Have you discussed your worries with your sister (in-law)? Not 'I think you have some signs of dementia' of course, but a softer "I"ve noticed ..... this is a bit different for you so I was a little concerned. Is there anything you need help with?"
Kind of like an R U OK day check in?
I do think get a medical checkup can be a good idea in many cases, especially to rule other things out. But you could park that idea further down the road.
For now, listen to your SIL & ask questions. There may be ways to help that come from that.
Eg I just can't be bothered to cook these days.. may open the way to discussing & researching some meal delivery options.
Maybe you could accept that you are not your sister's chosen POA, confidant, or next-of-kin, especially if she is your sister-in-law, or a sister close to your own age.
People in general choose those close to them who are younger and more able to provide caregiving and advice. It is not that ages over 70 are that old. The person you choose to give concern and care for must choose you.
Starting out with intentions to go behind her back to talk to her doctor does not lend itself to gaining her trust.
Stand by, back off a bit, be there for her when and if it becomes an unsafe circumstance.
You mention in your profile that it is your Sister In Law that is showing signs of dementia. Yet in your question it is your sister you are asking about. If it is your SIL that you are concerned about then it should be her husband that you can talk to. If your brother is no longer in the picture either through death or divorce you do not have much to say in the matter. You can bring the matter up but if she refuses to talk to you that is as far as you can and should go. If she has any siblings or children you could talk to them. If it is your sister you can calmly bring up the subject but if she is resistant to discussing it you have to let it go. That all said if either of these people have POA's that have been appointed and you know who they are you could bring the concern up to the POA but again once you bring up the subject leave it alone. All that above said..if you are concerned for their safety and no one is taking care of them you can report to APS your concern that there is a "vulnerable" senior. Now you do mention that your SIL is living in Assisted Living if this is the case if there are concerns there is the possibility that the director of the facility has brought this up to your SIL and or her family. Due to HIPAA regulations unless you are listed as a person that can get information it is not legal for anyone to discuss any medical condition with you.
You could say ' I would Like to go to the doctors with you and become your Health care Proxy in case anything Happens to you Because I am concerned for your safety . " Its best to get to a doctor before a ER Visit . People dont Pick up On the dementia till Falls Happen .
Leave sister alone and stay out of the way. You can't do anything for her if she won't let you. And if she won't let you, consider yourself lucky.
Taking on the care of someone with dementia is life-changing and difficult. Surely she has someone listed as POA, MPOA or next-of-kin at her doctor's office. If there's something you need to know, you'll hear from them.
Hypothesis: you're trying to get a dementia diagnosis, so your sister can be forced into a nursing home. Your sister knows this, doesn't want this and for this reason doesn't want to tell you the name of her doctor.
I hope you can hire in-home care for her. There's nothing one can do against dementia. Your sister shouldn't take medicine against dementia. It doesn't help.
How would you respond if even a close family member asked for your doctor's telephone number?
And then either you've told her why - "'cos you're losing your marbles, love" - which actually kind of makes it *worse.* (Or you've lied to her, which is worse again.)
Or you haven't told her why, in which case why on earth would she?
I'm also not quite sure what you want to speak to the doctor about, but in any case as to what you should do - it depends what's happening, but there are lots of options. What are your concerns about your sister?
I had an aquaintance that refused to share her hairdresser's name and phone number. Her color was amazing! Many years later, I did ask again. She confided that he made her promise never to tell who did her hair because she would style it like in high school, and add bows in her hair, and at her age!
If you are neither her PoA nor Medical Representative, you have no legal power to get/give info to her doctor.
You can try a therapeutic fib, telling her that Medicare pays for a free annual check-up (by a certain date). You can tell that you'll make an appointment for her as well as yourself, or offer to drive her to her appointment. If you can get this far with her, then go with a pre-written note that you will discretely hand to the check-in persono, nurse or doctor. It should explain who you are and that your sister is showing signs of cognitive/memory prroblems. Request a cognitive exam and test for UTI. The staff is happy to accommodate this -- it won't be their first time playing along.
Before leaving the appoinitment make sure to ask for the Medical Representative form (a HIPAA form). Have your sister tto write in your name and then she signs it and gives it back to the check-in rep. Then you can converse with this specific doctor without your sister needing to be present.
If your sister is getting resistant to things in general, don't fight her. Make a gentle case as to why it's important to have a PoA or MR. Tell her you have one yourself (and hopefully this is true). "What if you had a medical emergency and couldn't speak because you became unconscious?" Give her examples like this. It may or may not work.
Kind of like an R U OK day check in?
I do think get a medical checkup can be a good idea in many cases, especially to rule other things out. But you could park that idea further down the road.
For now, listen to your SIL & ask questions. There may be ways to help that come from that.
Eg I just can't be bothered to cook these days.. may open the way to discussing & researching some meal delivery options.
or next-of-kin, especially if she is your sister-in-law, or a sister close to your own age.
People in general choose those close to them who are younger and more able to provide caregiving and advice. It is not that ages over 70 are that old.
The person you choose to give concern and care for must choose you.
Starting out with intentions to go behind her back to talk to her doctor does not lend itself to gaining her trust.
Stand by, back off a bit, be there for her when and if it becomes an unsafe circumstance.
Until then, do nothing.
If it is your SIL that you are concerned about then it should be her husband that you can talk to. If your brother is no longer in the picture either through death or divorce you do not have much to say in the matter. You can bring the matter up but if she refuses to talk to you that is as far as you can and should go. If she has any siblings or children you could talk to them.
If it is your sister you can calmly bring up the subject but if she is resistant to discussing it you have to let it go.
That all said if either of these people have POA's that have been appointed and you know who they are you could bring the concern up to the POA but again once you bring up the subject leave it alone.
All that above said..if you are concerned for their safety and no one is taking care of them you can report to APS your concern that there is a "vulnerable" senior.
Now you do mention that your SIL is living in Assisted Living if this is the case if there are concerns there is the possibility that the director of the facility has brought this up to your SIL and or her family.
Due to HIPAA regulations unless you are listed as a person that can get information it is not legal for anyone to discuss any medical condition with you.
Taking on the care of someone with dementia is life-changing and difficult. Surely she has someone listed as POA, MPOA or next-of-kin at her doctor's office. If there's something you need to know, you'll hear from them.
I hope you can hire in-home care for her. There's nothing one can do against dementia. Your sister shouldn't take medicine against dementia. It doesn't help.
How would you respond if even a close family member asked for your doctor's telephone number?
And then either you've told her why - "'cos you're losing your marbles, love" - which actually kind of makes it *worse.* (Or you've lied to her, which is worse again.)
Or you haven't told her why, in which case why on earth would she?
I'm also not quite sure what you want to speak to the doctor about, but in any case as to what you should do - it depends what's happening, but there are lots of options. What are your concerns about your sister?
Many years later, I did ask again. She confided that he made her promise never to tell who did her hair because she would style it like in high school, and add bows in her hair, and at her age!
It is a very personal thing.
Your answer reminded me Countrymouse.
You can try a therapeutic fib, telling her that Medicare pays for a free annual check-up (by a certain date). You can tell that you'll make an appointment for her as well as yourself, or offer to drive her to her appointment. If you can get this far with her, then go with a pre-written note that you will discretely hand to the check-in persono, nurse or doctor. It should explain who you are and that your sister is showing signs of cognitive/memory prroblems. Request a cognitive exam and test for UTI. The staff is happy to accommodate this -- it won't be their first time playing along.
Before leaving the appoinitment make sure to ask for the Medical Representative form (a HIPAA form). Have your sister tto write in your name and then she signs it and gives it back to the check-in rep. Then you can converse with this specific doctor without your sister needing to be present.
If your sister is getting resistant to things in general, don't fight her. Make a gentle case as to why it's important to have a PoA or MR. Tell her you have one yourself (and hopefully this is true). "What if you had a medical emergency and couldn't speak because you became unconscious?" Give her examples like this. It may or may not work.