My sister and I have joint POA for my mother. Our siblings are constantly trying to disrupt things. What can we do short of restricting their contact with Mom?

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I'm sure this is nothing you haven't all heard or experienced before but it's all new to me.


My sister and I have joint POA for my mother. We take no payment for it, as there's not a lot of money. My other sister and my brother constantly accuse us of stealing from Mom or keeping her from doing some thing or another. They are quite abusive so I will not communicate with them, except in writing.


Short history - We're all scattered around. Literally all over the county. Mom stayed with my sister (other POA) for a while but it really was too much for her. I live about 4 hours away so I took Mom when I could. I'm a single mother with a teenager and a job that is very demanding (way more than 40 hours a week). Typically, I would take vacation time when Mom was here because she couldn't be left alone. She has early dementia.


It finally got to the point where neither of us could care for her in our home anymore. She has always talked about getting her "own apartment". We found a very nice AL facility in the town where Mom's sister lives. It's closer to our other sister, closer to our brother, but a ways from my POA sister and me. We talk to Mom almost every day and visit when we can. For instance, I'll be going for Christmas this year. She spent Christmas with us last year. Her sister, who still drives, comes over every day and takes her shopping or to local events or sometimes just sits and chats with Mom and her friends.


She had some land that she sold this year, which gave her enough money to live on for a few years, combined with her SS and VA money. She still has the homestead left, near where my brother lives.


My other sister decided she was going to take Mom to stay with her for two weeks this summer. Due to some previous shenanigans, we insisted she sign Mom out and give a return date. She no sooner got Mom out of the AL facility than she was trying to get her to sign over POA to her. When she found out Mom had been diagnosed with dementia and could no longer make those decisions, she tried to force Mom into taking a competency test. Mom called me in a total panic. She did not want to take the test. She was confused and scared.


After about 30-45 minutes I got her calmed down. Told her she didn't have to take any test and if anyone tried, to call me and I'd set them straight.


Other sister brought Mom back to AL the next day, well short of her 2 weeks. Said she had to go back to work (she didn't). Told Mom that we MADE her bring Mom back early (also not true). Dropped her off and left.


Mom was exhausted and confused. She had her worst day ever at AL. Eventually, she calmed down again.


Granted, Mom can be difficult. She has meltdowns, calls everyone and tells everyone she wants to go "home" (there's no one there to care for her). Other sister and brother always promise to "rescue" her. They're going to take her home. They're going to come and get her. She waits for them and they never come. Sometimes, she backs out herself because when she thinks about it, she gets anxious about the long drive up and back. They are just plain mean to her. They yell at her for changing her mind. They tell her they "have lives, too". Whatever they can come up with to make excuses for their behavior. It causes further melt downs which mean sister and I have to calm her down.


I wish I knew what they want but they won't communicate anything with us and, frankly, I'm tired of discussing it with them. They're constantly trying to disrupt things.


We know that Mom needs stability. She needs her own space. She needs some privacy. She can't be bounced around like a basketball. It's just not healthy for her.


So the latest thing now is we're stealing from Mom. We are doing everything we can to allow her to be as independent as she possibly can be. She has a bank account which she uses for spending money. AL cooks all her meals, does her laundry, cleans her apartment, and helps her find whatever she lost. They're so kind and we're thankful they're there to help. We have another account with the bulk of the money she has left, which we use to pay her rent, utilities, taxes, insurance, etc. The VA and SS checks go into that account and we keep Mom's account liquid. Sister pays the bills. I monitor the accounts. There's nothing wrong and, like I said, we don't take a penny.


When Mom goes with other sister (she won't go with my brother), we always tell her we hope she has a good time. She never does but hope springs eternal.


I'm not sure how to handle the other sister and brother. Brother has not seen Mom in almost 2 years. Other sister has visited more than when she lived near her but always leaves Mom upset.


We have always tried to be transparent with them. When Mom moved to AL, we told them where she was going and why. We asked them to be positive and supportive.


What can we do short of restricting their contact with Mom? I hate to see her get so upset.

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