She keeps composing about how impossible my father is and how dependent he is on her. The thing is that he was always dependent on her with cooking and laundry and most household things so he is used to it by now.
I’m done with being her venting buddy and I told her respectfully that I don’t want to hear any more complaints about my dad.
She took it the worst way possible, and was terribly insulted.
She has no friends to talk to, but she does have a sister, so I suggested it would be more appropriate to talk to her about my “awful” father.
Ever since that talk she is giving my father the silent treatment (weird, because he isn’t even aware of that conversation) and is very angry with me, accusing me for not being her shoulder to cry on.
A few things to note:
The told me several times that she would leave my dad but she doesn’t have enough money.
My 4yo son goes to their house everyday after kindergarten (until I finish work and pick him up) - they love him dearly and he adores them, but the horrible atmosphere there worries my. He might feel it too. It will break their heart (and his) if he stops going there.
She has sleeping problems and sees a different doctor for different reasons almost daily (a bit excessively if you ask me)
In conclusion- my father makes my mom miserable, and my mother makes everyone else miserable. She make me feel soooooo guilty and it eats me up inside.
Please help, or share a similar story. They have a long life still ahead and this can’t go on, or I will leave the country.
I grew up in a tension filled and angry household where my grandmother and mother did not get along, and it ruined my childhood. I'd pull my son OUT OF THERE immediately if I were you, b/c nothing good will come of him watching his grandmother torture his grandfather. Trust me. He does NOT deserve that kind of childhood. Nobody does.
Your mother may be going down the dementia highway, it sounds like a distinct possibility. Since she loves going to the doctor so much, a cognitive exam is in order. I doubt she'd agree to it, if I have her personality type correctly pegged, but it's worth a try.
As far as you being her sounding board goes, tell her you will NOT tolerate ONE nasty word from her mouth against your father. She can be as passive/aggressive as she'd like and give you ALL the silent treatment until the cows come home, you'll consider it a break from her nasty mouth.
Draw your boundaries NOW. Each & every time she bad mouths your father, leave her presence. Either leave her house or hang up the phone. Let her know in advance that that's your line in the sand, and then do not budge off of it. Even once. Because these women wait for a crack in the armor to slither through and say I KNEW SHE DIDN"T MEAN IT! AHA! Then the gig is up. Stick to your guns. She'll get the message loud and clear.
I'm sorry you are all going through this. I feel your pain b/c my 94 *yes NINETY FOUR* year old mother has lived her entire life to make everyone else miserable, but mostly me, her only child. Dad died in 2015 and she was happy about it. Now there's only me left to be her scratching post and it's no fun. But she lives in a Memory Care ALF 4 miles away so at least there's that. I'm on my way to see her now for a window visit and I've had the usual stomach ache since I woke up this morning. That's what these women DO; they create ulcers in all of their loved ones stomachs.
Good luck.
When your mother complains ask her what she plans on doing about it? (Or what does she expect YOU to do about it?) She can teach her husband how to do laundry and cook. My husband always did his own laundry and now that he retired does mine too.
If he makes her so miserable maybe she needs to tell him that and give him a chance to change. Complaining to you does nothing to fix the situation. Point that out to her.
You say things have never been a lot different and I would imagine that includes the threats to leave that are never acted on, and WERE never acted on.
You are CORRECT to not be the unloading dock. Sorry. The difference between unloading on a friend and a family is a great difference. A friend listens, only that, then says "Oh, dear, I am just so sorry to hear this; can I help with shopping, take you to tea?" Then they move on. The don't pick up the luggage and try to haul it everywhere along with their own luggage. But family hears things and flips into desperation, fix-it mode (it CAN'T be fixed) and lifts that luggage, all of it, and attempts to drag it everywhere. It is two entirely different things. Explain that to Mom and tell her you are sorry, especially sorry if she has not made, or has given up friends. Give her the Forum if she uses internet. Let her vent to US.
As to guilt, second post this a.m. I have had to remind someone to exchange the word "grief" for the word "guilt". Sorry. You are NOT a felon, cruel, who does malice aforethought to enjoy the pain of others. You are a person who wishes you could find an answer, and you cannot. You are GRIEVING and this will only get worse as you watch your parents reap what has been sown.
My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best. But this has been and is and almost certainly WILL BE the life of your parents. There are ways for your Dad to be placed when it is too difficult for your Mom, and to preserve some income for herself and her own care when needed.
Not everthing can be fixed. Give yourself a bit of slack. Best to you. Your parents are young. You need to step back, as they have decades of this, and you will not be able to negotiate life being responsible for them for the next 20 years.
I agree that you let her know to not criticize your dad to you (this happened in our family and I finally had to tell my MIL to stop doing it and she did). But her "inappropriateness" could be a sign of something else going on...maybe watch her more closely when you're together, as this impacts your son's quality of care provided by them.
My mom was on a few different anti depression meds, but she hated the side effects. She tried therapy but again, she did not like it.
Find some help for mom, somewhere, somehow.