Follow
Share

My sister is 65 years old and her husband is 66. I know that's not considered aged, but I don't know where else to look for help. I use this site because I take care of our mother who is 87.


Anyway, he has Parkinson's disease and has been doing ok for the past 2 years, but was getting slower. 2 months ago, he had a brain Subarachnoid Hemorrhage and was in the hospital for 3 weeks, then released home as the insurance would not cover rehabilitation. I managed to find him out-patient rehabilitation spot where he was accepted. Her husband is very strong-willed and thinks he can still do everything he used to do and refuses to let her restrict him. They did not have a "healthy" relationship before then as he was always in control of the situation. He had total control of the finances, argued with her about anything she purchased or any place she would go. All was going "ok" but over time my sister has gotten more and more mentally depressed. Her children are trying to help her, but she sees them more as an encumbrance than a help. They say they are helping, but they are very critical of her. I admit that she does have faults, she is a negative person and complains a lot, and she is not the most attentive caregiver. Yesterday was a breaking point for her. Her children tried to do an "intervention" by telling her she was not being nice to her daughter-in-law (which is true) and they thought she needed help. She got very upset and angry and was thinking of ways to kill herself. I convinced her to let the children (in their 30's) take care of her husband and come and stay with me and mom for about a week to get a break. We live in another state. She does not think she needs any mental help, she won't even go to a caregiver support network. She needs to talk to someone and it shouldn't be me or our mother who are invested. I guess what I'm asking is, how should I convince her to get involved with a support group or seek help with a therapist. And then when/if I can, what kind of help should I help her find?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Thank you all for your response. My sister needs help, not critisicm. I was trying to say in my op that I understand her faults, but I still love her and want to help her. The finances are not an issue except that my bil does not like to spend any money, even on himself. My sister called me in a cry for help and I will do anything I can to help her. The reason I want her to talk to someone not in the family is so she can speak her mind without judgement. I don't know how to broach the subject with her and so came here seeking advice. She has gotten some rest and seems a bit less upset now. But is feeling guilty about leaving her husband and is still resentful of her children's cruel words.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Margaret, thank you for your different perspective on this. Everything you said is true. OP’s sis sounds burned out and confused. I hope that time away helps this poor lady. I know how it feels when your kids give you a litany of everything you’re doing wrong, especially when you’re on the edge to begin with. Your emotions are magnified and you wind up just telling everyone to leave you the h*** alone. The OP may be a bit intrusive, but I’m sure she has her sister’s best interests at heart.

Thanks for your insightful post. I hope the OP returns to update us.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I want to express a bit more sympathy for your sister. Her husband is failing with PD, won’t accept his limitations, and is controlling and argumentative. That is enough to depress anyone! It sounds as though finances are difficult too. If this is all falling on your sister, I am not surprised that she has her failings, or that criticism from her children was the last straw. It sounds as though she needs more support, not a therapist.

Well done for taking her away to give her a break, and what a good idea for her (and his?) children to take over for a week. Perhaps the experience will suggest ways that they could be some practical help in future, be a little more supportive and less critical. I’m sure that the situation is difficult for everyone, but it sounds that your sister has been bearing the worst of it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I agree with Ahmijoy. There are people who aren't happy if they can't complain about something. I have a friend who is her own worst enemy. I think, the children should stop criticizing ur sister. The worst thing is to hear criticism from your own kids. No matter how much they "help" she is the one there 24/7. She has been like she is for years, not going to change her overnight or ever. Support her as much as you can.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

As tragic as it could prove to be, there is only so much you can do for an adult who absolutely refuses help. You can’t force her. Her children have already tried an intervention and it backfired. She doesn’t see herself as needing help. Everyone else does, and in her mind, they should just leave her alone. I’m assuming she and her husband have been married for a while. If she were that miserable with him, she could have left, especially now that the kids are grown. But some people, like my mom, are not happy unless they are unhappy. You should not help her find any help. She will not cooperate. If you find her a support group, chances are very good she won’t go. Quite frankly and not to sound harsh, but she sounds like she resents everyone's interference.

Step back and let her ask for help. If you are in contact with her children, tell them the same thing. At some point, if she realizes she needs help and asks for it, then step back in. Ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves and what happens to us.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter