think my uncle would have been pleased if my father had called my cousin and asked him to help with toileting an elder (male or female).
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First thing I thought was, there are call buttons. If he needed just a sitter, he could have done it. Where are her other children?

I was 65 when my Mom came to live with me. Toileting was the worst. And my Mom and I are the same size. I definitely would not help an obese woman. Actually, I don't think the hospital would have allowed you. Like said it would have been a liability. And, you could have harmed yourself.

My daughter is a Nurse and she was helping her grandfather to the bathroom. As she placed him on the toilet he started to fall away from her towards the old porcelain tub. She grabbed for him and when she did she threw her back out. She went to a Chiropractor for months because she had pulled the back muscles so bad.

You did good. Learn now how to say "NO". Its a one word sentence.
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I am LIVID for you 🤬

Look that Uncle in the eye. Say "No. That is not something I will be doing". If there is any pushing, say "I said No. I will not be bullied by you. I will no longer discuss it".

I loved my Grandmothers very much. I never did bathroom duty for them (it never came up actually) but I have helped other relatives - at my choice!

That comment 'If you loved me... you'd do xyz' is emotional blackmail. Silly. Ignore that.
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CG, do your uncle and grandmothers come from another country?

In many less developed countries, and in many places in the "old days", families were and are expected to provide routine care in hospitals. That is no longer true in the US.

Point this out to uncle. Say no.

You have no reason to feel selfish or ashamed.
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Yes, you are overreacting.

You have just used 539 words where one will do.

"No."

Or three, if you want to be polite about it:

"No thank you."

Your uncle asked you if you would assist your grandmother. You are not close to her, you haven't the least aptitude for caregiving, and you don't want to. Fine.

Too sensitive to bodily functions... I don't know, but presumably you cope with your own, don't you? - despite your lack of training in bacteria, gloves and pathogens. In time you will doubtless discover that even other people's bodily functions are not so very terrifying up close, but you are twenty. There's no rush. One day you will be your second grandmother's age and by then you too will probably think that it's all been a gigantic fuss about nothing.
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JoAnn29 Mar 2021
I am 71 and I don't like others bodily functions.
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OK I've calmed down now 😶.

Uncle can ask, you can decline. Simple.

I just prickle up when I sense that someone is expected to do certain tasks just because they are female.

This may be a really good opportinity to discuss cultural, gender & age expectations with the Uncle & other members of the family in an adult to adult way.
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Your profile says you are your grandfather's caregiver? What does that mean?

We all know that in the hospital (pre-covid) that sometimes call buttons can't be answered immediately because of staffing shortages. THAT is probably why your uncle really wants you there. And of course, even with someone to tell the nursing station that a relative needs help, might not get that help there any quicker.

Still, it makes no difference here, really. You cannot go without your sleep to be your grandmother's sitter.

They have their eyes on you for their future caregiver. Even with Medicaid, they don't provide 24/7/365 help. Is your grandfather still married to one of these grandmothers?

Keep saying NO.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
All four of my grandparents are still alive, and my dad has this reverence for the elderly. So he thinks I should help all of them. I keep refusing, and he keeps guilting me. I am especially grossed out by the bathroom help request. Out of four grandparents, I was close to the paternal grandfather. That is really the only person I should even be considered to help. Growing up, I used to help paternal grandpa with things like eye drops, go to the eye doctor, spend time with him, provide emotional support, and putting on shoes, but I am not comfortable helping with personal care things. Being asked to help paternal grandma with her bodily functions, it's really hitting home for me, and I need to step out of this dynamic. My mom has never asked me to help her parents with bodily functions (she just asked me to visit once in a while). It was the maternal (second) grandmother who took this upon herself to call me selfish for not helping the paternal grandmother (I guess she wants to have caregivers lined up when she gets older). My mom doesn't know that her mom guilted and shamed me, her granddaughter, for not being willing to help out with the other grandmother's bodily functions when she's older (I guess she wants to have caregivers lined up and ready to go for the future, given that she only has one daughter). I don't know how I wound up helping the paternal grandfather as a kid, but as I am getting older, I am realizing I am too young to be involved in this, especially bodily functions and bathroom stuff. They all have free home health aides, Medicaid, and Medicare. Paternal grandparents have two grown sons. Maternal grandparents have a daughter. My paternal uncle asked my dad if he could ask me to help with paternal grandmother. While my dad is not asking me to help with stuff he doesn't do (I don't think my dad is a sexist), but I suspect my uncle has sexist views, because I don't see him asking my much older male cousin (his son) to spend the night and help my male paternal grandfather with the bathroom when he's in the hospital. While my uncle had volunteered me (his niece) to help, my dad has never volunteered my cousin (his nephew) to help. And I am slightly upset that my dad is unable to see the unfairness inherent in my uncle's request. I am my dad's daughter, not my uncle's. I honestly just feel stuck in this situation. I want to be a good daughter and a good granddaughter, but this whole caregiving thing does not feel right to me. I am too young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I am not ready to have children yet (still in school) and children are a long way off. My parents and uncle already have child diapering and child caregiving experience under their belt going into this elder care thing. I don't, and I want the first time I help someone to the bathroom or change a diaper to be my baby when I choose to have one. I don't see a way out of this elder care thing and just feel like I am being sucked in. They are not physically forcing me to, but I feel like I am being emotionally guilted and shamed into this. Growing up, it was nice to say that all of my grandparents were still alive. But honestly, and I hate to say this, having all grandparents alive is just becoming more of a burden, and I envy my friends whose grandparents have already died or live in different states. If being a part of the family means being a caregiver, I am fine with eventual estrangement. I want to enjoy my youth and push myself and my body to its fullest potential, academically, career-wise, and sports-wise, and I feel like if I am surrounded by decline and decay, it's hard to do that. It's not that I don't love my grandparents, but I am not willing to sacrifice my youth for them. My dad isn't asking me to drop out of school or the workforce, but wants me to make time to help them when not at school or work or in the area. My dad, uncle, grandparents never had to care for their grandparents. No grandparents caregave for their own parents.
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Say “no”.
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One of the hardest things I ever had to learn in this life is to say no to the people whom I care about.

One of the second hardest things I had to learn - and am still struggling with - is that I can say no without giving any reason or justification for my answer.

Even if you are being "oversensitive", so what? You were asked; you gave an answer. Any further discussion is, in my mind, nagging.

It always, always amazes me when I'm called "selfish" because I'm not doing something that someone else wants me to do, especially when it's the person who is asking me to do that thing calling me selfish.

Stick to your guns. Your grandparents are not your responsibility, in any way, shape or form.
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Your boundaries are yours, put in place to keep you feeling well and protected. It doesn’t matter if others don’t respect them or like them, they remain yours. Don’t feel like you need to justify your decisions. It’s a great part of being an adult, we don’t owe the world an explanation. I’m sure you can find other ways to be of help with your grandparents, something so small as bringing a few flowers, writing an encouraging note, making their favorite treat once in a while can go a long way in keeping a relationship and still respect your boundaries
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I agree with others who point out you have the ability to politely say "no".

That being said, as a parent of 3 sons who were asked to step up to help when both their grandma and stepgrandpa both had mental and physical health issues rather suddenly that we were struggling to solve while me and my husband were both working full-time in our business and 2 sons were in high school, college and the other working. I was careful to ask them to help in ways that they were able (like driving them to doc appointments, reprogramming their remote -- again -- taking them groceries, etc.) Their stepgrandpa had Parksinsons and was 6'5". One night he had diarrhea all over the bed and himself. My husband and eldest went over because it was a 2-man project to pick him up off the floor and clean him and the sheets, as my eldest son is very fit and strong. They both had to go to work in the morning and perform as usual. I'm sure he was completely grossed out (as was my husband), but we were so grateful for his help, as was his grandma. In this period of time of helping their grandparents my sons grew in understanding, wisdom and compassion. Life is messy and very imperfect. We don't control it (although we live as if we do). This time in our lives came very suddenly and it was all-hands-on-deck to help them, just like we'd hope others would muster to help us in emergencies until there was a more permanent and appropriate solution.

It is very possible they asked you to help because you are female and it is a cultural norm. But also maybe because you're a student and they reasoned that your schedule is more flexible. A working adult may have had to request time off, and loses money or PTO to do what you did. You have less to lose than they (although it doesn't feel like that to you).

Also, as a woman, do want a guy to help you with your toileting? I sure don't. Please remember that you're 20 now but someday you may be 80 and in need of help in a pinch. In the vast scheme of things this wasn't the boundary busting horror you are working it into. You can say "no" but consider telling your family what you ARE willing and able to contribute. You will be blessed as you bless others. May you gain much wisdom throughout this period in your young life.
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notgoodenough Mar 2021
Sorry, Geaton, but I have to respectfully disagree.

While it was wonderful of your son to help out, there are some vast differences from the story you describe to the situation the OP is talking about here. Your son willingly volunteered to help. Once. It was an extremely kind thing of him to do for both grandparent and you and your husband. But did you browbeat your children into helping every day, multiple times, for something that they flat out told you they weren't willing to do? That's the situation the OP is describing here. And the fact that she should step up to help because she's a student with a possibly flexible schedule? That's the same thing as telling a DIL that she should step up and be MIL/FIL caregiver because she "only" has a part time job or she's "only" a stay at home mom with a "flexible schedule". We would jump to the defense of DIL who posted that; why do we not give the same defense to a 20 year old?

And I'm very sorry, but the "being blessed as you bless others" sounds like kind of a cheap shot to make someone feel guilty. I'm sure you didn't mean it as such, but that's kind of how it came across to me.
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If the entire family had ganged up on you, forced you out of school and ordered you to be an unpaid homebound caregiver for the rest of your natural life, your reaction would be in proportion. They haven't, and it isn't.

*Violated*? Violated??? You don't know you're born. I meet child carers - we're talking 10 to 18 year olds - whose family members have diseases like MS and motor neurone disease and alcoholism and depression and who have known nothing different in their young lives from caring responsibilities - whether that's cooking for younger children or changing their parent's continence pads. On the forum, we frequently welcome new members who have been bullied for years, decades, into believing their lives should be sacrificed to caregiving and have no idea there could be any alternative.

Your uncle made a not unreasonable request which you have been entirely free to decline, and you have declined it. I'd never call a refusal selfish but your reaction to even being asked is precious, to say the least.

Never mind, I'm sure they'll know better than to ask you another time.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
When the uncle was told 'NO' that should have been the end of it, but it wasn't.
Why isn't he doing this for his mother himself? Or making another plan for her care like paying an overnight sitter for his mother? Hospitals have this kind of staff too.
Could be any number of reasons offered like he has to work, he doesn't live in the area, he's got a family of his own he has to take care of, etc... there are so many reasons one could use.
The bottom line is CaregiverItis is the most convenient choice for everyone. The uncle and everyone else ganging up on a 20-year old college kid believe their lives are more important than hers and they shouldn't be disrupted. Not true.
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I agree your to young for all that. Ask him to contact a Social Worker that's in the hospital. I'm not sure why the nurses are not doing this. This is there responsibility or hire a caregiver to come in and assist. Go live your life but make sure you don't forget about grandma and go visit her she's still your family and its your dad's mom. Remember, always try to assist in some way. It's ok help in another way. I agree with you that's a little to much for you.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
It's like that's the problem. I am okay with visiting the paternal grandparents or spending time with them as a granddaughter. I am not sure if my father is projecting his adult caregiving responsibilities on me, but he is not okay with me just visiting. He thinks that having a relationship with the grandparents involves both regular visits and "caregiving tasks." "Caregiver" and "granddaughter" is so enmeshed my father is resistant to me delineating the two. He doesn't even like the term "caregiver." He calls a caregiving granddaughter a simple granddaughter doing what is expected of her. He calls a caregiving adult son (him) a simple son doing what is expected of him. I have always voluntarily helped the grandparents at family events without being asked (again, no toileting was required of me) and spent time with them and made them feel included and welcomed, but on my birthday family celebration events, I was always exempt from grandparent caregiving duties. I would be expected to greet each guest, including the grandparents, but I would be nearer the younger people during the event. And the grandparents managed on their own (my father or my uncle just gave them a ride). Pre-Covid, I wanted to host a family event to celebrate my birthday, and my father said I had to agree to take care of the paternal grandparents during the whole event because he "didn't feel like dealing with it." It's like he's trying to make a point after my attempt to set caregiving boundaries that's really causing me to resent him and his parents. And, I didn't realize that by trying to be a caring and kind granddaughter by helping grandparents at family events made this became my responsibility and I became their "babysitter," while my father, uncle, cousin, and siblings can enjoy themselves, move about freely, and focus on their dates if they choose to bring someone. I wouldn't even be able to bring a date because I would be expected to focus on the grandparents, so no point in even bringing someone. I just feel frustrated with my father and my uncle- how do we go from spending time with the grandparents to going to the bathroom with the grandparents? I just want to be a granddaughter. I don't mind helping with some non-personal care/non-bathroom tasks, but it seems like my father and my uncle want the whole caregiving package and are afraid if they let me off with the bathroom boundary, I'll start to refuse doing some of the other tasks, and eventually will abandon them. I've told my father multiple times that I would like to help but have my limitations respected, and he says I should be willing to do anything for the grandparents as needed so I can be in the flexible, versatile caregiver rotation with him and the other "adults" (I wouldn't really call myself a full-fledged adult even though I am over 18), but my actual adult cousin and siblings are not being asked to contribute. Covid has put a stop to family events. I am not sure how to convince my father that my "refusal" or "rejecting" of "bathroom help" or "personal hygiene help" does not mean a rejection of the grandparents as people. This is causing a lot of strain and arguments in my relationship with my parents (particularly my father).
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You are also only 20 and personally I feel it wrong you should be asked to do this. If you were in your grandma's position - perhaps following and accident would you want to hear that people were too grossed out to help you, you would have to bleed to death because those who were present didn't like blood, or you would have to sit in your own faeces because it grossed everyone out to help you wipe your arse. I don't think this should fall on you, it should be left to the nursing staff at the hospital - maybe you stay to keep her company but you don't run around after the staff doing their job- the staying bit is up to you. But your concentration on a short period of time being sooo unpleasant you will never recover, and your self centred view of what is a very undignified and distressing situation for your grandma certainly makes you a young madam who needs to realise we all grow old and need assistance and one day it will be you. You think nursing staff enjoy all the things they have to do, or like all the patients they come across
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
TaylorUK, why would the grandmother be sitting in her own urine and feces in a hospital? They have legions of staff whose job it it to take care of this kind of patient need and every other kind too.
The family who is trying to guilt, shame, and intimidate CaregiverItis into taking this on don't want to do it themselves. That is why they're trying to shake her down to do it.
Before telling her to 'get out of her ivory tower' maybe you should climb down off your Cross.
How many elderly strangers are you cleaning up in the bathroom for free out of the kindness of your heart? How many homeless mentally ill drug addicts do you have living in your house because they have nowhere to go? I'm pretty sure the answer to both is none because it's unrealistic. This girl's top priority at her age has to be college because it is what will determine her future and ability to provide for herself. The adult family members can work out grandma's care and not try to saddle it on a 20-year old college kid who doesn't want to do it.
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Say no. You are not overreaching and selfish. Your grandparents are not responsibility. Be polite and firmly say no.
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This poster should not be attacked because she doesn’t want to help her grandmother with toileting. Hands on care is not for everyone.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
Bridger46164. You are right. Toileting a person really isn't for anyone. No one wants to do it. Even people who get paid to. It's part of the job when you're in professional care so we do it.
She told the family no and they need to accept it and among themselves figure out how to get the grandmother's care done.
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You are absolutely not being selfish. Your grandmother is in a hospital. It's their job to make sure a CNA helps grandma to the bathroom when she needs to go. I'm sure the hospital is getting paid a fortune for her stay. You're not a nurse, or CNA, or medical assistant, or an orderly. The hospital has an abundant supply of this type of staff and it's their job to make sure she gets to the bathroom at night while she's a patient in the hospital that employs them.
It is absolutely ridiculous that your family would even ask such a thing of you regardless of your age.
Don't let yourself have any guilt or shame about refusing to stay overnight in a hospital (which I'm surprised they allow with Covid going on) to be caregiver to a person you don't have a close relationship with to begin with. You've told your family 'NO' and let that be the end of it.
No one in the family wants to take on overnight bathroom duty with grandma themselves, so they're trying to guilt, shame, and intimidate you into doing it. What do your parents think and why aren't they on overnight a**-wiping duty in the hospital for grandma? She is actually the mother of one of them.
You're in college and that has to be the number one priority in your life before anything and anyone else because it's for your future. Let the older adults in your family figure out what grandma's care plan is going to be. If you want to help with her you can. There are other useful things you can help with that don't involve personal hygiene. If this isn't enough for your family then too bad. Finishing your education is more important than grandma's care.
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notgoodenough Mar 2021
And, if the OP agrees now, what does everyone think will happen once grandma is about to be released from the hospital, and the SW asks "do you have home care aid set up for her in regards to going to the bathroom?" Of course, they'll say "well, yeah, OP has been doing it here in the hospital; she can continue once grandma is home". We've seen story after story here about caregivers who get pulled into their situation by doing things for "just a little while", and it then becomes a full-time job.
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Please ignore anyone on this forum or elsewhere that is trying to lay a heavy ‘guilt trip’ on you!

You are her granddaughter. You aren’t your grandmother’s nurse.
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Your boundaries are yours. I think it is great that you are setting them up now. So many people don’t and then have to deal with trying to do it later. Stay strong and say no if you are uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with others bodily functions too!
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The last thing you need is judgment from this site.

You are still a kid in many ways. I know that at 20, I could NOT have changed my grandmother's diapers.

By age 40, yep, I'd have dived right in there. And did.

The difference is 5 babies and having a level of maturity that only time can bring.

Cleaned up after FIL when he'd have blowouts and DH was busy barfing his guts out in the 2nd bathroom. Yep, it was gross, but I'd glove up and do my best.

At 20, you still have a lot of growing up to do. Currently, this is not something you're capable of doing. Say "no, I can't do this" and walk away. And people will try to guilt you, but there's nothing to be guilty ABOUT.
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The hospital staff is there to help the patient in the bathroom. Period. Which is part of what the ridiculously high rates are being charged for. Grandma pushes her Call button, asks for help toileting, and that's the end of that.
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Just tell Uncle that you are sorry but you cannot possibly do that.
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Echoing everyone else here... no, you are not being selfish or a bad granddaughter. It is your family that is uncaring. Funny how you're fussed at for not wanting to do this, but they're not willing to step up themselves. And if she's in a hospital, there is staff to do that. It's odd of them to even ask you, really.

Your boundaries were indeed violated and really, they're flat out insulting you. It implies that your time and work is much less valuable than theirs. Since you're young, single and no kids, it's assumed you have all the time in the world for whatever they want you to do. When you refuse, they respond with what a selfish, uncaring person you are!

The other grandma can say what she wants. Like you said, she's making you feel bad because she expects you to step in for her when she needs it. As for being a bad granddaughter, they should understand that a good grandmother doesn't treat her granddaughter terribly and then expect devotion and love when she's shown very little to you. She's had 20 years to be a loving grandma to you, and she chose not to be.

Could even frame it as "Well, I don't think grandma likes having me around and I'd hate to upset her."
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The ones being selfish here are your family members. Next time your grandmother calls you selfish tell her "I am not being selfish. I am setting a boundary and I refused to be bullied into doing something that makes me uncomfortable and physically ill. You are the selfish one for expecting me to want to do this".

Toileting is where I draw the line and I am 53. The last few holidays I had my father over I was shocked when he expected/needed my help in the bathroom. The problem was, it was now a two-man job. Someone had to hold/keep him steady while another person took down his pants. I felt awful asking my 25 year old son to do the steadying part while I was mortified doing what I had to do. By 2020 I realized that having my father over for the holiday may be off the table due to this. Covid delayed me having to make that choice at Easter.

Some people can do this without batting an eye...I'm not one of those people and neither are you. Nothing wrong with that.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
If I may ask, how did your 25-year-old son react or deal with helping the grandfather?
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CG, it would be a different "ask" if Uncle was suggesting that you stay with GM overnight as her advocate, i.e., to ring the bell for her and go in search of an aide if none arrived in a timely fashion.

Elderly folks don't do well in hospitals on their own, but I would never have asked my children to miss school or work to provide this sort of service. Wouldn't even occur to me

Which is why I ask if your family comes from a different culture.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Even by our culture, this is not acceptable, as I've checked with some of my female friends, and they have never been asked to do this for their grandparents. It's expected that both the wife and husband work, but the wife does most of the housework. But when it comes to caregiving: 1. People didn't live that long and past 60 was considered old 2. At city hospitals, no visitors/family were allowed overnight, visitation rules were very strict, and healthcare was free 3. Older people were not sedentary, home health aides and private nurses unheard of, and elders would typically take care of themselves, do shopping, walk, climb stairs (albeit slower) until the end because families could not afford to hire someone or to not work or not go to school. An older teenaged (male) grandchild might be expected to help grandma carry groceries up the stairs, or maybe move heavy household equipment 4. My siblings and I grew up in the States, but in Russia, usually the grandparents would take of the household while the adult children were at work, which kept grandparents motivated and active. Unless a catastrophic accident occurs, elders wanting to lie around all day, eat, watch TV, be taken to 8 grocery stores, have their meals brought and served to them was unheard of. 5. My siblings and I lived only with our parents. The grandparents lived in separate homes but nearby. Our parents raised us and did the diapering/cooking/housework. Our grandparents were not our surrogate parents, as my parents provided for us and made sure our basic needs were met. I am very blindsided by this whole thing. 4. Usually, the adult children (parents) take care of the grandparents. Grandchildren only take care of grandparents if their parents died and the grandparents became the adoptive parents (very common post-World War II, but that was not the case with our family as all four grandparents had surviving parents and would only visit their grandparents in the villages once in a while in the summers). Adult children would try to spare grandchildren the grim aspects of life as schooling and career is considered very important for the family. 5. Our family is well-educated, from Yekaterinburg, and not from a religious community. In a lot of Russian-American communities, low-income elders have more than enough home health aide hours, outpatient nurse visits, and even use home health aides as taxi transportation to the bank or to the grandchildren's house to visit (more than enough benefits). My second grandmother (the one who told me I was selfish for not taking the first grandmother to the bathroom in a hospital) recently asked for less home health aide hours because they could not find stuff for them to do. (And she doesn't like the way the home health aide cooks, uses the vacuum, and folds the laundry). With Medicaid, they have free rides to the doctor's office and back. The grandkids aren't even necessary, IMO.
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