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ssmiles63,
Be it parents, grown children, friends who are married or single, etc., the most painful experience is when we have shared our best advice and we end up watching them self-destruct. When anyone has done their best and done all they can legally do, then that is how you live with yourself, otherwise you drive yourself crazy by somehow taking on someone else's choice as if you made their choice which is taking on far too much personal responsibility. You are in a tough place, but there are somethings we can change as well as some we can't and then there is the need for wisdom to know the difference. I have seen various kinds of self-destruction and non of it is easy, but I tried to do what I could except I could not make their decision. I use to over react emotionally to every needy situation that I saw and that about drove me insane for given how I was raised it was easy for me that somehow it was all my fault that these people or person self-destructed.
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Thank you all for your support. I do agree I will be calling/writing the DMV because if something happened to someone else, how could I live with that. Maybe your right it may be harder being a nurse because I am trained to watch out for the bad stuff. Again, I want to thank everyone for your support, it is so great to have someone who understands my situation and can bounce ideas off of. If you dont have this problem it is difficult to understand all the dynamics of the choices, etc. Thanks and all suggestions appreciated!!
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As I talk to friends often the biggest frustration is that we can see the train coming but the elderly refuse to make the proactive decisions to avoid the collision. Having a nurse for a daughter doesn't change that situation. In fact it may make it harder because we know that this is going to end badly. It sounds like it will take a sentinel event to spur action. Unfortunately that will be a fall or a car accident, possibly someeone getting "lost". What you should definitely do is contact DMV and report the need for a driving eval. That I believe you are ethically bound to do because of the potential harm to someone else. In the meantime I would call eveyday. Ask neighbors or church support to watch without letting your parents know you asked or that they are being "watched". You cannot legally force your parents to make good decisions, any more than we can force our almost adult kids. Sometimes those we love make poor decisions, dangerous decisions and then we have to decide how we pick up the pieces. It makes me a little crazy. Be careful, the journey you are beginning as caregiver is a difficult one.
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Thank you for your response, I think you are the first person that actually seems to "get" my situation. Yes my husband and I are on the same page. Their doctor is aware of my concerns but does nothing. I have talked to my father many times and he just says don't worry about us, we will get by and whatever happens, happens. Well I dont think I can live with that, what if I leave and 2 weeks later something really bad happens, how will i live with myself. I have talked with the pastor and many people at the church and with many of their long time friends and everyone basically says well good luck in a nice way, feel like they all understand but are at a loss too. I sometimes think the best solution would be to contact the DMV and report my mother for unsafe driving and call APS to report the situation but part of me feels like that is underhanded and disrespectful but I know that there has to be something done and I can't hold my job off much longer. Whew, thanks for listening, but I feel like you cmgnum do understand and I thank you for that. I guess until you go thru something like this you can't really get it, ya know. Thanks again!!
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" they dont have the nerve to tell them (including me) that is is not safe." Does the doctor know the realities of their life at home? Can you get a social worker to come out and do an evaluation? I believe you will have to get the nerve to tell them it is not safe. What does your husband think you should do? I assume you have explained to your mother what could happen if she does not take her meds. Your mother does not sound competent and just might need someone to file for guardianship but that would break your dad's heart. I think the reason she has not kicked you and your husband out is part of her emotional blackmail game. Sort of a "I hate you, but don't leave me" routine. How long have their personalities been so radically different? Your dad probably yells out of self defense and aggravation over his wife acting like she does. Have you talked with the pastor of her church? I don't think that legally you can really do anything, and quitting your job does not sound like a good idea. I had to wait until something really bad took place for my mother to give me POA both durable and medical before I could really get her the help she needed. Her stubbornness meant assisted living would not work and she ended up in the nursing home. My step-dad should be in a nursing home, but my step-brother will not take any action because his dad loves his beer. Good luck. Their are not easy answers in this situation. However, I would speak the truth in love that their situation is not safe.
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Thank you for answering my question but i dont think any of your suggestions would work, No i dont have POA, they will not discuss it and my mother says we are not dead yet so quit talking bout it and gets very aggressive. My father just goes with what my mother says to keep the peace. My mother will not allow anyone to come in to help her, surprisingly she hasnt kicked me and my husband out yet. I have contacted friends, the church and their MD and nobody seems to want to get involved. I guess because they have been friendly for so many years and want to respect them. Everyone knows this is not safe but nobody wants to upset my mother because of her aggressive nature recently. At church yesterday, she would not allow anyone to help her with things and people were just talking behind her back saying just let her do it, it's easier than arguing. Ugggh, I feel this knot in my stomach tightening, sticking around as long as I can but I have a job - I am even an RN (peds tho) and people are pulling my shifts and working extra for me. I feel so scared. I do appreciate your response to my question, this is becoming an impossible, emotional problem and I just can't figure out a solution.
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With a few exceptions, I have never had much luck with expecting government agencies to do much of anything. They mostly get in the way, under-react, or overreact. So, like everything else, you will have to find solutions on your own.
I am afraid that tough love is called for here. First, have your parents given you their POAs?...if not, you should do that while you are there. Your father is of sound mind, so speak to him about it immediately. Next, you need to arrange for some in-home care so you can go back home and arrange for more permanent solutions. Get someone to come in at least once a day to both help and monitor their safety and health. They can call you if they find anything alarming.
The house needs to be sold...it is too big, too dangerous, and too much work for them. The assets can be used for their care.
If your mother resists, call in a trusted friend, clergy member, doctor, etc. who can act as a "buffer" as you explain to her why she needs to make this change. Give her limited options that will work for you. (ie: "mother, we either need to do this or that...choose one.")
The sad result of waiting too long is that they will either injure themselves, burn down the house, or neglect themselves until adult services finally comes in and declares them incompetent. That would be the worse scenario!
The one true fact of life is that we can't always get what we want, nor is it always safe to get what we want.
Good luck...let us know how things worked out.
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