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She is constantly accusing me of things with no foundation. Alienating my mother with dementia Alzheimer's and delerium from her friends and getting angry with my mother. This is causing me huge emotional stress and I am lost as what to do. I don't know where to go from here? Please could you let me know what to do in a situation where a POA is being irrational.

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Mary, just read ur last response. Could Mom be playing you against your sister? Mom is telling you one thing and telling sister another? Thats why all the weird accusations? If this could be the problem, you all need to get together.
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Thanks for your reply. Sorry it is unclear but I couldn't find another category for me . From what I could see there wasn't a family member category. I was just wondering if there is a procedure to go through and who to go to when a POA is being very difficult and aggressive on her emails to my brother and I, but mostly me. I have tried to make a complaint to the lawyer who represents my mother but he seems to not care and just says it is sibling stuff and we need to sort it out between us. My sister tried to stop me from going to a medical meeting saying it was just for her the POA (medical) while I was overseas visiting my mother saying it was just for her, but I insisted I can go because I am a family member. She tried to continue to stop me but I said I was invited and went anyway and then she didn't turn up herself. She is very controlling and is not giving medical information about my Mother very much and is making all the decisions without discussing it with other family members. We are trying to help from being far away and have our jobs, but she is still very difficult. The emails are getting ruder and ruder and I feel that she needs to be under some guidelines of communication since she is POA, Medical. I was just wondering if anyone else has had this problem and what they did.
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JoAnn29 Aug 18, 2018
Still confused, sorry. Are Mom and sister overseas and you are in the states?

So lets say sister is with Mom in another country with POA. She has all the responsibility, While you two do whatever you want miles away. Yes, I see no reason why you can't be told how Mom is doing. Are your conversations telling her what she should be doing? She is POA. You can suggest but she is there and has the final decision. If she doesn't ask for input, don't give her any.

She really doesn't need to discuss her decisions with you, she is the POA. I didn't discuss anything with my brothers. I was the one handling the money and dealing with all the caregiver stuff. They weren't here to help with Moms caregiving 24/7. I told them when I placed her in an AL and then a NH. They weren't here for her decline.

Why would she accuse you of stuff miles away. With POA your sister is fully in charge. She is the one who determines who can receive Moms medical info. Maybe she is overcontrolling but she is the one dealing with it all. If you haven't been there, you have no idea what is involved in Moms care, Even when in an AL or NH you as POA still have responsibilities. Maybe sister needs a break. Would like to have a vacation.

No, the lawyer can't do anything about her accusations. But I would think he could tell her its in the best interest to Mom, to keep both of you up to date on her health. He can explain what her duties are as a POA. Alienating people is not one of them.
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I am a little confused. Your profile says your taking care of Mom in her home. Then you say sister is POA "overseas". So I am assuming sister is in another country trying to controll things long distance? But your the main caregiver?

Before you can get the correct info, we need more info.
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MaryMSmith Aug 19, 2018
Thank you JoAnn for your input on your experience and role of POA.
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I would print copies of these e-mails that your sister is sending to you and take them to a lawyer to see what can be done. If possible, I would find the lawyer who wrote up the POA and see him or her about these e-mails.
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MaryMSmith Aug 19, 2018
Thank you for your reply. I will try to contact the lawyer again regarding the situation.
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I'd likely confirm what you believe that the POA is doing improperly. If you are relying on the word of your mother, who has dementia, I'd get independent confirmation. Sometimes, people with dementia get confused and may mistake what they are being told. If you know that the POA is not serving correctly, I'd consult with an attorney in your mother's jurisdiction to explore the options. It might good if you had a copy of the document that this POA is using as her authority.
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MaryMSmith Aug 19, 2018
Yes, I understand a lot of allowances need to be made for the information I get from my mother. That is a good idea to get a copy of the document for the POA and their role. I appreciate your response. Thank you.
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