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In my eyes your question is a legal question.   As I posted before your Mom has every "legal" right to designate her estate to whomever she wishes.   That is her legal right.

There is no right or wrong.   If you don't agree with your Mom's will then talk to an attorney.  It's that simple.   In the meantime be kind to yourself and please take care of you the best you can.

Jenna
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Salutem, for her own mental and spiritual health, needs to let go of the resentment and anger toward her brother. Ask him, if he's the one with control of your mother's purse, to pay you for what you do. Beyond that, there's not much to be done about your mother's wishes and will. But please, let go of your anger.
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anonymous840695 May 2019
Oh, it's not that big of a thing--as long as I don't see him. When he does come for one of his bi-annual visits, I make sure I'm not there. My sister seems to handle it better than I
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Salutem, don’t you know mothers favor their sons no matter what little they do or don’t do?
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anonymous840695 May 2019
I suppose you're right
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I have seen these situations over and over again and there are some basic simple facts which I am going to state. The money that belongs to your mother is your mother's money and she can choose where it goes. HOWEVER, your mother is very selfish and stupid and totally without any common sense if she feels it is o.k. to divide assets equally because of blood - it is just wrong. There are factors that MUST BE CONSIDERED. Is one sibling doing a great deal for the patient and the other is doing nothing? Then there is no way on this earth something should be shared equally. Is she NUTS? Another factor is this - if one sibling is struggling very hard to live for whatever reason and is truly doing all possible to fix things, and the other sibling has a great deal of money, then more should go to the one in need. The question is - is the poor sibling in a bad way through circumstances not caused by that sibling, like being an alcoholic, drug addict, etc.? If none of that applies, more goes to the one in need. Someone really needs to sit down with your mother, preferably someone like an attorney or someone who can get through to her. She must have these things pointed out to her. If she corrects her will and leaves more to the one who is there for her or who otherwise assumes the responsibility, then fine. If she does not cooperate or there are continuing problems, then you must IMMEDIATELY CHARGE HER FOR TAKING CARE OF HER IN THE SAME AMOUNT AN OUTSIDE CARETAKER WOULD CHARGE. That is the ONLY way you will be reimbursed for what you do and deserve. I have one word of caution - talk with an eldercare attorney as to a contract, Power of Attorney, and whatever other documents you need. And, also find out from that attorney the ramifications of getting this money (off the table) vs. claiming it and paying taxes, SS, etc. You need to cover your own butt and you need to be safe if she has to be placed because of the look back period in giving money away. In your case, you sure deserve everything you can have. Good luck. You are being used by your mother's stupidity (and fear that someone will be 'mad' at her) and your brother who does nothing. Get if fixed now. Do NOT let this continue.
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anonymous840695 May 2019
Nothing much I can do, but I don't talk to him and I'm not around when he comes to visit, which is only a few times a year. At the moment my sister is POA, however that will likely change soon
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It took a long time for me to understand what someone once taught me when I was still young and really didn't understand fully. I was told "WHAT YOU SOW IS WHAT YOU REAP." All of my life I have been a giver, never asking for anything ever from anyone. I wanted to do things that were good and be the giver and it made me happy. Several years ago I became disabled and all of a sudden people came out of the woodwork and started doing things for me I never in a million years ever thought about or expected. So, what I am trying to say is this: If there are those people who go above and beyond what others in their families are doing for the patients, then they definitely should be recognized and rewarded more than those who do NOTHING. It is only fair and just. Remember this......what may be legally correct may not be morally correct. I for one will always choose the high road and take the MORALLY RIGHT WAY. And this belief and action has served me well in life. I will not follow a law if it is unjust, unreasonable and unfair and if it causes physical, emotional, mental or financial harm to me. I don't deserve it. Every day of my life I thank the man I met many years ago when I was 21 - he taught me this and how right he was. God bless him.
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Having read salutem's responses to the comments, I have to think she is very thin-skinned, maybe with a chip on her shoulder.
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anonymous840695 May 2019
Glad to hear it because I care desperately what you think.
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Salutem:

"well this is what I think, though I've endured many harsh lectures claiming that it is her right to bequeath as she sees fit. I realize all of that, but it just doesn't seem right to me."

Right; and that's why you and sis should be getting PAID for what your are doing right now.

If you are squeamish about getting fair pay for what you are doing, then you will just have to learn to sit with your bad feelings. Only you and your sis can change this inequity.

Till the day she died, my mom resented the fact that her brothers were both ne'er do wells who were adored by their mom; mom and her sister worked their tails off and sacrificed a great deal to keep their mom comfortable. There was terrible , TERRIBLE angst over this which I watched growing up.

Not going there. Brother (much better off financially than the rest of us) was given POA and did all the heavy lifting. Any resenting that happened got done by him. I believe my mom knew that I wasn't going to be the patsy that she was.

Inheritance is a birthright. Labor should be compensated.
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Your not. Your just venting as you should because of how things are. I know why your Mom insists on splitting everything equally: it's because she's playing referee between you and your brother. My Mom had to do the same thing between me and my brother's. There were 5 of us. I'm the only daughter. It makes me sad to tell you this but I'm now having to play Moms role of referee with my brother's. It's done between them..... and my husband. Feel free to PM me if ya wanna vent. Hugs.
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anonymous840695 May 2019
no referee playing. He's no where in sight. lives far away, and I haven't seen him in a long time. never argued with him either, so, no referee playing.
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Worried in Cali,
Thank you so much for your interest in my thread.
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worriedinCali May 2019
You’re welcome.
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Don't mention it WorriedinCali
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BarbBrooklyn said, "Inheritance is a birthright. Labor should be compensated."

Inheritance, as set forth in a Will, is a legal transfer of wealth. If there is no Will, the State will decide -- and most likely will be divided equally between heirs.

However, LABOR SHOULD BE COMPENSATED under any circumstance.
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my2cents Jun 2019
Some labor you do out of love. I could agree with payment if someone had to give up a job and had bills to pay.
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Unfortunately, life is not always fair. You will drive yourself crazy and/or invite stress related disease into your life, if you continue to focus on this inequality. You can't control other people's behavior. You only have control over your own behavior. I wonder if it's possible for you to make arragements to get a break from caretaking for awhile. Caretaking can be so exhausting, heart rendering and is often a thankless job.
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Ah yeah, that nerve you stepped on that triggered an onslaught of responses. Here's mine: In a word no, but as others no doubt will point out it's your mother's choice. HOWEVER, I would get yourself to an elder law attorney to guide you through and be YOUR advocate and what steps you can take to protect your well-being and interest. It seems like your sister's health may have diminished due to the heavy load she was carrying. Share the burden. Get some professional advice, and in the meantime I'd be logging all that you are doing. Perhaps that will come in handy in the future. No doubt your mother will probably decline a caregiver agreement because that is what family does. Do you think your mom could use a smart phone? My dad is deaf and he has an app on it for dictation...so on medical or other appts and even in general, if people speak into the phone, he can read what they have said and respond. If she can deal with hearing aids and the expense, hit Costco and get the rechargables. Good luck...
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my2cents Jun 2019
Sister probably did wear herself out. Even a moderate health issue could escalate with the workload a caregiver fulfills. Was sister getting paid a fair wage for what she had done for a good while on her own? Probably not, but I bet no one suggested to mom to give everything to her because she was doing all the work. I bet sister (who had not been helping) and brother never got together and said - Mom is leaving equal shares to all of us. Let's sign an agreement to give our entire shares to Caretaker Sister. I could be wrong, but I bet 'cha redivision of the estate never came up until non-caretaker sister had to step in.

My mom loves all of her children and she wants each to split whatever she has left. I do 100% of the caregiving, because my heart will not allow me to put her in a facility while there is enough strength in my body to let her stay at home. I get very little help. My significant other has had to live alone in our house for the past 3-4 years because my mother at 95 is a little selfish about staying in her own home until she can't. I'm trying. If I was paid a wage, I'm sure she'd owe me much more than anything she'll have at the end. Would I do ONE thing to avoid honoring my mother's decision to share equally with all siblings? Absolutely not. She was always strong on family ties, even when there was troubles between members. My siblings may decide not to talk to me in the future, but it will NOT be because I tried to deny them a share of what my mom leaves.
There's more to life than a dollar bill.
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What your mom leaves you is entirely up to HER
-- this has probably been her intent all of her life, to divide things with all of her kids.

Your sister shouldered the responsibility for a long time by herself and now you are helping. Had sister's health not become an issue, your participation would probably not have started yet.

Caregiving on a daily basis usually begins with who is closest, does not have a full time job or small children at home or who can or is willing to relocate. It also begins with the one person who cannot live with putting mom in a facility the moment she has some issues. Unfair?? Yes, but that's how it starts. And it will stay that way until the caregiver can no longer put one foot in front of the other any longer. The others MAY step in, but many would go ahead with the process of putting her in a home with only a fleeting thought of 'I don't know how so-n-so did it as long as she did. 99.9% of the time the caregiving role is done from the heart and not for the dollar.

Don't ask your mom about the money or estate again. Do what you do because you love her (like your sister did) or walk away so that everyone understands you may have had a motive. Expressing it does make you sound like a greedy little B just as you thought it might sound.
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annemculver Jun 2019
Wake up & smell the coffee:!this is century 21, not 19.
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My mother told me to my face that she was leaving me nothing, although I was the one who did everything for her, paid, paid and paid, my brother is the golden one, and basically did nothing and will get everything, Well, that really hurt me, not so much about the money, but what and how she said this to me. After years and years of abuse that she slung at me, I backed out. She is now 94, and I have not spoken to her in 8 years, my brother, now has full responsibility for her...so now he visits her once a year and calls her on occasion. She lives by herself in NC, sits alone, as no one else in the family speaks to her either, her brother hasn't for 35 years because of what she has done over the years and her nasty mouth.
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my2cents Jun 2019
annemculver - wake up and smell what coffee? not sure what you mean by that or century reference
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I'm in a similar situation.
My parents both feel my brother should inherit more than me. Their reasons are; he is male, he needs the help, and I have a husband to support me.
He needs the help because he is a drug addict and is verging on homelessness. But even prior to his downfall, he and his wife lived a life well outside his means - travel, dining, shopping, etc., they never managed to save a penny.

On the other hand my husband and I have been very careful with our money and are fortunate to own our home. My parents live with us rent free and I am their caregiver. My brother does nothing.

But they still insist he should inherit the bulk of their sizable estate.
I'm angry and resentful, but also resigned. I try to focus on the good stuff in my life. I really understand how frustrated and hurt you feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't sound like a greedy b, you sound like a daughter who feels neglected and hurt. I'm sorry. {{{hugs}}}
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annemculver Jun 2019
I grew up in a family like this; this is how it was in the 50s!! That it is still like that in the present century is not to be believed!! You have to let these relics of a “gone with the wind” Time know that 1. children should inherit equally, and 2. caregiving is legitimate work & should be
compensated! No more unpaid “women’s work”!
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