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What can I do to have a relationship and make him understand how awful my position is?

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Is your goal to repair or build a good solid relationship with your son or is it to get help? I think your goals and expectations will make a big difference in the way you approach things as well as the results. Is your son an only child, does he live nearby? How often to see him, talk to him?
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Reply to Lymie61
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Knowing your age would help in our answers to you.

What kind of relationship have you had with him before now? What do you expect him to do for you? Have you approached him at all?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Just my opinion, but if you don’t already have a good relationship with your son, I wouldn’t expect help. Children do not have an obligation to help parents financially. If they do provide assistance, it should be because they want too, not because they are being forced or guilted into it.
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Reply to UsedupDIL
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He is in no way obligated to take care of you financially. He is married and his wife and kids (if any) should come first. What’s wrong with him “living high on the hog” if he works and honestly earns his salary? Is he not supposed to be well off if you aren’t?

It’s great to want a relationship with him, but don’t approach him with “I just want a relationship with you” and then tell him you need money.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Riverdale Apr 17, 2019
I think your reply in my opinion is somewhat harsh. There are more
likely other issues going on that we are not privy to yet may or may not learn if a poster is scared away thus making them worried about continuing the dialogue. Obviously this forum represents all sorts of personalities with greatly varied opinions. Generally there is more positivity in guiding someone. I understand your feelings of validity but I think it might have been more helpful if there was a softer delivery. Perhaps that is your style which you are entitled to deliver. I just question the intensity of it.
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Is the goal to have a relationship with him or just have him support you? How did you come to be living hand to mouth and how is it that he is so wealthy? What caused the distance between the two of you?

When you say 'high on the hog' it makes you sound as if you resent him being able to have a good life. Does he earn a living to be able to support his lifestyle? I know whenever my parents bought anything my grandmother was resentful, as if she expected them to get her one too. That is not how life works.

My assistant at work is nearly 70. She has to work as social security is not enough. Bother her girls have big jobs, but they also have their own families to support and live far away. It is not their job to pay her mortgage.

I suggest two things: contact your son and re-establish communication....take a look at your life and see how you can make things change yourself.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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A Mother would do anything for her children but the children move on with their lives. This is the norm.
It is great to see them independent, happy and successful. This gives us joy and pride.
Since the adult children have busy lives we do not want to interfere or even interrupt. Of course we do miss them. What can we do?
— Mail a sweet card to your Son’s house OR call him at a good time to say:
“ I am thinking of you. I miss you.
I want to hear your voice”
— Ask about how your Son and daughter in law is. Show your genuine interest.
— Ask if there is anything YOU can do for them.
— Tell them you enjoy spending some time with them
— Invite them over your house
— Avoid complaining
— Do not ask for help until you built
a good relationship
— Show them you are happy to see them
—If there was conflict in the past
apologize. No one is perfect
—If they wronged you, forgive them
—Remember, as we Parents get older , we need our children, they do not need us
—Respect should always be demonstrated no matter how old our children get
— Make friends your age and relax, have fun and share your own issues
to find understanding
— Solve your own problems seeking help in your community, Church, neighborhood, your friends etc
— No one can substitute for the need we have as Parents to be connected with our children, but
they need their space and they are not responsible for our happiness.
🌹 Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness🌹

So, Bismarck 100, do not despair.
Remove all negative feelings from your heart and keep only love.
You can do it. Be patient and loving
and accept what you cannot change...
This calmness will serve you well and perhaps your Son and Daughter-in-law will notice, and would even want to be with you.

Start fresh. Start new. It is never too late. Do not ask for love. Give it!

Sending you good wishes for inner strength and patience 🌷
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Reply to Godguidesme
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ArtistDaughter Apr 17, 2019
Beautiful.
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Get your own hog.

But. Is there any particular reason why you feel your son should take responsibility for your financial situation? Anything beyond standard parent-child relationships?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Riverdale Apr 17, 2019
That sounds ideal but " hogs " may be harder to come by for many as they age. I understand that each generation has to live their own life but resources may be harder to reach as one ages. Unless there are serious negative circumstances those family members may feel the need for a connection as they age. At the very least they may wish to know they still matter.

Yes it can be said our children owe us nothing but it is also important to hope that we as aging adults might feel that the years we spent raising them matter. My parents were not ideal but I still feel a sense of responsibility as they require more involvement at times.
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Bismark it might be easier for us to help you if you give a little more background information. Maybe there are some practical things that can be done to help your living situation be more tenable.
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Reply to cwillie
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Since you really have not given the circumstances that truly prompts your question, I will go with my assumptions. I have a son that is extremely well off. He and his wife work very hard for what they have accomplished...... and they have given me the joy of two wonderful granddaughters. As of now my financial situation is stable, but looking at the years ahead, how long this remains is anyone’s guess. He is very generous with gifts and often times will help out financially if a need arises.....always at his insistence. Point is....I have lived long enough to know life can be precarious and even with the most thoughtful planning for the future, life has a way at times for pulling the rug out from under us. I want his first priority to be to his wife and girls......to afford them a future where they can live to their full potential.....and enjoy the fruits of their labor along the way. I’ve lived my life and want my children to have the freedom to do the same. That said, I also know if I were to become destitute..... he would certainly step up. But that is not living hand to mouth. We make our own financial decisions and need to live within our means. Have you reached out to establish a relationship with him....or do you have an ongoing one that is less than ideal? A little more information would be helpful rather than us merely speculating.
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Reply to Abby2018
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Ask your son for financial assistance and give him a concrete number like $500 a month. Don't assume he knows what you need or how you feel. IF you are not on speaking terms then send him a letter.

My mother doesn't share her feelings. She will sit in need and suffering rather than ask for help. My life is busy and I have many family obligations. It would be easiest for me if she would just tell me what she needs. I ask her but she always says, I don't need anything I'm fine. In my opinion she needs clothes newer than 25 years old, needs her house cleaned regularly and needs some extra money. But I'm not going to battle her for every gift and tell her how to live. That is what independent living is about.

Yes it will hurt if your son says no but he may be willing to give you money instead of his time. In his mind he may rationalize that he is doing his part to help you.
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Reply to coffeeaddict
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A very large percentage of the world's population live hand to mouth.

What exactly are your expectations of your son?

Just because he is doing well and appears to be living high on the hog really doesn't have any effect on you one way or another, unless you stew about what he has vs what you have.

Your question sounds like you are bitter that he is doing well, correct me if I am wrong, but you are the only one that can bring happiness to your world. Be content with your lot and find the blessings you surely have.

My parents both think that they are entitled to our money, not hardly, we worked hard and saved, they worked and blew through their money and made bad choices, doesn't obligate us to provide them money. Time for them to live as we did when working and saving for retirement. Without any extras, they are doing it opposite of us, but that was their choice and now the consequences.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Some good advice here - show love, make your own happiness, reach out to what resources there are in the community.  I've noticed that people who really show love, kindness, patience, etc. generally attract others. Trying to live your life centered on your needs is not good use of physical or spiritual energy.
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Reply to rovana
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Have you looked at downsizing your lifestyle? What services are available in the community? Your son is not responsible for your financial well-being and I recommend looking at your expenses and what you can take advantage of through social services - before you tap your son.

I am a child whose mom blew through her money and then decided I needed to support her (NO). My stepmom worked hard all her life, downsized after my dad died, uses all local services first, works part time at baby sitting or sitting with elderly who can't be left alone, THEN approached her stepkids for a LOAN, not a "gift" when her car needed major work. There is local senior transport but in a rural area she needs a car. she put together a repayment schedule and insists on it even though divided by six kids we didn't want her to. Do your own due diligence first.

Why do you not have a relationship with your son? My stepmom has worked very hard through very tough years to keep positive relationships when we young ones resented her or were rude to her. We all adore her now.

My mom has always demanded and only gave with conditions, then held over our heads for more demands. None of us have a very good relationship with her.
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Reply to Kimber166
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What exactly is the awful position you find yourself?

What exactly does your son have or does your son do that makes you judge him as living "high on the hog with his wife"?
Does he live in a mansion?
How many luxury cars are in his garage?
Does he have a yacht?
How many carats is his wife's ring?
Does he have servants?
Does he own a private jet?
Does he vacation at hotels costing $2,000 a night?
Is he a high roller in Las Vegas?

Your son may be an ordinary guy who works hard for what he has. However, there also are many Americans who maintain extravagant lifestyles using credit cards. How do you know that your son isn't one of them? And if the tables were turned and your son came to you to ask for money to pay his credit card, would you give it to him?

You come across as dissatisfied and discontent with your lot in life. Perhaps it's time to think about what makes you so unhappy with your life.

What can you do to make yourself better off tomorrow than you are today? Getting ahead in life takes discipline, effort, perseverance, and fortitude. It's never too late to get on the right path.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Bismark can you answer some of the questions that people have asked?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Please note, OP has not answered any of our questions and its bee 4 days.

I have talked about my friend before. This is how she thinks, her kids are doing well and they do nothing for her. There is a reason for that. You either raised them to be self centered people or you have done something where they stay away. I know my friend is a "Debbie Downer". She complains about everything. Suggestions get shot down. Always a reason why she can't do it. Her sons have told her they are tired of the Drama. She never sees her part in anything.

This is how I look at care of Parents.

You chose to have children. By choosing you have responsibility to care for them, fed, dress and make sure they are safe, warm and loved. Once they are grown, you send them out to the world hoping you have done a good job of making them independent people. If you have done a good job, when you need them, they will make sure you are cared for, (doesn't have to be them because now they have lives of their own) fed, ect.

I don't expect my girls to financially care for me. If DH goes before me, I will sell my house. It will be too much to keep up and that money can be used for a nice comfortable apt. Both are single, one raising her own child. Both are good hearted people. Hopefully I won't be forgotten but I will do what I can to stay independent.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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My maximum bet is 5 cents, and I wouldn’t mind losing it on the chance that Bismark is in fact Erwash, trying on his situation with gender roles reversed to prove something to himself.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 17, 2019
That was my 1st thought as well.
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Congratulations on raising kids who have achieved financial independence and success. I love to see my kids living high off the hog, it makes my heart smile. They deserve it, they've worked hard to get where they are.
I'm sorry things are hard for you. That's becoming a very common situation for elders and you're not alone in having a short supply of funds to live on.
You ask how to have a relationship with your kids, that's so sad that you don't. Maybe you could take some time to think about your family history and figure out what caused the rift between you. What caused them to drift away from you. Once you figure out the problem you can work at making it right.
I'm not sure about the idea of making your kids understand how awful things are for you. That's not how I live so I can't really help you there. I would rather my children never know when I'm having a hard time. I want them to be free of any worry over me. My joy is in seeing them out there enjoying the life I helped to give them. I truly hope you can find a way to open the doors of communication with your children.
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Reply to faeriefiles
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I feel like there a lot of similar posts on here in the last few weeks. Are the posters not reading the other posts? I am sure my BIL and his wife think we are living "high on the hog" with my Mom here, while we think they are moochers for living with FIL while he pays all the bills.. I guess it's a matter of perspective..
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 17, 2019
Most posters don't read other posts. They don't search for threads or even peruse the categories to see what's already there.
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They have their reasons. You are being very secretive. Wonder why?
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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There? Hello!
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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21 responses and no OP. Goodbye to this thread.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Riverdale Apr 17, 2019
It is sad. Alot of posters were trying to have a conversation and understanding. I guess for whatever reason this OP couldn't follow through.
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My son in law is having issues with his mom. She quit work early, cashed in her retirement and lived on minimal rent. Yet she still took vacations and now squandered her money away. She is only 65 and her car is falling apart. He is looking at her burdon for the next 30 years or so. Is this fair to him even though he makes good money? He has a family and looks forward to college funding in the future. Can you see how this would make a child feel. Have you yet looked at your local social services for transportation or meals on wheels to ease your own burdon? Your predicament and your children's predicament each have relative meanings
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Reply to MACinCT
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Godguideus, that is one of the most lovely, helpful posts I have read on the Internet, lol. That, alone, made this thread worth it, and I copied it to re-read in the future.

In the dearth that is digital conversation, it is posts like that that shine light in the world. They are powerful and pierce the ugly. Thank you.

P.S. Due to your choice of screen name, I feel safe in saying that you truly reflect the face of God to others with those words:)

P.S.S. And thanks to all here who shine that light. As someone who has played both the role of participant as well as lurker, I can honestly say that you may not hear back from an OP... they may be trolling, or jerky, or clueless... but your collective wisdom is read by many. In a role that is hidden and exhausting and confusing, that wisdom - and the ability to find it at 3a when you have just been roused for the third time in a night to clean up another accident - is truly invaluable.
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Reply to 499HopeFloats
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Godguidesme Apr 20, 2019
Thank you dear Hope Floats. Yes I am a strong believer like I think you are, as your screen name reveals a positive disposition.
I thank God for the calmness and
joy I have everyday in spite of the huge challenges I face.
I do not feel alone and I DO want to please God with my decisions and actions. So I try my best and pray for the rest!
Be blessed!🌷
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Margaret McKen said this earlier. She thinks this is a poster from a few days ago that didn't like our answers and stopped posting. He said he had a PHD. So he has made good money. If he is a retired professor, then he gets a very good pension.

Margarets post

"My maximum bet is 5 cents, and I wouldn’t mind losing it on the chance that Bismark is in fact Erwash, trying on his situation with gender roles reversed to prove something to himself."
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