We put my 85 year old mother in assisted living this summer, along with my 60 year old handicapped brother. She has been his caregiver all his life, but after my dad died 13 years ago mother started going downhill. She's fallen numerous times, and whenever she has a medical emergency, my wife and I bail her out, which typically consists of weeks spent in hospitals/nursing home rehab while also trying to care for my brother. This summer she fell and spent two days in the floor. My wife and I went and got her and moved her and my brother into long term care near us. It was an answered prayer, as we found placement for both in the same facility, with mother in the assisted living wing and my brother in the nursing home. But she's become increasingly agitated the last few weeks and is angrily demanding that I take her home and my brother with her. I have refused but she says she will call a moving company herself. I have POA for her, but she has it for my brother. (I'm second in line with him). She has been calling me multiple times a day recently while I'm at work demanding that I take her home immediately. (home for her is 3 hours away for me.) The nursing home says they can't force her to stay against her will.
I finally stopped taking her calls and that just sent her into a rage so she started leaving messages threatening to call friends back home and tell them how I'm treating her and threatening to call the police if I don't bring her car to her. Tonight I spent almost four hours on the phone with her to no avail with her demanding I bring her car to her tomorrow so she can get friends "who'll do anything for her" to come get her.
When she fell the last time at home, both her bathroom and my brother's bathroom were covered in feces. I've had to literally put him in the shower to wash you-know-what off him because she can no longer care for herself, much less for him. She can barely walk, has fallen multiple times over the years, is increasingly incontinent, can't cook anymore, but she's created an alternate reality in which they can both go home and be fine. My brother is affectionate, but thinks at about a 5 year old level. She is very manipulative and has convinced him to go back home with her. Problem is, she's still mentally competent. A touch of senility for sure, but no Alzheimers or dementia. She's very aware of her surroundings and tells me she's going crazy being "locked up in jail", even though her assisted living facility is very good. She's always been a loving mother and grandmother, but has now turned mean and accusing. I'm furious that she would put not only her own health at risk, but the well being of my brother. Getting him placed once was hard enough. If he goes back home, next episode she has, which could be a stroke, broken hip, etc., and my wife will be back dutifully working the phones trying to pull their butts out of the fire once again and I'll have to be a one man U-haul miracle worker yet again. But mother doesn't even acknowledge that such a scenario is any big deal. Only thing that matters is "I'm going home." (home health doesn't work because she simply fires them after we set it up.)
We've exchanged words that I never wanted to say to my mother, and hoped I wouldn't have to. But I'm going crazy myself worrying about all this. She's not going to change her mind, and the normal Alzheimers "change the subject when she talks about home" hasn't worked because she still has her mind. She's methodically plotting to get them both back home and I'm desperate for a way to at least keep her from taking my brother with her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.