I've had shoulder surgery. I'm not getting better after 3-1/2 years. The VA is suppose to doctor and wrap his legs i.e. cellulitis. he took bandage off and called va and said he didn't need help. I'm sick of his hardhead.
Pam has the medical background so I'm going with her on this. He will likely find himself hospitalized and then you can get help from the social workers. You'll need advocates to get your thorough this but it doesn't sound as if you can take him back home the way things are.
Please update us on how you are doing when you feel up to it. Carol
Well he is going to go septic and will need hospitalization. Once he is in the hospital, refuse to take him back. They will help you. Ask for a Social Worker or an Ombudsman to help.
You call the VA and tell them of his condition, and tell them you have medical issues too and cannot take care of him. He is eligible for a VA nursing home, so talk to the social worker in the medical clinic/nursing home to get him needed help. At its worse, there will be an infection, and get worse where he will have to be hospitalized. There are more dead, stubborn men in graves.
Following up on what LorrieB said. I had a boss who used the "gentle pressure relentlessly applied" approach with good results, and I've learned to use it also. Come up with a few statements and use them over and over and over. Say it nicely. For example, "The bandages need to stay on so that you do not become septic and require long term hospital or nursing home care." " You are choosing not to take care of yourself. Cellulitis is serious and can lead to (sepsis, amputation, being bedridden, etc.)." Take a deep breath, make your statement, and walk away. You might also call the VA and ask some questions about his illnesses so that you are better prepared for what will happen as the illness continues.
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." I don't know how many times this cliche has popped into my head since I took on my parents' care. You think that the people you know and love will SURELY have the common sense to know their limitations and accept help. Yet getting upset with them doesn't seem to make a dent in their off-kilter reasoning. What worked for my father (and everyone is different, so it may or may not work with your husband) was a simple repetition, over and over, of the consequences of his "desired actions". My father wanted to continue driving after an accident made it clear he was a danger to himself and others. Whenever he got angry about the keys (hidden), not being able to drive, etc., I would simply repeat the facts: That a car is a two-ton piece of heavy metal which, when out of control, can hurt a lot of innocent people. He certainly couldn't argue with that (although he tried) and I wouldn't engage him in any other discussion. Eventually he stopped mentioning it. So, in your case, perhaps repeating the consequences of his non-action (e.g., the wound will become septic and lead to hospitalization) in a firm yet non-combative tone... it's worth a try!
Thelmar, have you asked what he would do if they have to amputate his legs because he was not taking care of them? So often people don't think 'it'll happen to them' until it does. Take him to the VA to meet up with those who have had leg amputations and see if he might not change his mind about caring for himself. I know this seems to be a radical and maybe even 'mean' solution....but he needs to recognize the very possible down-side risk he is taking. Speaking just for me...I would tell him if he loses his legs because of his foolish behavior there would be NO sympathy forthcoming. I just don't get why so many people cut off their noses to spite their faces and then expect sympathy and care....it so sad! Blessings to you, Lindaz.
Please update us on how you are doing when you feel up to it.
Carol