My stepfather keeps insurance on my mother but refuses to pay any out-of-pocket costs related to her care. What can we do?

What your stepfather is doing (or not doing) constitutes abuse and neglect. The 7 year old is the daughter of one of your sisters? If it is discovered that your sister knew her daughter was being left alone with your mother, who obviously cannot care for her granddaughter, your sister could be charged with neglect as well and could face jail time. Someone needs to get your mother and your niece out of this situation. It is an extremely unhealthy situation for both your mother and especially your niece. Your stepfather has already proven that he does not care or want to be bothered. Get them out now before something tragic happens.

Who’s house is it and who lives there with mother and step-turd?

I don't know what you mean by "keeps insurance".
Seven year old Neice? No. Is he totally well himself? Because this would not be OK under child welfare law.
I cannot imagine that he is perfectly well. This isn't good thinking even minimally.
I think you will eventually have to intervene in her behalf and she will need to go to care. What family members are right there for you? You said "we". Who is the we of it? Very worried for you.

I'm just not sure how yo go about doing that. My mother would be better cared for in a nursing facility but she refuses to go to one. I rent a room so I can't take her in and I work full time. My sister that lives at home with my mother can't quit her job. I have two other sisters...one does as much as she can but has grandchildren that she takes care of and the other flat out refuses to do anything. I'm at my wit's end with all of this. I just don't know what to do.

You are going to have to put your mother’s needs before her wants. If you all are unable to take care of her, she needs to be placed in a facility. Your step father cannot take care of her on his own nor should he be expected to. She needs a village now so it’s time to either place her or pay for caregivers.

Rhonda, your profile says your mom is only 68 but has age related decline?? She is actually quite young to be bedridden. What does is her diagnosis from her doctor? Does the dr know she is bedridden? This is a very bad situation as you as finding out, probably worse than you can face alone. Get her physician involved, and let them know she’s being left alone. If you think she has a uti either get her to the doctor or call 911

I recommend contacting APS and filing a senior abuse report. He is the one that is legally responsible for her. He is probably angry that this is his life, no one expects to be married to an invalid at such a young age, it can create some awful feelings. No judgment, it is a normal response for a healthy active human to not want to be tied to their house.

Your mom should be spending her money on her needs, that's what it is for.

I think that she needs to realize that no one can effectively care for a bedridden paralyzed human. I think it is selfish to refuse to do something she doesn't want yet puts her children in a position to do things they shouldn't have to and maybe don't want to. If everyone refuses to prop her up she will have to do something different. Nobody wants to go to a facility, but sometimes it is the best thing for everyone.

I really would get the authorities involved and get her the professional help she needs.

Leaving any 7 year old alone in this circumstance is improper supervision of a minor. Clearly the stepfather is not appropriately supervising the grandchild, and if the parents are aware and continue to allow such situations/visits to happen, then I would mandatorily refer to CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES.

Your stepfather needs to be referred to ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES, and their resources need to be divided. If disability or retirement benefits are involved, an adult child (YOU) may report this issue to Social Security and apply to be the custodian of her benefits, to ensure her personal needs are being met, if her husband refuses to.

A spouse has a duty of care and support. I don’t know what their joint financial situation is, but basic care needs must be met, and in such a way that no one is endangered...even if credit cards and other bills cannot be met.

I would try to discuss their joint finances with them TOGETHER. And if a child is not being properly supervised at all times, that child’s parents have some childcare decisions they need to make.

He 'keeps insurance' on her? She's probably getting Medicare and that is not by his doing, it's the insurance people are entitled to after a life of working. He's no prince to 'allow' what is legally hers to continue. And her SS should be put in HER name and used for HER care.

If she is unwillingly to move, despite to obvious lack of proper care and she is of sound mind--there's not a lot you can do. My mother REALLY needs some help from some kind of home health care agency. She refuses it b/c YB keeps her hostage at home--she complains about being locked in the house (she actually does get out a bit) but when we tried to HELP her, she immediately backed off and said she was fine. There is NOTHING we can do in her situation.

Your situation is one of pure safety--a 7 yo taking care of grandma? Not safe nor legal. Call CPS and APS and see what you can possibly 'force' as a change. If dad is aware he's being watched, he might do a little better job.

Wow--68 is YOUNG to be so impaired. That is very, very sad.

I trust that your stepfather is at least not charging your youngest sister rent?

If your mother is of sound mind and refuses to go to a facility, not you nor anyone else, including APS, can force her. But perhaps your youngest sister can force the issue, by leaving.

Your stepfather is, after all, not likely to take over your mother's care: try giving him a choice between doing it himself, or paying for professional care services.

Is your younger sister going to be able to take this approach? It sounds as though you have all found stepfather a trying person to deal with.

I'm just mulling over the thought of a seven year old alone in a house with a person whose mobility is so impaired. Well, that in itself needn't be a problem - there are plenty of disabled parents, and nobody would think of taking their children away from them just for that reason alone. But how would you describe your mother's ability to function, aside from her physical disability? Is she able to direct the normal activities that go into what a seven year old needs?

What happens with your mother's continence care when she is left without adult support? How long is she on her own? - not counting the niece, that is, and the niece had *better* not be counted on for this kind of help - are you confident that she is not?

Rhonda I am sorry that your mom thinks that she can imprison her children because of her choices.

You all have the right to stop propping her up. No guilt, her choices have led to this situation and she doesn't get to abuse any of you because she is mad that she is where she chose to be.

It will be hard to say no and watch the fallout, but easier than giving her and her anger a couple decades of your life. Don't fall for any manipulation or woes is me nonsense. She needs to be in a facility and you guys need to be her daughters and advocates.

How do you think that all of this is affecting your 7 year old niece? Bitter, angry grandmother and mom falling apart because of all the stress? If you all can't face your moms wrath, please do it for that little girl.

I admit, I had to read this twice to make sure I was processing this right. I do believe the Law would like to have a word with your stepfather about his rights to his wife's medical care. Not paying for any out-of-pocket expense that is necessary could be defined as physical abuse. Knowingly allowing a 7 year-old child to tend to a bedridden woman is physical and mental abuse - what if there were a fire? I would get the courts to assign a conservatorship on your mother quickly. If money is an issue, see what legal aid can do, or call the state Bar association to see who does Pro Bono work if Adult Protective Services can't help. If money is not an issue - get a lawyer, draw up POA and Medical POA to be in charge of her and her assets and keep from being blocked from seeing her or having a voice in her medical issues.
If Mom is functioning mentally, she has to realize the risk being played with her life and it needs to be spelled out who is best to take care of her. Not saying take her to a facility, but get qualified help. And time isn't always on your side. I'd do it, either state involvement or a lawyer as soon as you can.

But WHO is taking care of the child while mom works? I had not heard that a seven year old Child is considered to be self sufficient whether they can get around quite nicely or not.

As for mom: there are paraplegics that are mobile if there homes are modified and they have functional wheelchairs. Anything would be better than lieing helpless in your own urine waiting for an adult to assist you. If she goes into a home at this age, just think about how long she is looking at being in an institution!

As for your sister (and yourself while you were there) two can play his silly, selfish game you know...caretaking is a marketable career choice for some. If he insists on charging her rent, she should submit a bill for the hours she puts in taking care of your mom, including middle of night duty if she is the one who has to wake up to provide care. Find out how much in home care runs in your area and the bill should reflect that amount.

Not only bill him for physical care but for time spent taking mom to and from drs apptments, for managing, ordering and organizing medications. For special trips to store specifically for moms needs, etc.

You get my drift I’m sure. It won’t lead to a happy household I’m sure, but you hopefully will make your point.

When he presumes to demand that it is your responsibility as a daughter remind him of his wedding vows “in sickness as in death “

Sorry you have to deal with this. Watching a parent grow old is bad enough, and having a literal battlefield to wade through is just mean.

Charlotte

You could try to step in and obtain Guardianship.
If your mother can not make decision regarding her proper care and your step father is not providing proper care I would think obtaining guardianship would not be a problem.
Adult Protective Services as well as Child Protective Services could be called in. A child of that age should not be left to care for someone. (I know there is nothing about direct hands on care in the profile but the possibility exists since we have no idea how long the child is there by herself)
And a child of that age can not be left "unattended" (I know the adult is there but if the adult in charge is "bedridden" can the adult aid the child? keep the child out of trouble? defend the child in an emergency? properly supervise the child?)

If you do obtain guardianship your mother may have no choice but to go to a facility.
And the cost of the guardianship would be borne by your mother not you.

Rhonda, if you do nothing else, tell your sister to join us here on AgingCare. I'm appalled by the situation you describe, but she wouldn't be the first person to have felt liberated by the support these brilliant people have to give.

Sister is also responsible for her child and should not be leaving her alone with bedridden grandmother.
First, child and your sister have to get out of there. Your sister is at risk of losing custody of her child. The first priority is to get that child out of there.
Next you have to turn to social services if step father does not provide for his wife's care. You have to get your mother out of there.
It is going to be hard to do, but if you do nothing, things will get worse.

Rhonda, it's not your responsibility to pay your mother's bills. If has insurance on her, it's his duty to pay the out of pocket care. If she doesn't get the proper care, I hate to say it, but report him!!!