My sister won't let my mother move into a retirement home. She is tormenting my mother and me for putting down a deposit on a place.

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My wonderful father passed away in April. My mother, who is 93, relied on him for everything. He took care of the finances and even did the laundry and made the bed. My sister stayed for 4 months and "took care of" my mother. She did do a great job with all of the clerical work involved when somebody passes away. However, she did not do a good job taking care of my mother. My mother is extremely difficult and was not nice to me at all growing up (and still is not). Long story short, I am a teacher and came down to Florida from NYC for three weeks to stay with my mother. I did not want to but felt it was the right thing to do (I was ready to give up my job and come down for my father because he was so wonderful, but she truly hates me). My sister has no job so she was able to stay, and now she went back to NYC for these 3 weeks. All along we have been looking at Independent Living Places as an option for my mother. One of the ones we saw when I came was perfect for her in many ways. When my sister was here my mother called me crying every day about how mean my sister was and how she wanted her to leave. I believe my sister is bipolar though she is undiagnosed. Her current neighbors have been coming up to me separately telling me tales of how my sister is not looking out for my mother in many ways (making her walk places etc.). My mother put the deposit down on this place and my sister went ballistic. She called the place and harassed them. She leaves harassing messages on the answering machine - she told my mother that she has a lawyer and that my mother will be dead within a month if she moves to this place. She does not explain herself, nor does she offer any other solution for my mother. My mother is afraid of her and does not tell her how she really feels. My sister said she is coming down Monday. She won't stay how long she is staying. I want to leave so badly, but I planned to help my mother pack and move and do all of the work involved. I cannot stay here with my sister here. My mother plans on taking my sister to see the place to get her approval, but I guarantee you my sister will make trouble when she goes there. My sister will not talk with a mediator. My mother is afraid to move without my sister's approval. I am sick all of the time dealing with my nasty/ crazy mother and sister. What can I do?

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You say you are eager to get home, my question is why. If you are concerned about your mother, why are you so eager to leave? If neighbors are telling you things, are you confirming them? When you say nasty/crazy, is this about you being in control or about you really caring. It seems like you aren't interested in being a caregiver and this is a caregiver forum so this may not be the right place for you. This is for people who care about others. If you feel the obligation to your dad, he is gone so there isn't an obligation. If you were mistreated all your life, why haven't you moved on and gotten a new family of your own?
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FrazzledMama Aug 15, 2018
I think you accidentally posted this comment to the wrong thread :) I was reading and then I scrolled up to the top and realized this was your post.
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Wishing you luck
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Give it one more time to help mom, if she is still mean, say a prayer, wish her well and leave.
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anonymous832933 Aug 11, 2018
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I have decided to stay and move her and go ahead with all of the planning. Wish me luck, I'll need it.
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Thanks so much. All input is helpful. Right now nobody has POA. We are all co-trustees for my mother's finances but nobody has POA for anything else. I called a lawyer and told my mother that she needs to appoint someone POA. I am the only logical one, but she is afraid of angering my sister. I told her to appoint my sister but she doesn't want to. Frustrating with her. I am waiting to see what my sister will do when she comes on Monday and if it is not good (as I expect) then I will have to get an attorney. I wish I didn't have such high morals or I would leave right now.
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Ahmijoy Aug 10, 2018
I’m wondering if your sister was ever abusive to your mother? This fear of your mother’s is concerning. You should get an attorney no matter what. The situation is headed that way. The attorney will speak frankly with your mother and tell her she needs to appoint a POA. Sometimes hearing it from a stranger is what they need. Also, I’m not so sure I’d leave mom unsupervised with your sister. Something seems to be going on there.
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If Mom does not have Dementia/ALZ, then she is capable of making her own decisions. If sister comes and starts trouble and is threatening, call the police. You may want to do this to escort Mom to her new home.
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FrazzledMama Aug 10, 2018
I agree with the police escort. It sounds like your mom has found a place she likes, put the deposit down, and wants to live there. If she is of sound mind, then this is her decision, a good one too it sounds like.

On moving day, arrange for an officer to escort your mom there, and alert them to the situation in the event that sister starts making threats or trouble. A restraining order may even be wise should the threats and trouble continue.
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I agree with the essence of what Joy is saying, but I'd help mom find a lawyer, or at least get her the contact info for one.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Does anyone have POA for mom? If you do, I’d recuse myself. So Mom was constantly in tears about how your sister was treating her and she wanted her to leave. But now, she’s insisting on your sister’s approval for the facility. Unbidden, Sister is harassing the facility for no reason. So, it’s a given that sister has mental issues. And, Mom may have mental issues as well. You say Mom hates you and always has but you don’t say why. You’ve tried to “save the day” but it’s not working. One day Mom is sobbing about sister’s treatment. Sister is threatening her that she will be dead within a month if she dares defy her and moves. The next day sister is the golden child.

Can I tell you what I would do? I’d go home and leave them to figure it out, even with their love/hate relationship. If sister doesn’t want mom to go to the facility mom chose, then let sister take care of mom full-time. Apparently, they deserve each other. Your dear father is gone, God rest his soul. A sense of obligation to him should not be a reason for you to ha e to put up with this stress. You don’t need to carry on his legacy by toting and fetching for a woman you say hates you and another who is losing her grip on reality. Go back to your home and your job. Let sister and mom pack. If the caller ID comes up as one of them, only answer if you feel like it and even then, think twice.
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anonymous832933 Aug 10, 2018
I really appreciate your input. My sister is coming Monday and I really cannot be here. My mother has never been a good mother to me and she definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My sister definitely may have contributed to my father's demise. He wasn't fully in the car and she started driving and broke his arm. He was frail as it was and then had to have surgery for his arm. She is careless like that. She now says she is coming down Monday and will look at the place but will not let my mother move yet until she spends some time there. I want so badly to leave and let my sister take over. I don't know when I can get my mother to an attorney if my sister comes on Monday. I am now deciding if I should stay here for a few days after Monday or just leave. I would have to stay someplace else though as I cannot be around all the abuse. People in my life (I've never married) all are very concerned about me as this is so unhealthy for me mentally and physically.
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Find an eldercare attorney. Take your mom to see her/him and get advice on how your mother can have her rights protected.
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anonymous832933 Aug 11, 2018
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I have decided to stay and move her and go ahead with all of the planning. Wish me luck, I'll need it.
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