I am with Leolonnie 1 on this one. It is your home as well and caregiving is difficult as is and living in those conditions as I assume not ideal it must be hard and dangerous even.
My parents were hoarders in the worst way. They were in Delaware and there was no hoarding task force. I got social services involved and all they could do was enforce a three foot path through the house.
it is very difficult to deal with this issue and dementia must make it more complicated.
Do you have any family who can take her in so you can do a clean out? This would be less upsetting than going to a facility.
look into resources in your state and do call the fire department. Ours was worthless because they wouldn't reinspect but yours may do a better job following up if the hoarding is a fire hazard
Dear Bill, you have to keep in mind that YOU live in the house too; it's not 'just' your wife's wishes that matter; yours do as well! When hoarding is involved, the non-hoarder is always the one to suffer and only the hoarder's wishes seem to matter! Have you ever noticed that? Well I just wanted to say that your wishes matter too. Yes, your wife will be pissed off but in the end, you both deserve to live in a clean, clutter-free and safe home where you can breathe and move around without running into 'stuff' everywhere. Even if the things you get rid of have value to them b/c they're new, donate those things to a worthy cause and allow less fortunate people to enjoy them. That's a win-win for all concerned.
Secondly, if things go well in the facility you choose for respite for your wife, consider leaving her there long term if/when the time comes that her care becomes unmanageable for you at home. And/or consider placing her there on a regular basis for respite every so often so YOU can have a vacation from caregiving b/c it's too much for you to do 24/7 on an ongoing basis. YOU deserve a break on a regular basis.
Respite is my next hurdle to send her away seems like a drastic action but let me deal with hurding and legal thanks for the meaningful words in ur answer
Thank you all!!! Foods are not the issue it is everything else. My concern is some of the stuff is new and might have value but to save is not cleaning. I will have to deal with that. But I thank you all since it is like getting permission to do the right thing. She will be angry and pissed but I need to move to make the right life decisions now
Yeah, just throw out even new stuff unless you really need it imho. Unopened junk is still junk, so unless its really valuable, out it goes. If you can afford it hire professionals to clean it out.
I have a sibling who deals with hoarding. We’ve done the huge clean out twice. Your situation is different with dementia involved. You must act in your wife’s best interests as she can no longer do so for herself. She needs a clean, safe place to live, and it’s up to you to provide it. If you think that can still be in your home, arrange for her to be away and have it cleaned out, no apologies or explaining. If she’s not safe there no matter what, it’s time for her to move to a place with professional caregivers and you to clean the home and continue there. I’m sorry it’s all so out of control, I know how overwhelming it seems. I wish you the best in making a clean environment for you in any case, you matter too
My first thought, like Brooklyn, was put her in respite care. Find an Assisted Living that will take her for a week or two. It will be private pay but worth it. Then the house is yours. Kitchen first. Throw out old food. My MIL would go shopping before anyone visited and buy things she thought we would eat. Found lots of expired snacks still in the boxes. A 2 yr old Pork Roast in the freezer and Bagels in the frig from our last visit in Nov and this was the next Nov. I got rid of all the bread and rolls outdated in the frig. No, she was not happy but then was glad when she had room in there for her leftovers.
Go thru and get anything that you consider trash. Now, all you have is stuff you want to keep or give away. Get the give away stuff together and donate it to thrift stores. Churches for future yard sales. And like said, don't allow her to hoard again you can get rid of stuff while she is sleeping.
You may find she does well in respite care. If so, if you can afford it, leave her there. Make sure you see an elder lawyer about splitting assets so all your money does not go for just her care.
BarbBrooklyn is right. Put her in respite care while the house is being cleaned out. Please don't make the mistake so many caregivers do when it comes to providing care for someone with dementia. The caregiver is the one in control not the person with dementia being cared for. Do not allow them to make any decision other than what they may want for lunch. Your wife has dementia. You are in charge. Get the house cleaned. If she throws a tantrum over it, let her. You do not have to live in hoarded filth and squalor. That is absolutely disgusting and unhealthy for you both. You could start throwing away rotting food and garbage after you have put her to bed for the night. Ask the doctor for a sleeping medication and dose her with it early in the evening so you can get some of this done. It's a small but at least getting the rotting garbage out is a start. My mother is a hoarder though not one who saves spoiled food and rotting garbage. Everything else though. She started needing some help physically and financially and wanted me to move back after my divorce. I agreed, but with the condition that I will not live in a messy house let alone one that is hoarded. So, when she's go to bed at night I just started throwing out bag after bag of junk. Useless things and papers that she had to "save". She doesn't even know that I filled a small dumpster with this crap. I rented one and it was parked at my neighbor's house. For a week at night, bag after bag of junk and papers got thrown in that dumpster from all over the house. She didn't even notice. Then it was throwing bags of crap out with the regular trash. She never even noticed. She's convinced herself that she's always kept the house well. I don't correct her it's not worth a fight. Just go ahead and start doing it. Your wife won't even notice. If she does and thwos a tantrum over it, she had dementia and will forget about it.
Sad to say, this is mental illness. Once you recognize that, it’s up to you to report it to her doctor and the doctor will help you. In the meantime, you could quietly remove some things, particularly spoiled food, moldy items and so on, if there are any. It isn’t healthful for either of you to live in that sort of condition. Since she has dementia, she may not even notice and if she does, she may not remember afterward. Also it is time to find a care facility for her. This is not normal and you need help from others as you take charge of the situation.
It is your home as well and caregiving is difficult as is and living in those conditions as I assume not ideal it must be hard and dangerous even.
it is very difficult to deal with this issue and dementia must make it more complicated.
Do you have any family who can take her in so you can do a clean out? This would be less upsetting than going to a facility.
look into resources in your state and do call the fire department. Ours was worthless because they wouldn't reinspect but yours may do a better job following up if the hoarding is a fire hazard
Secondly, if things go well in the facility you choose for respite for your wife, consider leaving her there long term if/when the time comes that her care becomes unmanageable for you at home. And/or consider placing her there on a regular basis for respite every so often so YOU can have a vacation from caregiving b/c it's too much for you to do 24/7 on an ongoing basis. YOU deserve a break on a regular basis.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything.
thanks for the meaningful words in ur answer
Go thru and get anything that you consider trash. Now, all you have is stuff you want to keep or give away. Get the give away stuff together and donate it to thrift stores. Churches for future yard sales. And like said, don't allow her to hoard again you can get rid of stuff while she is sleeping.
You may find she does well in respite care. If so, if you can afford it, leave her there. Make sure you see an elder lawyer about splitting assets so all your money does not go for just her care.
Please don't make the mistake so many caregivers do when it comes to providing care for someone with dementia.
The caregiver is the one in control not the person with dementia being cared for. Do not allow them to make any decision other than what they may want for lunch. Your wife has dementia. You are in charge. Get the house cleaned. If she throws a tantrum over it, let her. You do not have to live in hoarded filth and squalor. That is absolutely disgusting and unhealthy for you both.
You could start throwing away rotting food and garbage after you have put her to bed for the night. Ask the doctor for a sleeping medication and dose her with it early in the evening so you can get some of this done. It's a small but at least getting the rotting garbage out is a start.
My mother is a hoarder though not one who saves spoiled food and rotting garbage. Everything else though. She started needing some help physically and financially and wanted me to move back after my divorce. I agreed, but with the condition that I will not live in a messy house let alone one that is hoarded. So, when she's go to bed at night I just started throwing out bag after bag of junk. Useless things and papers that she had to "save". She doesn't even know that I filled a small dumpster with this crap. I rented one and it was parked at my neighbor's house. For a week at night, bag after bag of junk and papers got thrown in that dumpster from all over the house. She didn't even notice. Then it was throwing bags of crap out with the regular trash. She never even noticed. She's convinced herself that she's always kept the house well. I don't correct her it's not worth a fight.
Just go ahead and start doing it. Your wife won't even notice. If she does and thwos a tantrum over it, she had dementia and will forget about it.