My mom's feet are swelling so bad. So the doctor decided to put her on water pills. What am I going to do now? I already have a problem changing her diapers, now its every time I turn around. What can I do?
I live with them now. I havent given up my job and i wont. Im just going to stay in a hotel for a few days. The nurse came and everyone disappeared. So i told the nurse what was going on what she does about it is up to her. Im just so upset. How can he honestly think that im such a bad person now. I just dont get it. He doesnt want me here ill leave. See how far my brother gets with them. Now he says im not feeding them properly and im shutting off their oxygen. Hes losing it. And im the one doing everything bad.
Debbie, it’s time for you to leave this toxic environment. Explain to your son that just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean he has to stop loving his grandparents. Stop engaging (fighting, arguing, explaining, blaming, etc.) and get out. You tried. You really tried. If you act like a victim, they will treat you like one. If you let them blame you and put you in the middle, they sure as heck will. When you try to fight back, they jump all over you. Now, if you’re OK with this, then so be it. Feeling guilty and obligated only goes so far. After a while, you have to kind of wonder why you put up with all this poison.
Go now, leave APS up to the Hospice and don’t look back.
Blessings, Debbie. Please let us know how you are doing. Be patient but firm with your son and don’t let him guilt you into going back. You’re the boss and you have made the (right) decision to put you and your son first. He will come to realize that in time.
He totally understands. He just wants to please everyone. But he cant. We are safe now. We can get back to being ourselves. We are going to a ball game tonight. Going to have some fun.
Barbbrooklyn, you all have been such a blessing and so supportive. This morning i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, now the sun is shining. And even if its just for a little while i see hope now.
No guilt, when you have done your best and there is no appreciation and you are told in a vial manner to leave, you do just that and shake the dust off your feet.
Do whatever you have to, to find a home for you and your son. Do not go back unless there is a caregiver agreement in writing. The hardest thing I ever had to face with my dad was that he didn't want help, he demanded servitude. Maybe in a different life but not this one, just because you donated a squiggly doesn't mean you get to chew me up and spit me out, again and again and again and...
Stay strong for you and your son. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
Im trying to stay strong. All im doing is crying. My father guilted my son into going back. He said my brother went home and left them alone. Such a wonderful guy dont you think? (Being sarcastic). Im still the bad daughter. My father truly thinks im trying to kill him and my mom by shutting off their oxygen. Ive never shut the oxygen off unless my mom was smoking. Thats it. And i always turn it right back on. His oxygen was on all night. He swears it wasnt. Hes dreaming. It hurts so much that my brother would put that in his head. He doesnt realize that my son and i really dont want anything from my parents. We were there because we wanted to help. Maybe my brother is getting greedy or something. Maybe he thinks they have money or something. Well they dont. He can have it all. And everything that goes with it. I miss them though. Its so tough.
Debbie, detach from this situation and take care of yourself. I’m sorry your son chose to return to his grandparents house, but not surprised. He’s made his choice. You can’t kidnap him and lock him up in your house. If he sees how they treat you and went back to his grandparents’ house anyway, you’ll just have to live with it.
You are out of the situation. Who says what about you doesn’t matter anymore. The insults, the accusations, the anger, that is all in the past. Leave it there. Don’t allow yourself to be exposed to it any longer. They can only abuse you if you let them.
Im just staying by myself. And ive never felt so alone. I dont know what to do. Too much time on my hands. Ordered room service and stayed in bed and now i cant get up. Its almost 2 in the afternoon and im still in my pajamas.
It sounds like your father may have some cognitive decline or dementia going on. If that's the case, you can't reason with him, his brain isn't working right. It's common with dementia for parents to get paranoid and think that their children or spouse is trying to steal from them or kill them or that others are trying to get them. That sounds like what your dad is experiencing. There's no reasoning with that kind of brain issue.
Just go back to your home and try to take your son with you. When your folks crash and burn, you can decide if you want to get involved or not. But let hospice know you're leaving. Hugs to you and your son.
Debbie, allow yourself this weekend to wallow in your misery. Then, come Monday, get up and get moving. Don’t let these people (your son included) win. You aren’t making anybody miserable but yourself. Remember what it was like when you were there. The stress level had to be unbelievable. Now, you have another chance. You said you have a home and a job. Go back to both. Keep yourself busy and don’t obsess over past hurts. Start clean Monday morning and prove to them that they need you more than you need them.
I am not trying to be hurtful, I am asking because I think you are codependent with the dysfunction. It happens when we are trained from a young child that this is your family and life, no choice. However, we grow up and that is not the truth. You have choices. You matter as much as anyone of them. Do not take blame for things you have not done, of course you have screwed up, we all do, me all the time, but it doesn't mean that I am willing to be verbally abused, you have to own that you deserve respect and civility, you have stepped up to do a very hard job and maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. I am not, I tell people that I would probably kill my dad because I can't even remember to take my own pills let alone remember someone else's and forget about 3 meals at the same time everyday. It is okay to not be able to do this, do not let anyone manipulate you into doing something you can't or don't want to do.
Do you have a home of your own? Can you go back to work? You need to get busy living your life and let others do the same, including your son. It will be hard, no doubt about that, just try to find someone that can help you help yourself, I'm guessing that there is a lifetime of dysfunctional behaviour and belittling of you that needs to be worked through to find your balance.
May God give you strength and courage to walk this journey.
Your not being harsh. Its all the truth. I gave up my home but i deal black jack at a local casino. I took a leave of absence. I thought i could get everything taken care of and go back to work. So as of right now i have no where to go. Im stuck. The dysfunction is blossoming bright and im left with nothing. Its ok. I have a some money saved. Ill get a place and go back to work. Ill have to walk away.
D, that is not true, "I have nothing left." You obviously are deeply hurt and caregiving is so very isolating that we all feel alone at times. You are not alone, even if you are by yourself, you are not alone. I can only imagine by my own experience how much all of this feels so overwhelming. When the people we love most turn on us it is devastating and can wreck our hearts and minds.
Okay, so you are there, one thing at a time right now. Write a letter to all involved (for you) get all of your feelings out in it, yell, scream, cry, tell them off, tell them what you feel and how they have hurt you and what you see happening. Now that you've done that and had a good cry, cuz that is what will happen, you are facing the realities, the injustices, hurt feelings et al., tear that up, destroy the garbage in it and let it go. This will help you to see you in all this giant mess. And that is what you need to do 1st, see You! Not seeing the trees through the forest is what happens when we are overwhelmed and feel abandoned. It took me hours to write mine and I cried a river, a good cleansing, wash away river, my eyes were swollen for 2 days but, I got rid of all the weight of the hurt, anger and pain and said things I wouldn't have said to the people, I didn't want to hurt them back, boy was I mad though and I could have easily been as ugly as them, I just can't sink to their level, it's not me and I could not do one thing to let them justify their behavior.
It make take you a day or two to process everything you just threw away. That's okay, cry as much as you need to. Then you will be ready to face the rest of your life. Make a written plan with goals and what steps you need to take to achieve each one. This can be modified and updated as things evolve. Just remember YOU in all of it. Right now circumstances are such that you need to be a little selfish, others can go on the back burner until you are strong enough to not be devoured again. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile and feel valuable, whatever that is. It will take time and perseverance but you can do it, you can have a healthy, happy, loving life. Even without those people. I have a family that loves me, as I am, warts and all, and not one of them is blood. I learned that if I let my bio family define me, I would never be good enough and i would always just be their scratching post.
If it is your hearts desire to have a relationship with them, please get stronger 1st and set boundaries. Do not move back in, you can not live with that kind of instability and get strong, no one can.
Let me know how your garbage disposal goes. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
Debbie, I know you read and answer all our posts to you. You can prove to your family that you’re ok on your own by just putting on your big girl pants and doing it, hon! I hope you are also able to take the advice we give to heart because there is a lot of good and loving advice there. But, we cannot force you to do anything. If, like Isthisreallyreal said, you are codependent on the dysfunction of your family, all we write isn’t going to change this. You have to want to do it for yourself. Go back to work. Dealing blackjack takes concentration and you will be able to get out of youself for a while. Get a small, cozy place for yourself. Would you consider getting a kitty or a small dog? A reason to look forward to coming home if that’s for you. My mom used to say “Time heals all wounds. And it also wounds all heels. “ Be good to yourself. See a therapist. Hang in there. Hugs!
Time heals all wombs.. so true. And now all of a sudden my dad cant do any of this without me. He says im the person who keeps everyone together and they are a mess without me. I didnt answer the text right away, i let him wait for half the day and told him i was out looking for someplace to live (which i have been) and i was settled down for the night, was going to watch the hockey game. Why dont you come home and watch it and i said maybe next time. And didnt answer him again. And i got a text this morning that said "Sunday dinner?" I never answered. Dysfunction and codependency are so hard to break. You just want to make everything better. And i know in my heart its my turn. My son is taking alot of it now but i told him he had a choice. Hes welcome with me anytime. And hes the one who comforts and pays attention to my mom. He sits with her at night so often and they do a crossword puzzle or a jumble puzzle. Or the comics. Shes forever asking him what the family circle was for the day. God bless my son.seriously. ill keep in touch.thanks for everything.
Isthisrealyreal, ive read your post 4 time already. I wish i could be strong. Sometimes i feel so weak. Like im caving in. And then the tears come and i dont think i can stand it anymore. But today is brighter, havent even cried. Had a late breakfast with a girlfriend i hadnt spoke to in so long. Now im going to take a nap and thenstart looking for a place to again. I saw one place yesterday close to my parents. Within walking distance. Im wondering if thats too close. Im also going to check out counseling tomorrow. See what my insurance covers and such. I need to get all of this out. Let it go. Be debbie again. But surprisingly im not too worried. I know if i dig deep i have it in me. I mean i raised my son by myself. And hes the best thing since sliced bread.
Everything is still the same. Dont really feel comfortable sharing anymore. I wish i could give you good news but i cant. Thank you for your concern. Be safe.
Go now, leave APS up to the Hospice and don’t look back.
If anyone tries to draw you back in, please reach out here for support!
Do whatever you have to, to find a home for you and your son. Do not go back unless there is a caregiver agreement in writing. The hardest thing I ever had to face with my dad was that he didn't want help, he demanded servitude. Maybe in a different life but not this one, just because you donated a squiggly doesn't mean you get to chew me up and spit me out, again and again and again and...
Stay strong for you and your son. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!
You are out of the situation. Who says what about you doesn’t matter anymore. The insults, the accusations, the anger, that is all in the past. Leave it there. Don’t allow yourself to be exposed to it any longer. They can only abuse you if you let them.
Just go back to your home and try to take your son with you. When your folks crash and burn, you can decide if you want to get involved or not. But let hospice know you're leaving. Hugs to you and your son.
Are you afraid to have your own life?
I am not trying to be hurtful, I am asking because I think you are codependent with the dysfunction. It happens when we are trained from a young child that this is your family and life, no choice. However, we grow up and that is not the truth. You have choices. You matter as much as anyone of them. Do not take blame for things you have not done, of course you have screwed up, we all do, me all the time, but it doesn't mean that I am willing to be verbally abused, you have to own that you deserve respect and civility, you have stepped up to do a very hard job and maybe you are not cut out to be a caregiver. I am not, I tell people that I would probably kill my dad because I can't even remember to take my own pills let alone remember someone else's and forget about 3 meals at the same time everyday. It is okay to not be able to do this, do not let anyone manipulate you into doing something you can't or don't want to do.
Do you have a home of your own? Can you go back to work? You need to get busy living your life and let others do the same, including your son. It will be hard, no doubt about that, just try to find someone that can help you help yourself, I'm guessing that there is a lifetime of dysfunctional behaviour and belittling of you that needs to be worked through to find your balance.
May God give you strength and courage to walk this journey.
Okay, so you are there, one thing at a time right now. Write a letter to all involved (for you) get all of your feelings out in it, yell, scream, cry, tell them off, tell them what you feel and how they have hurt you and what you see happening. Now that you've done that and had a good cry, cuz that is what will happen, you are facing the realities, the injustices, hurt feelings et al., tear that up, destroy the garbage in it and let it go. This will help you to see you in all this giant mess. And that is what you need to do 1st, see You! Not seeing the trees through the forest is what happens when we are overwhelmed and feel abandoned. It took me hours to write mine and I cried a river, a good cleansing, wash away river, my eyes were swollen for 2 days but, I got rid of all the weight of the hurt, anger and pain and said things I wouldn't have said to the people, I didn't want to hurt them back, boy was I mad though and I could have easily been as ugly as them, I just can't sink to their level, it's not me and I could not do one thing to let them justify their behavior.
It make take you a day or two to process everything you just threw away. That's okay, cry as much as you need to. Then you will be ready to face the rest of your life. Make a written plan with goals and what steps you need to take to achieve each one. This can be modified and updated as things evolve. Just remember YOU in all of it. Right now circumstances are such that you need to be a little selfish, others can go on the back burner until you are strong enough to not be devoured again. Do one thing everyday that makes you smile and feel valuable, whatever that is. It will take time and perseverance but you can do it, you can have a healthy, happy, loving life. Even without those people. I have a family that loves me, as I am, warts and all, and not one of them is blood. I learned that if I let my bio family define me, I would never be good enough and i would always just be their scratching post.
If it is your hearts desire to have a relationship with them, please get stronger 1st and set boundaries. Do not move back in, you can not live with that kind of instability and get strong, no one can.
Let me know how your garbage disposal goes. HUGS AND LOVE 2U!