A Mother would do anything for her children but the children move on with their lives. This is the norm. It is great to see them independent, happy and successful. This gives us joy and pride. Since the adult children have busy lives we do not want to interfere or even interrupt. Of course we do miss them. What can we do? — Mail a sweet card to your Son’s house OR call him at a good time to say: “ I am thinking of you. I miss you. I want to hear your voice” — Ask about how your Son and daughter in law is. Show your genuine interest. — Ask if there is anything YOU can do for them. — Tell them you enjoy spending some time with them — Invite them over your house — Avoid complaining — Do not ask for help until you built a good relationship — Show them you are happy to see them —If there was conflict in the past apologize. No one is perfect —If they wronged you, forgive them —Remember, as we Parents get older , we need our children, they do not need us —Respect should always be demonstrated no matter how old our children get — Make friends your age and relax, have fun and share your own issues to find understanding — Solve your own problems seeking help in your community, Church, neighborhood, your friends etc — No one can substitute for the need we have as Parents to be connected with our children, but they need their space and they are not responsible for our happiness. 🌹 Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness🌹
So, Bismarck 100, do not despair. Remove all negative feelings from your heart and keep only love. You can do it. Be patient and loving and accept what you cannot change... This calmness will serve you well and perhaps your Son and Daughter-in-law will notice, and would even want to be with you.
Start fresh. Start new. It is never too late. Do not ask for love. Give it!
Sending you good wishes for inner strength and patience 🌷
My maximum bet is 5 cents, and I wouldn’t mind losing it on the chance that Bismark is in fact Erwash, trying on his situation with gender roles reversed to prove something to himself.
Just my opinion, but if you don’t already have a good relationship with your son, I wouldn’t expect help. Children do not have an obligation to help parents financially. If they do provide assistance, it should be because they want too, not because they are being forced or guilted into it.
But. Is there any particular reason why you feel your son should take responsibility for your financial situation? Anything beyond standard parent-child relationships?
That sounds ideal but " hogs " may be harder to come by for many as they age. I understand that each generation has to live their own life but resources may be harder to reach as one ages. Unless there are serious negative circumstances those family members may feel the need for a connection as they age. At the very least they may wish to know they still matter.
Yes it can be said our children owe us nothing but it is also important to hope that we as aging adults might feel that the years we spent raising them matter. My parents were not ideal but I still feel a sense of responsibility as they require more involvement at times.
A very large percentage of the world's population live hand to mouth.
What exactly are your expectations of your son?
Just because he is doing well and appears to be living high on the hog really doesn't have any effect on you one way or another, unless you stew about what he has vs what you have.
Your question sounds like you are bitter that he is doing well, correct me if I am wrong, but you are the only one that can bring happiness to your world. Be content with your lot and find the blessings you surely have.
My parents both think that they are entitled to our money, not hardly, we worked hard and saved, they worked and blew through their money and made bad choices, doesn't obligate us to provide them money. Time for them to live as we did when working and saving for retirement. Without any extras, they are doing it opposite of us, but that was their choice and now the consequences.
He is in no way obligated to take care of you financially. He is married and his wife and kids (if any) should come first. What’s wrong with him “living high on the hog” if he works and honestly earns his salary? Is he not supposed to be well off if you aren’t?
It’s great to want a relationship with him, but don’t approach him with “I just want a relationship with you” and then tell him you need money.
I think your reply in my opinion is somewhat harsh. There are more likely other issues going on that we are not privy to yet may or may not learn if a poster is scared away thus making them worried about continuing the dialogue. Obviously this forum represents all sorts of personalities with greatly varied opinions. Generally there is more positivity in guiding someone. I understand your feelings of validity but I think it might have been more helpful if there was a softer delivery. Perhaps that is your style which you are entitled to deliver. I just question the intensity of it.
Is the goal to have a relationship with him or just have him support you? How did you come to be living hand to mouth and how is it that he is so wealthy? What caused the distance between the two of you?
When you say 'high on the hog' it makes you sound as if you resent him being able to have a good life. Does he earn a living to be able to support his lifestyle? I know whenever my parents bought anything my grandmother was resentful, as if she expected them to get her one too. That is not how life works.
My assistant at work is nearly 70. She has to work as social security is not enough. Bother her girls have big jobs, but they also have their own families to support and live far away. It is not their job to pay her mortgage.
I suggest two things: contact your son and re-establish communication....take a look at your life and see how you can make things change yourself.
Please note, OP has not answered any of our questions and its bee 4 days.
I have talked about my friend before. This is how she thinks, her kids are doing well and they do nothing for her. There is a reason for that. You either raised them to be self centered people or you have done something where they stay away. I know my friend is a "Debbie Downer". She complains about everything. Suggestions get shot down. Always a reason why she can't do it. Her sons have told her they are tired of the Drama. She never sees her part in anything.
This is how I look at care of Parents.
You chose to have children. By choosing you have responsibility to care for them, fed, dress and make sure they are safe, warm and loved. Once they are grown, you send them out to the world hoping you have done a good job of making them independent people. If you have done a good job, when you need them, they will make sure you are cared for, (doesn't have to be them because now they have lives of their own) fed, ect.
I don't expect my girls to financially care for me. If DH goes before me, I will sell my house. It will be too much to keep up and that money can be used for a nice comfortable apt. Both are single, one raising her own child. Both are good hearted people. Hopefully I won't be forgotten but I will do what I can to stay independent.
Congratulations on raising kids who have achieved financial independence and success. I love to see my kids living high off the hog, it makes my heart smile. They deserve it, they've worked hard to get where they are. I'm sorry things are hard for you. That's becoming a very common situation for elders and you're not alone in having a short supply of funds to live on. You ask how to have a relationship with your kids, that's so sad that you don't. Maybe you could take some time to think about your family history and figure out what caused the rift between you. What caused them to drift away from you. Once you figure out the problem you can work at making it right. I'm not sure about the idea of making your kids understand how awful things are for you. That's not how I live so I can't really help you there. I would rather my children never know when I'm having a hard time. I want them to be free of any worry over me. My joy is in seeing them out there enjoying the life I helped to give them. I truly hope you can find a way to open the doors of communication with your children.
I feel like there a lot of similar posts on here in the last few weeks. Are the posters not reading the other posts? I am sure my BIL and his wife think we are living "high on the hog" with my Mom here, while we think they are moochers for living with FIL while he pays all the bills.. I guess it's a matter of perspective..
It is great to see them independent, happy and successful. This gives us joy and pride.
Since the adult children have busy lives we do not want to interfere or even interrupt. Of course we do miss them. What can we do?
— Mail a sweet card to your Son’s house OR call him at a good time to say:
“ I am thinking of you. I miss you.
I want to hear your voice”
— Ask about how your Son and daughter in law is. Show your genuine interest.
— Ask if there is anything YOU can do for them.
— Tell them you enjoy spending some time with them
— Invite them over your house
— Avoid complaining
— Do not ask for help until you built
a good relationship
— Show them you are happy to see them
—If there was conflict in the past
apologize. No one is perfect
—If they wronged you, forgive them
—Remember, as we Parents get older , we need our children, they do not need us
—Respect should always be demonstrated no matter how old our children get
— Make friends your age and relax, have fun and share your own issues
to find understanding
— Solve your own problems seeking help in your community, Church, neighborhood, your friends etc
— No one can substitute for the need we have as Parents to be connected with our children, but
they need their space and they are not responsible for our happiness.
🌹 Every one of us is responsible for our own happiness🌹
So, Bismarck 100, do not despair.
Remove all negative feelings from your heart and keep only love.
You can do it. Be patient and loving
and accept what you cannot change...
This calmness will serve you well and perhaps your Son and Daughter-in-law will notice, and would even want to be with you.
Start fresh. Start new. It is never too late. Do not ask for love. Give it!
Sending you good wishes for inner strength and patience 🌷
But. Is there any particular reason why you feel your son should take responsibility for your financial situation? Anything beyond standard parent-child relationships?
Yes it can be said our children owe us nothing but it is also important to hope that we as aging adults might feel that the years we spent raising them matter. My parents were not ideal but I still feel a sense of responsibility as they require more involvement at times.
What exactly are your expectations of your son?
Just because he is doing well and appears to be living high on the hog really doesn't have any effect on you one way or another, unless you stew about what he has vs what you have.
Your question sounds like you are bitter that he is doing well, correct me if I am wrong, but you are the only one that can bring happiness to your world. Be content with your lot and find the blessings you surely have.
My parents both think that they are entitled to our money, not hardly, we worked hard and saved, they worked and blew through their money and made bad choices, doesn't obligate us to provide them money. Time for them to live as we did when working and saving for retirement. Without any extras, they are doing it opposite of us, but that was their choice and now the consequences.
It’s great to want a relationship with him, but don’t approach him with “I just want a relationship with you” and then tell him you need money.
likely other issues going on that we are not privy to yet may or may not learn if a poster is scared away thus making them worried about continuing the dialogue. Obviously this forum represents all sorts of personalities with greatly varied opinions. Generally there is more positivity in guiding someone. I understand your feelings of validity but I think it might have been more helpful if there was a softer delivery. Perhaps that is your style which you are entitled to deliver. I just question the intensity of it.
When you say 'high on the hog' it makes you sound as if you resent him being able to have a good life. Does he earn a living to be able to support his lifestyle? I know whenever my parents bought anything my grandmother was resentful, as if she expected them to get her one too. That is not how life works.
My assistant at work is nearly 70. She has to work as social security is not enough. Bother her girls have big jobs, but they also have their own families to support and live far away. It is not their job to pay her mortgage.
I suggest two things: contact your son and re-establish communication....take a look at your life and see how you can make things change yourself.
I have talked about my friend before. This is how she thinks, her kids are doing well and they do nothing for her. There is a reason for that. You either raised them to be self centered people or you have done something where they stay away. I know my friend is a "Debbie Downer". She complains about everything. Suggestions get shot down. Always a reason why she can't do it. Her sons have told her they are tired of the Drama. She never sees her part in anything.
This is how I look at care of Parents.
You chose to have children. By choosing you have responsibility to care for them, fed, dress and make sure they are safe, warm and loved. Once they are grown, you send them out to the world hoping you have done a good job of making them independent people. If you have done a good job, when you need them, they will make sure you are cared for, (doesn't have to be them because now they have lives of their own) fed, ect.
I don't expect my girls to financially care for me. If DH goes before me, I will sell my house. It will be too much to keep up and that money can be used for a nice comfortable apt. Both are single, one raising her own child. Both are good hearted people. Hopefully I won't be forgotten but I will do what I can to stay independent.
I'm sorry things are hard for you. That's becoming a very common situation for elders and you're not alone in having a short supply of funds to live on.
You ask how to have a relationship with your kids, that's so sad that you don't. Maybe you could take some time to think about your family history and figure out what caused the rift between you. What caused them to drift away from you. Once you figure out the problem you can work at making it right.
I'm not sure about the idea of making your kids understand how awful things are for you. That's not how I live so I can't really help you there. I would rather my children never know when I'm having a hard time. I want them to be free of any worry over me. My joy is in seeing them out there enjoying the life I helped to give them. I truly hope you can find a way to open the doors of communication with your children.