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My parents live at home and my sister moved in with them. She is their caregiver. She complains about my 3 brothers not helping, behind their backs, so I'm sure she does to them about me as well. I live in a town not far away, so I could help. Another brother is in town. 2 others are far away. And when I ask her to let me know whenever she needs help, she shuts me out. Now Mom is in a nursing home temporarily for rehab on her hip.
I know from working in a nursing home that there are family meetings... something I have asked if we could all have for months, as my parents are not getting any better with their various health issues... and I know there will be an opportunity to have that at the "home" and I want to be informed when one happens, but right now things are so bad communications-wise that I don't know if anyone will inform anyone of this.
I am hurt and angry and confused and don't know what to do. It wakes me up at night. I dread seeing my sister anymore and feel her controlling ways are out of hand now.
Has anyone been through this? What did you do? What works?

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Your answer really helps, thank you. And maybe I will have to just accept what it is and keep on visiting with no resolution otherwise. I have no interest in any monetary gain or inheritance in this matter. I do want my parents to know that I love them. And I do not want to go off the deep end myself, so thank goodness for the internet, this forum, and people like you. I have friends who are supportive, but they haven't really been through anything like this. Thanks again.
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One additional caution: watch your six! You never know what this sister will do to prove her point and accomplish her agenda, whatever that is.
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My relatives went through a similar situation. Manipulative, controlling, emotionally unstable daughter moved in with parents and took control over them and their finances, including up to their deaths.

Same situation - "no one helps me" was the constant refrain, but help was accepted only when it suited her; she wanted to orchestrate the entire situation. At other times she refused help and played the martyr.

This is a hard situation because if the controlling daughter has her own agenda, she's going to manipulate the situation and everyone involved to accomplish that agenda. This can become a vendetta, especially against the siblings who she feels are not cooperating. She really wants to build a case that she's the sole person who cares enough about the parents to take care of them, but she's probably subconsciously retaliating against the siblings for some perceived wrongs over the years.

She may also need the pity she gets from others outside the family. Some people just thrive on this kind of pity.

Honestly, we never found a solution. We eventually accepted that the caregiver daughter was emotionally ill, insisted on seeing our relatives, but severed all contact with her after her parents died.

I say this not to suggest that there aren't any alternatives; but it is hard when someone is on a pity party trip, wants to hog the caregiving tasks but also wants to be pitied. There's obviously some dysfunction but we never figured out how to deal with it.

One thing that did happen was that the emotionally unstable caregiver eventually monopolized and manipulated to acquire total physical and financial control, perpetuated lies against her sibling and sibling's family, and sought to publicize those lies to gain more pity, not to mention cheating her sibling out of her inheritance.

It's really a tough situation; I wish I knew what to suggest but I don't, although I did want to let you know you're not alone. These vendettas, is that's what it is with your sister, are psychologically complex and if the perpetrator won't get help, I don't know what kind of intervention would work.
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My parents okayed it when she asked them/told them she could help them (she has.. I'm not saying she hasn't). I have no idea if she wants the house. She does make enough money on her own, I think. My brother has POA. We have never had a family meeting, which is something I really have wished we could have and have asked for repeatedly. However, the dysfunction in our family stems a lot from growing up with an alcoholic Dad and depressed Mom, and the trust levels among us are piss poor, feelings are discounted or denied, and everything keeps falling apart.
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The story is similar to others, though, in that "she moved in with mom and dad." It could be that she wants the house. Did your folks ask her to move in? Who is POA for health care?
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This was her choice. I know it's not what usually happens. I have said I am happy to help, just let me know when, and then she'll say "I'm here, I can do it" and then say how hard it is, and THEN say she wishes my brothers would do more. For awhile I thought there must be something wrong with ME that she wasn't asking... but I worked in a nursing home for years (and knew what I was doing!)
She does have a controlling personality. I have tried talking with her but she denies or turns around what I'm trying to say, and I am now beyond frustrated.
Mom and Dad do need someone there, but when I ask about seeking outside help, she says "Why? I'm there!" The "best" answer I've ever gotten from her is "Just do what you want, I don't care."
This has gone on for months.
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this is unusual here as its usually siblings wont help out! Why wouldnt your sister want you to help out dosnt make sense?

can you arrange to meet her somewhere else have a coffee and ask her what is going on with her?

Who decided that she would be the main caregiver was this her choice? i have to say this is unusual unless shes a control freak?
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