My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

Unfortunately, life is not always fair. And the best thing you can do for yourself, is after talking with your mom, no matter what she decides, is to "let it go". Do what you need to do, to "get over it" so you can take care of yourself.

I know it may sound insensitive, but if you continue holding this in, you will harm yourself.

I know it seems totally unfair, but for whatever reason, moms with one son, especially the youngest, seem to excuse and let everything slide in life. If those are her wishes, I’d let it go and do what she wants. I would let my feelings be known though in a loving way to my brother for sure. Being one of three siblings you and he should be able to have an equal voice, if there’s an equal inheritance. He may not want to face the truth of his mother’s issues, so he’s running away which some people do. You should tell him how you feel and not keep it inside which is bitterness for you.

I work for a Certified Elder Law Attorney, it may not seem fair but it is in NO WAY your decision how your mom divides up her estate! If she wants to divide her inheritance equally between all her children that is her right to do!

The COST of care is exorbitant. I would see an eldercare attorney, set up Power of Attorney (POA) and caregiver's contract so that your mom becomes your employer..and see a tax specialist opening a "corporate" account so you won't have to pay as much taxes. So even with a will the money is being spent on the cost of her care paid to the caregivers. Even if you set up a sum of $10 an hour, which will not even pay for a sitter, that is $7,200 a month -- and for, say, 4 years, that's a grand total of $345,600.00 which is over a quarter of a million dollars. In most cases that would have long absorbed the entire estate.

I had the same issue with my mother in-law. Being eldest and people listen to me , I sold all into cash distributed to all three equally. I also opened an escrow account and made all three contribute equally to the account to cover all mother’s need for next 5 years. Made sure they will not touch the other money for their use until mom passes away.
Mall done with moms permission.
Took control of her life and kept her under my care to make sure she is cared for. I call my mother in law as mom.

I so feel for you. Some of the other greatest generation have what seems to be a sense of entitlement and don't see what we as caregiving children do as having value so much as it being what we do for each other, i.e. that's what family is for. And while in my situation, it HAS worked both ways...I am also dealing with a male who thinks that women's work is the inside house stuff. As my mother has developed dementia I have taken on so many roles, ever increasing to become "wifey". I am exhausted. Mentally my head is always thinking about something related to caregiving. Physically there is only so much energy, logistically only so many hours in a day. And I know what I do has VALUE. As in the going rate is $20-22 hr. NOT that I would charge...but then you have dad's philosophy, and then you toss in what turned out to be an attorney who did jump to the conclusion from my perception that I DID appear to be a greedy little b---- which is NOT the case. Dad is deaf and I doubt she took the time to carefully educate and explain things to him. So here I am, alone, to do all caregiving tasks--although he is quite independent in numerous ways...I physically put forth labor to cook, clean, advocate, manage, bill pay, launder, escort...while my only sibling out of state has never done a thing. Beware there is such a thing as a caregiver agreement (which sshe will no doubt refuse to sign). Unfortunately if of sound mind she can do whatever he wants as far as the division of estate, but I would encourage you to invest in a consult with an elder law attorney for YOURSELF, to see what they may advise to protect your interests. It's a horrible situation. I am grateful for all I've been given, but I'll tell you...there are moments when it gets to be too much and I think walking away and living in a box under a freeway bridge would be easier. I wonder what would be said about contesting it after she is gone, the will that is.

In no way, shape or form, are you the one to make the decision of who inherits anything or nothing from your mother. If your mother has a will, it clearly states how she wants her assets handled. If she wanted everything divided according to the percentage of assistance she received from each child, then she would have that outlined in her wishes. Sometimes we have to do what is best for our loved ones and not base our care on what we will get paid out in the end.

While I sincerely sympathize with your situation, the reality is that it is in fact your mother's money and she has the absolute legal right to bequeath it however she wishes. You could perhaps suggest some payment for your service such as reimbursement for gas to take her shopping or to the doctor and hope she realizes the time and effort you spend helping with her care, but beyond that it is entirely her choice.

Do you have Power of Attorney with the specific power to change beneficiaries? If she has life insurance or other policies with you named, you have the ability to change beneficiaries. Any policy with beneficiaries not only supersedes the will, but avoids probate. Also with POA you can request a TOD deed (transfer on death), if the language in your POA allows it.
My mother thankfully made my sister and I equal on everything, but didn’t consider probate so some of that had to be changed.

So here's how you handle that situation. You do up caregiver contracts for you (and your sis). In those contracts you are paid for your services. Doesn't have to be a lot but it should be something. You are using your time, your gas, your food, and missing out on your life. You have every right to be paid to be there. Drop your pearls folks if you are clutching them... and be realistic. I think that minimum wage is realistic if it's 24/7. So, say $10 an hour for the hours she is awake and with you. or some flat number like $100 a day even. Over time you will have gotten "more" than the neglectful brother as there will be less left over all to divide. Also, talk to a lawyer but having a caregivers contract will help you with any issues if she does end up in an nursing home and there is a look back for medicaid. I come at this from experience. We cared for my MIL for 3 1/2 yrs and used every dollar of our 120,000 401k savings and stupidly thought his siblings would pay us back. Nope. They took their share and ran and we had to downsize and now retirement is looking dire as I became disabled caring for her. Always, Always, look out for your own interests first. Always.

I’m not Little Mary Sunshine about the unfair treatment of women. For women of my parents’ generation sons were their icons & daughters their servants. I raised my voice when I learned that my bros. & I
would be inheriting equally from my
mother. I “suggested” to her that maybe the boys should be participating in the caregiving (they couldn’t; they live 2K miles away) whereupon she decided that maybe she should see to it that I get a bit extra. Don’t put up with it, girls; the days of unpaid “women’s work” are OVER!

I took care of my grandma out of pure love!!!!! For 9 years straight day in and day out. I have 5 sisters who did nothing for grandma, not even visit or call. Nothing...... It used to bother me and eat me up so bad, but it also was making me sick. I said the heck with them and continued to focus on loving grandma with every ounce of my heart.

I'm guardian for my dad and the 'go-to' for anything dad (none of my 3 siblings jumped in - I was 'volunteered'). As in yesterday when my husband and I had to take him to the ER. I had other things I had planned to do with my Sunday afternoon but that didn't work out. My 3 siblings get to go about their life without this constant interruption, waiting for dad to die so they can get their inheritance. No, I don't like it but it is what it is and I know it is not forever. Maybe I'll get some sort of payback in my next life.

You say you don't want to be paid because caring for her comes from your heart. You can always put the $ into an account and not use it. Some type of aregiver agreement for both of you and Mom can pay for some in-home assistance with her 24/7 care to ease your troubles. Fact is, you simply don't have to deal with your brother, EVER. Learn to let that him go. Good Luck.

Been there, done that. My mentally ill mother died without seeing her son for 30+ years. I handled her affairs and her for most of my life. I handled care, move to nursing home, cremation, funeral and executor of estate responsibilities alone. Mom loved her children equally. Eventually you will be able to shed hate, frustrations, anger and sadness and allow the peace of acceptance to take over knowing you did what was asked which was the right thing to do. God Bless and please take care of yourself ❤️

My brother does the same but imo , it’s up to my mother who inherits what. It’s a gift, not wages for past work. It’s funny, my mother thinks nothing of calling my husband or daughter to drop their job and something for her ASAP but doesn’t want to hinder my brother’s game of golf , seriously! If my mother didn’t like my husband, I’d probably be disinherited. Even though it’s been me for 8 of the past 10 years who has cared for them single handedly, she’s abusive and I’m the scapegoat.
( my sister has helped the past 2) . I did probably 75% of all “ care” by children for my stepfather ( compared to his own 2 lazy kids) but inherited nothing. I did it because I loved him and wanted to help him. With my mother , I do what I need to do to be at peace with myself.

I can relate in spades to your frustration and perhaps resentment....However, mom's will is the trump card here, like it or not. If no will, then the state laws apply.
Grace + peace,

Bob

Yes, in my opinion, it's fair that he inherit equally. I think it's fair because it's what your mother wants. She's entitled to do what she wants with her assets. Your brother isn't obligated to contribute anything to your mothers care anymore than you are. It would be the decent thing for him to do, but it's never an obligation that a child care for an aging parent. Your mother should be paying for her own care if she has the means to do so. If you feel that you and/or your sister should be paid for the services you are rendering in care of your mother that should be handled in a caregiver agreement contract with your mother and paid to you both now or contracted to be paid a set amount at her death.

I don't think you sound greedy, but you do sound frustrated. There is no one-size-fits all solution here, but there are some things you need to know and think about.

First, as others have pointed out, an inheritance should never be considered a repayment for services rendered. If you want any deserved compensation from your mother, that needs to be worked out and paid while she is alive and you are delivering the care. Second, I have seen the type of resentment you express split families, with siblings never speaking to each other after their last living parent's death. Do you want that to be the legacy you have with your brother? Your mother probably would not want that or she wouldn't have left equal shares to her children, because unequal shares will split siblings just as easily as unequal care-giving responsibilities will. Resentment destroys relationships.

More important and of some urgency, does your mother have a designated power of attorney, a medical power of attorney, and a living will? If not, and if she is still competent, she needs to execute these documents immediately, presumably naming you and your sister as primaries. And if you want legally enforceable compensation, you will need her to execute a caregiver agreement (contract) as well. (See: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/law_aging/publications/bifocal/vol_37/issue_3_february2016/creating-effective-caregiver-agreements/).

The bottom line: to reduce (because you can never eliminate) the risk of conflict between siblings, everything needs to be in writing, just like the will. If your mother is already suffering from early stage dementia and is not competent then you will have additional issues (i.e., a likely need for a guardianship) and greater urgency. But if the will is recent and properly executed, it should probably be left as is.

My family had the same experience. One brother, who lived 15 minutes away, rarely did anything for Mom. Mom's needs were handled by me and my other brother. I was POA of Mom. So I decided that the money mom had in the bank would provide for her care. Her money covered all the things she needed plus having a local town caregiver stay with her during the week. I did weekends and my brother did each night (because he moved in with her). I am not the person who always takes the high road but in this instance I did. I was a momma's girl and I showered my mom with affection and care. It was not always easy. I look back now with no regrets. Mom had a will in place which left equal shares to each of us plus the brother that lived with her got her home. That was ok with me because I've seen families torn apart over who gets what. The brother that was absent was not happy with that. Think only of your mom and her wishes. Do all that you can b/c once she passes you will never get the chance for a do-over. The loss of your Mom will hit each one of you differently. At first you will feel relief that your mom's pain and suffering, and yours also, is over. Then the feeling of loss moves in and you will have to deal with that for the rest of your life. It is better NOT to hold on to anger with your brother. He is the one who is really missing out. I hope this helps in some small way.

Yes it's fair that your brother receive what your Mom wants him to receive because those are her wishes.   Caregiving has nothing to do with inheritance.  

I care for my Mom because I want to (my choice) and not to get anything from her.  

Jenna

Inheritance shouldn't play into this at all. I can tell you are stressed out and need a break from her care. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself. Bitterness can consume you and you lose yourself in the process. Please take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Your Mom's money is hers and should be used to take care of her needs, whether she remains in the same location or moves and is used for a facility. She loves ALL of her children and you can't change that. Sons and daughters don't view things the same and never will. I have had several close friends lose their mothers recently. My Mom hopefully will be making a change to an AL facility soon. Mother in law is going to be 100 and does not have her mind anymore. Don't lose sight of the fact that you are demonstrating your love. Don't we all need a little bit more of that these days. Prayers for all of you. Glisse 1121

There is nothing you can do about it. Your parents made the will and that is what will happen. Whether it is fair or not, that is something else.

If your Mom has the financial ability to pay for her care, you may want to explore those options. This will give you some rest and respite which you probably could use right now. Or you could ask to be paid for her care but you should consult an elder law attorney to ensure you are setting this up correctly. If there ends up being no inheritance, so be it. Your Mom's money was used to help her while she was alive and there can't be any squabbles when she passes.

My sister and I took care of our Mom during her end of life. She had stage 4 lung cancer. Caring for her at home in hospice was one of the most stressful times of my life. It was also one of the most memorable. We showered her with love. My friends even came and played music for her. I wouldn't want to go through that again, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world.

I can't think another man's thoughts. I can only guess. I also figure that my guesses are probably wrong. So I keep it to myself. For now though, I believe that you have enough to worry about without adding the thought of who gets what. Mom probably wouldn't like it.

Maybe you should just keep doing the excellent work you're doing caring for mom. Make every day as good as you are able. Talk to brother about whatever comes up, doing it with love. Resentment should just be put away. Love each other because it's your mom. That's what she would have wanted.

I'm not trying to be a bragard, but my sister and I never brought up who gets what. In fact, I wanted nothing. I'm the eldest child. I was the first baby Mom ever held in her arms as a young 17 year old girl. She said we were children together. Still, I wanted nothing. None of it meant anything to me except some pictures and a few old letters.

Anyway, you do what you believe in your heart is the best thing to do. Don't do anything that you know is wrong. Like duh, huh? Anyone knows that. Peace.

It is unfortunate that things like this happen again and again. It is also unfortunate (and fortunate?) that inheritance is not up to the caregivers to decide. If your mom is unable to change her will, you are probably stuck with having to share the inheritance with your brother. I think other posters are right that you should spend your mom’s resources to care for her. All could be gone at the end for anyone to get anything.

Is your mother still of sound mind? If so, and she continues to express her wish to leave all her children an equal amount, that is her prerogative. I'd say that it's time for you to explain to your Mom that she'll need to compensate you for the time you give her. (Your sister also, if she is still helping.) Your mom or her PoA can handle this but you need to keep good time and expense records. If your brother is her PoA and won't cooperate, see an elder attorney.

This is a sad but not uncommon situation. What's 'fair' may be difficult to achieve.

So many people look at an inheritance the wrong way. Inheritance is not a salary given to you. Inheritance is a gift of Love an individual shares with someone or something. I would love to see seniors spend their money. They worked a life time to save it. Use Her money to make her life as comfortable as possible. Travel with Her, enjoy yourselves. A gift is a blessing from someone with no strings attached. If you are only caring for your Mother for money, you need to reevaluate your thinking.

No. It surely isn't fair that he gets equal for doing Nothing, while you and your sister do all of the work. This sounds like my father and his brother. My father did everything and his brother got "Power of attorney" and all the money. Oh, but he DID send my father 100.00 (So generous eh?) He sent it back.

What does her will say? That would be the deciding factor, regardless of your brother's input into your mother's care. It sounds like she is pretty-clear on her wishes. Perhaps you should start asking more from your brother...