My son says I am in denial about how "bad" my grandmother is, how do I know when to place her?

You have a son who has given eight of the best years of his life to supporting you in supporting his great grandmother. If this sterling young man is telling you that enough is enough, given his track record of service and dedication, I think you should listen to him. At least look at what options are available, keeping an open mind while focusing on what is REALLY best for your grandmother's physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. I don't doubt that he is putting her first and thinking of her best interests - do you?

Have you looked at the facilities available?? Your statement that you can't leave her in a room alone is telling. Are there services you can use to get a break??
Best wishes on this tough decision and bless you and your family for caring for your loved one.

How do you know when it is time? When you ask yourself if it is time.
What plans are in place for you after grandma is placed? Are you concerned about where you will live?

It sounds to me like it is time. You need to take care of yourself and get back to your job. FMLA will not last much longer and you probably need all of that time to make arrangements for grandma.

Apply for Medicaid - get her into a nursing home. Visit her and love her - but get back to work to save for your own retirement.

Im so sorry that you are facing this diffucult decision. You have always been a super woman, single mom raising 2 children, helping mom, helping and paying for grandma. This is why this is so hard, you've always made things work out by working hard and sacrificing. From all you describe you know the answer and your son has helped you also.

I had to place my dad, we did not have a loving relationship, yet I bawled like a baby and felt guilt ridden for being the one to make that decision. I know how hurt your heart must be having to let go of grandma and let others provide her care. Hugs!!! She needs a village at this stage of her life, you be the one that loves her and visits with special treats, let others do the dirty work. You are not abandoning her, you are giving her the gift of the best care possible.

See an elder law, Medicaid knowledgeable attorney to find out if you must forfeit the house. If you've been paying for many years maybe an Attorney can help you keep it. Do this before applying for aid. It will cost some money but, if you get to keep your home it is money well spent and they can help you navigate the application process.

I know this will be a challenge and want to encourage you to use this website to vent, rant, ask questions or just to know you are not alone. Love and hugs 2 u and family.

Ps: you have obviously been a tremendous mom, to raise a son with so much care and compassion. Great job!

I agree with the others...you and your son are amazing! You don't have to feel guilty about finding grandma a place where she will have appropriate care. You do need to have time to take care of yourself, plan for your own retirement, be active in your son's lives, and visit Grandma. It will still take quite a bit of your time to make sure grandma is taken care of so you will still be involved.

I don't think it's ever an easy decision, and certainly one wrought with guilt for so many. But if you can't leave her alone, then that's at least part of your answer. It's a job in itself to keep help scheduled to come in, and then paying for it can break the bank. It certainly doesn't hurt to look at your options, and in so doing, you may find it easier to decide.

I want to thank all of you for your resonses. Its actually quite amazing how helpful it is to know there are people somewhere hearing me. I have been blessed with an ( 2) wonderful young men. No idea what I would do without them.

Thankfully years ago, when I gave up myhome grandma addeded my name to the deed of the house. Then not long ago when she removed her name. So the house is soley mine. This will be a large problem with my sister, but it was grandmas choice. she refuses a will but as desginate what my sister will get and what I will get. The houe will be the only point of contengtion.

As I work in Academia they have approved me being off for the rest of the academic year. It allowed them to hire a full time sub. So I have until June to figure this out.

My sister, who by the way lives only 12 miles aways and works only 2 miles from our house and only comes to visit about every 2 months . Does not apporve of even respite care. I called her to discuss the idea of a day program so that I could return to work. She adimittly protested.

About 1 year ago my long time partner proposed, we are getting married in May, and have planned (paid) for a trip to Las Vegas. This was done some time ago. Grandma has gotten worse since then.
i was talking to my sister about placing grandma just for the week long trip. Again complete refusal. Now I know that My son and I are the decsion makers, but i do not want to alienate her.

I have suggested she come stay that week. Perhaps having to do the caregiving herself will cange her prospective.

I kow that I will have to place grandma this year, I just feel so bad that I can't take care of her. And I am afraid to not have her. She had been a part of my everyday life since I was a young child.

When did gram add your name to the deed? If within the past five years will pose an issue with Medicaid. Would you be able to buy out grandma's half. Or does grandma have resources to self pay for care? You need to consult an elder law attorney well versed on Medicaid in your state.

Lovefor grammy..Don't feel bad you have done a wonderful job looking after granma for so long it takes a very strong dedicated person to do this & a big bonus to you for having your wonderful son to help you..The way you are describing granma I think its a good time to look for a place for her at this stage I think it would be beneficial for her & also for you & your son to so it does not come to burn out point & this way you are able to plan your future with your partner. You will still be able to visit her & spend time with her. Good luck in whatever you do decide. Thumbs up to you for raising such wonderful kids.

Why does your sister think she has ANY say in this?

I was relieved when my husband's hospice team more or less forced me to place him in a nursing home. As it is, I have several medical conditions that might not have occurred if I hadn't insisted on caring for him alone for so long.

You should have a back up plan if your sister doesn’t follow through on caring for grandma when you go on your trip. It is admirable that you don’t want to alienate her but why does she get a vote in the matter when she Isint really doing any of the work? I know she’s family but sheesh. Doe what is best for you and grandma. Good luck

It is actually beyond the time to place grandma in a facility. I am a psych nurse and this woman definitely needs to be in a facility. Why are you waiting so long? Is it just guilt? Your mother will have a better quality of life if she is placed in sum type of dementia care facility, and then you and your son can go back to having a "life." I think your son is correct, that you are in denial.

If you have had to stop working to take care of grandma, it's time to place her. You can't stay on leave forever. You need to earn a living and prepare for your own retirement. You also want to start your marriage on the right footing. Wouldn't you (or your new husband) like to be able to enjoy married life without being a full-time caregiver?

I agree that your sister should have no say in the manner. You can't allow her wishes to control your life and your choices.

Your son wants you to have your own life and be around for him. I have a 25 year old daughter and I know that she worries about me. Even though they're all grown up they want their Mom around and healthy and happy. He sounds very mature and I think he is right. You've done your duty to your Grandma and remember placing her in a home is not the easy option. You will still be busy advocating for her and visiting her. BUT you will get some very deserved time to yourself and doing things that please and fulfill you. Don't be a worry to your son. Good luck.

First of all - great job! Second of all, sister has no say in what you do with Grandma. You are the one who has been bearing the brunt all of these years. Third, is there not a physician involved who can advise you? Sounds like Grandma is way past the need to be placed in a round the clock care facility. Guilt is a wasted emotion. You have gone above and beyond and can rest in the knowledge that you always have and always will LOVE your Grandma. As others have suggested, see an Elder Atty asap and get the ball rolling. You have lots of things to figure out before you even make the final decision. Start now. June will be here before you know it. God bless!

Perhaps your 'thoughtful and advice giving' sister could spend a few days with granny while you take a break. maybe this would let her see what exactly is going on! That is weird that she would protest even day or respite care.? (Sounds like my sibling.) That is who exactly is in denial, my dear. You need to follow your heart. If you think you can still handle this then do it. but, from the sounds of it, it is getting to be a little much for your household. Best to you

Follow your heart.

Call Hospice/Home Health. Not only will they help with some of the burden but they know of programs to assist you. They will also evaluate your grandmother.

I applaud you as I know some of what you are going through - my 96 yo hubby is still home with me. I am going to do a PM to you on your page for what is helping my hubby.

Huggers,
linda

Loveforgrammy, you cannot let your sister, who lives nearby but doesn’t help or even visit very often, to call the shots. You are the family Caregiver and POA, you can decide to get respite care for granma while you and your husband are on a much deserved trip. Unless of course the sister would come and care for granma herself. Either way, you should not deprive yourself of this trip. In fact, even if the sister agrees to come, have a backup plan for respite care (home care or facility respite) “just in case” she changes her plans... Good luck and God bless. Your granma is so fortunate to have you to help her, both now in the home and later when she is in another place, you will continue to be a big blessing in her life. But do take care of yourself. ❤️

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Grandma, it will be a huge adjustment to not be her caregiver. The saddest thing is that the elders in our lives that give us the most love never live long enough. You are very fortunate to have a new marriage on the horizon to help with the transition.

I also wonder why the absentee sister gets to have any say. Give her this site info and tell her to plan a weekend around it, reading what life as a caregiver looks and feels like, especially when siblings do nothing but throw out opinions and criticism.

Congratulations on your up coming nuptials and your honeymoon in Vegas.

Thank God your Grandmother did what she needed to do to take care of you and your children after she is gone. You & your sons have taken great care of her. What kind of long term care can she afford now? Probably not much. Where will she wind up and what kind of care will she get. Soon your sons will be off living their own lives. Forget about what your sister thinks or feels. She has demonstrated it. A sister should be jumping in to help. She should be telling you not to worry & enjoy your trip. She isn't though right? I am sure she has great reasons for why she can't. They always do. Personally, I feel she gave you her house and of course you have made sacrifices for her as well. Now, when she needs someone the most, you need to stick it out with her. There are care services you can employ in home. Can't afford it? Remortgage the house. I am sorry but nursing homes are not the best solution and long term care facilities cost money. Forget about asking your sister about any of it. You already said she will have a large problem due to the house being yours. Believe me I know. Four siblings totally abandoned mom and I when they learned I was deeded the house. I Took early retirement and took 24/7 care of my bedridden mother for 4 years and I only wish I still had her here to do it all over again. Please, I know it is hard and you want and deserve your own life finally. You are obviously quite bright. Figure out a solution that will be best for Grandma and you.

I am sorry I was rough in my response. Very sorry. I guess my own inner anger towards my siblings reared its ungly head. It is baffling to me how evil so called family will be when money enters the picture. In our case we were barely getting by. I appreciate this time I have to grieve without siblings pushing on me to sell and divide. It is such a meager home and I have been doing the much needed repairs as I cared for mom----alone. They stabbed at my heart a million times over and I am still in shock over it. I do know I honored my Mother's wishes and she very much appreciated it. My grandmother, her mother, was in an awful facility in another state. She had severe Alzheimer's disease. I saw the horrified look on my Mother's face when we visited her. I was equally horrified but only a young girl. She begged me to never send her anywhere. She wanted to be at home till the end. She got her wish. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Did I have to give up my life as I knew it? Yes I did. That is what was best for us. You need to do what is best for you and Grandmother. I beg you to not let your sister dictate much. It is not & should not be her decision. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope he will be able to guide you as well in the right decisions. Prayers to you.

Your granny needs to be in a long term care center. My parents are in one in Panguitch, Utah and they love it. The nurses give them their baths and help them dress if they need it and my Mom does. Dad is 91 years old and he can do everything for himself and he takes care of the garden at the long term care center. You need to have a life and not feel guilty for it. Take the advice and see an attorney so you don’t loose your housing. Good Luck in your marriage.

On the whole I agree with Countrymouse. However, if you're looking for a more objective opinion, ask her doctor.

Also, please, please consider if Estate Recovery would be a factor for you. Otherwise medicaid will probably end up taking your home when she dies. Things like joint accounts, trusts, life insurance, etc also all become overly complicated topics....  I understand that such a thought in this time, especially after so many years of strife, seems needlessly difficult, pointless, and even plain cruel.  But, that's unfortunately what's on the table with medicaid.  

Just know that you could take on a lot of risk by putting her into a home.

(The quick version is if her name has been on the deed in the past 5 years and medicaid helps with nursing home (or hospice, assisted living, etc) costs, then you'll need to worry about estate recovery. There are some possible options to avoid, or limit loss, but they vary by state. Best to contact an elder law lawyer _before_ putting her into a home...)

We just placed my MIL in assisted living who had nearly all of the symtoms you mentioned except for the incontinence and EVERYONE is much happier! She only lived with us for 6 months but very much MISSED having her own place (wouldn't we all!).  She also wasn't that crazy about my  being that "nagging/advice giving daughter in law" telling her to change her clothes/shower and does much better with the people in the AL facility saying the same thing!  By the way she now thinks I'm gone (not sure if dead or divorced) and my husband is marrying again.  His new wife apparently has the same name and is sort of still me!  I'm not sure whether I want to delve to deeply into where her mind is on all THAT!  My husband thinks it's hilarious.

 She did want us to move in with her but we had no desire to move 3 states away. What I noticed was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Living with somebody who can't remember anything for 15 minutes, who endless asks the same questions over and over, who needs more reminding than a 4 year old on showering and changing clothes, who cries because she's not in the same town where she's always lived, who thinks some stranger was in the house the night before (it was US), who needs to be supervised in the house because she literally cleans the SHINE off the appliances/pans etc,  etc is just too much for 1 person to deal with with patience and good humor day after day.   It was also visibly affecting my husband's health which isn't top notch to start with  just from the stress.  She's much happier with people her own age who frankly frequently aren't any better at remembering what happened in the past than she is but who cares when they are happily chatting with each other. Put her in a home that feels good to you and preferably one where she might actually know some of the people and you'll all feel less stressed and happier! Our Mom argued endlessly that she didn't want to go in, but when she finally agreed (mind you I don't think she knew exactly what complex she was agreeing to) and we did what EVERYONE suggested which was move the furniture and her stuff in PRIOR to her moving in without her even being there - she thought she had been there for months and was pleased.   It's important to include items which you KNOW were important to her.  Her favorite chair/photos/pictues/etc.  Enjoy your life while you can and let her have some friends her own age instead of just you.

My mom has Medicaid, so if your gma does as well, call them for a listing of incontinent suppliers. Keep the insurance phone no. handy as they will be your best friend at the beginning of all your set up, and all you need is dr's ok. The disposable pull-ups, washable chucks to protect bed will remedy this. I put a shoe rack (pouches) behind her door, in arm's reach to commode with arm touching bed in down position and that next to hospital bed (has a remote). She stands, pivots and sits. All supplies, baby wipes, small garbage bags (Dollar Tree), pull-ups, large Kotex for night time extra absorbancy are in the shoe rack. No paper products go in a commode. Next, I would get dr. to sign off on a hospital bed (twin sheets from Goodwill) - (great for watching tv with head lift or leg lift to help with circulation) I took arms off and put a bedskirt so not so much look of a hospital bed. two shelf bookcase (on crates) on side of her bed facing bed so she stores personal effects, bible, denture cup, hairbrush etc, telephone etc. Shower chair (like bariatric) should be two legs outside the tub to sit and slide with a 6-foot shower head. The transport wheelchair (all 4 wheels are small-remove foot pedals she can walk sitting down) or a rollator, which is a walker with a seat in the middle. All this helps with fall risk. Keep in mind whatever insurance does not cover, check out Facebook or Craigslist even Goodwill. The better she understands fall risk is 50% chance, broke hip is definitely nursing home living, she will adjust to and appreciate the aids to help her maintain a sense of independence. If I were not here, Mom would have been dead decades ago...Best of Luck. Also, I got a Tend Security Cam from Walmart so I have cam on her via my cell in real time and can watch her even in the dark while I am out shopping or having lunch with friends... Lovin it. Got her a hearing aid telephone (CapTel) and is set up with Magic Jack via my internet as I gave up land lines long ago but this way she has her own telephone no. Further, treated her to a 55-inch smart tv in her room. If she isn't good in channel changing, I have found YouTube has a lot of old movies or tv shows that she can binge watch. Ceiling Fans I got extended chains so she can turn lights off and on from sitting position in her room and in the kitchen. It seems to motivate them when they see effort has been made to help them grow old gracefully. Best of Luck.

My mom has Medicaid, so if your gma does as well, call them for a listing of incontinent suppliers. Keep the insurance phone no. handy as they will be your best friend at the beginning of all your set up, and all you need is dr's ok. The disposable pull-ups, washable chucks to protect bed will remedy this. I put a shoe rack (pouches) behind her door, in arm's reach to commode with arm touching bed in down position and that next to hospital bed (has a remote). She stands, pivots and sits. All supplies, baby wipes, small garbage bags (Dollar Tree), pull-ups, large Kotex for night time extra absorbancy are in the shoe rack. No paper products go in a commode. Next, I would get dr. to sign off on a hospital bed (twin sheets from Goodwill) - (great for watching tv with head lift or leg lift to help with circulation) I took arms off and put a bedskirt so not so much look of a hospital bed. two shelf bookcase (on crates) on side of her bed facing bed so she stores personal effects, bible, denture cup, hairbrush etc, telephone etc. Shower chair (like bariatric) should be two legs outside the tub to sit and slide with a 6-foot shower head. The transport wheelchair (all 4 wheels are small-remove foot pedals she can walk sitting down) or a rollator, which is a walker with a seat in the middle. All this helps with fall risk. Keep in mind whatever insurance does not cover, check out Facebook or Craigslist even Goodwill. The better she understands fall risk is 50% chance, broke hip is definitely nursing home living, she will adjust to and appreciate the aids to help her maintain a sense of independence. If I were not here, Mom would have been dead decades ago...Best of Luck. Also, I got a Tend Security Cam from Walmart so I have cam on her via my cell in real time and can watch her even in the dark while I am out shopping or having lunch with friends... Lovin it. Got her a hearing aid telephone (CapTel) and is set up with Magic Jack via my internet as I gave up land lines long ago but this way she has her own telephone no. Further, treated her to a 55-inch smart tv in her room. If she isn't good in channel changing, I have found YouTube has a lot of old movies or tv shows that she can binge watch. Ceiling Fans I got extended chains so she can turn lights off and on from sitting position in her room and in the kitchen. It seems to motivate them when they see effort has been made to help them grow old gracefully. Best of Luck.

I think what you are really asking for is for us to tell you it's okay to put your grandmother in a nursing home. The answer is yes. You have been a loving, dutiful granddaughter and it is time for you to pass the torch onto those who are more equipped to handle your beloved grandmother. You have done an admiral job and it's time for you to rest.

yes, your son is right. You need to find other accommodations for her. She will be surprised at how much she likes it. I'm sure she doesn't like wearing you out....