I know she will ask us to take her to her house for a visit but we are afraid this will be hard on her. She is having difficulty adjusting to her new living arrangements. Has anyone come up with this problem and how did you handle it?
They all want to go home, where ever they think it is. A couple of months is not enough time to acclimate.
I would tell her that when her doctor gives you a letter stating that she can return home you will take it under consideration. This is will never happen.
As for taking her back to her home, I would not recommend doing this. She will pull out all the stops to get what she wants, do what is best for her.
My mom wanted desperately to return home. Unfortunately her idea of home actually translated to a time in her life when she was independent and physically capable of self sufficiency. Everyone in the family insisted we celebrate Christmas that year in my mom’s house so she could enjoy the holiday in a traditional sense. Against my better judgment, I arranged for transportation from the NH. My mother was so excited but within an hour she seemed to come to the realization that “coming home” was not a realistic possibility. She actually asked to be returned to the NH earlier than was planned. I believe that day that she lost hope and began to lose her will to live. She passed within a few months.
I would simply tell her that you will bring her pictures so she can make herself a scrapbook, that going "back" isn't an option and is only grief for everyone involved, and that you are very sorry, but you don't wish to be a part of that. That this is her new life, and it is up to her to adjust to it now, either more or less happily. Some cannot be happy or even learn to be contented after so much loss, and make no mistake, at this age it is ALL ABOUT LOSS. It isn't easy. Allow her to express her feelings about it all ONCE a day to you, and then not to concentrate on it but to speak of other things. So sorry this is so difficult. But you cannot fix it. At the most I would do a "drive by". IF it is looking good, take some snapshots. My bro loves his "painting" from a picture, hanging in room; says loves looking at it, the comfy porch, and so on.
The “going back home” isn’t actually wanting to be back at the stove in her old kitchen but back to years ago when she was younger, fitter and presumably happier.
does her place have an activities director? If so I’d suggest you &/or Sissy have a quiet chat with them as to what all is planned for the month and what mom likes to do, how mom rolls in group situations. There's gonna be something crafty for valentines & maybe Mardi Gras coming up. Then you or Sis make it a point to go over early couple of days when an activity is happening and you take her to it AND you stay to help activities director. Not helicopter over mom but help with activities. AND you pay attention to what’s going on. I’ll bet mom is kinda just fine & there are couple of ladies she already friendly with. That “I wanna go home” tune is an attempt to manipulate you, guilt you.
Either that or you go all “Paulie Walnuts” on the son or daughter of the queen bee at the facility. Sopranos S4, E8 “mergers & acquisitions”.
Moving is hard on everyone and I suppose especially the elderly. Taking her for a visit might set your mom back even further. I never took my mom back to her house, afraid to go through the entire leaving it again emotions. She forgot her house soon and now is much happier most of the time.
I took my mother PAST “home” ONCE in the 10+ months she was living with me. I regretted that I had done it, and I’d never do it again.
“Home” is rarely if ever what we assume our LO is thinking. With your mom’s diagnosis, she will need increasing levels of support and care. She is presently attempting to balance what she remembers with what is happening now. To offer what you think she wants, as what SHE is thinking she wants, is adding a 3rd source of confusion to her own ability to reconcile her present.
That was painfully clear as we drove up the little tree shaded hill towards the home that had been my mother’s.
She ultimately made an excellent adjustment to the loving care she experienced in a well run nursing home during the last 5 1/2 years of her life.
I would tell her that when her doctor gives you a letter stating that she can return home you will take it under consideration. This is will never happen.
As for taking her back to her home, I would not recommend doing this. She will pull out all the stops to get what she wants, do what is best for her.
Good Luck!
does her place have an activities director? If so I’d suggest you &/or Sissy have a quiet chat with them as to what all is planned for the month and what mom likes to do, how mom rolls in group situations. There's gonna be something crafty for valentines & maybe Mardi Gras coming up. Then you or Sis make it a point to go over early couple of days when an activity is happening and you take her to it AND you stay to help activities director. Not helicopter over mom but help with activities. AND you pay attention to what’s going on. I’ll bet mom is kinda just fine & there are couple of ladies she already friendly with. That “I wanna go home” tune is an attempt to manipulate you, guilt you.
Either that or you go all “Paulie Walnuts” on the son or daughter of the queen bee at the facility. Sopranos S4, E8 “mergers & acquisitions”.
“Home” is rarely if ever what we assume our LO is thinking. With your mom’s diagnosis, she will need increasing levels of support and care. She is presently attempting to balance what she remembers with what is happening now. To offer what you think she wants, as what SHE is thinking she wants, is adding a 3rd source of confusion to her own ability to reconcile her present.
That was painfully clear as we drove up the little tree shaded hill towards the home that had been my mother’s.
She ultimately made an excellent adjustment to the loving care she experienced in a well run nursing home during the last 5 1/2 years of her life.