My mother is 96. She had a stroke 4+ years ago which she recovered remarkably from. It did affect her and she lost her driving privileges, but you would not realize she had a stroke. After 2 more years in independent living, she had a fall and has been in assisted living since. This is not a Medicaid facility. We pay fully for her to be there. She has hated it from the get-go. She is always telling me how the food is not good, the attendants are not nice to her, they give her meds she doesn't need (and she often refuses them anyway). Oh, and they steal all her stuff (which I usually find hidden in her room). I visit often, know the personnel on first name basis (it's a small facility) so am fairly certain that she is not being mistreated. I'm told that mostly she refuses help when offered and will not call when she actually needs it then tells me that no one helps her there. My husband and I left our home of 25 years (which was 1500 miles away) 20 years ago to come back and help with my parents. My dad passed in 2011. Since that time, I have taken care of her home (while and after she was living in it. Mowing, maintenance, renting, etc.). I have gone through many hospital/rebab/back to assisted transitions (all during COVID and I have severe hearing loss and lip read mostly -- it has been a nightmare dealing with all the various facilities and transitions with masks). I have taken her to every doctor's appointment and anything else she wanted in these last 9 years.
She is difficult. As a younger person, I always knew she would be. She has far exceeded my expectations! She is insulted if you suggest that any condition might have to do with her advanced age. Everything is someone else's fault. She soils herself . . . it's because they gave her that med, or they served a food that caused it. She refuses to use full on (diaper type) protection and then gets upset because she makes a mess. She will not call for help at the facility, but she will call me and tell me she needs help and I need to come over there (20 miles away). I call the facility and ask someone to check on her. I am pretty good about saying no to that. I wait a day or so. At her request, I do all of her personal laundry. Sometimes she calls my phone repeatedly or at all hours. One particular day, she called over 25 times leaving sobbing, and nasty messages about how we are treating her. Giving her some antidepressant meds helps this behavior but it resurfaces fast when she refuses to take her meds. Every bad day she has is 'the worst day of her life'. On one hand, she tells me I do so much for her and she doesn't know what she would do without me. Then will complain that I am not driving her (80-100 total miles) to her old doctor because she doesn't like the PA who comes to the facility. I take her out for dental, wound care and eye care, occasional lunches and we spend holidays with her. It is an exhausting adventure. She can barely get up and down by herself. Getting her into and out of the car and in to an appointment is slow and difficult. It completely drains me of all energy. I am tired. I want to be done. I am 69. I am not a spring chic any more.
And yes, I have one sibling (6 years older) who does not live here. My SIL has ALZ so he has a full plate himself. They actually live near their daughter so she can help them.
I guess, I just need to vent. This has gone on for so long.