My mother’s roommate is consistently dressed in my mother’s clothing. I am very upset. Any advice on how to handle? Thank you.

Yeah ..even though it happens “ all the time” there’s no reason for it . Seems like your mom must be still aware since she went into her closet and saw nothing there ..even if she is unable to actually dress herself . Being underpaid is not an excuse ..they can still look at labels and put correct clothing on residents. I would suggest doing her laundry yourself since you visit frequently anyway , just the clothing at least. Then you can be sure that the clothing is getting back into the right closet or dresser. Also since they wash everything together they use harsh detergents and scalding water which really ages the material and leaves residues which can be irritating to the skin . After you start doing this , if it is possible, if the problem continues then I’d complain to the management . That way it can’t be pushed off onto “ the laundry “ since you KNOW it was in her closet properly. Also there would not be an issue of ever having an empty closet.
Also, if this is of such little importance to them - then what other things are they not doing correctly ?!

MattDillion: Mark your mother's name on the items of clothing in indelible ink/Sharpie. Inform the staff of this 'theft.'

When my parents were alive my mother had to be placed into a residential care facility for a little over a year till we could come up with a plan and the financial resources to redo their home and hire a 24 hr caregiver. Somewhere during her horrible struggle with Alzheimers my dad became the object of her rages and she started physically attacking him. It was pure hell on earth for the both of them to be separated from each other. While living at the RF we provided everything for my mom and eventually her clothing started disappearing. My dads solution was to "demand" all her laundry to be placed daily into laundry bags he provided. Everyday when my dad or one of us kids visited we took her laundry home and returned it upon the next visit. Yes it was added work and all of us hated it in the beginning but eventually it just settled into a routine and it wasn't such a big deal. Plus my mother has always had sensitive skin so it allowed us to keep her clothing and bedding separate from all the other residents and allowed us to be certain her things were being laundered with the special detergents we were providing as well. Not only did my mom's stuff stop disappearing but her skin felt and looked better too. And low and behold we weren't having to purchase her detergent so often. We figured the RF staff was using my mom's detergent for everyone's laundry. My parents had 9 of us. I figured with all the laundry my mother had done for all the years she had, doing her laundry was the least I could do for both of them.

I concur. Did u speak with mom maybe she said it’s ok. Yes speak with the nurse managers, caregivers etc. whoever is in charge if this is not the case. 2 buy a closet or a lock with a key have mom to put away safely. 3 RD if ur really upset than she should be home with u. Otherwise, these r the things that r bound to happen when ppl look the other way. U can’t have it both ways. The caregivers etc. will tell u ok we will double check just to save face. But nothing else will happen it will continue. And lastly, u could get her a pvt room. I know she worked and have insurance.

My dear friend had multiple hospital/rehab stays. She was always smartly dressed. When she went to the rehab, I selected items that if they did not come back, it would not be a great loss. Additionally, I purchased new comfortable items that could withstand the laundry system. Even though they were properly labeled, I would find her is mystery clothing. She would toss items into the trash basket instead of the laundry basket. Searches of the laundry department were futile. As long as she was properly dressed, she didn't know or care...neither did I.

When she passed, I offered her clothing for the rehab's "clothing closet." When an individual was transferred from a hospital, the staff found appropriate pieces so they were comfortable and not in a hospital gown.

My spouse dressed only in Brooks Brothers shirts and suits. Wore only narrow ties, Borsalino hats and French berets. VERY handsome, but not publicly vain. But very proud to be Harvard grad. He now has dementia. When he went to the live-in facility, we prominently labeled all his clothes. Before long, he was sometimes wearing other clothes, including from other colleges etc., and it upset us. But when we finally realized that he no longer knew the difference, we relaxed about it. His being as content and getting good care as he can be is all that matters.

M’y mom lives in memory care. We sometimes see her in a sweater that we don’t recognize. She does not share a room with anyone. Her closet is locked as is her suite when she is in the common room. When she moved there we labelled all her clothes with her initials and her suite #. New clothes gets labelled the same way.

Need more info.

Are they in an Alzheimers or Dementia Care facility?

Does the roommate dress herself with your mom's clothes or the Aids or Caregivers do it?

Is your mom telling her Roommate she can wear her cothes?

Does your mom ever wear her Roommate's clothes?

Does this bother Mom or just you?

Have you talked to mom and the Roomate about it?

Maybe before when their clothes were washed, could some of mom's clothes gotten mixed up and put in Roommate closet?

My Mothers clothes and personal things were taken all the time. Once her purse was missing. She was in Heart Homes. They would waltz in and out of anybodys' room they felt like. And the only thing I could think was to keep the doors locked. But they wouldn't do it.  It was upsetting.

I am with you on this. It may happen all the time but it shouldn't. I understood now and then. For some reason it was always the same nightgown for me. I took pictures of everything Mom took into the NH. Even her glasses because more than once the wrong ones were put on her. Any good NH will put the name of the resident in every piece of clothing. I can see socks not coming back. Can u imagine matching up socks? But its pure lazyness not to bring back the clothes the person owns. Its pure lazyness for an aide to put a residents clothes on another person or put them in the wrong closet. This should not be a given. "Oh it happens all the time".

I would check out if there is a resident with the same name or similar. Sorry, I am OCD about this. My Mom had a right to wear her own clothes.

I've noticed that clothing seems interchangeable in assisted living facilities. My mother often is wearing clothes I don't recognize when I visit her, and they are clothes she would not have picked for herself. Is this a memory care facility? Your mother's roommate may not remember which are her own clothes. Is your mother upset about this? She also may not remember which are her own clothes. If she's not upset, it's not worth making a big issue out of this. I've found that these facilities are rough on laundry. They wash everything in hot water and I think also a hot dryer. The best clothes are comfortable clothes that are easy to get on and off and can take hot wash & dry.

Perhaps your mother’s clothes are more expensive or more fashionable than her roommate’s. This type of thing happens a lot in NHs. Sometimes the NH residence has clothes from previous residents who have passed, maybe some of those clothes can be given to the roommate. Even if you labeled and mark each clothing item, it will still happen. You are lucky that the clothes are still on the same floor, and did not get lost. Do you have some old clothes to give the roommate? Maybe as a gift! Otherwise get used to it.

Lol oh my. Does your mom care? If she doesn’t, then I wouldn’t worry about it either. If she does, then I would just make them harder to access.

Is mom in Memory Care or Assisted Living?
How often do you visit?
If mom is in Memory Care it is possible that the staff is responsible for putting moms clothes on the roommate. There are families that do not provide enough clothing so that if the laundry does not come back as it should, a resident could run out of clothing so staff will grab what is handy.
Same applies to Assisted Living.
some suggestions:
1.)You could limit the number of outfits that the facility has at any given time. If you visit once a week provide clothing for a week then take what is there and bring other outfits to exchange.
2.)Rather than buy "new" purchase at resale shops so if an outfit goes missing or is on someone else it is really no big deal. If you plan on taking mom out bring a nice "new" outfit if you wish.
OR
3.)Say the heck with it it really is no big deal in the great scheme of things, there are other more important things to worry about.

I will bet if you are providing incontinent pull ups those are also going to be used on other residents. People run out and they take from the nearest bag that has the size needed. It all evens out. (the only thing I would have a problem with them "sharing" is barrier creams, and ointments.)

This might be a solution - move your mother or the roommate and get someone else. That might solve the problem of "stealing" your mother's clothes. And I would have it out with the home why this is constantly happening and tell them it needs to be fixed.

Sorry, I don't agree with Taylor. Taarna brought up maybe the roommate is helping herself. But usually by the time they are in Skilled Nursing, aides are helping them dress. Soin my opinion, and I have been there, its lazy aides.

In Moms NH all her clothes, socks too, were tagged with a label that was put on with a special iron and could not be removed unless that special iron was used. The aides should be making sure clothing is being out in the right closet. They should be making sure when they dress a person that the name in clothes are that person's. An occasional mix up is OK, but not constantly. And the OP said her LO had her own closet so this should not happen at all.

Why? are facilities for keeping clothes shared? is washing for both done together and not put away carefully? is roommate losing memory? It is unlikely she does this just to annoy your mother and yourself, and it is you it seems to be upsetting - how does you mother feel about it? Sometimes we have to choose priorities - as long as each has clean clothing to wear who does this bother most - choose your battles.

When I was in AL the staff did towels, bedding, slippers and resident clothing all in one load. Ugh! I lost clothing and was given clothing that wasn't mine. I started wheeling myself to the laundry room to do my own clothes.

Nobody knows what these places are like until they have to live there. Staff is resentful of low pay, and morale is bad. Things get sloppy.

That happened with my mom in the short amount of time she was in a nursing home before she passed. The last time I saw her, I knew the clothes she was wearing were not hers. I chose not to mention it but my dad did. Mom was agitated because she knew they weren't her clothes but the staff had insisted they were.

After mom passed, her clothes were sent home and that outfit was in the box. It was clearly labeled with someone else's name. So this wasn't an issue of mom taking someone's clothing. Staff dressed her and put her in that shirt and slacks. I am wondering if the staff where your mom is staying is putting your mom's clothes on the roommate.

This is an interesting question. It sparks other questions.

Did mom tell her roommate that she could "borrow" her clothes? This could happen if both have Alzheimer's type dementia and see the roommate as her "sister."

Are all mom's clothes marked with her name - most likely - and whoever (most likely new staff) puts the clothes away is not putting them in the right place? If you can you locate mom's clothes in the room, this may be the case. Tell management so the person(s) can get a little more training.

Are any of mom's clothes missing - other than the clothes on her roommate? Staff might be "borrowing" clothes for residents that don't have enough clean clothes. Again let management know and you might want to let them know how much you expect to be compensated for missing articles.

Any positivity of having your mother’s name embroidered on her clothes? In a conspicuous place?

Or, some ladies like monograms.

If “Betty” is emblazoned across “Susie’s” chest or breast pocket, mistakes may be a bit more apparent to whomever is dressing your Mom.

The question I have is whether these ladies are choosing their clothes and dressing themselves or staff is assisting them. After I found that the laundry occasionally mixed things up when putting clothes away in drawers and closets I made a point to look through things when I was there.

If you are happy with moms care at this place, I’d ask about having that roommate moved to a different room. I’d also suggest if mom is new resident, try to ask around with other residents families that have been there a while IF this roomie has done this to others or is known for foraging from other residents. Believe me, other residents family will love to dish on problems.

If you can try to have lunch at the place and get a vibe for how others act toward this lady. Like if she eats somewhat isolated from others, It could be this resident is flat a problem and they were hoping that this time Little Happy Hands wouldn’t go into your moms closet. Happy Hands is a problem in all facilities…. Between dementia, unfamiliarity of “dorm” living, residents giving stuff to others and promptly forgetting this, well, things just move and disappear or resurface. It’s rarely done with mal intent. The staff really cannot keep it from happening.

However, If it’s something egregious and a safety concern, like Happy Hands is using others eyeglasses, hearing aids, walkers, etc. or mom consistently finds she had no underwear or clothing to be able to get dressed daily so is a hygiene & safety issue or is causing anxiety to the point of RX needed - then they have to step in and do something.

Another option if your mom is new…. If she’s new then she hasn’t had her first care plan meeting…… If so, you as her POA can do a timeline on the wardrobe incidents and take that document to the care plan meeting and have it included in her chart. And you in the sign off page for the meeting, you write in “staff to address disruptive issues with roommate as per attached timeline”. It goes into the record and Medicaid can see this should they do an audit on care in this place. Believe me they will do something about it.

The one rehab my Mom was in the closet was shared so the ability of the clothes being confused were there. This didn't happen when Moms NH had a closet for each resident. What would happen is her clothes put in the wrong closet occasionally. I put Moms outfits together on a hanger. Slacks and tops together. If missing something, I looked in the other closets.

For me, this is something to complain about. Your Moms name is in every piece of clothing she has. There is no reason her outfit should be put on another resident. Its lazyness.

I’m assuming your mother is in some type of care home. Have you spoken to the nurse manager or other director of the place and voiced your concerns? Are mom’s clothes labeled with her name?