My sister and Dr. brother in law have gone behind 3 other siblings backs and signed her up for an ALF. She is refusing to go. What can we do? - AgingCare.com

My sister and Dr. brother in law have gone behind 3 other siblings backs and signed her up for an ALF. She is refusing to go. What can we do?

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She is competent. They have no legal rights except for just became health care surrogate shared with my “good” sister. I’m a RN and fully capable of taking my mom to live with me. If she wants to come live with me, can they do anything? Currently she is in a rehab but doing well. My sister doesn’t want her anymore. She has lived with them for the last 8 years but she wants to remain in control. What can we do?

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TNtechie said

"A Different Path:

Maybe mom needs to be in AFL - your sister has been providing her care for 8 years and is a position to know your mother's needs better than you. Or maybe your sister may be burned out and AFL is her method of relieving that burnout.

You are an RN and capable of providing her care, but you also work a job so you cannot be there 24/7 like the care she could receive in AFL. Maybe you should fly up and assess Mom's needs without being confrontational with your sister. You can always take her back to FL if your assessment is that she doesn't require AFL, but I think you should carefully consider the situation before taking that step"

Yes.

Your mom's care plan has been up to your sister for almost a decade, and given that she has been in rehab she seems to have had a major setback. Instead of assuming your sister is discarding her like a used tissue you might consider that she and her husband have reached the limit of their ability to care for her and arranged that she has a safe, supportive new home. POA is not a democracy, there was no obligation to take a vote among absent family members.
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Reply to cwillie
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Sounds like mom should change her POA's. As long as she is competent she can do that.
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Reply to gladimhere
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One Path:

Ask your mother to add you to her hippa disclosure list, get copies of medical records indicating competence, and take her to FL. Once there ask your mother to agree to POAs naming you as her decision maker if/when she becomes incompetent.

Siblings that feel a need to act in secret and ignore the parent's wishes generally don't need to be POAs. Beware that your sister may have DPOA too. Medical POA decides where she can live but DPOA is necessary to arrange ALF payment.

A Different Path:

Maybe mom needs to be in AFL - your sister has been providing her care for 8 years and is a position to know your mother's needs better than you. Or maybe your sister may be burned out and AFL is her method of relieving that burnout.

You are an RN and capable of providing her care, but you also work a job so you cannot be there 24/7 like the care she could receive in AFL. Maybe you should fly up and assess Mom's needs without being confrontational with your sister. You can always take her back to FL if your assessment is that she doesn't require AFL, but I think you should carefully consider the situation before taking that step.
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Reply to TNtechie
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If Mom is competent they cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do. I see no problem in u taking her to Fla. Just realize, if she needs Medicaid at any point, she will need to live in Fla a certain length of time.
I would speak to the AL and explain that Mom did not give her consent for sister to sign her into the facility. Healthcare proxy does not give them the right to tell Mom what to do if she can make decisions.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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