My sister's comment to me about my dad who passed away on hospice is so hurtful. Any advice?

Since you mentioned a "conference call" it seems that your sibs did not have the close proximity to your dad as you had. When one doesn't see firsthand a particular situation they conjure their own reality. My 86yo mother has advanced dementia, paranoia, and recently broke a hip and had to have surgery and rehab (doing well though). For more than a year she's been in care facilities -- memory care and now a nursing home. My sister, who lives 2 states away and has never visited, asks me whenever we talk why "mom still hasn't gone home." Despite my explanations, she sees our mother a certain way -- capable, able and now at the mercy of institutional care. Sounds like your sis is conjuring her own details of your dad's last days. I am so sorry for your loss.

You ended your fathers suffering, that was the right thing to do. If she doesn't see it that way, then that is her problem. Has she always been difficult and confrontational?

As hard as it is, you have to try and let it go.  I took care of my mother in law as no one in my husband's family was willing or able to take on that role, including my husband. During in home hospice care, my brother in law accused me of slowly killing his mother and after her passing, directly told me that I killed her.  If she had been in a facility, he would not have seen her decline and would only have known of her passing after the fact - that would have been easier for him.  Out of sight, out of mind. As it was, it was always her wish to die at home and I granted that wish. He still thinks I killed her and that's not changing anytime soon. I wish you the best of luck and try to forgive your sister for her cruelty but if it continues, you may need to limit contact.

I will start by saying that you made the correct decision. As well as others on the call.
I might be echoing other comments but my gut reaction is this.
You say "my sister's comment to me about MY dad..." This makes it sound like he was not her father as well. Keep in mind that that she is also grieving and when people are processing grief it can be difficult and they may say and do things that they normally would not. Another thing if she did not have as much contact with your dad as you did during his illness her point of view as to how ill he was may be skewed as well. As caregivers our grief is daily as we watch our loved one overcome one battle only to fight another and still decline. Those on the fringes see little of the battles and often see their loved one clean, bathed, dressed or if in bed the bed is comfortable, with clean sheets...they give no thought as to how difficult it is to bathe, dress, clean, change the bedding in an occupied bed. They may not process impending death. No one wants to loose a parent, spouse, child. So when it happens gut reactions come forward
Give her time to process.
Give her space to process, by this I mean do not react to what she says at this time. Your comment might be.."I'm sorry you feel like WE made the wrong decision but given the medical advice we had it was the best decision to be made"
Make no harsh or hurtful comments to her. As difficult as it is forgive her for what she says. If you carry this it will only effect you. You can't loose another family member at this time.

You definitely made the right decision with the help of healthcare professionals. Your Dad did not deserve to suffer more than he obviously did already. Your sister is in shock, grieving and venting and lashing out at you. Some people have to do this to come to terms with the situation, it's just so tough for the receiver. You know in your head and heart it was right, never doubt it. Put your hard hat on, continue to be kind, she will come round.

When siblings don't share the responsibility, they feel criticism is the way to ease their guilt. I don't give mine the time of day for the same reasons. There's ALWAYS just one of us that steps up and WE WILL BE BLESSED

Some people are just that way. They aren't happy without a bit of drama around them at all times. It sounds to me that you made the best decision you could for your father. It was obviously his time to pass. The bottom line is that he is now out of pain and is at rest. Her continued finger pointing and guilt assigning does no one any good. It's been my experience that when a family member says "I'm never going to forgive you," that just means they won't play nicely until they need something. I know it is hard to ignore, but giving it any space in your mind and heart is only going to prolong your grief.

Be strong and ignore her words. Those words should not effect you. You loved your father and did what you thought was best.

I am so sorry for your extra pain, on top of the regular grieving for the deep loss of your parent. You did nothing wrong. Will pray you have grace to let those comments just go so you can be free. And, if nothing else, you find healthy boundaries in relationship with your sibling that both protect your heart, but also leave the door open, for down the road, if there could ever be healing and restoration. Never know how hearts can change....

If you are needing reassurance you did the right thing (which you did!!), this book could be very helpful, supportive, and reassuring. If nothing else, when you have recovered more from all this, it will be so helpful to process what you will want for yourself, when making your own medical decisions becomes harder. It has over 7,000 five star ratings on Amazon for a reason. Superlative and easy read. A surgeon transparently writes how the health care system gets it so wrong, so many times at the end of life. He shares his personal struggle of humbly having to learn, as a surgeon of 30 years and a son, how to process his dad's cancer diagnosis, treatment choices and death. Once your get by the first couple drier chapters of the historical development of nursing homes, you won't be able to put it down as he becomes personal. My book is all highlighted and eared up.

https://www.amazon.com/Being-Mortal-Medicine-What-Matters/dp/1250076226/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=being+mortal+atul+gawande&qid=1556802802&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Bless you in these next months of processing and remembering your precious dad's life. Hugs!!

You said it - your sister is unstable, and possibly a drama queen or narcissist who uses every event to make herself either the hero or victim. You, your siblings and doctors conferred to try to make the best decision, and that was the RIGHT THING to do. I assume she was included in this, so she should not second-guess you. I'm hoping maybe she's just over-reacting out of grief, and will come around. But, that said, I have a sister who never pitched in much to help with aging and dying parents, or participated in funeral arrangements, and that was fine with the rest of us - she is an adult child who cannot accept that our parents were mortal, and would age and die. Yet, once they were gone, or had to go into care, this sister was throwing tantrums to others about our parents "wishes not being respected" and so forth. Even to cornering the funeral director right after the service, and complaining about everything. Most of those "wishes" were products of her own imagination, and simply another ploy to make herself into a "victim", i.e., the center of attention. We feel bad for her, but she will not change. Bonus, though - she quit speaking to/associating with the rest of us, and now the family holidays are much more pleasant.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry you have a hateful sister who hits when you’re down. I wish for you peace and comfort

So now that your sister has said that to you, what do you want? Do you want to be close again with her? Were you close as children? Your sister clearly has allowed herself to be unkind. Is that her "go-to"? Losing a parent is a shake up. Siblings may act out and go back to childlike behavior because it is a parent who has died. Did she say this to hurt you? (I am not ignoring that it was hurtful for you) Or is she lashing out, as she did in tension filled situations in the past? Are you the "responsible one" in the family? You have so much happening all at once. It's pretty clear you sister's comment hit the mark. I have more questions than answers. There are so many wonderful comments on this post. I loved reading them. What I can see is you are in good hands here at this site and I appreciate the opportunity to check in as well :)

As the person who was at my parents' bedside & my sis was MIA I feel for you - I'll bet she visited regularly once or twice a year too - I've also heard those same lame excuses etc .... been there

Your dad picked YOU to make the hard decisions not her - your dad trusted YOU not her to his reasonable care at the end of his life - by listening to the doctors you did right by him because abdominal surgery is hard enough [I've had 3] without the confusion of dementia where the wrong movement or a sneeze could burst the stitches

Your sister is selfish piece of work - was she even there when your dad died or did she show up later? - ignore her words & her for a while - she is too selfish to ever apologize

Go on with your life with your head held high with the knowledge that YOU DID YOUR BEST FOR YOUR DAD. - congratulations on having the backbone needed at a difficult time

Sounds as if she really didn’t listen to the doctors. And is laying this all on you. Jealous of your authority. She’s hurt and taking it all out on you. You hurt the ones you love the most saying. We all greave differently than others. She will get over it. And hopefully gives you an apology. I wouldn’t let her sick temper get to you. If there was nothing you could do there was nothing you could do. If the doctor didn’t feel it was a good choice to put him through an extensive clean out with surgery or what ever it took to save his life for a short period because it probably would have happened again or probably killed him going through the procedure then lay the blame on them. I feel your sister has other issues herself or about you that are leading her to speak this way about you, and you two had issues long before your dad passed. Move on with life , siblings can be nasty. But you only get treated like you treat others so she’s probably having issues in her own life. Sorry about your father, it’s hard loosing a parent especially if you were close. And it sounds like you. Were close if he left you MDPA and Trusted you out of choosing anyone else to do the job. I don’t wish it upon anyone being a POA it’s a very hard job. Keeping everyone happy and trying to do the job is a thankless task. Focus on your grief and your family and don’t take your sisters comment to heart. I’m sure your father thanks you for doing your best with his care. Sorry for your loss.

My deepest condolences _/\_

It was very kind of you to have a conference call with all of your siblings...and to have an agreement like that...everyone on the same page.

Write her a letter so you have your say with clarity (be non-judgment about her reaction), and then LET IT GO. The ball will be in her court.

Don't second-guess yourself, you did well, and your dad is free now. It's time for you to grieve and take care of yourself.

Peace be with...

This is very sad......Your sister is beyond uncouth. You did the right thing...
Now the following comment is hard to "accept" but it is also something you may want to consider. (I myself cannot live up to it, but here goes). "What others think about me or say about me is none of my business."

For me, had I received such remarks as your sister said to you, hurt deeply and last long.
However, after a period of time, and in view of the unanimous support you received in replies to your comment/question, may enable you to gradually move on and, while not forgetting your sister's nasty remarks, at least find a way to keep them in the context of the noble things you did to share the dilemma with your syblings.

Ignorance is where you find it...As an example, I cite my wife's nursing home roommate years ago: she developed gangrene in one of her lower legs...she could not walk or stand. Her family would not let them amputate part of her bad leg. They insisted it could be cured. The stench became overwhelming. Finally they agreed that she could go to hospice, She died soon thereafter. No surgery was done.

Your head should rest easy on your pillow for a responsibility handled very well and in my view, perfectly.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Family can be the hardest to deal with. I went through emotional hell for months with four of my seven sisters, who suddenly decided (after 15 years of having Mom in my care and them not paying attention to her), that I was no longer capable of making decisions on her care, and called me a "medical dictator" and making medical decisions, like denying Mom care.

Never. Did. That. I was all about making sure Mom was THE voice in her care. Mom made every decision, even the one to not go through dialysis. Mom and I had many talks about what she wanted, and she was ready to go whenever the good Lord called her, she refused medication because she wanted quality instead of quantity of life, and she didn't want her life extended by machines. They bad mouthed me to Mom to the point that the nursing home staff pulled me aside and expressed concern about me - not Mom - because "we hear what's going on in that room and it ain't right".

After months of working on Mom, they convinced her that they should become her new POAs and they eventually moved Mom to another nursing home because "they couldn't care for her where she was". /facepalm So Mom had to go to a new place, with new food, new schedules, etc. AND - they forced her into dialysis, discussed and approved surgical procedures without including her, even decided that she should take dialysis laying down. Mom laid down all day, which wasn't good for her, and she told me that she enjoyed sitting up the one time she went without her family escort. That nursing home had faults, too: Mom's food was about to be taken away once when I went to visit, because no one bothered to feed her. Thank goodness I got there in time. There were other issues, but because the overbearing sisters chose the home, it was 'perfect'. To them. /spits

Mom spent her last two years under the "care" of sisters who executed every fault that they had projected upon me. I had to keep my mouth shut and just love Mom from where I was.

Because of this, and following hostile behavior, I have reduced or cut off contact with a big chunk of my family. I know that I was doing the best for Mom, let Mom be fully involved in her medical care decisions, and did what I could to manage her finances and care according to her wishes. The sisters had to say things that made them feel better, whether it be from guilt, a frustration with not being in control, or personal issues with me. One sister is now completely cut off. I know who I am, and what I have(n't) done, so screw them. Just because they call me a chair doesn't make me a chair.

My life is much easier now. "Family are people who share your DNA. Friends are family you get to pick." "Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated."

God bless and good luck.

Don't even think twice. Your sibling is very very immature. Really

I'm sorry for your lost and what you're dealing with. You sister sounds young and immature. She's hurting too. Maybe she's unstable, maybe not. Either way words hurt, so we need to be careful what we say. You did the best that you could for your father, and that's why he chose you for his decision making. Please find comfort in that. When or if your sister matures she'll realized this and regret the hurtful things she said to you. So hang in there and be forgiving, family is important. God bless you, and hugs from me.💕

I think what you need to remember here is that grief is not rational, meaning it makes people irrational. Some people can not think straight. You, your sister and other siblings are all in pain. You've lost an important figure in your life. You each have your own history with him, your own wishes and regrets. You all clearly loved him. Your sister is lashing out in anger. Despite her agreement to the plan, she is in anguish and not thinking clearly and she wants something, anyone, to blame for her loss. You are not to blame. No one is. But when you lose someone, some people need to find someone to blame to focus the anger phase of their grief. Because you had medical POA, her focus for the time being is going to be you. It's not something you deserve, but in her mind you were the one who ultimately made the call.

You did absolutely everything you could. You discussed it with them first, came to a consensus and held to that agreement. You made the right call for your dad. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. There is no guarantee that the surgery would have been successful, and it probably wouldn't be curative.

This is still very new, and emotions are still very raw. I think you need to just give it some time. Everyone needs time to process their grief. Anger is a natural part of grieving and it will hopefully pass as she processes her grief more. I think the best thing to do is just steer clear of her for now. Don't respond. Hopefully common sense will return. Just remember that she may not be thinking rationally and probably doesn't mean what she is saying right now. Give it more time. Heal. My deepest condolences to you.

I'm sorry you had to receive that while you're also grieving.

Grief makes people say hurtful and crazy things. If you had a great relationship with your sister, try to address this and get through it. If not, this is just poison you don't need to drink. I'd reply something like, "I'm am grieving for the loss of daddy, too. I'm praying (hoping) that we will all get through it, each in our own way." Leave it at that. Why engage? You're just leaving yourself open for further attack.

Please just give it time.....a lot of time.

I know, this will not make you feel better, but problems among siblings are common when a parent has to go into a facility and/or serious medical decisions need to be made, and/or a parent passes away -- whether naturally or by removing life support.

Sometimes it's about grief --- and how grief affects someone----sometimes it's about feeling badly because the relationship with that parent was not a good one, sometimes it's about a dependency on that parent that the rest of the family did not even know about (financial or emotional), sometimes it's about not being the sibling that had the legal authorities, and sometimes it's about money. And, yeah....could be other reasons. Could also be that your sister has kept quiet about negative feelings toward you for some reason that you did not know about before. And, yeah, maybe, as you say, she is unstable.

Point is: Anything is possible, but please do not make yourself sick trying to figure it out or fix it.

It could take a year, or few years, to resurrect a formerly good relationship with your sister. And, truthfully, it may not happen. Never be the same.

Maybe just do this:

Even if she does not respond back to you, still acknowledge her birthday and whatever other events pertain, like a wedding anniversary, or her childrens' or grandchildrens' birthdays, or any graduations, or whatever religious holidays she observes. Unless she blocks you, even a text is better than nothing. And, don't expect any response and do not say anything negative if you do not get a response. Okay? Can you do that?

Try not to take what your sister said personally. As others have pointed out, people become irrational and express their grief in odd ways.
I was the primary caregiver for both my parents. I did the best I could and after they both passed, I got on with my life.
I came from a large family of ten children which literally almost fell apart after my father passed on due to pettiness and bickering.
Since I had to process my own grief, I didn't want to deal with them and advised them I wanted two sentimental items from the estate and then, would have no further part in what they did.
Odd, but they came to their senses and stopped their nonsense. We settled the estate in an amicable and orderly fashion. (I had prepared to distance myself from them.) Now, we are a close family once again. My parents would be happy.
However, had they continued with the pettiness -- who knows -- I might not be talking with any of them but I am certain that I would have continued living my life to the fullest with or without them.
I took care of my parents for them -- my mother and father -- not for my family.

I am so sorry for your loss and the way you’ve been treated. I’m sure I’ll be dealing with the same upon my dad’s passing or anything else that happens, despite all of my efforts. Our siblings are who they are, and we are who we are, and that will never change. I’m sure this isn’t the first time this sibling has said mean things out of spite, ignorance, jealousy, guilt, etc. Just remember, that’s why we were chosen to take care of everything and not them.
I would block this sibling, surround yourself with supportive people and allow yourself time to grieve.
Take care and God bless you.

DiDaDo123456...
To your comment about "feelers and doer's"
When I was caring for my Husband I always said that I hoped to make the right decisions when the time came but I am "ruled" by 2 major organs in my body. My Heart and my Brain and that I would hope that my Brain would win over my Heart as I knew that would be the right thing to do.
To "try everything to keep someone alive" is selfish. My brain knew that but the thought of loosing the love of my life was like a knife through my heart.
So I know the feeler and doer from both sides and in one person. I am sure we are all have the feeler and doer in us. It is a matter of what one is going to "win" in making the decisions that have to be made.

Your sister sounds mentally unstable and immature. She will always be your sister but that does not mean you have to like her or spend time with her.

We don't choose our family but we do choose our friends. Surround yourself with people who you know care about you.

My husband's relationship with his oldest brother has changed dramatically since my husband became POA both medical and financial. It changed again since my MIL died. He now sees his brother for who he really is: often thoughtless, mostly self-absorbed, emotionally distant, and an alcoholic.

I wonder if his pain was eased as he was dying. We did that for my Mom and a good friend did that for her Dad. It made sense for my Mom, she couldn't get better (a blood blockage prevented healing of a growing wound). There may be a question in some legalities about that, but if someone is in pain and you keep feeding them what they need to literally put them out of their misery, who could possibly argue with that? My friend's Dad was different, it sounded to me like they may have jumped the gun, I don't know. He was tortured by his mental deterioration and I believe they sedated him too heavily on purpose. They felt that was his wish. Not my call. When you spoke of your Dad's death you said he died specifically from his stomach condition. This may have been painful. If so, not much can be done now, and since it was under doctor's orders, if there were any blame, it would be theirs. If that is the case, you might echo your brother's thoughts of how did we let that happen? He may not understand that by leaving you to deal with it he has no right to criticize. He may also not realize you are also tortured by the thought of your Dad's pain. Maybe if you could help him understand the steps that led to the decision that would help. I suspect that your brother may be beyond approach and perhaps you can be thankful that you don't need to deal with him unless you choose to. Your Dad is lucky in heaven to have left kids who love him so much.

I should add that years later, there were many many medical errors that had we been thinking clearly, could have been prevented. Too late we see this, and blatent medical malpractice was overlooked and unaddressed. Under the duress of the end of someone you love's life, we are lucky to survive with our pride intact.

You state that “We all agreed.”
I am assuming that means her too. If she did, remind her
everyone agreed.
If she was not in on the decision, remind her as medical POA, you made an informed decision w doctor i put.
People respond to grief in many different ways. She definitely is not acting appropriately. Your sister’s attitude may improve w time.
Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father.

The real cruelty, in my opinion, is allowing a person to CONTINUE to suffer, to CONTINUE having surgeries, to CONTINUE with extreme measures to prolong their lives when they're destined to pass soon anyway. When is enough enough? When your dad had a second intestinal blockage and surgery was not recommended........then it was enough, hospice was called in to keep him comfortable until God was ready to take him home. You did the right thing, your sister did the wrong thing. How selfish of her to put the blame on you for having hospice help him stay comfortable. Tell her you will take all the blame, that's fine, but please stop the communication unless she has something nice to say. How despicable of her.

Sending you a big hug for your bravery and courage in the face of such a tough situation, my friend.

I can say been there done that. So sorry for your loss, I know that when there is turmoil around the time of death it hardly gives you time to grieve so Hugs to you I hope you find comfort. As for your Sister, what I have learned. There is there was no right answer as we are not in charge God is. There was a plan for your loved one always and the choice was never your's or Their's. You could have had the best care, the best doctors the best nurse, the best meds. But, our fate is written and no one has control. So, for example had to done it different the outcome is the same for our time on earth is up when the higher power says so not you not a piece of paper. It's what I have learned and I know and in time your sister will realize it too. But for now, just steer clear for their anger does not help your health or your emotional state. Take this time for yourself to grieve. So sorry for your loss. In the end all that matters was you loved your loved one you know that and they knew it nothing more needs to be said.