My sister, the executor, does not communicate with me. I was the sole caregiver for my Father for 2 years. She came up with the plan that we would care for Daddy 50/50...I would be the caregiver for Daddy in my home for 6 months, then she would care for Daddy in her home for 6 months. That way we could each have a break to see our adult children who all live out of state and to get some rest from caregiving. I agreed, especially since I was already exhausted emotionally, physically and financially as being the sole caregiver for my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law for 9 years in my home. They both passed in Jan,2014. I had a short break, then Daddy came to live with me in June,2014. I cared for him, as agreed, for my 6 months. Then it was my sisters turn to care for Daddy in her home, 30 minutes from my home. We all lived in the same city in Alabama. She refused to do her part...she said, "it was unfair to me and felt guilty, but she couldn't do it." So, I cared for my Daddy for 2 years, 24/7 without her help or support. She didn't stay true to her commitment.
- I still have her committment in a message on my computer
-she also, did not provide for his care financially on a 50/50 basis as agreed upon. I still have my receipts for the thousands of $ that I spent.
Not only did she not provide care or money, but was verbally abusive to me:
-3 ugly letters she sent by mail to me during the 2 years...I still have them...never even mentioned them to her
-ugly phone calls from her
-lies and accusations told to family and friends about me that I found out about
- she, husband, her children and her friends did not speak to us at the funeral.
My husband I felt like "Funeral Crashers"
-she had a professional photographer come and take pictures of the Military funeral,
but did not include us in the pictures
-most of all...her disrespect to our Father
I always said she was welcome to come visit or call Daddy anytime and would always keep her informed if Daddy got worse...and I did... until the day he passed away. I called at 4:00am to let her know he had passed and she was welcome to come over and say her goodbyes. She and husband came, did not speak to us when we opened the door for them. Left without telling us they were leaving. The cameras we had set up in Daddy's part of our house were still on and several days later we remembered and looked through the videos. It shows my sister, not shedding one tear and my brother in law walking right passed Daddy's bed, never looked at him or said a word...just went and sat in a chair as far away as he could be from Daddy.
-I covered for her for not coming to see Daddy...came on rare occasions...because I didn't want him to know how she was treating him and me...but he knew...he told the Hospice nurse and she told us and how he was so depressed about it.
Question 1: Does my sister owe me monetarily for her half of expenses and caregiving time that she did not do, since I have a written agreement on my computer from her?
Question 2: She is executor, estate has gone through probate...Should I get a Deed showing I own 50% of Daddy's house?
As to the will and the legal aspects of your situation - I “ditto” what Igloos reply says, based on my twice being an executor.
As Igloo said, probate is a closely monitored situation done by a judge in a probate court. There are many checks and balances along the way to ensure the executor can’t pull any funny business. Starting with showing proof to the court that any beneficiaries have been notified regarding their status as such and ending with beneficiaries signing a letter that they have received their inheritance- which must be submitted to the court before probate can be closed.
What happens in between can can take a long time depending on how large and how complicated the estate is. Although, if your fathers only asset was his house than I would think probate not to take more than a year in this case. But it is hard to predict.
As for you and your sister...
Yes, it hurts that when it boils down to it that she is not the person you thought her to be and your relationship is not what you thought it was. And yes, it hurts that your sister was able to turn other friends and relatives against you through her nasty bad-mouthing. But as my Daddy used to say “The dye has been cast”. As hard as it is to swallow - it’s probably best to waste no more time and energy stewing on the “whys” and “how’s” and accept that it is what it is. As another poster said - these people have shown you their true colors- shown you who they really are. Believe them. Do you really need or want people like that in your life?
To me - and I realize my opinion is just that and nothing to you - but... Who’s opinion who really counts - should really means anything to you now - is your fathers. And he knew how very much you loved him and in turn, how very much he loved you. That’s the opinion that matters.
The only one.
Probate - in my experience as Executor 3 times - is very document driven & time sensitive specific. It can be opened and stay in a holding pattern for quite a period of time if need be. Distributions can be partially done & there should be tax paperwork sent out & needed to be completed ahead of any distribution paid. Distribution can put off for years & often are if there’s property or tax or trust issues. If there was a valid will entered and you are a heir in it, you had to be notified in some way. There needed to be some sort of NOC (notice to creditors) posted. If she was named Executor there was a Will filed, determined to be valid & Letters Testamentary issued and signed by judge. But understanding what’s what is not simple. And especially not simple when your are caught up emotionally.
Litigation in probate imho is never ever a DIY, you need to have your own probate attorney who does litigation if you want to get any resolution in this. If it’s been 2 years since his death, you need to meet with an atty ASAP.
I only have an online message about her Plan. Does that count? I doubt if it does.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
You are probably a constant and vivid reminder to your sister that she didn't do what she promised. And the only way to make herself feel better(because she will forever feel guilty about it!) is to tear you down. In any way possible.
Might be best to walk away from her. Maybe time will heal things, but maybe not. Just know that you tried!
When a loved one of mine died... Our county had a way to check into the status of probate, we needed to know the name and case number (not sure if it is that way where you live) but we could read every thing posted /filed. To keep track. And know when the next court date was, etc.
Hang in there. Know that you did do what you promised. And no amount of mudslinging by your sister will EVER change that!!
Hope this helps.
Sparkles
Yes, I can say that I tried to mend the relationship and I cared for our Daddy until the end without her help. It didn't have to be this way. She didn't have to committ to helping me...because, what she didn't know...I would have cared for Daddy until the end of his days anyway...and I did! I loved my Daddy.
It was her committing, not following through and making life miserable for me,by her relentless disrespect to Daddy and me. She and her husband said mean and hateful things about ME...such as, "You don't care about your Daddy..." and many, many other things. But,THEY were the ones that didn't care. The old saying, "Actions speak louder than words". I loved my Daddy and I cared for him until his last breath.
I am just so hurt that after 71 years, that I am just realizing that my sister never cared for me...when I always thought we were so close. She even told me...
"We never got along with each other"
Oh Well...now I know.
"And, this too shall pass."
I just want my half of the inheritance, the house, but she won't sell or buy me out. So I guess I will have to force the sell of the house.
Thank you for your help.
Thank you for responding with this helpful info.
So sorry you are going thru this.
I have a copy of the Will. It states that my sister and I are 50/50 beneficiaries of his Estate which includes his house and contents. Daddy had nothing else...no life insurance, savings or investments...because my younger sister was mentally challenged, married for a few years, had a daughter, divorced and then for the last 40 years lived in Mother and Daddy's home. It took all of my parent's $. I helped them out financially over the years (thousands$), the granddaughter, my niece, lived with my husband and me for 2 years when she was in high school and we never accepted any $ for that because we were family and helping out.So, that's why Daddy had nothing else, even though he worked a full time job until he was 85. We had always been a close family.
My older sister was the POA for many years, even though I paid 50% of the attorney's fee. My name was not added...???, but we were very close back then, even through my caregiving for Daddy in my home for the first 6 months...according to the Caregiving Plan my sister came up with and we both agreed to do. When it was her turn to care for Daddy in her home for 6 months and she refused to do her part, that's when our relationship changed.
I said very politely, "I thought we were in this together, as we both agreed to your Plan". As I stated in my post, she said, "I know it is unfair and I feel so guilty, but I can't do it". She would not give me a reason. I was too stunned to answer. She stormed out of my house.
The next day, I found in my front door, the first of the 3 ugly letters she would write to me. The 1st letter was 4 handwritten pages. I read it, I cried...but I never acknowledged that I even received it. She wrote 2 more ugly letters...all total of 10 ugly pages.
After about 8 months after Daddy passed, I messaged her to ask about status of probate. She responded, "Why do you want to know?" "Because I am 50% beneficiary".
Finally she told me it gone through probate, now she has to get it out of probate. Tens months later...no word from her.
You really need to see an attorney regarding your half of your father’s house. This is legal stuff that needs to be handled by a professional. As far as your sister saying she would pitch in for your father’s care, unless that agreement was also drawn up by an attorney, it probably isn’t worth much.
Most of what your sister has done does not speak well of her moral character. It’s not fair and it stinks, but it’s basically water under the bridge and it does no good to stew over it. You’re just stressing yourself out when you think about it. Eventually and unfortunately, you will wind up like my husband and just have no further contact with your sister.
2 things I did, that gave her the "opportunity", but I do not regret doing either of these 2 things:
1. About 2 months before Daddy passed, I came down with the flu and my husband had just had surgery for breaking 3 bones in his arm. He was in the hospital for 4 days and just returned home. I was wearing a mask while caring for my Daddy to keep him from catching
the flu. Daddy had developed Sundowners and I had not slept for 4 straight days and nights. I went to my sisters house, because I thought surely she would come to give me some relief to get some sleep. She and her husband were so hostile to me...accused me of all kinds of things, said they would not help, told me to get out, as I was leaving, my brother in law said to me ..."You don't care about your Daddy"...and I just lost it (verbally) and said to him...
."You as_h_ l_." Then I left. I don't regret it because, they were the ones who didn't care about Daddy. He deserved it. I loved my Daddy dearly and was the only one caring for him and half dead at this point, when I went and asked for help for a few hours for a couple of days.
2. The next morning, my sister called, I let it go to voicemail, then listened to the hateful message:
"DO NOT bring Daddy to my house!DO not show up in my driveway with him! HE IS NOT TO COME TO MY HOUSE! I will NOT let him in! DO YOU HEAR ME?"
Then she SLAMMED down the receiver. I never responded about that call. I never had any intentions of Daddy going to her house, I had asked her if she would come to my house and watch him while I got some sleep.
But what I did do, after Daddy passed, I told the Funeral Director that I would be the daughter to receive his Flag during Daddy's Military Funeral. I know the etiquette is for the oldest to receive it and I was the middle child, but I was not going to let Daddy's Flag ever go in her house, since she would not let Daddy in her house (as said in her phone message). Her whole family was FURIOUS! She had hired a photographer(!) for the funeral and invited as many friends as she could...."dressed to the nines". She had wanted the photographer to take pics of her receiving Daddy's flag! That didn't happen and she was so infuriated and probably embarrassed in front of her family and friends...the fact that her plan did not go as planned. She just wanted to make a big show for herself.
My younger sister died 3 months later and she did not even tell me she was back in the hospital or that her body had been shutting down for a week. She sent a short text after she died..." sister died at 4:00am"
She told me, she didn't tell me my younger sister was dying because...she didn't get Daddy's flag. To this day, she will not tell me where her remains are.
Later, she told me she was going to give the flag to me after she received it.
Yeah, sure! Of course, I don't and never will believe that!
Sorry this was so long.
I agree with MichaelHarris that unless you have something in writing, that you aren't going to get anything.
This is why the "pay as you go" method is the only way for children to be paid for taking care of their elders (or anyone else). You should have been paid for care, room & board, utilities by your father (and by your in-laws, before that). So many posters on these boards learn this hard way (just as you are learning now).
Is there anything in your father's estate besides the house, which you say was split 50-50 with your sister? Have you ever seen the will?