My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

This is the age old battle. I say, ONLY THOSE WHO CARE AND WHO DO FOR OTHERS AND ARE KIND AND LOVING should inherit. The rest simply do NOT deserve it. For legal purposes, so the "out" person can't contest the will, be sure to state why they get nothing but do leave them ONE DOLLAR which means they don't have a leg to stand on to contest the will. Everyone is equal if they do equally for the other person. Pure blood is NOT a good reason for equality. You are absolutely right in how you feel and your mother is a fool and should be ashamed to be doing this to you.

I did edit my response to add a 4th item, but apparently didn't save it. That was about inheritance in general. Not everyone has assets to "leave" to their children. Many people provide the care mom or dad needs and get nothing either during or after the care because there isn't anything. Even if they do have assets, there are no guarantees or fairness in life. What someone wants to do with what is left, if anything, is their business.

That said, my post was done before reading other comments. When I got to salutem's following response, I have a little more to say:

"OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough."

Of the comments I have read so far, I don't think they were "arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous." Certainly not ALL, as you state. There is no real simple "yes or no" answer to your concerns and others have tried to make suggestions about how to go forward with this.

IF you don't like the answers given, that is your prerogative. Nothing says you have to come back or accept anyone's comments. However it is unnecessary to be so rude to everyone who has tried to put perspective on the issue and/or make suggestions about how to be compensated NOW, because changing the inheritance is not likely to happen.

I also have questions because your profile AND a comment you posted give conflicting information:

Profile: "I am caring for my mother Jane, who is 91 years old, living in assisted living with cancer and stroke."

Profile: "I'm a 63yr. old taking care of a parent who has recently had a stroke and needs around-the-clock care."

Comment: "If that were true, then my sister and I would be doing nothing for my mother which means she would have to be living in a facility."

Is she living in a facility or not?

However, given that you don't like what you are reading here... it is a moot point.

As with others, I am not going to bother reading any more posts nor do I have anything further to say other than what mom wants to do with her assets is her business. Fair or not, it IS what she wants regardless about how you or your sister feel about it.

I'm conflicted on this. In my instance, I have 4 siblings, all married and own their own homes. My mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's and needed care. Siblings did nothing, I quit my job (i'm single) and moved in with her, becoming her FT caregiver. The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair.

The OP has posted that she will no longer follow this thread, so ya’ll may as well stop posting too.

Without reading all responses (over 100!) there are only three things that can be said:

1) It is mom's assets and if she wants all of you to inherit equally, so be it.
2) If you are expending your own assets, you should be reimbursed.
3) Look into what is possible for getting paid for the care you do provide now.

Care provided in the past is in the past. Not much can be done about that. Going forward, IF mom is agreeable and you can draw up a legal contract (consult with Elder Care Atty), see to it that you and your sister get paid for what you provide now. This may be considered "taxable" income, so factor that in and ask questions about it with the Atty (do you only have to claim the income or will she need to cover taxes, SS and other deductions.)

Our mom has enough assets to last years (she is almost 96 and in MC now.) Her will, drawn up long ago, also distributes evenly between the three of us. Certainly the younger brother helped out now and then over the years, and with some prodding is now taking her to the longest distance appt (mac deg, staying with those who have treated it for years.) The other brother (typical "golden" boy) is not, nor has he been, local. They did both "help" with clearing out, cleaning up and fixing condo for sale, but certainly not as much as I did!!! It was 1.5 hrs each way, so I spent a lot of time and gas money getting that done! Prior to the move 3 years ago, I also took over the "duties" mom could no longer perform (managing accounts, paying bills, grocery when we took car away, making proper foods vs frozen dinners, etc.) I am still the one doing all the financial duties, including taxes - sale of condo impacted all of us, but who had to do all the running around??? I also make all appts, take her to all but that one now, arrange hair cuts, etc as well as manage her meds and OTC needs - basically 99.999% of what needs to be done that MC doesn't cover. It DOES still take up a lot of my time!

However, despite I feel being "used", it isn't like they put a gun to my head and said do it. Someone needed to take this on, so I did. I really can't see either of them being able to do what I do (one not local, clueless, the other still has years to go before retirement, also clueless - I suspect if something happens to me, everything WILL fall apart!!!) Also, this is what mom wanted, so this is what will be. Unless mom is competent and WANTS to make a change, c'est la vie.

Honey,

You have a wonderful mother! You are a gift to your mom. A gift is given with nothing expected in return. Most grow resentful if their devotion isn’t recognized which is totally understandable.

my mom lives with us and we help her with everything, she is now 89. She really doesnt have much to leave but has stated she will leave whatever to me for years we helped her. She talked to my brother about it and he was totally fine as he does not help and does not want to. This was entirely her decision on her own and I always tell her she doesn't owe us a thing. You help family members because you love them....

Sadly, it's your mother's decision on how she divides her estate. Is it fair based on who did or did not do the caregiving? No, of course it isn't fair. But if the moral compass was applied to EVERYTHING, there would be grudges held forever. For example, my 2 cousins fought over their deceased mother's possessions - never to speak to one another again! One sister on the East Coast was going to try to speak to the sister on the West Coast, but she procrastinated and never did. Then she got word that the West Coast sister died suddenly. The East Coast sister has to take that to her grave. Don't hold grudges over material things - or money.

I was faced with this same situation while caring for my Mom. My brother, who had always lived off of my parents, decided he was not going to have anything to do with caring for Mom or Dad. My parents insisted he inherit equally. As power of attorney, and later, executor, I was determined that he wouldn't get a dime. When I went to do paperwork at the bank, my financial advisor made me a trustee of the estate. I found out later this meant that I was not required to divide up the money with anyone. When you become a trustee, the money becomes yours, but you do have to use it for your parents' expenses. I believe there are also ramifications with Medicaid, so consulting with an estate planner is essential. If your brother is not going to help care for your Mom, he should get none of the money. I am sick and tired of lazy ass sons getting rewarded for doing no work. You are entitled to whatever is left, after first taking care of Mom's needs. Then spend your inheritance doing what you want, after giving up your life for your Mom.

I care for my Mom ,
expected I guess forever!
no one wants to help?

Do it for yourself or let them do it?
what do you do, when no one else cares for the burden?
We just suck it up as usual?
Where is the family ?

we are all done until they maybe get it?

Then what, we are done,
Great for them, yet parent will now hate you!
Fun!

From my experience, I want to say let the resent go now. Once your mother is gone, it just gets bigger, but serves no purpose.

Your mother's wishes are clear. You and your sister are making the choice to care for her because... ... There are a lot of ways you can probably finish that sentence, but I doubt any of them have to do with money.

I have six siblings - two sisters, four bros. I was the only one taking care of my mom for 10 years, until the last year when it got extreme, and then three of them helped at different times. The sisters always the most. The brothers, with one exception, got a pretty free ride.

Some of this was geography. Some of this was codependence. Some of this was the kind of avoidance you may feel your brother is engaging in, which feels exploitative. Whatever the reasons, you are all making a choice. When your mother is no longer with you, what percentage of her inheritance will matter much less than how you go on feeling about yourself for the choices you made.

Why do you want more? To pay you back for taking care of her? Would you still care for her if she were penniless? I would guess you would. Since that is the case, try to stop tying the money (in your mind) to her caregiving. The money is hers, and she loves each of her children equally. Thus the equal inheritance. It has nothing to do with whether you are each equally "deserving" of that love. Quit focusing on the money, and focus on how much your brother is missing out on by not spending what precious time is left with the only mother you will ever have. Treasure your memories. Corny as it sounds, they are the real treasure, and you have the largest share of it!

Yes. He is a child of hers and she has made her wishes very clear.

While it may not be fair about who is doing the most, it is a choice that each person in the family makes. I look at it as - I do what I can live with. Meaning, I do not want my mother drugged to death at a nursing home to make staff jobs easier. I do not want her subjected to diapering while she is still capable of getting to the bathroom with a little assistance. I could not live with myself to put her in that situation, so I'm doing what I feel I have to do to keep her in a home setting as long as possible. Each of us has certain levels of what we can live with. Some people can deposit a family member into a facility and walk away never even bothering to think the care may be far below acceptable. I don't know how they live with that decision anymore than they would understand why I would spend 24/7 to avoid it.

With all that said, I do not believe any of us should be doing what we do/do not do with the anticipation of how much $ we'll get in the end. Your mom has an estate of some sort (home,cash,etc) because she earned those things in her lifetime. There is every possibility a facility would be needed at some time before she passes and those assets will be spent down to pay for her care. That's what 'her' assets are for. What's leftover should be shared equally as she has made clear to all of you.

Yes, absolutely he should get an equal share. He’s still her child. That’s how I feel about it for what it’s worth.

I'm in a similar situation for couple years now but with two older sisters who do not contribute to my moms care who is 85 years old. Nothing, not even get her prescriptions filled at the pharmacy after doctors appointment.
Is it fair, NO
Will they receive an equal share of my moms money when she passes. YES
My mom is now in AL, and spending her money for her care.
Your resentment may escalate, which is normal..
Your not alone... Hang in there...

You know, this is a question that goes beyond money, in my opinion. In our case, there is no inheritance. Our mom and dad never had much money and basically worked two jobs each to support us. Since Dad passed about 12 years ago, mom has lived with us. . We brought her home two weeks ago under Hospice. My brothers did okay until the fall - but while in the NH they have done less - for differing reasons (one seemed to resent visiting her even though she was only 15 minutes away). Now that she is home with me, one does not want to help at all.

My point is - money is not the difference here because there is no money. My resentment is because of the obvious lack of caring. They both say they are concerned about ME - but the one does not offer to help make it easier. But you know what they say "what goes around, comes around". I love mom and just want to take care of her.

Also, I worked in the Estates Division of a large law firm years ago. It was amazing how families fought over money after a death. It made me ALMOST glad we did not have any !!

1 - MEN NEED TO BE TOLD TO HELP don't expect him to pony up with help or other needs unless you ask directly - start telling not asking for some help

2 - it is a fact that it is your mom's wish to divide her money how she wishes & that's that - but she should be contributing to any expense you or sis incur helping her such as gas money, parking etc - also if you end up taking her out for lunch because of an appointment she should pay for you both - if you haven't told her now is the time & explain that she should have been giving it to sis too

Yes Equally (depending on how your mother writes her will), if no will exists or if the "estate" if entered into probate it will be handled by state laws where the person resides when she dies. You have zero deciding power. Follow your mother's wishes. What is your mother telling your brother, that you aren't hearing? When she moves into a nursing facility all of her assets will go to pay for that care.

Who inherits what is entirely up to your mother not you. If you are only caring for her because you want to inherit, I suggest you quit helping and let the state take over. Your sister has taken care of her for the most part because she actually cares.If it too much for you than again I suggest you quit. Why your brother does not contribute I don't know but maybe he doesn't think you need him or if he is married maybe his wife needs him. Have you asked for help and been refused or are you just resenting him silently? There were three of us also and I was the only one to take care of both parents. Both of my siblings live a long way away. My sister ran a day care to support herself and her children and never visited at all. My brother lived in Fl. 1500 miles away and he also was busy taking care of his wife and children. However we were able to have conference calls when needed to make decisions. The last year that my mother lived I had to ask my brother to come help me. He made a trip every month for that reason and even came to help me put her in a NH. If you don't ask they may not realize you need help. I wish you the very best.

Reminds me of the prodigal son.

I was in the same situation as you Salutem. I provided for my dad (time, service and financially) even though that left me in debt. No help from siblings. But I would do it again. I cared for my dad because I wanted to and because I love him dearly. I would rather be left with so much debt than with regrets and guilt. That is the least I can do for him for all he did for me and my siblings. The inheritance is given to the children because we are our parents' children not because we served or cared for them. To serve or care for them is our choice. Our/your reward is much more precious that any inheritance. You have a blessed heart, peace of mind, a clear and guilt free conscience, and you're able to express your love to your mom that your brother was not able to.

WeTrulyCare

I am caring for my dad who is almost 90 with dementia. I had 2 brothers who have passed away. My dad's estate, if there is anything left, is to go to me (1/2) and the other half to my brothers 3 kids. I have been helping care for my dad since my moms death in 1997. He has an acre of land and 3 homes on it. Yard work, tenants, house cleaning, paying bills, doctors appts., etc. has been my responsibility (increasing as the years have passed). Is it fair that my brothers 3 kids get 1/2 of my dad's estate? I don't feel it is but it is what it is and so I will go along with it. It is "standard" in wills/trusts too (according to my husband who sold living trusts at one time). I would be doing what I am doing if there was no estate because I love my dad. But as his executor I will pay myself to settle it all and that will be some compensation for all the work. Dr. Phil often says "we need a hero in this situation". I will be that hero and let any animosity regarding inheritance go by the way side and love my nieces and nephew like my own kids. God Bless you for honoring your mom as you have.

I would like to add one more fact. Your sister has historically cared for your mom and you have started helping with her care more recently. Do you think your sister should receive more than you?
Let it go. The Living are in your future. As a Professional for over 45 years I saw painful Family separations over Wills. It’s just not worth the stress. You give what you can because you want to....if you can’t give this much time then make other arrangements.

I have three siblings but carry the brunt of care for my elderly parents. May I suggest to you that you explain to your mother that u would like to be reimbursed for your time. It is a huge time commitment on the caregivers part. Being well reimbursed avoids being felt that you r taken advantage of. This is huge for your mental wellbeing. My parents have been generous with me in this regard, gifting me generously.

This is a common issue 95% of all families but the answer is very simple.
If your Mom has a Valid Will that is how it must be done, period.
If she doesn’t have Will, she dies Intestate and the laws of that State are very clear as to the distribution of assets. Fairness has no part of the law itself.

It is not unusual for Daughters to take over the care of an aging mom. My sister & I both help our mom as well as hire care....to help prevent burnout. We would never expect our brother to receive less than ourselves in mom’s Will. It is her money & her decision as to how she wishes to write her Will in any case. It could cause relationship problems in the future if your brother was left less than you & your sister. My sister also does more than I do with mom as she lives closer, but she would never agree to anything but equal treatment in a Will. Perhaps you should discuss a Caregiver Payment with your mom or hire Help. You certainly sound burned out & that is understandable. Give the time you can, and speak to your mom about hiring some extra care. We have found hiring to be very helpful.

I am in the same situation. My two brothers will each get 1/3 of the money left when Mom passes. (It almost happened a few weeks ago so this subject is on my mind.)
My lawyer and moms lawyer did the work of putting together a contract so I will get reimbursed (sp?) for the money I spend to care for her. (also a small amount daily paid to me for the work I personally do to care for mom daily 24/7) Who knows if Mom will outlive the money. I am not sure what I will do since a second person in my large house helps with the bills, as my mom does now. I am concerned about money all the time.
I thank God daily that the boys worked with the lawyers and agreed to the plan. It takes some of the pain away that I experienced 5 or 6 years ago when the family was destroyed and now NO CONTACT. One of my brothers still owes me over $8,000. He wanted Mom's money to pay me, but I said "no way" to that since mom needs her money for the rest of her life. (maybe that was the wrong decision on my part... Would of, could of, should of..........we all need to give ourselves a break and do the best we can each day.

Well, mothers see things differently. She needs to have a will specifing this or it will leave things open for challenges. By what you say about your brother, he would probably be the one to challenge. Mother needs a will where she specifies everything she wants done, or to be given, etc.

One thought I have--even if everyone on this forum agreed that the brother shouldn't inherit as much--what would salutem be able to do to change this? Pick a fight with her mother? Or her brother?

I actually had the opposite situation. My mom, who passed away two and a half years ago at 92, did not get along with my only sibling, my sister. My mother lived with me and I had sole responsibility for her care while I worked full time, as well. It was very difficult. My sister lived on the east coast (we lived in AZ.) To be honest, my sister had her own health issues but even if she didn’t I knew she never would have been there for my mom because all their lives they never got along. My sister wouldn’t visit for mom’s surprise 90th birthday and didn’t attend her service even back on the East coast. My mom changed her Will to totally exclude my sister. I was the one who asked her to leave my sister something no matter what (left to mom’s disgression). I did this because even though there was bitterness and I also had a poor relationship with my sister, I was always hopeful it could one day be repaired. I had seen too many relationships in my distant family ruined over inheritances or lack of and didn’t want to deal with remaining issues after my mom passed away. Life has a funny way of working out. My mom respected my wishes and although she didn’t leave my sister much, she did leave her something and my sister respected what she received. She acknowledged that I deserved more as I had always been there for mom. The day we buried my mom’s ashes, I received a call my sister had passed away. Fortunately, I had gotten to visit with her just two days before (although I had to argue with her to get her to even do that)! We told each other we loved each other (something we hadn’t said in years) and said goodbye. Little did I know it was really “goodbye”. I am so glad I did everything I did given the way life played out. The point of my story is, sorry it took so long, think long and hard before saying anything to your brother or your mom. Let your true heart guide you and think ahead of what the future may bring. I had lived through enough discord and wanted reconciliation for the future. My discord ended but I lost two loved family members within 15 months of each other. But at least I had reconciliation during the 15 months after my mom passed before losing my sister. I truly believe God helped guide me through this whole process. Best wishes on whatever you decide. We all ultimately have to do what is best for us and live with our decisions. Please do not feel I am judging you. I just wanted to share my experience because your story touched me.
God bless.

My dad lived with me and I took care of him for 18 years. He passed in my home and that is the way he wanted it to be. I had help only on Saturday for 3 hours when I would get groceries. My brother lived 2000 miles away and he paid for my Saturday help. My sister that was 5 minutes away would always say "I can only come on Sunday for 3 hours." She was semi-retired so had tons of time to help me.
Obviously you can't get much done on Sundays as there are no offices open. So she was useless. Since we were inheriting about the same amount-dad and I worked out a deal that he would pay for groceries and utility bill. I paid mortgage
and all other bills as usual. This did ease my burden financially since his care was 24/7.
Now that he is gone, I know that I did the right thing. We shared so many great talks and every night he would tell me how much he loved me. That is my true reward and maybe I will be rewarded in heaven when we reunite.