Bad decisions are not considered a sign of incompetence, even as we age. If they did there would be very few competent people around.
Your profile states your father has dementia and the medical and AL staff are unaware of your mother's hallucinations. My understanding is they are already passed some kind of competence screening, maybe a mini-mental? Legally competency is a two state switch; either completely competent or completely incompetent, at least in most states. As a practical matter, competency usually degrades over time with impulse control being one of the first things that degrades to a noticeable level.
Does your mother admit she is spending too much on impulse buys? Would she agree to a monthly impulse budget? Would your father help limit your mother's immediate access to their funds?
I would approach this as you want to _help_ your parents conserve their money so they can afford the AL for the rest of their life. Not as you telling them they are incompetent and you want/need control.
If your parents would cooperate, I recommend helping them setup a joint primary account that requires both signatures on a check, neither has a debit card, and TOD is setup to each other. This joint primary account should receive their monthly SS and pension deposits. A second spending account can be setup for auto-pay bills with a monthly transfer from the primary account to cover these expenses (the information from the bill pay account may be exposed externally but if there's a problem, the damage is limited). Use two debit accounts (at the bank or with something like chime), one for each parent with their monthly budgeted/agreed upon spending money transferred in each month. Close credit card accounts and freeze their credit.
If they don't want your help then all you can really do is wait until something comes to the attention of the medical or AL staff. Has you father been formally diagnosed with ALZ or some other dementia? If so, the PCP will probably be doing a mini-mental at each 6 month appointment. If your parents fill out a HIPAA form for you, then you can discuss their condition with their doctors. Without HIPAA permission, you can write letters/notes to their doctors but they doctors cannot communicate your parents information back to you.
i agree with all three of these commenters . the son who would have ( physically if necessary ) defended my wishes to my last breath is sadly gone . my other son has always thought he was the only genius in a world of imbeciles . he will NEVER be my poa . i earned my assets and if i want to blow it all on magic beans thats what i'll do . i thought i was a pretty halfassed caregiver to my mother but in looking back , she made the decisions in her own home until the moment she was put under with morphine . mad as a hatter in her last few weeks but still firmly in control of her home . my job was making sure nobody challenged that .
JKM hit it spot on. They are not incompetent. We get to make our own poor decisions in life when we come of age. That doesn't go away when we hit a certain elder age.
As long as they are considered competent, they are allowed to make bad decisions. It's infuriating to those of us on the outside but unless you can prove they are not competent and get guardianship you can't stop them. Even a Power of Attorney doesn't give you the option to make a decision counter to their wishes. If you think your mom's behavior falls into a category where a judge would agree with you then file for guardianship but realize what that will do to your relationship, especially if you lose.
Your profile states your father has dementia and the medical and AL staff are unaware of your mother's hallucinations. My understanding is they are already passed some kind of competence screening, maybe a mini-mental? Legally competency is a two state switch; either completely competent or completely incompetent, at least in most states. As a practical matter, competency usually degrades over time with impulse control being one of the first things that degrades to a noticeable level.
Does your mother admit she is spending too much on impulse buys? Would she agree to a monthly impulse budget? Would your father help limit your mother's immediate access to their funds?
I would approach this as you want to _help_ your parents conserve their money so they can afford the AL for the rest of their life. Not as you telling them they are incompetent and you want/need control.
If your parents would cooperate, I recommend helping them setup a joint primary account that requires both signatures on a check, neither has a debit card, and TOD is setup to each other. This joint primary account should receive their monthly SS and pension deposits. A second spending account can be setup for auto-pay bills with a monthly transfer from the primary account to cover these expenses (the information from the bill pay account may be exposed externally but if there's a problem, the damage is limited). Use two debit accounts (at the bank or with something like chime), one for each parent with their monthly budgeted/agreed upon spending money transferred in each month. Close credit card accounts and freeze their credit.
If they don't want your help then all you can really do is wait until something comes to the attention of the medical or AL staff. Has you father been formally diagnosed with ALZ or some other dementia? If so, the PCP will probably be doing a mini-mental at each 6 month appointment. If your parents fill out a HIPAA form for you, then you can discuss their condition with their doctors. Without HIPAA permission, you can write letters/notes to their doctors but they doctors cannot communicate your parents information back to you.
i thought i was a pretty halfassed caregiver to my mother but in looking back , she made the decisions in her own home until the moment she was put under with morphine . mad as a hatter in her last few weeks but still firmly in control of her home . my job was making sure nobody challenged that .