Mom had a stroke and has some cognitive impairment but is mostly all there but not sharp like before the stroke. She has some issues with executive functioning and memory loss but not severe. We aren't sure yet if it is permanent. She's seven weeks out from the stroke. This AL facility was only one to allow them to be together. Prior to her stroke she still did a lot, drove, ordered supplies, got groceries, went to library, and helped care for Dad along with having caretakers morning and night and myself helping on weekends and some evenings. Now I have to supervise and help both of them almost all day. She's not bad enough to be in MC and would be depressed in there. He doesn't wander as can barely stand up or walk a little. We didn't want them separated and this AL facility assured us they could take care of both in their AL rooms. But I find myself there all day to assist with one thing or another. I don't know how I can go back to work and leave them alone with just a call button. I hired one of their caretakers to come in several evenings 5-8pm and pay for highest level of care for both of them but we are used to them having that one on one care at home which a facility can't provide. I can hire more helpers to come also in the mornings but most of the time they are just sitting around as the aides at facility do most of the hard work. My three siblings all live on the other side of the country and everyone works and can't fly back and forth to help me out. Feeling overwhelmed. I do companion help, help with their laundry, pay all the bills now, manage their house they left behind, review their medications (sometimes have been wrong). Fetch glasses, toothbrush, clothes from the other room, help put on tv and dvd player etc etc all day. The relief when the caretaker came last night was huge. I can't keep this up every day but I don't see an alternative yet. They just entered the facility a week ago and it's a huge adjustment from their home and I have that emotional stress too from them and also myself. We considered and tried for awhile 24/7 at home but cost is prohibitive and did not trust a caretaker could do all for both alone without me being there all day and night too. Cost is an issue as they do not have huge savings and can last about two years in AL before we have to sell the house. It all happened so fast. Before Thanksgiving it was hard with just my Dad's care but do-able. Now with Mom not firing on all cylinders and needing recovery it is way harder and I wonder why I thought it was hard when it was just my Dad. They are 91 and 95 1/2.
People don't recover that easy (if at all) after a stroke. At 8 weeks, she's as good as she is going to get. Her days of running the show are over.
You said yourself before Thanksgiving it was hard enough taking care of 95 year old Dad. How do you think you Mom managed all the stress she had doing it at 91?
Now you have them in an AL facility, yet are still with them full time, every day. Now your stress has doubled...time to cut it way back, or you could be next. Who will run over and take care of you (and every detail, every day) when you approach your 90s?
Both parents now need a higher level of care. Stop fighting that reality. Get them what they need, not what they want. Then pull back and let them get what they are paying for. Stop hovering over them, fetching all day. Let them adjust, or they never will.
Good luck in this difficult situation.
Start looking for good nursing homes for them. And hire more help in the meantime.
If you weren't there, mom and dad would most likely do for themselves or find someone else to do it for them. You're setting yourself up for a routine of slavery to demands that can only get more and more impossible to meet. And this is NOT worth losing your job! Don't quit. Stop jumping when your parents shout "frog!"
I wish you the best of luck in unsticking yourself from a sticky situation, which will only stay that way if you let it.
If you are being required daily then they really are not in the right placement category.
The facility knows your mom and dad and knows what is available to them and to you for their care.
I would discuss all this by making an appointment with the admin.
If you are POA and I am assuming you are, I think it is wise now to take over bill paying and other executive functioning. Bills should come to you, and you will be keeping records, handling all banking, supplying Mom and Dad with a small spending account. This is safest for them. This will take about 1/2 year to get up and running smoothly as each entity, bank and so on, will have a different set of hoops for you to jump through. Meanwhile you cannot allow them in a facility where all meals are not already provided. There will be little shopping and etc.
This is a big adjustment. Expect it to take a solid year for you and for them.
I wish you the very best.
Also why hang on to the house ? Once your parents adjust , Sell it , tell your parents the house is a burden on you . Let the facilty do the laundry . Don’t let your parents run you ragged . They expect things to be as they were at home . You can’t keep providing that level of assistance .
And let your parents fetch their own glasses , toothbrush etc . If they can not do these simple things on their own either by using a walker or self propelling in a wheelchair then they do not belong in assisted living . They would need a higher level of care .
I suggest you back off , go back to your job , and let them adjust to the new reality . If a one on one is too expensive , they need to adjust to that . They are used to being waited on when perhaps they really need to do some simple things themselves . You should not be fetching things . They also need to use the call button and rely on staff .
Also have the facility encourage them to go to activities outside their room ,
I know one case of a 90-something person in AL who refused MC even though she needs or expects the kind of all-day assistance you mention with fetching items, turning on TV, etc. She now has a full-time caregiver who lives with her in the AL. Yes, I’m sure it’s very expensive.
I urge you to find a solution that does NOT involve you staying with them all day, every day in their AL. The longer you do that, the more I worry they will come to think of it as normal and necessary. Don’t sacrifice all your waking hours.
Either aides + AL or MC seem to be their options. Good luck!
I still had 100 things to do for her, including all bill paying and making sure her meds were approved by me, talking with doctors, bringing over endless supplies, clothes, toiletries snacks etc. I ordered what I could on Amazon to be shipped, like Depends, and drove the rest over. Laundry in AL and MC should be done by staff, not family. If it's not done perfectly, oh well, that's something to overlook.
I had both parents to manage in IL and AL for 4 years before dad died of a brain tumor. It's not easy no matter where they live, just easiER in managed care than in our homes. It's still a huge amount of work though, I know.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.