My parents have a medical POA but no other form of POA and both have been declared unable to make decisions what next? - AgingCare.com

My parents have a medical POA but no other form of POA and both have been declared unable to make decisions what next?

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18 months ago my mother had a stroke which left her somewhat brain-damaged and memory impaired recently my father was diagnosed with alzhimers and apraxia. My mom now has been diagnosed with dementia as well. All after a neuro exam and psych eval (took a good 3 hours each for this eval). Both can see the mental illness in each other but not in them sells their doctors have highly recommended assisted-living for both of them they both live alone in a home together and really hate each other and resent being told by the other what to do or being told by anybody that they can't do something . The doctors gave me letters on both of them that says the POA needs to be activated. The POA is only a medical one! My brother is listed as a joint owner on all bank accounts so we can still write checks to pay their bills and such. My dad struggles with us telling him when appointments will happen as I have to transport for these. My mom doesn't think anything is wrong with her and really fights us on everything. Her memory is awful and her eval she really failed on all fronts.
My question: I know now that dr has stated incompetency for both we can't have them sign a POA for non medical issues. Mom is really resenting me as I am medical POA and again doesn't like that I'm in charge at this point. Do I have to go to court to get guardianship? What should be my next step. All the medical pros involved say neither should be living alone and should be in assisted living or a nursing facility. Which they totally refuse to consider. Can I get a court order for that? Mom is 78 had a stroke, diagnosed with dementia, can barely walk and recently started peeing the bed on a regular basis. Dad is 82 has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Apraxia and high anxiety disorder. Neither ones memory is great. Moms is worse than dads. What is my next step???? So stressed!!!!

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Thanks for updating us. At least you know your folks are safe. These married relationships can be so bad for one partner as they age. I have a friend in a similar situation. Narcissist dad is making mom's life miserable and will hasten her death because of his selfishness. It's so sad to watch!
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Hi all well the update after 2 mos. dad is finally starting to joinin activities but if he enjoys it mom gives it to him both barrels. Mom only leaves the room for PT and meals. Won't join in anything and just sits in apartment. She still won't talk to me and says I've ruined their lives. Oh well! For some reason she thinks if she does pt she will get to go back home but that isn't happening at all. Guardianship is moving forward. We have to wait 60 days for their siblings to be notified and have the opportunity to object. I've already talked to the aunts and uncles who already said they won't be objecting. So once that time passes it's on to a court date. We also have to get the home and all the contents assessed more moneyout the door!

I guess we still have a long way to go with them
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Cher my heart goes out to you (and I think you have a brother involved too)? This is so difficult for all involved. But you're doing the right thing for your parents, whether they can understand or appreciate it. Yes, do come vent here. We get it. And try to take care of yourself in this whole process. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have to take care of your own mental and physical health. Hugs to you.
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Cher, you poor dear. And your poor mom, too. Keep posting here; when you can't have a vacation, venting is second best! ((((((Hugs))))))))
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Well mom ended up with 3 golfball sizes kidney stones a massive kidney infection and a major skin infection in the fold of fat on her stomach(she is about 300 lbs). Was rushed to the hospital and was going to be sent home to go back 2 days later to remove the kidney stones. I knew she wouldn't return to the hospital if she was allowed to go so I refuse to take her home and the hospital had to keep her. When they went didn't remove the kidney stones they found a massive kidney infection and could not remove the stones they had to put a stent in this was back in November at that point she went to rehab to recover because again she would not return back to the hospital for follow-up treatment from home after six weeks of going back-and-forth between the rehab in the hospital the stones were finally removed but she had a psychotic episode at the rehab and the doctors would not allow her to be discharged to the house without 24/7 care which seems it's very expensive it was going to be over $20,000 to have that so we found them in assisted-living facility with both my parents are currently living. They both into the facility on December 12 and are still there but they absolutely hate me now have called me every name there is in the book and have as a little communication with me as humanly possible. We have hired the attorney and are moving forward with obtaining guardianship. We hired an attorney to represent my mom and dad and after meeting for them he said there's no way that they can win and went back home and be alone. Since being at assisted-living she has acted irrationally and they're going to do another Sica Val on her and told us we should expect her after the eval went up committed in a psychiatric hospital. And then move into the State psychiatric facility. This is not what I hoped for but it's what we have to deal with. I need a vacation
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May more than one child have POA in case of parental dementia
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Sorry for your troubles. A person with deminished capacity may be able to execute a power of attorney. Check with an Elder Law attorney in your area. You probably need help with planning for long-term care costs as well.
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Thank you for your replies. Looks like I have to bite the bullet and head down the path I was hoping to avoid 😢 We are getting an elder attorney and going for guardianship. Then we will arrange some type of care situation for both parents and if necessary force the placement.
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My parents are similar to yours but not as advanced. They shouldn't be living alone but refuse help or moving to assisted living. I have a broad POA but the docs haven't issued the crazy papers yet so we're stuck in this no mans land of mental incompetency for all practical purposes but not in legal terms.

I've been checking out nursing homes and memory care facilities in their area for a couple years now. Very few elders ever agree to go into care and the facilities are quite used to this and know how to deal with I WANT TO GO HOME.

Two places have told me all they would require is a letter from the doc that mom and dad cannot live alone. Check with the policies of facilities near your folks. Maybe you won't have to go the guardianship route.

In any case, it's going to have to be done and it will be an epic battle. When the time comes for me and my folks I will give it my best shot. I'm prepared to do battle with them. But if all else fails I would call APS, turn them over to the state or whatever it takes.
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The roles are flipped now. They are 2 year olds and you and your brother are mom and dad. They will kick their feet, scream, cry, throw temper tantrums, but only you know what is best for them.

You can decide they are too much trouble, and put them up for adoption (which means leave them hanging in the wind and when one gets injured or has a car accident and hurts themselves or someone else, then the state will step in and take over (they will call you first though, and if you refuse they'll take over, leaving you feeling like crap most likel) Some state's can come after you for the cost of their care if you do abandon them (check you state laws). I would only choose this option though if my parents were horrible parents to me in the first place though. There are some out there that do not deserve the kids time of day, let along help in their miserable old age.

If, on the other hand, your parents were great and you very much love them then for your sake as well as your parents you and your brother need to go for guardianship (and, as babalou says, pay for this out of their account, as any money saved by them is for their benefit and your taking over their lives certainly benefit them) and then come up with a plan that would be best for their future. It's simply out of their hands now. Time to take on the hard decisions and, together, figure how what needs to be done and then take the steps to get the ball rolling.

From this point on be sure to document EVERYTHING financially. Those records are going to be looked at very closely if you ever want either of them to qualify for Medicare. Anything needed by you during this process, unless meticulously documented as having been for their care, the state could say was a "gift" to you and you'll have to pay it back or wait longer for your parent/parents to get on medicaid.

You might want to consider getting an elder law attorney involved if there's much money or assets to deal with...he could tell you what's best to do to keep it all kosher so to speak.

I'm so sorry for you...this is not going to be an easy process and it's going to require some heart to hearts with your brother to define each of your separate roles in this endeavor. It might be a good idea to write those roles down too, lest you both start disagreeing with things in the future, a care contract for the parents and the two of you.

Communication at this point is going to be paramount, as it is with real parents. who have to be on the same page for the sake of the kids. Only in this case it's that the kids have to be on the same page for the sake of the parents. This, you might find, is harder then being a parent of children, since it's not the natural way of things. It's almost never going to be easy to become the parent to already grown, set in their ways, stubborn, belligerent adults who are physically able to inflict bodily harm and who spent the first 18 years of your life telling you what to do and who still believe they have that right. Keep in mind, this is going to be very hard on them too...do it with love and kindness and remember...you may be exactly where they are in the not to distant future. Your children will be watching...

Good Luck..you're in my prayers.
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