My question is about sundowner syndrome, advice?

Mikeykevin12: Imho, employ the proverbial white lie.

I say "let's stay here tonight it's already paid for"

Honestly, I’d defer everything to tomorrow. “I’ll come and pick you up tomorrow, Mom.”

You’re not lying by not telling her about her house. Because you have told her! And she’s forgotten it. You tell her again, she’ll forget again. After a while, it’s only a punishment to yourself, and to her because it will inevitably cause her to become upset for no purpose.

I have not one doubt that you wish things (and her) were different, but these things we say to protect our parents are ZERO different than the things our parents used to tell us to protect us. How many of us got a “No, because I said so,” growing up?

Don’t feel badly. Ultimately, tell her what she needs to hear.

I agree with others who commented: your priority should be keeping her safe and calm. Telling her the "truth" might help you feel more comfortable, but it will only upset her, over and over, night after night, and it's needless. Give yourself permission to prioritize her comfort over yours.

I had a friend once who worked in professional institutional caregiving, and she would consistently tell those who wanted to go home sure, no problem, your family's coming, why don't you think about what you need to pack? Most of the time, she said, they might get out their suitcase and put a few things in, then would forget why they were doing it, the caregivers would put those things away again once they'd wandered away, and the anxiety would pass. That always seemed to me a very humane way to handle it.

Don't bother talking about the house, she is experiencing anxiety. It might be better to talk to her health care provider about a mild anti-anxiety medication to help remain calmer during this time of the day.

Ditto to soothing/calming her with therapeutic fibs. The goal is to keep her calm and content, not "informed of the truth" -- she can no longer retain and process the truth and you don't know which home she's referring to. My 99-yr old aunt sundowns every afternoon like clockwork and talks about going home & the address she gives is the one of her childhood, not the house she's in now or the one she had pre-retirement.

Other strategies are: redirecting the conversation (and just keep redirecting it); signing her up for an activity in her wing (you'd probably need help from the admin or staff to get her there); installing timers on all her lights (daylight wattage) so they go on before she starts sundowning and reduces the amount of shadows in her apartment. Wishing you success in helping to calm her!

My limited experience with sundowning is that the questions, demands and issues raised during that period aren't remembered the next day.   So soothing your mother's concerns by changing the subject, telling "therapeutic lies", and avoiding anything that would upset her is the better course of action.

Also remind yourself that "lies" are  to sooth and calm her, but they aren't for nefarious purposes (unlike politicians who seem to be able to lie quite easily.)

Better to keep lying. Just say, Mom you are home.

Be aware that home may not be the last place she lived. It could be a childhood home. The first house she ever owned.