My older sister has dementia. She lives out of state and wants me to bring her here to live with me. Any advice?

If you are committed to having your sister geographically nearer to you, make her living arrangements BEFORE YOU NEGOTIATE THE MOVE, using ONLY HER FINANCIAL RESOURCES.

DO NOT consider having her live “with you” (under your roof).

If you are her POA, you can make your care relationship with her “manageable” by setting it up prior to her arrival and sticking to the terms that are comfortable for you.

Your responsibilities to your husband’s care will remain your primary concern.

With a well thought out plan for her care IN PLACE, you may find your sister’s needs both manageable and perhaps even beneficial for you both.

Hoping that’s the case, and BE SURE to provide for outlets for YOURSELF.
YOU’RE IMPORTANT TOO!

You’ve raised two things: the first is should you “bring her here to live with me?”. Answer: NO.

The second is: “ Should I ….put her in a home near me?” Answer: Perhaps. If you get on well with her, there is an acceptable place near you, and you have time for a visit say once a week, it could work OK. If she is a misery guts, or it going to pressure to move in with you, try and avoid it.

Here's my advice: don't do it. You already have enough on your plate caring for your husband; adding your sister with dementia into the melee will burden you down a thousand fold. If you bring her out to your area to live in a Memory Care ALF, that's another burden for you to bear. People seem to think Oh No Biggie, Just Put Her In A Home Bye Bye. Yeah, no. It was practically a full time job for me to manage my mother's life FOR her while she was in Memory Care 4 miles away for nearly 3 years (and in AL for 4 years prior to that, and in IL 3 years prior to that!) Having POA for someone's entire life means you get to make ALL the decisions ALL of the time, go meet the ambulance at the hospital EACH time, arrange for rehabs EACH time, arrange doctors appointments, medication changes, ALL OF IT. Every time the phone rang from the Memory Care, my heart skipped a few beats and my stomach dropped to my feet. My mother fell NINETY FIVE TIMES while living in AL and MC. I'm surprised I'M still alive after all the stress I've been going thru the past 10+ years, to be honest with you.

Leave your sister where she's at and focus on your husband; that's more than enough to have on your plate. God bless you and keep you as you deal with all of that.

No way, pass. Let another sibling or if she has children let them handle it. You have enough on your plate.

Absolutely not! Once you become responsible for her, there’s no turning back. Your life will be increasingly miserable until she dies. She can go to memory care and you can take her cookies once a week.

Tell her living with you is not an option. That you have seen first hand how Dementia progresses and you can in no way care for another suffering from the same desease. You can not be a caregiver for your DH and her too. Just not possible.

So now sister has to find options. Does she have children? If so, they do not have to take her in but they can help her with maybe getting into an AL near them. Help her get aides in. Help her maneuver the system to get help. You should not be saddled with this responsibility. Not even to have her move to an AL closer to you. You will end up feeling you need to visit and be the one who makes sure she has what the AL does not supply. And the staff will see you as the go to guy. Do you want to be called in the middle of the night that sister has been taken to the hospital for a fall. Staff does not go with them so you will need to go and you can't because you can't leave DH. Do not except POA, then everyone will feel its ur responsibility to see she needs care.

I really don't see how anyone would think you could take on this responsibility. I will take that back, they see you as caring for one person why not two. They have no idea what its like caring for a person who has Dementia. Its like taking care of a child under two. You really have no idea until you have to care for someone with this desease.

So, your answer need to be No, I have my hands full now with DH. Just not able to take on the responsibility of another. If she insists, again No, please understand that DH is 24/7 constant care and its exhausting. I am stretched to my limit. Sorry, No.

You're relatively healthy, you said. Good, I hope you stay that way for years to come. Your Alzheimer's husband needs you to stay healthy, and he's your first priority.

I don't recommend you bring your sister in to live with you, or even take on too much of the responsibility for her care. Doubling your workload and your stress and be twice as stuck in caregiving, and having even less time or zero time for yourself is burning your candle at both ends FAST. You will ruin your physical and mental health. That's a guarantee.

No way. Especially if your husband, too, has dementia.