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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
While others mention AA / alcoholism, I do not see anything from you mentioning this. Please share more information with us - to be able to offer more support.
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Get legal documents in order. Are you/family on any documents - as an alternate with your mom can't handle?
Perhaps mom needs to talk to a professional in the field of dementia to deal with her denial / resistance to help / support.
Try to get a three way meeting with a professional as often family 'support' is ignored when a professional is heard.
Ugh, what a nightmare!! When my dad started developing symptoms of dementia around 2017, my mom vacillated between horror, denial, and helplessness, and I lived 850 miles away. He was doing a lot of damage to the house, having car accidents, getting lost, and giving away large amounts of his retirement savings. Police were called at least once. My mom just wrung her hands and called me daily to wail how there was nothing she could do.
It took a lot but I managed to convince them both to update their legal documents when I saw this coming, then I got her to agree to get him tested and diagnosed, then medicated, and to cooperate on not letting him access credit cards, retirement and checking accounts, etc. and took away his driving privileges (that was a screaming fight). She was leaning on me more and more and developing aging issues of her own, and moved up very near me (90% my doing) a few years into this. Even then, my mom would not stop him from doing some dangerous and illegal things such as wandering nearly naked in the road at all hours or climbing up on the roof. She also fired almost all the aides I found. He ended up passing away in spring 2024 after four months of in-home hospice. I kept urging her to put him in care because she was on the brink of a nervous breakdown most of the time, but she refused until the very end, 3 days before he passed. At the same time, she refused to do any hands-on care.
There was no hoarding or firearms or alcoholism, all of which sound awful. I just wanted to wish you strength, wisdom, and peace getting through this.
If I had to do it all over again, at the point where I convinced them to move near me, I would say it had to be into a continuum of care place. At the time I tried, but she cried and gave 1,000 reasons why that would never work and I gave in.
You may not be able to change her mind. APS will probably do nothing if he is being adequately cared for. Suggest to your mom to have an aide come in for a couple hours once or twice a week to give her assistance, just to try it out. If she is a retired nurse, she is accustomed to giving direction to an assistant. She is also probably aware of the difficulties of working with someone who is not well-trained, or unmotivated to work. So many home care assistants I've talked with lately only want to sit and watch tv with the patient, to "babysit" so I can go shopping for an hour or two. That is of NO help to me! And going shopping is an errand, not a break for me! To leave my husband with someone who will do nothing to help out is ridiculous! They literally say they will not or can not do any "hands on" care. Then, there are good, trained CNA's who want to work, but don't want to have to come to my house because it's too far. I'm literally 20 min. outside of a major metropolitan city! I'm just pointing out - even if your mom accepts getting help, it can be challenging to find good help!
Your Dad likely still has capacity. Your Mom is living with him. It is frustrating but you cannot force anyone and Adult Protection is for people who cannot make decisions. Or have no one. My step mom did this to us. So we backed off. We stopped getting their groceries. We stopped driving him to five appointments a week and refuse to take him to six different stores a day. He is late 80s and many fractures. They refused help and get mad when neighbours started to back off. We decided that they have money they waste. Let them make their own arrangements. So last admission to hospital we told social worker the issue and asked for her to tell my Stepmom he needed respite to give her a break. They both fell for that. It is not my responsibility to manage two people who should be in an apartment. I am not asking my husband nor adult kids to do their yard work. They figured it out. They ask others but they back off. They pay people for hard work. Pay people to do gardens. Starting to get taxis. You need to stop making it easy. Tell your mom it is easier to get care in a hurry when there is some already set up. Tell her that you do not plan to be the caregiver. You are the daughter.
For some background: my parents are hoarders. My mother regularly over-medicates and under-medicates my father to make him more compliant. She refuses assistance, insisting that she “knows best.” My father has bipolar disorder. I live over 1,000 miles away, so much of the responsibility has fallen on my two younger sisters. We have begun attending medical appointments because my mother is not honest with providers about either of their health conditions. Adult Protective Services became involved after she allowed my father to continue driving, which resulted in a car accident. He is a retired sheriff’s deputy and still had access to a firearm. My mother also struggles with alcoholism and anorexia.
THERE it is ! The missing piece to the puzzle . The alcoholics ( who still drink ) rarely want any help to see exactly how much they drink .
Perhaps getting Dad to agree to go live in assisted living where he would get proper care is the answer . If he lacks capacity you could try for guardianship of your father and have him placed in assisted living . Your mother is unfit to be his caregiver . Mom may also be a lost cause . The elderly alcoholics who drink are often a lost cause and will not allow help in or leave their homes . They refuse to move to senior care where they can’t drink all that they want . They often prefer to die on their own terms at home .
Don’t help Mom . If you have been helping, it is creating a false independence in your Mom’s mind . Stop propping them up . Let them fail . Something will happen to force a change . What happened when APS came ? You could also call their local County Area Agency of Aging and have a social worker come out and do a needs assessment . Perhaps the social worker could get through to Mom about getting in home help.
I hope calling APS doesn't backfire on you and get mom to stop speaking to you. Why not leave mom alone to make her own decisions if dad only has early dementia?
We need more info. How old is Mom? Is she showing signs of Dementia? Why do you feel she can't care for Dad? Really, if an LPN or RN, she knows more than any aides she could hire.
I am an old retired nurse, and yeah, you will have a hard time convincing Mom to do it YOUR way. She will more and more resent and fight you. Can you tell us more about why this cannot go on?
Can you tell us a bit about Dad and his needs? Can you tell us why Mom needs help? What exactly is happening to her at this point? Can you tell us what you suggested and how she responded?
Can you tell us if APS has arrived, and what their assessment is, and whether or not you girls have POA for your parents. Is your mother fully mentally competent? What is happening as a result of her not getting in some help? Do they have assets to afford help?
Without information we can be of such limited help to you, but the one thing we CAN do is wish the best for this New Year.
For now, be certain you are not enabling this decision of your mom's by helping them out too much. Be certain to tread as lightly as you can. For an old RN to give up "control" in a matter is gonna take an earthquake. She will KNOW all about APS and it may be the quaking she needs.
It’s not uncommon for a spouse in a long marriage to feel they can and want to do it all in caregiving. Sometimes they have to find out on their own that it’s not sustainable. Sometimes it takes an event happening that forces change, and an event always comes. And sometimes it’s a sign that the caregiver is experiencing a decline of their own and may have lost the ability to make rational decisions. APS is unlikely to get involved if dad is basically safe, fed, and clean. But he will be on their radar for the future.
How did that turn out for you? Have they visited mom and dad yet? Are you prepared to accept their findings? Sometimes we have to allow things to play out to a stage to where events are actionable. Do you know what you want for them? There are no perfect solutions. Manage your own anxiety with healthy actions and realize mom may be doing the best she can and dad may be in the best space possible for this stage of his illness.
Tell us more for better support. Breathe deeply and pace yourself. We care.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
- - - - - -
Get legal documents in order.
Are you/family on any documents - as an alternate with your mom can't handle?
Perhaps mom needs to talk to a professional in the field of dementia to deal with her denial / resistance to help / support.
Try to get a three way meeting with a professional as often family 'support' is ignored when a professional is heard.
Gena / Touch Matters
There is really no way to compromise or negotiate with an active using alcoholic. They are going to do what they are going to do.
It took a lot but I managed to convince them both to update their legal documents when I saw this coming, then I got her to agree to get him tested and diagnosed, then medicated, and to cooperate on not letting him access credit cards, retirement and checking accounts, etc. and took away his driving privileges (that was a screaming fight). She was leaning on me more and more and developing aging issues of her own, and moved up very near me (90% my doing) a few years into this. Even then, my mom would not stop him from doing some dangerous and illegal things such as wandering nearly naked in the road at all hours or climbing up on the roof. She also fired almost all the aides I found. He ended up passing away in spring 2024 after four months of in-home hospice. I kept urging her to put him in care because she was on the brink of a nervous breakdown most of the time, but she refused until the very end, 3 days before he passed. At the same time, she refused to do any hands-on care.
There was no hoarding or firearms or alcoholism, all of which sound awful. I just wanted to wish you strength, wisdom, and peace getting through this.
If I had to do it all over again, at the point where I convinced them to move near me, I would say it had to be into a continuum of care place. At the time I tried, but she cried and gave 1,000 reasons why that would never work and I gave in.
Suggest to your mom to have an aide come in for a couple hours once or twice a week to give her assistance, just to try it out. If she is a retired nurse, she is accustomed to giving direction to an assistant. She is also probably aware of the difficulties of working with someone who is not well-trained, or unmotivated to work. So many home care assistants I've talked with lately only want to sit and watch tv with the patient, to "babysit" so I can go shopping for an hour or two.
That is of NO help to me! And going shopping is an errand, not a break for me!
To leave my husband with someone who will do nothing to help out is ridiculous!
They literally say they will not or can not do any "hands on" care.
Then, there are good, trained CNA's who want to work, but don't want to have to come to my house because it's too far. I'm literally 20 min. outside of a major metropolitan city! I'm just pointing out - even if your mom accepts getting help, it can be challenging to find good help!
when neighbours started to back off. We decided that they have money they waste. Let them
make their own arrangements. So last admission to hospital we told social worker the issue and asked for her to tell my Stepmom he needed respite to give her a break. They both fell for that. It is not my responsibility to manage two people who should be in an apartment. I am not asking my husband nor adult kids to do their yard work. They figured it out. They ask others but they back off. They pay people for hard work. Pay people to do gardens. Starting to get taxis. You need to stop making it easy. Tell your mom it is easier to get care in a hurry when there is some already set up. Tell her that you do not plan to be the caregiver. You are the daughter.
I live over 1,000 miles away, so much of the responsibility has fallen on my two younger sisters. We have begun attending medical appointments because my mother is not honest with providers about either of their health conditions.
Adult Protective Services became involved after she allowed my father to continue driving, which resulted in a car accident. He is a retired sheriff’s deputy and still had access to a firearm. My mother also struggles with alcoholism and anorexia.
Perhaps getting Dad to agree to go live in assisted living where he would get proper care is the answer . If he lacks capacity you could try for guardianship of your father and have him placed in assisted living . Your mother is unfit to be his caregiver . Mom may also be a lost cause .
The elderly alcoholics who drink are often a lost cause and will not allow help in or leave their homes . They refuse to move to senior care where they can’t drink all that they want . They often prefer to die on their own terms at home .
You and your sisters should go to Al-Anon .
Something will happen to force a change .
What happened when APS came ?
You could also call their local County Area Agency of Aging and have a social worker come out and do a needs assessment . Perhaps the social worker could get through to Mom about getting in home help.
I am an old retired nurse, and yeah, you will have a hard time convincing Mom to do it YOUR way. She will more and more resent and fight you.
Can you tell us more about why this cannot go on?
Can you tell us a bit about Dad and his needs?
Can you tell us why Mom needs help?
What exactly is happening to her at this point?
Can you tell us what you suggested and how she responded?
Can you tell us if APS has arrived, and what their assessment is, and whether or not you girls have POA for your parents.
Is your mother fully mentally competent?
What is happening as a result of her not getting in some help?
Do they have assets to afford help?
Without information we can be of such limited help to you, but the one thing we CAN do is wish the best for this New Year.
For now, be certain you are not enabling this decision of your mom's by helping them out too much.
Be certain to tread as lightly as you can. For an old RN to give up "control" in a matter is gonna take an earthquake.
She will KNOW all about APS and it may be the quaking she needs.
Have they visited mom and dad yet?
Are you prepared to accept their findings?
Sometimes we have to allow things to play out to a stage to where events are actionable.
Do you know what you want for them?
There are no perfect solutions.
Manage your own anxiety with healthy actions and realize mom may be doing the best she can and dad may be in the best space possible for this stage of his illness.
Tell us more for better support. Breathe deeply and pace yourself. We care.