My parents are at the end of their lives and are still selfish.

Penny, the "obligation" is in your head. It is not reality.

Let them be.

You want them to go away. They dont want your help. So what's the problem here?

I agree wholheartedly with Scampie.

Way back in my past, I would worry, visit, ask questions, advise... I saw the need & so stepped in.

My intention of 'Helping/assisting/improving' may have appeared as *interferring*. I got callled fussy & bossy. OK. So backstep I did. Waaaaay back.

Now I am not in the day-to-day. We have a good space. I see it as a respectful space.

People decide. Yes they can decide poorly or even very badly sometimes. It can be hard to watch.

'Dignity of Choice' it is called.

Thank you all!

The thing is my mother is going to be hospitalized for awhile, my father is living in squalor at their home and can hardly walk. They won't get a cleaning lady or a helper. I feel obligated to help but they keep pushing me away it's just frustrating

I am uncertain why you expect your parents to change.
Most people, in fact, do NOT change.

Certainly old age with all its trials and tribulations is unlikely to be a time for people to change for the happier or for the better.

I hope that you have made for yourself a quality good life with good friends. Your parents wish to behave as though they had never had children. Were I you, I would assist them in that goal and I would disappear off their radar. Let them end their lives as they have lived them, pretending they never had children. The state will assist them if they reach out. Provide them with Adult Protective Services phone number and the 911 information and wish them well. Then get on with life. You are not alone.

I went over your posts.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/parents-decided-to-tell-me-to-mind-my-own-business-482906.htm

So why do you continue to try and help. Seems to me they don't want it. Your sister seems to be the golden child. They don't want to give you POA. One post, Mom didn't seem to want you there. Why are you beating your head against a brick wall? Are you hoping that because they are sick that now they will want and love you. Sorry, its does not look like that is going to happen.

Do what they are asking, stay away. Tell the SW at the hospital that Mom should not be released to her home because Dad is not able to care for her and seems she does not want you around. I do think you need to see a therapist to find out why you continue to do what you do. If someone told me to leave them alone, I would.

I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you're the selfish one in this situation.

Your parents not wanting to put the burden of their health care and neediness on your back is not them being selfish.
They're sparing you.

Most seniors expect their adult kids to sacrifice every part of their lives in service to their needs and demands.
They don't care if their adult child loses their own marriage, home, livelihood, friends, family, and health. So long as the senior's needs and demands are met.

I think you're pretty lucky to have parents who don't expect or want you to take responsibility for their needs and become their parent like so many of us are expected to do.

Know how many times my parents asked me what I wanted to do with my life?
Zero times. That's how many. They really didn't care all that much. And yet, my mother has always expected me to make her the number one priority of my life. Even now. I grew up abuse and was her scapegoat and emotional whipping post my entire life until I put the brakes on that BS. My father not so much. Now there was a truly self-absorbed textbook narcissisist. My father.

Please listen to the good advice of Scampie1 lower on the thread. She's right.
No matter what you do they will figure out how to make blame for something fit you.
So you're better off jut blowing them off.

Many people get uncomfortable talking about "personal" matters.
That can be anything from legal, financial, health, death, end of life, and very serious illnesses.
It is if talking about them will bring on problems.
Or they just do not know what to do or what they want.
To talk about something means that you have to resolve an issue.

Not talking about serious issues could be Cultural or Generational.
Take this cue from your parents and begin the conversation with your husband, partner, children, friends.
If we talk about things like this like we talk about the best place to have coffee, get a deal on those shoes you want or where to get your nails done it takes some of the stigma away and eventually makes people more comfortable.

And I will ask...
What do you want to do with your life? Or more important what did you want to do if you were not able to do what you wanted to do?

Back away, live your life, stop trying to live theirs.

They are not interested in what you do with your life, they are not capable of caring about you.

Accept that and move on.

I don’t see selfish. They don’t want you involved so take this gift and live a stress free life. Believe me they will call when they want something. At that point it is up to you how to respond

Do what they request. I would keep things very simple with them. If they don't want you around and asking questions; stop! Don't carry false guilt from their choices. Go to therapy and work through some of these issues.

You are not the cause of their subborn resistance. Don't carry their weight of not dealing with their problems. People have the right to make choices even bad ones. It sounds like a situation that no matter what you choose or choose not to do, they will blame you. They will blame you for caring and blame you for not caring. Don't get caught up in this.

Penny, I skimmed your previous posts. Although they don't want you around, it seems that they do want you to do things for them (grocery shopping?). You live 1/2 an hour away. How often do you see them? Or do you not go and do things for them anymore?

Who's going to bring your mother home from the hospital? Or will she go to rehab?

And there is still no POA? No HCPOA, either? If they refuse to fill out these documents, then there is really nothing that you can do.

And I am so sorry the way you have been treated throughout your life by them.

Penny, your parents “both don't want me around or asking questions”. To be honest, it isn’t what you want, but it ISN’T selfish. They don't want to know about your life. It's disappointing, but it's a reasonable choice if they feel the same way about your involvement in their lives. Just go with it.

Don’t blame yourself, and don’t let anyone else blame you either.

btw I am 60 years old