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She hollers and gets mad and raises her voice at her daughters and is accusatory of us being selfish, lying and theft! However she never does any of those things with our brother.

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In my mother's generation, men were idolized and worshipped even more so than they are nowadays. My mother still flirts with men and she's 94 with dementia. She has an entirely different personality with a man than she does a woman, which is why I always bring my husband with me when we go to visit her in Memory Care. Her sharp teeth come out with me, with him she's sweet as pie.

In her family of 8 siblings, the boys were treated much better than the girls. One of the boys was a monster, yet he was treated like gold until his dying day. Lots of excuses were made for his disgusting behavior, too, believe it or not, which I could never understand. But hey, he was a MAN, after all. So apparently he could do no wrong. Ask his children though, and they will tell you an entirely different story that would curl your hair.

In my mother's generation, women were groomed to be servants, men were there to be waited on BY the women. Women were second class, men were first class.

Hopefully we have broken that cycle of dysfunction in our generation, at least to some degree. I pray the current & future generations will continue to blast thru those stereotypes and expectations put on women & both sexes will be treated equally forever more. Fingers crossed, right? :)
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Cookie25 Apr 14, 2021
I love the pic of ur little dog she is precious & thanks for ur response it is helpful!
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many mothers are jealous of their daughters.

she’ll say she’s behaving that way because YOU did x, y, z...she’ll always blame you.

don’t believe it.
you’re sweet and helping.
indeed, you’re very likely super angelic in all the kind ways you help.

she’s JEALOUS.
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shuffle Apr 14, 2021
I have been asking that question my whole life. I have an older sister and a younger brother. He is the preferred, Not like he did anything to deserve it either. My sister and I have always been super accommodating. There has always been a pecking order in my family. My father, my mother, my brother, my sister and then me. Till this day there has been no sign of solidarity from my sister nor my mother. Growing up there were numerous indicators that she preferred him and tried to get us to be like her about him. Recently they moved in with me, he got the bulk of the inheritance, and was not the least embarrassed to accept it. And I got them. :)
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She’s part of a generation that largely shows deference to men. By the same token, women are often seen as household help, care givers, nurturers. She’s not changing, but what you choose for yourself certainly can. I’d leave every time I was yelled at or accused. No one deserves that
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Why indeed?

My mother ADORES her sons and we girls are kind of second hand citizens.

She felt that my dad loved me best, so there's that. Whenever she gets mad at me (often) she will just say "Well, your father loved you best", which instead of making me feel BETTER makes me feel WORSE.

IDK--whole books have been written about this and I don't get it. I have one son and 4 daughters. I love them all the same, but differently. They tease that I love my son the most, but I most assuredly do not.

Now they all have kids, they understand better that you can have one child that is more enjoyable to be with--doesn't mean you love them more. They're just easier to spend time with.
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I am the only girl. I did the most for my parents.

My father was always appreciative. My mother expected me to do everything. She never wanted to impose on my brothers.

Mom always felt like men were more important.

It was a different era with different attitudes.

Men were waited on hand and foot. Women were servants.
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gdaughter Apr 16, 2021
ANd this is why my father continues to expect me to be his demented wife replacement and serve him. SO many times I feel like grasping each arm and blinking and saying "Yes Master" like (I dream of ) Jeannie would!.
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I feel for you. I came from a large family of 6 children (2 boys, 4 girls). I was number 4, until my one brother passed and am now smack dab in the middle.
If you do any reading on middle children, they are suppose to be the negotiators in the world, but in their family of origin they are also the invisible ones. Never heard or listened to. Basically dismissed. Maybe that's why they become negotiators in the real world? lol

I would go elsewhere to find good caring friends and loved ones, and move forward with my life, and then family of origin members would get jealous of me. So, sometimes it's a no win situation.

I felt I never got much care growing up as there were too many other children to take care of, in particular the one sister older than me because she was often sick with allergies, bronchitis, pneumonia, etc. Luckily I was a physically healthy child. :) And aside from her there was another favorite. Every family has them, although the parents will never admit it.
(I swore I would never have that many children. Each could not receive the love and care they needed to grow up feeling loved, heard, cared for, and healthy, and I would never play one against the other as my mom often did and still does to meet her needs...)

In my parents era, as others have said here, the males are the 'more important ones' and handle all the financials for them, etc. Thank God that's changed, finally. lol
My other brother is the last male left and mom signed him over to be the POA for her. He doesn't want to do it, and his wife does lots of it for him. He's a good guy, but just doesn't want the responsibility or even know how to handle it all. It appears the females do most of the work and care, at least in our family's case.

The youngest sister is the 'golden child' who has been in numerous trouble, but can never do any wrong. example: Her 4 children who don't wear masks or even got the vaccines (one of them did get covid at some point), were allowed in to see and visit with Grandma for Cmas. Mine were at first told they couldn't even visit, but told later, only if they stayed outside, even though they came in from another state they got tested ahead of time, wore masks the entire time, (even in my home) etc., they had to stay outside to see her. I was not allowed to even visit her at C-Mas, because she was 'too tired' with all others visiting her. (Some of this was sibling driven also...) That was extremely hurtful to not only me, but my children. So, you just learn and move on...

It's unfortunate that parents do this to their children, and many unknowingly, but it does leave its long lasting effects. As adults, we have to process through all of this, and wake up to taking care of ourselves and our needs with understanding of what our parents did to us, both bad and good. Obviously they're not perfect, as no one is.

My lesson learned is to never treat my children that way. I'm sure they'll complain about some of the things I said or did to them, as I'm not perfect either, but I pray I do a better job. ( You do the best job you can with what you know at the time.)

So, when you wake up and see how you've been or are being treated, you learn, and don't go back to your old ways of just giving, giving, giving hoping you'll be seen and heard when it's not appreciated, but expected. Then you get to decide what you need to do to heal your wounds and how to handle things moving forward.
Just remember, you have value and should be treated accordingly. If not by others, at least by yourself! I wish you well in finding what works best for you and your mom and family.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 15, 2021
I got ignored for being the girl and the middle child but we are good negotiators!

I was the kid that had severe allergies and it didn’t make much difference. I went to an allergist as an adult.
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My 91 year old MIL is the same way. She has a son (my husband) and a daughter and she has always respected and treated her son better. He didn't cause her as much trouble so we thought that was it, but once grandchildren came along, the pattern continued. I also have a son and daughter and she hardly knew who my daughter was (now she doesn't know who anyone is), even though she is the sweetest person alive and does things for her expecting and receiving no pay. My son won't go over there for less than 20 dollars. She adored my son and he was a juvenile delinquent for many years! All of the trouble he got into was excused and she would take him in when we told her not to. It was awful. I do think it is generational. It's aggravating as heck though.
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Lymie61 Apr 16, 2021
This made me chuckle bluebell19, I had a grandmother who always gushed over my brothers but didn’t seem to have much use for me, I don’t think she knew or cared to know how to approach me. To be fair I stood up to her a bit too, “I will pay to have your room redecorated but only if it’s hot pink” “I don’t want anything in hot pink” but I suddenly gained status when I bore a son, the first great grandchild but a son. Lol She was not really nurturing in the traditional sense including with her sons.
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It appears that most of the posters here are female, and they are discussing interactions with their mothers. However, I've wondered if the "reciprocal" relationship is similar. My maternal grandfather seemed to be critical of me, but to him my sister was more or less the "golden child". For example, when I didn't understand what he wanted at one point, he just said "you're so damned dumb!" (but I didn't let this bother me because two universities have certified otherwise). He outlived my grandmother by nearly 6 years, but while the latter was alive, she pointed out that my grandfather had three brothers but no sisters growing up, so when my mother was born (an only child), he was so happy to have a daughter, and this feeling extended somewhat to his attitude toward his two grandchildren. However, my grandmother added that even though he behaves this way toward me, he brags about me to other people. I would have been happier if didn't say anything to others but was kinder to me!

I think my father preferred me, but that was probably because I was more obedient than my sister was while we were growing up.

While growing up, I wasn't athletic enough, and my sister wasn't a good-enough student, to please our mother. I've never felt a calling to have children, so I guess I've done my part to allow such silliness to die out.
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bundleofjoy Apr 16, 2021
hi jacob,

hug!

there are exceptions, but:

some women (doesn’t matter it’s a mother, etc.) are jealous of other women.

some men (doesn’t matter it’s a grandfather, etc.) are jealous of other men.

we must continue being our great selves!
don’t let people trample you down.

hard, but if possible:
in one ear, out the other.
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My mother has doted on my brother since birth.  I had to work a job while in highschool to buy my own prom dress.  When I asked why my brother didn't have to work, I was told he needed to rest so he could play sports.  My mother even made me memorize his social security number when I was a child and when I asked why, mom said he may need my assistance one day so I needed to know.   My brother does not do anything for my mom.  I had to sell her house, sell her car, pay her bills, file her taxes, pick up her meds, take her to dr appointments, do her laundry, etc.  I have my own home and a full time job.  He refuses to share in moms care and rarely visits her now that I've moved her to assisted living, soon to be memory care. But she always asks about him...it's always about him.  You just have to take a deep breath and take the high road.  Recognize that you're the better person for it.  I know it's hard but when your mom accuses you of stealing something, just change the subject or laugh it off....or if you are feeling particularly cheeky that day, suggest that maybe your brother took it. LOL
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Just the way it is. In my mother's day, males were more important than females. When I was a kid for example, if my mom decided that there wasn't enough food, my Grandfather, Father, and my little brother got the food and I did without. This happened especially if the food was meat. Grandpa and Dad worked, so they needed the meat, my little brother was sickly, so he needed the meat. I would have to sit at the table and watch them eat and I didn't dare ask for any.

One time, when I was a working mom with 2 girls, and mom lived with us, I was cooking dinner. Mom looked at the ham and decided there wasn't enough for all of us, so she said, "There isn't enough for all of us, Jack will get the meat, because he works hard" I told her, What the Hell did she think I did, and in this house we all share and share alike. She got mad and went to her apartment. That left more for the rest of us. :-D
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