He is on hospice, which can be done at home. They are doing nothing at nursing home that we can't do at home. She just doesn't want to be caregiver which I can do & have hired people to help. I want to take him home with only days to live. How can I with her refusing? Do I have time to get POA revoked? I have witnesses family and non family that will sign saying they knew him to say he wanted to die at home.

Find Care & Housing
I hear the pain in your words and I am sorry that this family dissent is occupying your mind during Dad’s last days. Take a breath and think about what moving him to your home will involve. Goes without saying that he will require around the clock care. Ok, you probably can do that with help. Would you have help? What if Dad rallies and is around for more than “a few days”? Sometimes in the heat of the moment, people promise they will help...and then disappear. Do you have a job? Can you take an indefinite leave? Do you have family you must also care for?

Moving Dad from Hospice could be very traumatic for all involved, especially him. If he is on IV’s or oxygen, all those supplies will need to be moved. That includes his hospital bed and anything else he requires. Home Hospice Care will need to be set up. Medical transport will have to be arranged. All this takes time. While you are arguing with your sister and trying to get Dad moved and your home set up, you will be missing the chance to spend precious time with your father. I’m sure Dad is attached to his home, but it’s just a building, really. Right now, he’s more attached to you.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Makinmecrazy May 5, 2019
I did take care of my mother on hospice at home with bi pap machine. She had cancer. My dad has no machines and has dementia, & kidney disease. We have had hired help during the day while we work for 2 years and my brother, sister and I took turns staying in his home at night. He is really a lot less maintenance than my mom. And I wish that I could honor his final wishes. I have begged but not argued with my sister and actually am the only one spending any significant amount of time with him. The only one that has spent the night every night in 10 days so far & 30 minutes from where we live. My job will allow me to take leave also. I'm just hurt that she would do this and sorry that I can't do anything about it. I'm just spending every minute I can with him but missing my family because I'm not home. If he was home I could care for both.
If your father is competent he can do as he wishes. If he is incompetent then his POA is the decision maker. The legal system cares mostly about your father being safe and receiving adequate care. The court is highly unlikely to overturn your father's POA on the basis that he has expressed a wish to die at home.

I suggest you stop arguing with your sister the POA and concentrate on making your father's end of life more pleasant. Decorate his room with some photos or knickknacks from his home, visit and talk with him about past good times or family members, rub lotion on his arms and legs, etc. Maybe bring his siblings or cousins for a visit if they are old enough to have transportation challenges.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to TNtechie

This is a very difficult time and a legal struggle won’t serve any productive purpose. (It will drive your family apart).

Go stay near your Dad and give him the love and support you would give him if he were in your home. You can even probably sleep in his room if you want.

(When you need a full night’s sleep, however, you can go home and rest).

This is is such an emotionally difficult time. The physical labor required is backbreaking. Enjoy being with your Dad and appreciate —1. The fact that you are not caring for him in your home is not your fault, and 2. The “being together” is the important thing. (The location is secondary).
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to ACaringDaughter

That is one of the major issues in families. The one that is single with no children to provide care for is often assumed that they have the time and energy and fortitude and compassion and patience and perseverance, and it goes on and on, to provide the care. It is called taking advantage of a sibling. Of course, they become resentful and eventually will do what they need to in order to take care of themselves. I cannot imagine working a full day on a job to come home and continue to work at a thankless job of caring for an aging parent.

Enjoy your dad where he is while you can.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to gladimhere

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately you can’t have have the POA revoked. The only way you can undermine your sister is if you seek guardianship and there isn’t enough time for that. Have you ever taken care of a hospice patient during their final days? Do you have any idea who physically and emotionally taxing it is? Do you have idea how much round the clock home care costs? What matters here is that your dad is being taken care of and kept comfortable. Focus on the time you have left and spend it with your dad.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to worriedinCali

Makinmecrazy, my heart goes out to you and I understand your emotions but I think perhaps your emotions are clouding your reason because you are so close to the care giving situation. Of course you want to carry out your dad's wishes as best you possibly can and that can be very hard when every situation contingency hasn't been planned out ahead of time which of course is almost impossible. But perhaps making your sister POA was his way of planning for unforeseen events, he knew she could make this decision and was worried your heart couldn't. I doubt your dad wanted you or your son caring for him 24/7 rather than being free to know he is well cared for and just be with him when you visit while still attending to your life, under these circumstances. As you well know caring for someone who can't do anything for themselves including speak is a big job and there comes a point, which we as caregivers may not recognize, when the care giving drowns out the special time if you know what I mean. It sounds to me like your sister recognizes that it has reached that point and is trying to protect the opportunity for everyone including dad to get as much of that special time as possible before he passes, I think she is trying to take care of you as well as Dad to the best of her ability on behalf of dad which is her job as POA even though you don't agree and right or wrong that is a brave, strong, loving thing to do.

Let me ask, do you think dad is aware of his surroundings? Might he simply be aware that his needs are being cared for and perhaps that his family is around him? Isn't that "home" in the end, the loving arms of family? I hope you can find a way to get past this, even if you can't get to accepting this as perhaps the better situation it sounds like spending so much time and energy trying to change things now will only take away from the opportunity to just send time with him now without having to worry about anything other than that. I do understand where you are coming from and how difficult this is but my guess is the last thing dad wants is for you and your sister to be fighting too, I bet given the choice he would choose to pass where he is over leaving his children at odds with each other over him.

Sending good energy and love to all of you at this time.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Lymie61
cherokeegrrl54 May 7, 2019
Some very wise words..... thank you!
Makinmecrazy, there are time when one's wishes need to be changed due to changes in care. How many times I have read where a family promise their parents they would never put them into a nursing facility.

There comes a point when it can take a whole village to care for one person, even during hospice care. There is a lot involved with hospice, and with hospice and a nursing home comes experience which the family caregivers do not have.

Now, time to work as a team with your sister. One doesn't just decide on a moment's notice to move Dad into a nursing home, your sister had very good reasons for doing this. Finding out why may clear your head, and you may find yourself agreeing with her.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to freqflyer
Makinmecrazy May 6, 2019
Her simple reply to me when I ask why was so we would not have to be round the clock caregivers. I told her my son and i would do every night she would not have to and we still are paying sitters every day even in nursing home. And I and my son are the only ones staying at night.
Ok sit with down with a piece of paper, make a t square. One side is pro one side is con. What are the benefits versus the negatives.

This is very very difficult for all if us. Your parent is most likely not going to be lazarus. Hard to accept, but very true.

I don't mean to be unkind, but I do mean to be realistic. Take care if yourself. Peace to to, your Dad. You will make it through this. We will help you. Take care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Segoline

If you have only days left to share with your father, you don't want to waste any of that time fighting your sister. What's important to him now is comfort and love from all of you. Let the NH do the spadework while you focus just on him.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Countrymouse

Bring his favorite chair, blanket from his home. Set it up at hospice.
A picture on the wall?

Definition: Resign oneself
accept that something undesirable cannot be avoided.
synonyms: reconcile oneself to, become resigned to, become reconciled to, have no choice but to accept, come to terms with, learn to live with, get used to the idea of; give in to the inevitable, grin and bear it
"we resigned ourselves to a long wait"
patient, long-suffering, uncomplaining, forbearing, tolerant, stoical, philosophical, unprotesting, reconciled, fatalistic;
acquiescent, compliant, unresisting, nonresistant, passive, submissive, subdued, docile, phlegmatic;

You can do this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Sendhelp

See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter